He calls for me… not you….

Have you ever met a girl with the saddest eyes you ever seen? They penetrate into your soul with a stare…you know she is more than just the coat of perfectly formed flesh she wears. Have you ever met a girl who can figure you out, better than you could ever figure yourself out…. but she still hasn’t figured herself out … she still doesn’t see her magnetic essences …..her mind blowing presences…and her invisible beauty that could lure the devil himself to pray to god….

There is a girl… she can captivate your attention with an expression, she can retain your interest with a sentence should she require it… but she never will need your attention… and that is what will make you want to invest more in this girl….

This girl can pull out the depth of you, that you never knew existed, she can enlighten you to worlds and emotions you have never experienced… if she was a drug, she would be ‘limitless’. If she was a goddess, she would be the goddess with which the devil himself would pray to God for her love and attention …..to touch her flesh….

Have you ever met a girl who carried as much dark as she could radiate light…. the kind of girl that when she smirks, her eyes become a brighter blue and she and you know, you are powerless as she could ruin you…. love you and leave you and you would still love her long after she has gone….
A girl whose flesh she could sell for a price with no remorse… as she knows the difference between her body, her mind, and her soul.

She could sell her flesh so she has money to dream, but very few could ever make love to her mind, and this is when she will fall in love with you…. but never will she dare to let you see…. She keeps her demons on a leash and she enjoys them scratching at her skin…. as when you touch her it burns their blood away….She likes to watch your chest rise…. trace the ink beneath your skin.. and watch it move when she makes love to you……

She can be cruel, she can be kind, it depends on her state of mind. She will never apologise for the cuts she caused, as you let her in, you let her close enough, she didn’t ask for you to fall in love…..

This kind of girl see’s magic in the world, magic most people never see, and if you ever should be lucky enough to share her time, and air she could point out a few to you…. in those moments you will see her inner- most workings…. class it as another wonder of the world, as not many get to be let in this far.

This girl i can write about….. as she can light up your world, destroy it, or leave you stuck in despair in it….. for very few she will trade her heaven for their hell, as this girl had learnt love. She has been cut by its shards, and she has baptised herself in her own blood, in the name of what she thought was love.

Give her a challenge…. and she will never disappoint….she will always surprise…If you can’t find her she’s lost between ink spots and dusty spines…If she is ever in need of peace in a cemetery is where she will be… and if she is hurt don’t be surprised when you see another masterpiece…

This girl will not conform.. will not be kept or surrender …. she is the earth and she can nurture or bury you… and if you ever lie or deceive her she will never forgive you….

Girls like this exist and they are the ones that will always be loved…..
They are broken girls, with burnt wings….. and these girls understand EVERYTHING …..

Rawity ….

There are people who cross our path, there are people who blow up our path and those who we find along the way of our own path.
There’s a select few that will be standing and joining us on the journey of our walking. I have overcome a lot the last few weeks, although it feels like months. I have encountered a new array of people, and I have disposed of a lot of people. But I have done so with dignity and love. Just because you remove people from your life, your path it does not mean that you should lash hate or bitterness towards them. The world encounters enough hate from, rude, uneducated and inexperienced people, don’t be one of them. Especially when you can be better than them, anyone can set off a bomb, and destroy what has taken time and love to build. It takes the mark of a compassionate human to actually see that beyond the explosion of this bomb there will only be destruction, even for yourself. I have struggled with anxiety and bipolar for many a year. They say that people with bipolar disorder feel more intensely and more deeply. I know this to be a fact. A horrid fact that has affected me and my actions towards those around me. As human beings we have a natural instinct that if we are hurt, we lash out if we foresee someone hurting us, that attack is the first\best form of defence. Harsh lessons are learnt from every hurtful experience. The one I have encountered is that the lashing and hurt bestowed upon me is nothing more than instinct and issues from an uneducated infantile human.

I lost a guy from my life, the good things he brought to my life are not as ‘good’ as the bad things I was left with. My anxiety increased to its maximum. This was due to the insecurities his past behaviour had caused me to feel. Where there is broken trust and lies, there will always be a blanket of doubt no matter how ‘perfect’ they then can be. I had insecurities that were given to me. Therefore I bore anxiety which was only ever attached to this person, and feelings of distrust and hurt. If you have ever been truly hurt by a lover, it never dies, the hurt remains, it just transpires and manifests in different ways. That’s how psychology and human emotions work. As a human our self-worth now seems to be based upon how people treat us, opposed to how we treat them and others. A person who lashes you with names and insults is not a reflection of who you are, but just of how they see you, rightly or wrongly. Your self-worth is based upon how you respond and how you filter this experience. It is all too easy to say ‘ i done this, or acted this way because ‘you did this’ This does not prove that the other person is responsible for their malicious actions, it shows how little they understand of their own thought process and behaviour. No one can make you do anything you ‘didn’t’ want to do. No one can impose you say something nasty, they are your words, your thoughts that you materialise through your mouth through your voice.

I have it granted I am no angel, but I am now more evolved and experienced through understanding these simple actions. For every action, there is a re-action, if you react to a person. If you decide to take an action and throw it out into the world, then surely there will be a reaction. The universe is like that. If you are having a bad day and decided to become annoyed and your vibes are low, then surely you will attract more low vibes. The ‘vibe’ i am referring is as simple as the energy you put out into the world and let control your conscious stream of thought which inturn affects your behaviour. I have practised the positivity, and I have reaped the rewards ten fold. I have indulged in the synchronicity that is at play within the universe around me every day and I have listened and acknowledged. The negativity and insecurities of my anxiety have ceased to exist as the person who brought that into my life has ceased to be in my life and play such a ‘big’ part in my life.

I have taken a break from uni and thought that I would focus more on my writing and my photography, however very few words have stained a page, and even fewer images have materialised from my camera. And this is ok, I have been plunged into the world I hadn’t planned to be in, my year was suppose to be so different, unfortunately, the universe and the world had seen different. I had come to realise a few weeks ago in the mist of a depression that this is my incubation period. And from an incubation period can only come nurture and growth. This is what I have experienced, and I am ever so grateful for. I am grateful for the people who have come into my life and helped me through and during this process. I am grateful for the people who have left and enabled this process. In the human world, we have a ‘Time’ a time frame and a perception of time. However, the divine time of things is where the true magic and the true experiences and rewards lie. We could work really hard at a job and have been doing so for two years, and the promotion we have been wanting is not given to us. The human reaction is to be disappointed or disheartened. Yet maybe in a few weeks time we find ourselves looking for another job and it has the even bigger promotion than the one we were disappointed we didn’t ‘get’. This isn’t a coincident this is divine timing. The experience we have accumulated over the last two years working effortlessly was not for the promotion we sought, but for the promotion, we couldn’t see coming. I highly believe in this, and it has been proved to me on a number of occasions. The old saying that ‘the world works in mysterious ways’ is a saying much says, but have no true concept of, not really.

I will not preach about my view or convince anyone that my way or thinking or my faith or belief is what is right, for some people are not yet mentally and emotionally ready to accept and nurture this belief. And some people are not ready yet to awaken. That is fine, everyone’s belief and faith is distinctive to their own experiences and self-awareness. Everyone’s journey is different and so I will only wish those the best on their journey.

I have embraced a lot about myself and the world and through this I have been able to be inspired in my images which I will commence. This series of images will be the series of images that really does portray ME, my incubation, my awakening and my personality along with my faith. This is a series that will be unlike any others as my other images were inspires through pain, and emotional distress. I have always been scared of happiness, as I am a writer and artist who is inspired by pain, and trauma. So I always wondered upon what I would create, how I would be a artist should this be absent. Thanks to my incubation period i now see a lot of my images were my coping mechanism through a turbulent relationship that caused me a lot of pain. I see that my coping mechanism was both healthy and unhealthy, as for every image I look back upon I see in my mind’s eye the place I was at the time, the ‘things’ or ‘thing’ that someone said or did to make me feel a specific way to create this. I look back now as memories that I have immortalised in these times, they sit in picture frames and some people look in awe, in compassion, in empathy, some are inspired and less isolated, as they can relate. There are so many ‘things’ my images and poetry conjure in people, but I am glad that they do, as those people are people who have encountered a pain, a hurt, a sense of loss, or defeat. And they are the people who I have the most admiration for, the most love for…. as they have survived and learnt how to survive.

The people who know, me who I let into my circle ( as I am so fussy about who I give a piece of my life too) see the images, see how they have a haunting message. Yet everyone who sees them knows me, and people who I don’t really know, who see them, then meet me, cannot believe the contrast. My images, haunt, my words raw, yet I am such a funny, happy person, with intelligence, and wit. I have smiles for everyone and a warmth that I give freely to those I love and trust. I have such an adventurous soul, and I can make even the worse of situations the most positively funny and memorable. I have a light, and for all those who are in dark times, or seek help or advice, I ensure they leave with as much love and light as I can possibly and humanly give. I will encourage and support and inspire everyone I can, that’s just me….. I love being me. I love my talents as an artist, as a writer, as a mum as a human. For if I say ‘I want to do……’ I will whether it be: learn how to ride a motorbike, or lay a patio out the garden, build a porch or retile my floor or walls, I am self-sufficient and capable of everything I see others do. I am a teacher a healer and a seeker….. and I love that most about me. I also love the fact I am all or nothing, I am never grey in anything I do or anyone I love in my life. I also love and embrace my dark side, the side that is my temper my anger…. my relentless determination because if I never had such anger I could never experience such passion or such intense love. If I did not have such a vile temper I would never be able to appreciate my calm nature and my earthly spirit. I have a temper and a fiercely protective streak, but I am the mother so therefore I know what pure love is… and the fierce way in which I will protect anything I love.

We can be hard on ourselves at times if we fail, or perceive ourselves to fail at something or do not achieve an outcome. If someone should treat us a certain way or we act a certain way which hurts someone else, intentionally or unintentionally, we can punish ourselves a lot more than anyone else could. Don’t be too hard on yourself, emotions are the raw strands of being human, and humans are allowed to make mistakes, but when one does, ensure that you realise your behaviour, your reaction, your actual words are all from you, no one else, no one has forced you to do anything you did not want to do.

Control … 

If someone shall banish you from their life then their control over your life is expelled. If I shall write a poem or publish a post of memories past, then as a free person that’s what I shall do. I have no one else’s feelings to consider as I owe no one nothing. They do not care for my feelings so why should they be repaid with anything more than they are willing to give. I could sit quite and mourn, but if they don’t they why should I. Why should I mourn something that was meaningless. I shall write as I’m a writer and I shall create images as I document my life through photos. I shall combine both when I see that there is something worth honouring. I met a man who was kind and never showed any anger or threw any insults. He was a man who could talk, not just shout aggressively. He had patiences even as nothing more than a friend. I realise how valuable this was when I had a man who was the polar opposite of this. This man made me feel worthless, meaningless, and disposable. So why should I not honour the qualities of someone else who I now appreciate more. I do not see this man anymore and neither do I want too. But I can honour his attributes.  For all the things he was, he was always kind. And for that I wish him the best in life and love. For the other man who was not, I wish him still all the best in life and love. 

I need no validation from anyone about who or what I am. I know my flaws and I know my strengths. I am not perfect I am human. But I have the strength now to say goodbye to a past, to both of these men. And to start my life with new exciting people. I could be a lot of things but bitter is one I shan’t be. The man who is aggressive and insulting, can think what he likes, say what he likes, and do as he likes. He is not mine, and I, not his. I can laugh now genuinely with his assumptions and idiotic aggression and foolish ignorance. I can laugh at his deluded thoughts and perception. And I can walk away knowing I did my best like I always do. My paranoid ways would of been there had he not played the games and treated me in such a way. If he had not been such a horrid person I wouldn’t of been either. But I now, am not at war, with myself or him or anyone else. I am glad he thinks his deluded thoughts and he is ignorant as it means he will hate me and blame me for all his choices and actions. His behaviour and his decisions, all the while being so arrogant of the truth. But that’s something he never could give, or take, the truth. That’s his mistake not mine, and I won’t be condemned for what he thinks in his pathetic little mind. He turns a thought in his head into his own reality and  hates anyone who tries to set him right. Have your twisted reality, enjoy it, and your self sabotage, I am not your enemy, I am now your nothing. The way I am happy for it to be. I miss nothing of you, or what you gave and put me through, I miss nothing of the insults and aggression and the ignorance in which you speak. So save it and give it to someone else…. I am not under your spell. 

Silly boy, play with your silly girl toys, and let the adults live their life’s. assume what you like, you’re wrong again as always…. but fight away, You’re on your own. 

The good thing 

The good thing is you have been down this road before and you have survived. You have felt happier at the other side, and this is what will happen again. You can be in a mental, emotional and physically abusive relationship and still be ok when you realise it was them not you. 

You’re insecurities over girls that they made you have was them not you. They made you feel like that and then didn’t like the consequences. 

You can be called names and insulted and degraded but once you realise it was their perception of you and not everyone else’s you realise it was them with the issues not you. 

When they choose to be aggressive break into your house and steal your things even if you have threatened to call the police and still they don’t care. Then it was them that decided to drive down and act that way. Not you. When they are arrested and you drop charges and pay out of your child’s birthday money for them to get to their destination it wasn’t you who stole the bag and broke into their house and took their things. It was you who dropped the charges and helped them even when they didn’t deserve it. That doesn’t make you a bad person it makes you the better person considering they gave your child nothing for her birthday. And they decided that for Christmas what they promised to buy you would never materialise yet what you got them was more than they got you. It always was that way too. 

For every flaw they could throw at you you can throw theirs at them. And say I stood by you. 

When you decide that this has played out one too many times and you realise that you had to lie to them and make out the other guy you dated was not as nice as them or as good or funny as them as otherwise you would be called even more names and be given even more shit even when it wasn’t you who wanted to get back with them. 

I lived after them with less anxiety and self hate, less names being called and less worry and competition with other girls. And living without that again …. is something I am very happy to do again. 
But when they call you nuts and crazy they forget the things they done. I could of ruined your life quiet easily – I didn’t. Because I will always be a better person than you. 

Love of love ….

Many people shall come and go through your life. They shall cross your path, they shall teach you, inspire you, or hurt you. But what will you do to them? For them? In these last four years I have been taught a lot by someone who crossed my path and I let into my life. I have been taught a lot about who I am, who they are, what I can become and who they can become. 

I have recently found a calling in my life. When I thought there could be no possible way for me to have just one earthly purpose. I have psychic friends and a old dear minister whom is a renown psychic and spiritual healer. And how I paths crossed I could tell you but I doubt you would believe me. Or even think I am not crazy. It is peculiar the way if you have a religion, no one thinks you are crazy. But yet no one can see ‘this’ god. Just like believing in love, no one can see it, or the wind. We can only feel it. Faith is something I have always had but in what I have never known completely. I know enough about quatium theory to disprove god. I know enough to understand energy and matter and the universe. So for me to believe in fate and the power of the universe I guess is/was my faith. 

If someone should say that they can feel their god, then why should I not feel my energies of the universe? If someone says they receive messages from their god them why should I not be able to say I receive messages from spiritual guides. I have had a gift from a young age. I didn’t realise this till seven years ago. And I have indulged in it and I have restricted it. I have helped people with it and given messages so accurate that no one other than the spirit and the reciever should know. Through this I have conflicted with myself and my emotions. 

I have bipolar disorder which is a recognised cycling mood disorder. Extreme highs, intensive lows. Outbursts of anger and frustration and what some medical people consider as paranoia. Now, when you are spiritually susceptible to spirits as a messenger you are given messages and feelings and visual representations. In order to provide a accurate message to the person whom is to receive it. If I looked at my bipolar through a more spiritually charged viewpoint I may find a few coincidences and a few flaws. 

For example, I have intense feelings when meeting someone. I feel their energy and I feel their spiritual guides feelings and concerns. This is why a lot of the time I do not like to meet new people or go out. I get bombarded with intense emotions and feelings. In the medical world these are considered triggers. Mood cycles. 

Through being around new people I become exhausted because of the emotional and mental spiritual link I will have with them and their guides etc – this caused my mood to become low. Sometimes very low. When I am free from people and the spiritual connections I feel electrically charged and  happy beyond comparison. This would be seen as a bipolar high the manic episode. 
The paranoid Element that comes with bipolar is also a explainable thing to do with my gift. As I can predict events and I have a gut feeling. I can see choices being made and consequences to come for me and those around me. Therefore I develop anxiety as I do not want to control people, and neither do I want them hurt, or myself. This can cause me to have frustrated outbursts and then I get angry so angry that they we warned or told and they still went ahead and the consequences affect not just them but me and my life and my daughter and my equilibrium. 

I suppose now I can be honest, as I don’t want to hide who or what I am. I don’t care if people think I am bipolar or that I am nuts or that I am crazy. I know what I can do and I have proved this numerous times both to myself and others. The only thing I have a problem with is healing. As once I am hurt emotionally or spiritually I need to be healed. And I have been given the opportunity to do this now. I have spoken to a dear friend and I have attended a few meetings. 

I done something I would never ever of thought myself do. I stood in a crowded room and I had delivered messages from the spiritual realm. These three people in which spirit had wanted to make contact were overwhelmed with the accuracy of my messages and descriptions. I was shaking so badly and I was so exhausted and dizzy afterwards I nearly fainted. But the most rewarding thing I have ever done is just be me. Who I am, and deliever that to complete strangers and to be thanked for being me. 

I needed a lot of healing after that. As I have not yet learnt to release the energies of the emotions I have been passed. The minister whom took me along, was beyond proud and amazed with me. And I haven’t had anyone tell me how proud they were of me in such a long time I cried so mercilessly. I met some extraordinary people and was pulled aside by one whom asked me a few questions. And asked if I would like to be part of a realm reading. I had no idea of what this entailed but I agreed. 

The realm reading was mind blowing in me understanding my past life’s and attributes in this life. I suppose in a way it was something that everyone should undergo to help them understand and differentiate between themselves and their souls. And this has massively helped me to do so.

Through this encounter I have found a lot of peace and love for myself. I have also realised a lot about the people whom I surrounded myself with. My influence on them and upon their lives. Someone exited my life recently and unfortunately I do not see them ever coming back until they have been enlightened to their soul and the earth form as they are such a conflicting person. And are a chaotic human, very unorganised, very last minute and very ignorant and their displacement affects their energy and their mind. Which then conflicts with their soul. They think they don’t belong anywhere because of the way they are neither at peace with their earth self or spiritual self. They work so much as they have no other form of purpose as they don’t ground themselves with their soul and earth presences. I spent so long talking about this person to these people. Thinking I failed in my helping him. And it’s hurt me to think I have. But it was good to know that he will realise when/if he becomes awake that he will see I did not fail him. I did actually do a lot of the opposite. I know he would snigger at this. But that’s ok. The unwake people the people who have not been enlightened or made peace with both their soul and human form yet are oblivious to those around them whom are more pure. 

Until some people allow their human form bleed into their soul and let the soul bleed love into human heart the conflict will always hurt the person and make them feel more lost than they ever will feel happiness. I pray this is not the case for him, but he is one born under the star of stubbornness and ignorance. His journey will be long. And I wish him the best as no one deserves a life of international and spiritual conflict as that leads to a lonely unfulfilled life. 

I have so much to learn on this new journey and I will be leaving in a week to travel to another meeting with some very respectable people. One lady in particular I am excited to meet as she travels the world doing. And all I want to ask is something simple “will it help” I hope it gets met with a yes and a smile. 

So if I told you I knew who you were before I even got to know you and I still choose to love you, then maybe it was my fault for knowing I could only go as far as the other person was willing to go. A man could have everything, every other man on the planet desires, and if he is not a peace with himself his conflict of his soul and human form will have him blind. A enlightened man is one I seek who I can truly be myself with and be truly loved by, for me. For the joy I bring him, the protection I try and enforce around him and the devotion of love and care he will receive in memories he will never want to erase. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they truly are, and be respected for their differences. Because that is how you are human. But being a human with a soul takes courage and to be led by faith not fear and self conflict. 

L

Enlightement

If you surround yourself with cold dirt, then cold dirt is what will feel familiar … cold, dirt. If you surround yourself with warm and sand, then that two shall feel familiar. What we surround ourselves with becomes the perspective in which we perceive the world.
This is the same for whom we surround ourselves with, for if we surround ourselves with like minded people, life will be easy, and it will narrow, if we surround ourselves with people whom do not think like us, whom do not perceive the world as we do, we are enlighten. Enlightened to another culture, way of thinking, insight to the world, the revelations, diversity is the world from the ferns to the sky. They have nothing in common but the sky shall inspire the fern with its height, the fern shall inspire the sky with its cycle of colours throughout the season. Their is inspiration and englightment in everything, if you want to see it. The english langauge has the equivelent of 171,476 words. When talking to another person if you cannot use any of the 171,476 words to be kind, then maybe you should look to yourself for enlightement. A human being should be respectful to another human being. We have the same anatomical heart ….. our blood is the same colour. Our eyes as beautiful in all shades… our minds as beautiful as they are complex and unique. The thing that i love most about humans are their ability to change, to become better, more determined, to solve problems, to be kinder. We all have a soul and our soul deep down all wants us to be kind, to be loved, and to give love, and empathy and compassion. All you have to do is be enlighted to the feel and voice of your soul. Your soul is the person who wills you to do good. That if you do bad, was the deep ache and voice inside telling you not too, the voice and feeling you ignored, maybe because of your physical feelings and emotions. Emotions are physical, they can affect your soul, but they do not control your soul, only your reactions.

So … if i react poorly out of anger, it is my choice to react, this can be through being hurt, through guilt, frustration, but it will never be my soul, that will make me act with anger. If i should become upset and cry, I could cry out of frustration or physical pain, or loss, however because i have empathy this is directly linked to my soul, and i can become overwhelmed with empathy for someone and cry. This empathy can be linked to the soul as the soul is another thing all human being have, it is the coat hanger to the flesh we carry round with us everyday. The soul is energy, and sometimes we feel the energy of people before we see or know their intentions. If you feel uneasy with someone, its their energy, its their soul, it does not mean they are a bad person, as i said no soul is bad. But some people soul’s can be damaged, lost and somewhat stranded through the physical world we live in. If i was to be told every day i was worthless and i was beaten with insults and names, i could become angry at the world and other people for the way i was treated and my energy would be negative and my presences be felt as that way. I think some people are sent into our lives to help heal us, or our souls, to guide them a bit, love them a bit, and nourish them a bit. These people are the secret angels that empathise too much, love too much, care without restrictions, and only ever want the best healing for the damaged souls. But sometimes the damaged souls, lash and hurt ours in the journey of us trying to heal them. Unfortunately they sometimes never realise this, or the things we have done, the love we have purely spent, and that our scars as empaths are so much deeper than those of unaware beings.

Some times the damaged souls we are set on a path to heal will discard us when we are no longer required, and that is ok, that is their choice. Othertimes you wish that you could help them more, as their narrow minded earth brain is still not awakened and neither is their potiential. But sometimes you have to hold them out and let them go…. and hope they survive and do well with all you have given, and taught them.

If I tell … promise you will forget.

The greatest thief….. Time, the greatest lie? Happily ever after. The most selfish person… a parent. If I told you this would you believe me…. time slips away, disguised as yesterday’s, and hopeful tomorrow’s. we are so eager for tomorrow …. we forget what we lost yesterday. We forgot to say ‘sorry’ to tell someone ‘we miss and think of them’ we underestimate the magnitude of love when we have it. We revel in a limbo of hell and despair wishing today away, and the pain. The people we have lost, the people we have gained, never belonged to us anyway. We belong to no one, and no one belongs to us. To understand this is to understand what peace and love is. We are governed by laws, but we forget the most important laws… the laws of attraction …. you get what you manifest. We are given free will and a innocent mind, as we grow restrictions and innocences leaves….. because we give up on ourselves more easily than we do on others. We push our children to achieve and praise them for their accomplishments…. but we forget they have their own soul and dreams, and they do not owe you anything. They don’t belong to you, but you are allowed to love them and inspire them. Mistakes make you human, it enables you to see that your soul is just as important as the flesh you carry upon your bones. And other people’s mistakes show they tried, they are human too. Make choices and make good ones as often as you can…. as that is what being a human should be …. a human with humanity and empathy.