I dated a psychopath…. 

Some people come into our lives and leave such a profound effect, in a positive or negative way. Unfortunately I dated a psychopath, literally, I have discovered he had all the traits of a clinically diagnosed pyschopath. It started four years ago, and after nine months I found out he had been messaging other girls. I forgave him, and then two months later I found out he had been leading a double life with his ex. Mine during weekdays and she would go down his on the weekends that I was working. Our relationship spiralled and a triangle of damaged ensued. I do not blame his ex even though she could of been more respectable in the situation and spoken with me. Instead a year long head fuck ensued. He would lie to her, lie to me. Tell me she was a psychopath and was trying to ruin our relationship. He also said the same to her about me. Every time I would end it within days he would set up a fake profile and contact me via social media. Every time I blocked his number he would use a pay phone, every new number I got, he would get hold of it. In a year I went through 17 different numbers. And broke up with him countless times over his pathological lying. But he could charm the knickers off a nun. He has always been a sleazy fucker. I found so many explicit messages on his phone to random girls. Each time he would give me a sob story make out it was my fault as I was not giving him the attention or affection he craved, I felt bad. So I would try to do more, I always seemed to have to keep his attention and compete with other girls. I didn’t trust him and I would be paranoid. He showed such little remorse and empathy for the mental frame of mind he had put me in. 

This wasn’t the problem so much as I saw such a sweet and thoughtful side to him. He was egotistical and would say ‘I can make any girl fall in love with me’ I thought this was a disgusting way to behave, and I told him so. After two and a half years I decided to break away as he would not stop messaging, flirting and hooking up with other girls. He had no self control and no self respect. And I lost all respect for him. How could I be proud of the man I was with when he didn’t respect me or other women or himself. I started seeing someone else after three months. And he was so annoyed and depressed about this. As a naturally caring person I told him that he had caused this and had no one to blame but himself. But like any pyschopath he never accepts the true stem of the blame. 

He seemed so genuinely heartbroken and so genuinely gutted. And I felt bad. I knew he had such a good sweet side, now I see how fake that was and how powerful he was at manipulating. He manipulated everyone from people who he met to people he wanted something from, attention or to do a tattoo on. He would flirt with them lead them on and then when he got what he wanted he would blank them. The thing with a psychopath is they have a almost natural ability to intrigue you and hold your attention, make you feel special. He would, he could do that so easily. And I took the way he could be so sweet and so lovely as the pure side of him. He needed me, he didn’t love me. Someone who loves you does not treat you in such ways. I would never be able to accept his truth. Because it’s was not the truth, it was a version he would want me to believe or maybe he actually believed. I caught him out with so many girls. He would tell me nothing had happened and I have found out how he had slept with so many girls. Though ironically when I started a relationship with someone else he actually mad me feel so bad when I ended it with that person and got back with him. He would say how horrid I had made him feel, how much damage I had done, yet all the while massively underestimating the damage he had done. But here’s the funny thing, you can not argue and ever be right with a psychopath as they live in a different reality to you. They don’t empathise, they don’t see anything from anyone else’s opinion or experience only their own. 

He had a bad childhood, so I would put his anger down to insecurities from childhood. They weren’t insecurities they were just his unresolved issues and his true nature. He had no patiences for anyone who would disagree with him. He had no time for anyone who would not benefit him in anyway. But he liked me, as I was very empathic I was very challenging and intelligent and would catch him out. To him I was a challenge it was as game, and he always thought he was above everyone else, he would call any other guy a ‘mug’ or a ‘groupie’ and say how pathetic they were …. this was because they challenged everything about him, they were good people. And should I dare to see that, I would see even more of his flaws. He had no friends, and didn’t bother with his family. 

He had no male friends as they would of seen straight through him. Female friends he could not have either as he did not know how to be friends with a female without using them to his sick advantage for attention and sexual gratification. And they were so easily manipulated they didn’t pose much of a challenge, like a lion playing with a mouse. 

When I confronted him ever about any of his sexual encounters I would be met with nastiness and lies and blame on me. If we argued within hours he would be messaging another girl with dick pics and flirting. When he got fed up with that girl he would always come back… and I was the idiot that took him back, believing this time he had learnt his lesson. He never did and never will. Because he travels for work he has freedom and no self control. Not a good mix for anyone. Every time I thought he was being faithful or being real, he was just biding time, he didn’t change as a person no matter how good I was or patience or understanding. He just changed tatic the game was still being played. Some people would think ‘oh he’s a fuckboy’. No he is a pyschopath. 
I could only get the truth by actually messaging other girls and asking them. And unfortunately although they had no loyalties to me I got more of the truth than I ever did off him. Which is fine. It shows what type of person he is. Unfortunately sometimes he would tell the girls I was a ex or I was a stalker obsessed with him. 🤣  and sometimes they would believe him, like I said he has charm and is a skilled manipulator. Then I would have the girls eventually when he disposed of them as they served him no purpose no more, message me and say that they actually lied to me, because he asked them too and because he said these things about me. He would call me a psycho for messaging these girls, and be smug when they lied for him. WHO DOES THAT. Then he would make me feel bad for not believing or trusting him. Yet when I found out then that they had lied and he had lied and confronted him with the truth and evidence he would rage. 

Now, I am not a stupid person, despite this actually sounding as if I am. But when you love and care for someone you do not want to see their evilness. Not when they are so skilled at showing you such a beautiful person too. I fell in love with a pyschopath. And he damaged me more than anyone else I have ever and could ever meet. It’s easy for a pyschopath to move onto to new victims and you’ll find they never have a friendship or relationship with anyone including family  that has been sustained over a long period of time. Why? Because they cannot sustain a pure relationship of any kind. They only see people for gain, like a hunger that they need satisfying. When the hunger has been satisfied they know the hunger will strike again so they always have someone else lined up. Life and love to them is a series of gains, and they do not take kindly to being challenged or defeated.  They will work extremely hard in their profession or passion to be the BEST they can be, because they can’t stand to not be admired or looked highly upon. They are powerful people and they need to feel it, otherwise they actually become more self destructing. They will do anything to be seen as the best and will always get what they want, by any means necessary. 

There was a time when we would break up and I would pine for him as he was somewhat my best friend. After finding out so much now, there is no longing. There is nothing. It’s taken 4 years to break free …and see him for what he truly is. And for me to finally say, wow I am not the problem here, he is. Nothing was ever enough for him. No one will ever be enough for him. He will constantly want more, he will never be a committed person to anyone, as he can’t even commit to himself. 

The scars of our past and how we treat people will stay with us for a lifetime and karma will give you back more than you put out. His meaningless sex with random girls, his random sexual gratification, it is all a empty gain. At the end of it he will be such a damaged person his soul will emit this and his vibe will drive away anything good from his life. He will end up diseased, and lonely, even if he is in a relationship with someone he will still be lonely and unhappy. He will keep messaging other girls and self destructing. He is his own worst enemy as he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour or actions. But that is ok longer my problem. And I no longer want to save or help him, which is something that kept me with him far too long. 

His new girl knows nothing of him, and his ability to act so cold and so mean to her has yet been proved…. I feel sad for her … for while she is being loyal she has no idea of his patterned behaviour. See the thing is if it happens more than twice there is a pattern …. and a pattern is not easily broken as it is engrained in your mind frame. And if he justifys his actions and behaviour to himself then he is right. And he never shows remorse….. why? Because he has justified it already to himself. 

I am healing myself an not sleeping around, I do not want or need attention to feel attractive or validated. I do not need to rely on the opposite sex to like me or boost my ego. I respect myself more than that. I respect myself enough to work out the issues I have now with trust and men. I will heal myself and my mind frame. I will enjoy myself by being myself and being the pure and caring person I am. I need not impress no one else, but myself. Because I am essentially my own best friend. I am working on my self esteem and confidence as a pyschopath definitely strips that away from you. I am happy to live my life alone, until I meet someone who is essentially as spirituality intuned with themselves as I will be. 

And my pyschopath ex? He will go from girl to girl, country to country, seeking and searching for something that will satisfy him. Unfortunately he will have failed relationships upon failed relationships and they will all be because of his pyschopathic personality and inability to identify an feel anything pure. He will essentially create a hell for himself inside himself that he will never be able to flee from… no girl or place or country will be able to take that feeling of desperate lonlieness away. One day I hope to hear he has sought professional help. Because all he will leave behind is a lot of damaged people, because of how damaged he is and damaging he can be. 

I know now I have a very bright and healthy future. As I can fix myself as I know what is wrong, what damage has been done as I am brave enough to acknowledge my flaws, the ones I have naturally and the ones that have been inflicted on me. And I choose not to inflict my issues or insecurities on anyone else at this stage in my life. As no one else deserves it. And when I do decided to date at least I will have a more promising future of a relationship than he will have. I will have resolved issues and be able to be myself, not a manipulated  version of myself to suit someone else’s gain. I won’t have crippling anxiety either …. 

People come and go in our life… and sometimes letting go of someone is less damaging than holding on. Some people do not change, will not change, and don’t know how to change. In order to break a cycle you have to first see it, and then want to break it. Emotional and mental abuse is more damaging than physical abuse as it’s leaves no visible scars, just insecurities and trauma. I have never had to have therapy after a relationship, but with a pyschopath, you need therapy. 

I always thought me and him had something special. The revelations that I have found out have finally helped me to realise how damaged and disgusting he is as a person. I am repulsed that I had ever loved him, and stayed so long. But I did because I didn’t want to believe I fell in love with a actual monster. And real monsters don’t hide in shadows or under your bed, they are in human form and they destroy your head. I was not a angel, but I was faithful and true, I  was paranoid because of what he had caused, and I was never the best person I could of been when I was with him as he encouraged a needy and panicked side of me that obsured the person I truly am. I lost myself loving someone else. I lost my faith, trust, confidence and my light, I lost everything good about me, because I tried to offer it to him and he destroyed it. But it is so natural for me to me a loving, and caring person, who is not malicious or devious. So I know I will embrace that fully and build on it completely. As that is the real me, the one who cares too much and never gives up. 

If I had to give him one last sentence … it would be ‘I hope they have mercy on your soul’ – I do not believe in god, but whoever handles the souls, they need to have mercy on his. As I am not the first person who has loved him and he has destroyed and I doubt I will be the last. 

It’s ok…

Travel they say, experience new food and culture, meet new people and see new things. I did. I done it all, and it changes you. I travelled to Kos, with my daughter and I explored the whole island within 3 days. The person who got on the plane to visit Kos, was not the person who got back on the plane and returned to the UK. Whilst I was there i decided to risk everything, I drove on the other side of the road, It was something I didn’t think i could do, but i threw myself into it, like i do most things i want to achieve. Sink or Swim. I laughed, and felt freedom, and a weight lift.

I was in contact with someone fro my past who always had\did make me feel so self conscious, so low. And yet, the people i met there changed my whole perspective of life, love and people. Just because someone shows you no respect, it does not mean that you should not respect yourself. Reality is a perspective of a person, therefore one persons reality is not likened to another or deem able as being ‘right’. I also realised that if someone wants to think bad of you, then thats all they will think, no matter what you do, if that is what they think of you, nothing will change their mind. If people want to find fault in something or someone they will. But you can never gain anything positive from looking at something negative. You can never experience anything positive if you think negatively towards it. And if you never act positive towards something you will always receive a negative reaction. What someone ‘thinks’ you deserves is not what you should think you deserve. Everyone deserves respect and understanding. Anyone can be angry and impatient, it takes a real soulful human being to be kind and understanding. This may seem like a given, but it is not. Just because you can be nice to a stranger or to someone you know or care for it does not make you a good person. If you had a enemy infront of you or someone who had caused you hurt or pain, to be kind to them and understanding despite their misgivings makes you a genuinely good person. If you can tell the truth despite the consequences to yourself you are a good person doing the right thing for someone else. I had not had this in my last relationship. Lying and misguided truths was always a part of his life. Impatiences and lack of compassion or understanding was absent from his blood. Respect and fairness he would preach about but sparsley would show any to those who would show it to him. Ignorance was his morale high ground, and feelings were somewhat of a myth.

I could preach and i could enlighten any soul, but i prefer to say, that through being hurt and disrespected on a continual basis has strengthened me. Through a language barrier between me and a few people i met whilst in Kos i realised so much. Life is as complicated as you make it…… Even if it is raining, “Its ok” because tomorrow it may not, or “Its ok” because you are in your house. If you are hurting or upset with someone “Its ok” because you won’t be always. The amount of times i heard the phrase “Its ok” made me smile, as yes, yes it is ‘ok’. The simplicity of it being ‘ok’ the word being so simply made up of two letters but having such power within them to actually give comfort and a new perspective and reassurance is wonderful.

I played on the beach with leo and Tinisha, Leo taught me how to skim rocks, i was wearing a dress and was knee deep in the beautiful topaz sea. And overtime i could not skim a rock, the phrase came “It’s ok” Everytime it came tumbling out i smiled “Its ok, you can try again” I then seen the metaphor for my life, for every rock i could not skim, for everytime i tried and failed, it was ok, as i just try again. But it was nice to have someone say “Its ok”. My dress was soaking wet, and “It’s ok” because it will dry, and did within half hour. When i was deep in thought, and my mind wandering further than any country i could visit, it is ‘ok’ as for every thought and problem there is a resolution.

When i sat writing my last blog post in the bar in lamb, i cried a little bit as it was a emotional day, a voice heavy with accent spoke “Lu-c why you cry?” i thought i could shed a tear or two without anyone noticing, i could do it in secret. Maybe it was the voice heavy with a accent that could only speak in simple english that allowed me to understand the simplicity of life, and love and the world. Maybe it is good to have fewer words to speak, maybe too many words complicate things too much. Simple English slathered with a heavy accent seemed somewhat refreshing and magical. There are few things in this world that are truly precious, love, respect, and loyalty are among the few i deem precious. Now i add one to this list, it is time. Time is now a whole new level of precious. This last week i have spent time with my daughter, time traveling through a beautiful island, time with beautiful people and time by myself. I have also spend time thinking about things and time watching the world and its interactions. I have spent time listening to peoples stories and experiences and lives and i felt so privileged to of been given the most precious thing they have ‘time’, and they spent it talking to me. It is lovely. The laidback attitude of the people i met was refreshing and beautiful to be. I decided to delete my one email address from my phone as i no longer need to spend time with anything that comes through on that email address. I choose not to spend my time on anyone who thinks i deserve less than what i know i deserve. I decided simple words like “Its ok” are some of the most beautiful words i have ever heard.

And ‘Its ok’ to ask questions, and ask lots, because how else will i get answers, will i understand, will i learn or grow my perspective my knowledge and my beliefs if i do not ask. I always ask people questions, sometimes they are random, sometimes they are personal, other times they are philosophical, i ask because i am curious to how other people are similar or different to me in the way they think, see and have experienced life. For i will always be the girl that asked the questions that made them think more, that made them see that i am not just a pretty girl, I am a curious, fun, intelligent and witty girl. I am a talented, caring and compassionate girl, with a passion and lust for magic and beauty.

For what it is worth to anyone reading this…. and thinking too much or feeling too much “Its ok” it will get better it always does….. but Its ok to feel sad, its ok to feel anger, its ok to feel lost or confused, we are human and its ok to feel, its what we are made to do, to feel, some of us feel so deeply, and its ok because it shows we cared so deeply, loved so deeply and believed so deeply. That is not a bad thing, it is good, as it shows that we are more than what we think we care, and capable of.

This is problem…

This is my fourth day in kos,Greece. I understand why people say that Greece is one of the most beautiful places on earth. It is one of the few truths that i have heard leave peoples lips, and Kos is no exception. The people are very friendly, the weather is beautiful, and if someone asked me to choose two colours to sum up Greece it would be blue and white. Two colours i have never really liked, yet here they are beautiful, they compliment one another. They work. Its ironic that it is also the colour of their flag.

In the last four days I (and my daughter) have travelled the length of Greece. It has been my first time driving on the opposite side of the road. Something i never thought I would be able to do. But i done it. From hiring a motorbike, to driving a buggy. The scenery has been beautiful, the uneven tan i have from driving each individual vehicle is now marked on my body. My journey through the wonders of Kos i will be wearing back to the UK (home) in a few days.

The people are so friendly, they all seem to have fallen in love with my daughter and her beauty. Its is strange to be honest. They all ask me “Where is your husband?” something i found out is; that to have a child ‘one’ must assume you have a husband as well. Which is quite different from the way one perceives you, if you have a child in the UK. The men are so polite over here. I spent some time talking to a few about their culture their home life and the way they perceive the world through their upbringing. The world ‘Gentleman’ holds the same values and description which the word holds to someone born in the UK. Gentleman- should be refined in the dictionary as a ‘dying breed of men’.

One thing however i have found interesting is the perception of love and respect, men and women have over here. The women are very respectable and strong figures. The men are very respectable and have good values when viewing a woman in what they look for. Is Love a universal language that everyone speaks? Yes it is. But few understand the language or appreciate the attachment and the significance attached to it. The bottom line is a man is a man, and a woman is a woman. They fit certain stereotypes no matter that the circumstances.

I asked a question “If you have a girlfriend you have a relationship with one woman, do you think it is ok, to sleep and be with other women” I asked this primary out to curiosity from my own wanderings and hurt, from my interest in the difference of relationships in different cultures. The one man replied,
“I live in Albania and i come out to Kos to work for 7 months, so i can not go without doing something for that time. If i see pretty girl i like i do something” I asked if he would tell the girl whom he is in a relationship with. He said “No. Why i would tell her?”

That broke my little heart in men and relationships. As it is the common practice of men to think this way. Men can separate sex and love and commitment so easy. Maybe women can too, maybe thats why i can’t understand the way men can do it because i am not one of them women.

To my relief another guy spoke and said “You can do that? there is not something right with your relationship. If you love you can not do that, you do not feel like you want to be with someone else, no one else you like.” – This guy was by far the most morale guy. I liked his view of love and towards women and relationships. There is a million questions that i asked and the answered and they asked and i answered. They told me stories of their lives, and interesting perspectives. They tried their best to actually understand me, apparently English people talk very fast. I taught them a very polite word to ask someone to repeat what they said, if it was spoken to fast…’Pardon’
They would speak to me and if i did not hear or understand them i said ‘Pardon?’ They found this an amusing word. So now when i leave in two days a little bar in kos, Greece will say ‘Pardon?’ to the British people they do not understand. That makes me so happy.

I came to Greece a bit lonely and a bit down with my perspective of things, and with not much confidence in myself or the world, men, love or purpose.

I wot go home cured or with a new lease of life, I will just go home and be happy with the people i exchanged a few stories with and that gave me a few precious moments of their time and their life to me. I have also learnt that in Greece only two things are certain ‘Death and Taxes’ – I suppose its good to know.

I know that when a greek has more than two mosquito bites that “This is problem” A statement i laughed too hard at. They hate the mosquito bites just as much as anyone else and the mosquitoes just love blood, they are not fussy of race or gender.

Fear and its two faces ….

Its has been a while, blogging for me is like praying t a god i have never acknowledged before.

What happens when you give a person unlimited freedom? – They become who they really are. It is the same when a relationship ends, the person or the traits of who they were that you didn’t like become ever so more prominent. This i suppose is the most heartbreaking thing of a relationship, because as much as you did not like the attributes, and tried to deny them to yourself, in order to smooth over the relationship. To maintain it, no matter how unhappy it made you. When it’s over and you see the person for who they really are, selfish, self-absorbed, sleazy, and without discipline, it shows that the time you wasted trying to convince yourself otherwise is lost. The emotions you invested are lost, and the thoughts you had to fight with daily took up so much time and heartache was eventually so unavoidable because of who the other person REALLY was. We all like to convince ourselves and others we are good people. But who are we when we think no one is looking or no one will find out? That’s who we really are. We all like to think that given any type of situation we will do the right thing, but the right thing has consequences, is it the right thing for us (selfish gain) or the right thing for someone’s else ( no gain for us, just drama/trouble etc, but happiness for someone else)

The way we think of ourselves is crucial in how we attract and how comfortable we are with ourselves and others. They say the things you like about other that you hold in such high regard are the things you most like about yourself. I think this is pretty accurate. I appreciate honesty, and loyalty, i love someone ho has a good sense of humour, who loves to be creative or artistic and likes weird stuff and philosophical stuff. I like all these things about myself too. I have realised that I do actually like a lot of things about myself, based on what I like in other people. Especially emotionally, I like someone who is patience who is calm and compassionate, people who are empathic and caring is such a beautiful thing in another human. These are also things i am. The flip side, however, is that the things we dislike or even hate about other people is what we also dislike about ourselves, as we have to try very hard not to indulge yourself in this behaviour. I dislike liars because i could lie, i could lie so easily, but i refuse to…..I could be a slut, or a flirt or a sleazy girl, it would be easy for me, i am pretty talents and have a great personality. Though i chose not to indulge in something so immature and self-destructive. I dislike people who have quick tempers as it takes alot to keep mine under control as i have trained myself not to flare off.I dislike people who let their emotions run off because i can let this happen and it ends up hurting both myself and those around me.

We are complex little being. We are also in such denial about ourselves as our perspective of our self is so flawed. I got asked by my therapist to ask people who are close to me and who are not “What is your perspective of me, and my life” This is not to take on board what these people perspectives are or judgements, and correct myself accordingly. It is to see if they have the same perspective of myself and my life, in which i reflect, to them, on social media, and through my behaviours. In this process i then have a idea of what the people watching the movie of ‘Lucz’ sees and witnesses what they value and are interested in, what they like or sympathise with, what they do not like etc. SO then from that i can compare it to my perspective of myslef, as i am not viewing my story, i am essentially the one that is behind the scenes. I know the set, the characters, the storyline, the tragedy and the accomplishments, that others do not see, or which i may not share or reflect in case of rejection, judgement, and my perception of what is deem able as a accomplishment or tragedy.

Like a turtle in a shell, when i am hurt or scared i hide in it, i do not go wild, i hide, i seek safety. An interesting point i thought. But inside that hard shell is a soft and beautiful creature. A creature that knows when to hide, because of how fragile she is.

FEAR – This old friend. Is actually very healthy. Without fear, we wouldn’t know its what we wanted. To feel indifferent about someone or something shows its not what you want, its just a simply or easy thing to disregard. Fear shows we want it, we believe in its magic, the fact it will challenge us, draw out another side of us, new emotions, and a different kind of life/ experience that we have may have had something similar before …. and enjoyed and valued it in some way therefore we fear it as it was a experience that helped us grow, feel and live and change us differently to who we were before, what life was before. Fear shows interest, shows a soulful attachment to delve into what could nurture us into another world/life/ experience and happiness. If we have the courage to let us feel the fear and embrace stepping over the other side of fear.

He calls for me… not you….

Have you ever met a girl with the saddest eyes you ever seen? They penetrate into your soul with a stare…you know she is more than just the coat of perfectly formed flesh she wears. Have you ever met a girl who can figure you out, better than you could ever figure yourself out…. but she still hasn’t figured herself out … she still doesn’t see her magnetic essences …..her mind blowing presences…and her invisible beauty that could lure the devil himself to pray to god….

There is a girl… she can captivate your attention with an expression, she can retain your interest with a sentence should she require it… but she never will need your attention… and that is what will make you want to invest more in this girl….

This girl can pull out the depth of you, that you never knew existed, she can enlighten you to worlds and emotions you have never experienced… if she was a drug, she would be ‘limitless’. If she was a goddess, she would be the goddess with which the devil himself would pray to God for her love and attention …..to touch her flesh….

Have you ever met a girl who carried as much dark as she could radiate light…. the kind of girl that when she smirks, her eyes become a brighter blue and she and you know, you are powerless as she could ruin you…. love you and leave you and you would still love her long after she has gone….
A girl whose flesh she could sell for a price with no remorse… as she knows the difference between her body, her mind, and her soul.

She could sell her flesh so she has money to dream, but very few could ever make love to her mind, and this is when she will fall in love with you…. but never will she dare to let you see…. She keeps her demons on a leash and she enjoys them scratching at her skin…. as when you touch her it burns their blood away….She likes to watch your chest rise…. trace the ink beneath your skin.. and watch it move when she makes love to you……

She can be cruel, she can be kind, it depends on her state of mind. She will never apologise for the cuts she caused, as you let her in, you let her close enough, she didn’t ask for you to fall in love…..

This kind of girl see’s magic in the world, magic most people never see, and if you ever should be lucky enough to share her time, and air she could point out a few to you…. in those moments you will see her inner- most workings…. class it as another wonder of the world, as not many get to be let in this far.

This girl i can write about….. as she can light up your world, destroy it, or leave you stuck in despair in it….. for very few she will trade her heaven for their hell, as this girl had learnt love. She has been cut by its shards, and she has baptised herself in her own blood, in the name of what she thought was love.

Give her a challenge…. and she will never disappoint….she will always surprise…If you can’t find her she’s lost between ink spots and dusty spines…If she is ever in need of peace in a cemetery is where she will be… and if she is hurt don’t be surprised when you see another masterpiece…

This girl will not conform.. will not be kept or surrender …. she is the earth and she can nurture or bury you… and if you ever lie or deceive her she will never forgive you….

Girls like this exist and they are the ones that will always be loved…..
They are broken girls, with burnt wings….. and these girls understand EVERYTHING …..

Rawity ….

There are people who cross our path, there are people who blow up our path and those who we find along the way of our own path.
There’s a select few that will be standing and joining us on the journey of our walking. I have overcome a lot the last few weeks, although it feels like months. I have encountered a new array of people, and I have disposed of a lot of people. But I have done so with dignity and love. Just because you remove people from your life, your path it does not mean that you should lash hate or bitterness towards them. The world encounters enough hate from, rude, uneducated and inexperienced people, don’t be one of them. Especially when you can be better than them, anyone can set off a bomb, and destroy what has taken time and love to build. It takes the mark of a compassionate human to actually see that beyond the explosion of this bomb there will only be destruction, even for yourself. I have struggled with anxiety and bipolar for many a year. They say that people with bipolar disorder feel more intensely and more deeply. I know this to be a fact. A horrid fact that has affected me and my actions towards those around me. As human beings we have a natural instinct that if we are hurt, we lash out if we foresee someone hurting us, that attack is the first\best form of defence. Harsh lessons are learnt from every hurtful experience. The one I have encountered is that the lashing and hurt bestowed upon me is nothing more than instinct and issues from an uneducated infantile human.

I lost a guy from my life, the good things he brought to my life are not as ‘good’ as the bad things I was left with. My anxiety increased to its maximum. This was due to the insecurities his past behaviour had caused me to feel. Where there is broken trust and lies, there will always be a blanket of doubt no matter how ‘perfect’ they then can be. I had insecurities that were given to me. Therefore I bore anxiety which was only ever attached to this person, and feelings of distrust and hurt. If you have ever been truly hurt by a lover, it never dies, the hurt remains, it just transpires and manifests in different ways. That’s how psychology and human emotions work. As a human our self-worth now seems to be based upon how people treat us, opposed to how we treat them and others. A person who lashes you with names and insults is not a reflection of who you are, but just of how they see you, rightly or wrongly. Your self-worth is based upon how you respond and how you filter this experience. It is all too easy to say ‘ i done this, or acted this way because ‘you did this’ This does not prove that the other person is responsible for their malicious actions, it shows how little they understand of their own thought process and behaviour. No one can make you do anything you ‘didn’t’ want to do. No one can impose you say something nasty, they are your words, your thoughts that you materialise through your mouth through your voice.

I have it granted I am no angel, but I am now more evolved and experienced through understanding these simple actions. For every action, there is a re-action, if you react to a person. If you decide to take an action and throw it out into the world, then surely there will be a reaction. The universe is like that. If you are having a bad day and decided to become annoyed and your vibes are low, then surely you will attract more low vibes. The ‘vibe’ i am referring is as simple as the energy you put out into the world and let control your conscious stream of thought which inturn affects your behaviour. I have practised the positivity, and I have reaped the rewards ten fold. I have indulged in the synchronicity that is at play within the universe around me every day and I have listened and acknowledged. The negativity and insecurities of my anxiety have ceased to exist as the person who brought that into my life has ceased to be in my life and play such a ‘big’ part in my life.

I have taken a break from uni and thought that I would focus more on my writing and my photography, however very few words have stained a page, and even fewer images have materialised from my camera. And this is ok, I have been plunged into the world I hadn’t planned to be in, my year was suppose to be so different, unfortunately, the universe and the world had seen different. I had come to realise a few weeks ago in the mist of a depression that this is my incubation period. And from an incubation period can only come nurture and growth. This is what I have experienced, and I am ever so grateful for. I am grateful for the people who have come into my life and helped me through and during this process. I am grateful for the people who have left and enabled this process. In the human world, we have a ‘Time’ a time frame and a perception of time. However, the divine time of things is where the true magic and the true experiences and rewards lie. We could work really hard at a job and have been doing so for two years, and the promotion we have been wanting is not given to us. The human reaction is to be disappointed or disheartened. Yet maybe in a few weeks time we find ourselves looking for another job and it has the even bigger promotion than the one we were disappointed we didn’t ‘get’. This isn’t a coincident this is divine timing. The experience we have accumulated over the last two years working effortlessly was not for the promotion we sought, but for the promotion, we couldn’t see coming. I highly believe in this, and it has been proved to me on a number of occasions. The old saying that ‘the world works in mysterious ways’ is a saying much says, but have no true concept of, not really.

I will not preach about my view or convince anyone that my way or thinking or my faith or belief is what is right, for some people are not yet mentally and emotionally ready to accept and nurture this belief. And some people are not ready yet to awaken. That is fine, everyone’s belief and faith is distinctive to their own experiences and self-awareness. Everyone’s journey is different and so I will only wish those the best on their journey.

I have embraced a lot about myself and the world and through this I have been able to be inspired in my images which I will commence. This series of images will be the series of images that really does portray ME, my incubation, my awakening and my personality along with my faith. This is a series that will be unlike any others as my other images were inspires through pain, and emotional distress. I have always been scared of happiness, as I am a writer and artist who is inspired by pain, and trauma. So I always wondered upon what I would create, how I would be a artist should this be absent. Thanks to my incubation period i now see a lot of my images were my coping mechanism through a turbulent relationship that caused me a lot of pain. I see that my coping mechanism was both healthy and unhealthy, as for every image I look back upon I see in my mind’s eye the place I was at the time, the ‘things’ or ‘thing’ that someone said or did to make me feel a specific way to create this. I look back now as memories that I have immortalised in these times, they sit in picture frames and some people look in awe, in compassion, in empathy, some are inspired and less isolated, as they can relate. There are so many ‘things’ my images and poetry conjure in people, but I am glad that they do, as those people are people who have encountered a pain, a hurt, a sense of loss, or defeat. And they are the people who I have the most admiration for, the most love for…. as they have survived and learnt how to survive.

The people who know, me who I let into my circle ( as I am so fussy about who I give a piece of my life too) see the images, see how they have a haunting message. Yet everyone who sees them knows me, and people who I don’t really know, who see them, then meet me, cannot believe the contrast. My images, haunt, my words raw, yet I am such a funny, happy person, with intelligence, and wit. I have smiles for everyone and a warmth that I give freely to those I love and trust. I have such an adventurous soul, and I can make even the worse of situations the most positively funny and memorable. I have a light, and for all those who are in dark times, or seek help or advice, I ensure they leave with as much love and light as I can possibly and humanly give. I will encourage and support and inspire everyone I can, that’s just me….. I love being me. I love my talents as an artist, as a writer, as a mum as a human. For if I say ‘I want to do……’ I will whether it be: learn how to ride a motorbike, or lay a patio out the garden, build a porch or retile my floor or walls, I am self-sufficient and capable of everything I see others do. I am a teacher a healer and a seeker….. and I love that most about me. I also love the fact I am all or nothing, I am never grey in anything I do or anyone I love in my life. I also love and embrace my dark side, the side that is my temper my anger…. my relentless determination because if I never had such anger I could never experience such passion or such intense love. If I did not have such a vile temper I would never be able to appreciate my calm nature and my earthly spirit. I have a temper and a fiercely protective streak, but I am the mother so therefore I know what pure love is… and the fierce way in which I will protect anything I love.

We can be hard on ourselves at times if we fail, or perceive ourselves to fail at something or do not achieve an outcome. If someone should treat us a certain way or we act a certain way which hurts someone else, intentionally or unintentionally, we can punish ourselves a lot more than anyone else could. Don’t be too hard on yourself, emotions are the raw strands of being human, and humans are allowed to make mistakes, but when one does, ensure that you realise your behaviour, your reaction, your actual words are all from you, no one else, no one has forced you to do anything you did not want to do.

Control … 

If someone shall banish you from their life then their control over your life is expelled. If I shall write a poem or publish a post of memories past, then as a free person that’s what I shall do. I have no one else’s feelings to consider as I owe no one nothing. They do not care for my feelings so why should they be repaid with anything more than they are willing to give. I could sit quite and mourn, but if they don’t they why should I. Why should I mourn something that was meaningless. I shall write as I’m a writer and I shall create images as I document my life through photos. I shall combine both when I see that there is something worth honouring. I met a man who was kind and never showed any anger or threw any insults. He was a man who could talk, not just shout aggressively. He had patiences even as nothing more than a friend. I realise how valuable this was when I had a man who was the polar opposite of this. This man made me feel worthless, meaningless, and disposable. So why should I not honour the qualities of someone else who I now appreciate more. I do not see this man anymore and neither do I want too. But I can honour his attributes.  For all the things he was, he was always kind. And for that I wish him the best in life and love. For the other man who was not, I wish him still all the best in life and love. 

I need no validation from anyone about who or what I am. I know my flaws and I know my strengths. I am not perfect I am human. But I have the strength now to say goodbye to a past, to both of these men. And to start my life with new exciting people. I could be a lot of things but bitter is one I shan’t be. The man who is aggressive and insulting, can think what he likes, say what he likes, and do as he likes. He is not mine, and I, not his. I can laugh now genuinely with his assumptions and idiotic aggression and foolish ignorance. I can laugh at his deluded thoughts and perception. And I can walk away knowing I did my best like I always do. My paranoid ways would of been there had he not played the games and treated me in such a way. If he had not been such a horrid person I wouldn’t of been either. But I now, am not at war, with myself or him or anyone else. I am glad he thinks his deluded thoughts and he is ignorant as it means he will hate me and blame me for all his choices and actions. His behaviour and his decisions, all the while being so arrogant of the truth. But that’s something he never could give, or take, the truth. That’s his mistake not mine, and I won’t be condemned for what he thinks in his pathetic little mind. He turns a thought in his head into his own reality and  hates anyone who tries to set him right. Have your twisted reality, enjoy it, and your self sabotage, I am not your enemy, I am now your nothing. The way I am happy for it to be. I miss nothing of you, or what you gave and put me through, I miss nothing of the insults and aggression and the ignorance in which you speak. So save it and give it to someone else…. I am not under your spell. 

Silly boy, play with your silly girl toys, and let the adults live their life’s. assume what you like, you’re wrong again as always…. but fight away, You’re on your own.