To be human, in these times of crisis both environmental and governmental we forget what we are. Human. I wonder how many people carry with them guilt, the guilt of not being able to do all the things expected of them, with families, partners, work commitments, friends and social commitments, and that of  school or educational commitments, then the laundary or housework alongside the expectations to still be perfectly groomed and appealing. Or if not perfectly groomed at least fit. This is about the worst type of world to be in, whereby guilt becomes our shadow.

The ability to do something we find pleasure in, and find time for, for ourselves, is seen as not important. But this is essentially what makes us human, the ability to enjoy the world and indulge in our desires our passions, our hobbies. If you ask ten people what their hobbies are, at least six or seven of them will have to think on this question. WHy? because they havent got time have a hobby a passion or pleasure. The rest will probably name a hobby, but when the next question comes along,” how often do you get to practice your hobby or indulge in it’ They will probably have to think of the last time they did. Which saddens me so much. Everyone deserves to be human, to do something that is not a means to a end but a source of pleasure and satisfaction.

When was the last time you sat at a coffee shop and people watched, watch the world pass you by and just relax. Not be bound to a appointment so you kill tie at a coffee shop, or wait for a friend, to socialise with. But just sit and indulge in time and peace.

Or when was the last time you sat on the beach, not to occupy the children as a day trip out to meet the requirements of a ‘day out’ but just sat there, watched the tied rolling in and out, notice how no two waves ever caress the sea the same as they meet the shore. See the clouds prancing across the sky, and their changing shape. Into animals or faces or flowers? When was the last time you watched a sunset or a sunrise properly sat there to watch one, the colours of pink and purple merging melting into a liquid gold or amber stream? When did you last sit in the woods, watch the shadows and lights change on the floor or hear the bird singing.

Whether it be reading, ( my favourite) or sunsets (another favourite) riding your horse (another guilty pleasure of mine) no matter what it is that brings you such immense tranquility and pleasure and peace. When was the last time you done it? and didnt feel guilty for doing it? essentially when was the last time you connected with your soul and fed it peace and pleasure.. and enjoyed being human. They say mental health disorders are primarily due to environment, I agree, If i havent done something i enjoy for a week i find my mood dip dramatically.

Schools teach children so much, but they do not teach them the things they require as humans not as governmental commodities. Did you know that your birth certificate registers you as the governments commodity? schools dont teach you your human rights, why? because its normally government run schools. They do not teach you about the government or the voting systems or politics, why? because knowledge is power and knowledge is what makes people question. Children are not taught of their common law rights, either. Why? because alot of legal laws will be flawed by the common law and the government wants to repress and control. The schools dont teach you how to be human, or enjoy being human or what it consists of, it literally just conditions you to become a drone and something that makes it money.

A sad truth, So please everyone indulge in what makes you human, enrich your life’s, your mental and emotional and spiritual state as right now alot the only thing that really defines us as not robotic workhorses is a name.

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It can be …… whatever you so wish it to be.

The freedom of a artist is boundless, as boundless as the mind it is conceived in and born through whatever medium deemed by said artist. I guess I am luckier than most, because I have a mental health disorder and i take little pills that keep me as balanced as they can. I often wonder however without such medication what i would be like, and i find it quite said that the chemical imbalance in my brain causes me to live with such a stigma. A stigma that is attached to anyone with a mental health disorder. I know that based on my family, that I am different from them. I have such little in common with them, and it causes me to drift further away mentally and emotionally, and also physically. I see them maybe once every two weeks, maybe. My mother does not understand my illness and as a parent feels somewhat responsible, as for all intents and purposes she created me. I understand this as i am a mother myself. However how she handles such a situation is completely different to what i would with my daughter. But as individuals we handle things different. Me and my mother are not close, she is closer to my younger sister which is understandable as she can relate better to her. Me and my mother have one thing in common our love for my daughter. My sister another subject, we have nothing in common, at one point when she was growing up when i had moved out at 15 were so close and during the period of me being 17 she lived with me and my daughter. I know all families are different, i do not envy families whom are close, as to me, to keep everyone happy is somewhat exhausting. I cant help but wonder however what a close family would entail, a curiosity like anyone would have.

I find it fulfilling however that I have such a private life from my family, although i actually have a sister and mother i find my family is my daughter and partner which is nice. Its like a subdivision that im a major fan of. Those this does pose some issues, As a mother i often wonder about my illness in later years with my daughter. WHen i relapse like everyone with a mental health disorder eventually encounters. I have had two relapses in the last four years. One was primarily due to stress with uni and my partner his ex and a situation that was pure hell. As she was lying he was lying and i didnt know what to believe. Thankfully all that has been dispelled despite a little cloud still being there. Her checking my blog daily and a few times a day, my facebook page, within seven minutes of me uploading something the hit was clicked. Although this does not bother me, its somewhat flattering in a way, it also makes me think why? so then i check her stuff every couple of weeks. And still bitterness ensues. Although she likes to think she has the upper hand unfortunately still does not, knot knowing that my phone has changed and my internet provider three months ago and what she talks about in-depth with on her social media sites has no interest to me. I visit her twitter occasionally because of her daily visits to my in-depth blog, and flickr account. Considering such a toxic situation was apparent with us I am unsure what she thinks she is gaining or what she thinks she is gaining, or winning, by constantly mentioning her ex or having digs. Unfortunately the only person whom perceives themselves as mental unstable at the moment is not me but her. But because i have a label, I have the stigma attached. Which leads me to think that the most dangerous and unstable people are those whom are not diagnosed yet. As they are blind to their own mental state, deeming it as normal. when it is anything but that.

I am a pretty open person regarding my illness I also volunteer a day a week at a call center to offer support to those with mental illnesses, and I attend a self help counselling group whereby i counsel people whom suffer from self harm. This has made my life be somewhat more meaningful. Alot of the people i counsel with self harm are young girls, and this is so alarming. AS a mother i want to hug them, but as a person whom knows and experienced this myself all i can do is educate them, and their families. Their parents namely as this is where the biggest misconception lies in the parents view on this. I know this sounds alarming for those whom do not suffer with the impulses to harm themselves but i think it healthy and normal. A ancient tribe practice this, and call it blood letting. In which they view it as releasing and cleansing their souls through releasing negativity and toxins from the body.  I find people whom binge drink odd, or people who go out start fights, or take drugs, as self harm is seen as a coping mechanism, but so are so many other ‘normal’ things. I use the word ‘normal’ as society deems these acceptable but self harming is not. Maybe its just my perspective, maybe its just i think different because of my illness. But i wouldnt change the way I am ever. And if bipolar makes me think this way and provides me with little additional gifts of intelligence and creativity that defines me different from my family, I say I am glad that I have this disorder.

Would you believe me……….

213ecdb FABIAN PEREZ perez_46409_2

This Artist consistently blows me away with his ability to convey emotions and atmosphere and give his subjects the ability to command your attention and stand in awe at their presences. Luckily enough for me, i Own a original ink of Fabians, and its the one i have posted here. The only image available of it is the one i have allowed ART BROKERAGE to put up. This image sits in my room, and everytime i gaze at it im inspired, heartbroken and completely spell bound. Also I meet Fabian Perez and what a beautiful man he is, and very handsome too.

127280,xcitefun-oil-paintings-by-bob-hefferan-12 ROB HEFFERAN .product9075_main

Would you believe it of i told you these were paintings? I could not believe my eyes when i saw these myself. This man is superhuman, the detail the lighting the textures the colours are that of perfection? How the hell can that happen, and how the hell can their not be more publicity and awe of this man.  The Art of this world is dead thats why, ARt and Poetry are long gone appreciated traditions. Which is so sad, everyone wants a pretty flower canvas to match their decor …… I would by a piece of this image and i would match my decor around this beauty. But hey thats just me.

Thought i would share these painters and pay homage to the most equally talented men, for opposing reasons. Fabian Captures the moment with his oils and ink paintings. He brings you into their world. Whereas Rob makes you question the world, He makes you stand their and admire the beauty of these works, the skill, the light, the everything.  My TWO favourite modern day artists.

Series ……..concept and Time.

Time, its a funny thing, some of us are tied to it, others not. Some of us make time our priority others just tend to go along without no rush or care…. I am a bit of both. But since the dawn of time man has always been somewhat living by time. Before a watch/clock it was always told by the position of the sun. How beautiful, to look to the sun, to mother nature and see what time she decides it to be. Opposed to the mechanism of a ticking man made bit of steel.

Therefore i have decided to do a series on TIME

I have decided to do a candid series, as when people are relaxed their aura, their appearance and their projection of themselves change, sometimes so dramatically. There was a scientific study that when people are given a mirror in which to look at themselves and their brainwaves and muscles were monitored. And the results show that as soon as they were given a mirror their expression and stance changed, even for themselves when no one else was in a room they altered the way they look their appearance, emotional state to see a pleasing reflecting. I find this bizarre as i do not give a rats arse what i look like most of the time.

So with tis tied in i have decided to do CONCEPTUAL MIRROR SERIES and a CANDID series. Which i am also thinking of doing a follow up series of actually UNCANDID with the same people, just to show the difference.

Obviously with any type of series you have to do a BLACK AND WHITE series so that is a given.

WIth regards to my last blog post regarding personal art, and art in general i havent quite nailed what i want to achieve from this series, yet. SO although this is a given series the outcomes and exact photos i have in mind are still a bit fuzzy. Though with putting alot of thought into the ART series and talking about Cezanne yesterday i have decided that i am going to do a ‘take’ on the pieces of art that have heavily influenced me. In the way i fall in love with art, admire the technical precision and complimentary colours, the conscious proportions, the light that has been man made and created but looks as if mother nature has lent a hand. SO i will RE-CREATE the images i have been inspired by, but obviously give it my own twist, which will obviously end up as a dark art piece.

so ART INSPIRED RE-CREATION is another series.

I havent decided how many series i want to do yet but i know they have to be things to take me out of my unusal style.

I have BOKEH

INVISIBLE

INSECT – not as real animals and insects, this one will have a great conceptual twist.

I was also contemplating submitting a image to dark beauty competition based on ‘secrets’ unfortunately i know the artist’s work who will be judging and its very conceptual fashion based and that is clearly not my style at all. ITs not at if I am not going to enter as i will not win, its the fact i dont like that genre an i know that will be favoured over other genres. So for now i think i will leave it be mulled in my mind.

IF there are any spelling mistakes in this I apologise, i find after writing it, on a white background with black text and the lighting of the computer my eyes literally give up and everyword starts to swirl and basically perform a salsa dance. WHich means I literally cant de-code anything i have written, but i notice all of these mistakes when i publish this work and it appears on a black background. Then only then can i read what i have wrote, thats Irlen syndrome for ya.

New eyes old soul

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So, today is a day whereby i finalise a few images for a competition i have entered. And I am proud of these images as they capture that ‘something’ that every photographer wants to be able to capture. I think its the soul, or the personality of the person. They way they express themselves through their eyes, by accident or to command the audiences presence. And any good photographer when they look at the in-camera previews straight away do a little geek dance. Knowing that have ‘THAT’ shot. I am lucky in alot of ways with my photography, as i have mastered editing, I have the artistic eyes nailed, and the technical aspect well sometimes that goes to hell, and what then gets produced it complete art. Every rule ever wrote was meant to be challenged in order for the evolution of new rules, new terms, new ideas, function, knowledge and a higher standard of personal and professional deliverance. I am not a massive fan of the bokeh light types of photography, but i have chosen to do a series on this. Why? I ask myself that every time i contemplate doing it. Because with the most beautiful painters ….. of still life. ( the endless fruit bowls) Yes those fruit bowls that have been painted sketched and impressed upon constantly from before the renaissance to present day. The object of those still life pictures were to take every day objects and the concept that people had delivered before them and to make it more interesting and ‘their own’ for someone to one day paint or photograph the most amazingly ‘new’ concept of this fruit bowl. That was like nothing no one had ever seen before. I actually think even to this day some are still trying. (poor bastards needs to give it up) But its what is important to you as a creative individual. To challenge yourself, so you grow and evolve and like Cezanne use a innovative new impressionism of what you see. So when i have completely decided on my series and their categories i will list them and state why i have chosen these categories.

A little glimpse into my world; into me. I am having a watercolour tattoo ( something i have wanted for so long) on the back of my arm, and the watercolour image is not going to display anything in particular its going to just be colours that are merging and melting into one another and dripping down the back of my arm. This is massively because I can watercolour and its always been therapeutic for me. The other reason is I want it, and why should i be afraid of having it done or peoples reactions to it…im talking professionally at the moment. The career i am heading for is not exactly thrilled for tattoos to be on show. But considering I will be promoting what i will have my body covered in, then i suppose i have a good argument. Also as im booked in for a whole day sitting in a tattooist I’am finishing the  foot tattoo theme up So they are officially done. Feet tattoos are the worst most painful tattoos in the universe. Oh yes and ribs too. they do sting a fucking lot. But what i am most excited for is mine and my partners new matching tattoos, we are having each others finger prints on our hands where our thumbs sit when we hold hands. Also because of all we have been through we are paying homeage to that, by having horse shoe tattoos to mark how much we have come along. This was his idea as hes totally in love with the film True romance, and that was their wedding ring. So him being the romantic he is wants them, as i refuse to wear a horse shoe ring he bought me. Because I do not want to cover the tattoo i have on my wedding finger. So i wear the ring around my neck one a chain. Tattoos are so meaningful to me, and my partner and he is covered in them, from his exes face on his leg, in some dotwork, to a death moth and some lyrics in homage of another ex. And a red string of fate from our first weekend together, and because i speak spanish and i introduced him to a beautiful and my favourite film ever or one of, vanilla sky. He has has the side of his face tattooed with the spanish ‘ open your eyes’ which is a beautiful theme throughout the film.  And luckily for me i have a true talent when it comes to poetry so he has dedicated some space on his body ( theres barely any room left) to haveing his favourite lines and extracts from my poetry. Which i thought was so beautiful and sweet.  I think i will do a series on personal art. Yes i will. Art and its subjective meaning to the person.

anyway I have lots to do now, and i have spent too much time on here ……….. so bye. x