Love is blind and so am I ……

Its 3am, and i just watched the most beautiful film i have ever watched. I had a favourite film, it was vanilla sky. I never thought i would love another film like i did that one, yet here I am, saying I do.  (which means we are married)  Its a quote from the film, but I have a new favourite film. Though i refuse to share it with anyone, i will never watch it with anyone. WHy? Because i watched vanilla sky with someone and they fell in love with it as well for the beautiful meaning, however, now – Its not the same. It was because i shared something of me with them, something i fell in love with, now its a mutual love. It is nice that they will always remember that film, a tattoo of the quote they have etched on their face in spanish. Spanish – the language i speak also. I have the quote also tattooed on me, it doe not make it any less but more in some ways. And i know in time, in reflection and hindsight it will mean a lot more to the person who have them words bleed into their skin with ink. I, however have a new favourite film, because of the meaning, because to the significance and i do not want to share it with anyone. No one at all, not even the person I love, as i want to keep that part of me for me. Just only me. They say love is blind, and so am I, as I am in love. But for as long as  I am blind i guess I am safe, as i know no better, as i cant see any better. Just like a stupid person is envied by smart people, in some flawed fucked up way. As the stupid people know no better, no different.

The film i just watched, i seen myself in the girl, so much.

“I am just a fucked up girl, looking for some peace of mind in someone else” a beautiful line, a warped truth. For that line and that girl alone made me realise so much, about love, perspective and myself. If i reveal the film to anyone, i will be revealing myself. Few people really know me, the real me.

See i realised something, I can get any man to fall in love with me, its not a challenge. It is not me being arrogant or having a ego. They will first see me for how i look, and i am pretty and slim. Then they will get a insight into me, by speaking to me. Then they will see how funny and smart and interesting I am. The things i list, are things i know, because so many people have mentioned them so often. Then they will be more intrigued and want to captivate me as the way i think and act intrigues a curious mind. If they see my work, they will be in awe, its how i met my last partner. He himself said after seeing my work and me, and having a brief conversation he just had to make me his. I thought this was sweet and somewhat what others have done. And  then they fall in love with me, the excitement i stir inside them, the way i can reach depths of them that no one else can. THe fact that every break up with a partner leaves them with place in their heart reserved for me. A longing sentiment of ‘ ill never find anyone like her again’. It is so endearing that anyone who comes into my life, welcomed in or who’s crashed in uninvited to have left a lasting mark on them. That years down the line, my name still stirs a good memory within them. I like that i have left so many people with a good memory of encouragement. A memory of happiness or liberation or sharing a piece of my life with them. As i am a very private person if i let you within the realms of my life i give you access to things no one else does. My body, my mind, and my soul.

That is the way it should be. If you love someone and they love you, the body you give them to make love to, to touch their lips to kiss, should only be yours and no one else’s. The fact you can touch them, their bare skin whenever you want to is such a intimate and sacred feeling i cherish. To give someone access to your mind, you lay out your insecurities and hope they never use them as a weapon. You lay naked with them, but fully clothed. Its what love is being vulnerable with someone, giving someone a empty box. When they look inside they say “theres nothing there” to which you can smile, and say ” yes there is, i am giving you the power, but you cant see it. I am giving you the power to hurt me, to make me cry, to cheat on me, or to walk away and leave me broken. I am giving you the power to scar me, but I am hoping you don’t” Only a intelligent person will understand what you mean, only a person connected to your path, who is able to walk on it with you, is able to understand what you mean. And then you give them access to childhood memories, past mistakes, you let them listen and form judgements, that they can use in their favour should they wish to hurt you, or to learn to understand you. You give them the bullets for the gun, and watch them with it. You let yourself become less of a mystery to them, as the quirky thoughts and expressions and way you think and see the world is no longer enchanting to them, unless they see the beauty in what you see too. Otherwise they just think, ‘Yep thats a lucz thing to say or think’ They will not appreciate this little quality until they leave.  Then you give them your soul, but you never really know you give them this until you can sit with a ache. A ache deep inside a nostalgic sickness and a pain thats so deep it takes your breath away. It takes your breath away so much so you have to remember to breath without them. This is both a beautiful thing and a harrowing thing. As to give someone your soul means they can ignite things in you, create things in you, burry things in you. If someone can stir your soul that someone was either a beautiful gift on your path or a bitter sweet mistake to encounter.  But when you give you body, your mind, and your soul to someone willingly or accidentally measure what you get in return.

A beautiful girl is only as beautiful as the man that makes her glow in a way no other man can. A julie roberts smile that can lite the world and make happiness contagious and love look like a fairytale. It is possible for a woman to become a million percent more beautiful if the man that adores her and she knows he do, they have given souls to each other……. kisses her on her cheek. I seen a couple that i thought had to be soul mates.  The amazingly talent Mister Robert Downey Jr and his wife susan. There are clips of these two on youtube under songs that he himself has sang. And she is gorgeous, when she looks at him, and he is the most handsome man in the world when he refers or smiles at her.  Fuck the Disney prince, I want what they have. Thats real and its clear to anyone and everyone that after nine years together….. they are still as in love and attentive to each other as they were in the first three months of dating, to me that is soulmates.

Thank you for reading…….

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Hopeless romantics…..

Every body has a weakness, and I guess i found mine. I read a beautiful quote once, and it said, ‘He asked her if she believed in love,’ and she replied. “Yes, its my most elaborate form of self harm.”

To me those few words, summed up to me what i put myself through when i love someone. Love can harm you in the most cruel and unforgiving ways, the insecurities that stay with you a lifetime. And yet, even knowing this you still allow yourself to fall in love. Its that pit in which we all climb, after we have healed ourselves from a love that has ended, and every day we grow stronger, and happier and more confident. We get to a point whereby we can never imagine having that, longing, lost, dis-attached feeling. Anxiety is choking you and questions needing answers are suffocating you. That stage where food have no flavour, music has lyrics so powerfully relatable that you break down in public places. You hate your own company but you need to be alone as you cant put up with anyone else. Yeah, when you are in this stage you can never, ever imagine being happy again. But it does come, one day at a time. Never look too much into the future, just remember to breath, and count your footsteps, cross off the days and know the pain will subside, but the scars he handed you will stay longer than that beautiful bouquet.

If his breath smells like a snake’s…………Then a snake he must be..?

Seven sins where to begin……

Envy is relief, to those who aspire and achieve.

Greed, wanting more than you can give, and would ever need.

Wrath the goddess’ delight where evil breeds to slaughter male species.

Lust, a beggars disease, As no kings knees ever bleed,

Slithering sloth, what a cost, the aspiration of motavational loss

Pride, where the ultimate cowards hide, empty palms, dripping with egotistical charm.

Gluttony like lovers feed, greedily gulping drinking the other as a antidote to our shallow selves.

Tell me how these are deadly sins to me, I dare you to challenge me.

© Lucz Fowler

greendressbirds

© Lucz fowler photography

Tortured Torsos

Every person leaves their mark on you, every memory stains, and every word hurts………….Until you walk away. Today has been a day of reflection and contemplation. I have spoke to so many people who have out of no where come back into my life. So many things these last few days have happened, little things that fate could be thanked for. Or serendipitous occurrences can be thankfully blamed. Each one has bought a little bit of hope, a little bit of relief and help.

I am a very spiritual person, ( not believing in god) and thankfully this has helped considerably especially when I have things revealed to me. Throughout my last relationship i constantly had a man who would reveal so much to me, and ask me to stand strong and wait….. I did. Now he has revealed the biggest revelation of them all, and i could not be happier at knowing this. This gave me something that I have waited for, for so long.

And then another man revealed a lesson for a lifetime to me as I sat on Roath Park bench today a familiar one, and I people watched. I cried a little, i smiled a little, and I felt calm and at peace for a little, and i thought alot. I had a gentleman sit down next to me and ask how my day was, the defensive part in me, wanted to say, ‘it was fine before you came along.’

Though i didn’t I am not a rude person but i find small talk pointless. So i said the truth, ‘Well i have had better,’

But i dared to meet his eyes. So i stayed fixated on the lake and the boats, but raised a smile with my lips. He paused considering the best way to respond i suppose, If considering a response at all. But his response was beautiful and sincere, and made me love the honesty and warmth of strangers. People who have no responsiblity or obligation to you, yet treat you with more care than those who can claim to love you.

‘Well that it a shame to hear… I could fill the silence with advice fifty six years worth of it. But only fifty six as for three years i was a alcoholic and remember nothing, so your welcome to fifty six years worth.’ And he sat looking out to the lake, content as if he thought the sentence not said a word.  I could of declined and said i was fine, but something compelled me to accept. Who knows he may of needed to talk to someone, to feel useful, to feel he still has a purpose or to even justify a bad act by doing a good one.

‘Life, love, and health,’ I let the words float out with no urgency, and no care. And he replied with the same casual tone.

‘Well, if it was me ten years ago, I’d tell you to have a drink with me. ( he laughed a little and i smiled) But life is a bitch, never expect anything good from it and you shall never be disappointed. But don’t ever stop trying to be a better person than you were the day before. God knows the world needs all of them they can get. ( he had a point, and it was sensible advice) Love, thats a tricky one, but again never expect any good and you shan’t be disappointed. But never stop loving someone just because they stop loving you. The world needs love, and so many people seem to forget the more love you carry inside you the more grows. ( at this point i bit my lip, this old ex drunk was a smart man) And as for Health, dont ever expect good health, we are mutations therefore our health will one day disappoint. But dont go drinking excessively or using drugs, just expect that health like age has a sell by date. But do know whatever life gives us to deal with in love or health know that those two show us who really matters and who we really matter too.’ His voice dropped slightly and i seen from the corner of my eye i could see his handkerchief wiping his eyes. I bowed my head a little and smiled.

He stood up and wished me a good day, and said ‘see you tomorrow Irene’ I wondered how old and crazy this man was at this point and doubted what just happened. I stayed on the bench for a little while longer then decided to go. As I got up I reached over the back of the bench for my Jacket, and there in the plaque was inscribed ‘For Irene, who would spend many hours sat here.’ It almost bought a tear to my eye. Love, life and health…… and his Irene……

Two tortured torsos sitting on a bench, thinking in our hollow heads, about the same pains. Part of me wants to sit on the bench tomorrow and hope he visits, another part of me wants to leave flowers on the bench. But since that little occurrence today….. I have felt so peculiar in a philosophical way.

Lesser version of me….unhappily, happy.

Why is it we can give someone the power to allow them to make us feel lesser about ourselves. Its a stupid thing to do, but then another stupid thing to do is to think you are worth less based upon their actions and behaviour and value of you. Just because someone has something missing from their life, heart or soul it does not mean that you should feel that way too. These last few months i have learnt alot in my life, both personal and professional. Some people never change, they always give up too easy, expect too much, and give to little.  This has been a common feature with a specific person within my life, that I have now finally decided to accept that, no matter what they will never be happy. As they are not deep down in a happy place themselves. They have the illusion that they are, but sadly after knowing someone so closely, its to most obvious thing i can now see. Some people do not know what they want in life or love. And that is ok. As long as they are not hurting anyone else that they have in their life. But those people who do, as lying to themselves and others, and thats such a sad situation as everyone end up hurt, for what good reason.

I once heard a woman answer a question based on her boyfriends fidelity.  The question was “Are you not afraid that your partner being this famous person will or could cheat on you”

The womans answer was flawless and such a beautiful answer, he it was…

” well, you know i could be afraid, but I trust that if he did do anything of the sort that he would have to live with that. Everytime he looked in the mirror he would have to meet his own eyes, and his own wrongs. That would then answer what type of man he is both to himself and to me. As if he could look himself in the mirror in his own eyes and know he has hurt, lied or betrayed me, I would surely know that he is not a self aware honest person with himself, so how could he ever be with me. To value someone else you must first value yourself and be honest with yourself. But for the moment I think i have a honest man with himself and me, so i value him and know that with this mind frame he would not jeopardise me, or us.”

I read this and thought about how beautifully confident this woman is, how self aware she is, and how in-tune she is with both herself and her boyfriend. And for the first moment ever in my life I realised that when you lie, deceive and hurt someone, no matter how you try to justify it to yourself, it is the time you stand and look at yourself in the mirror and know you can live with what you have done. Who you have hurt and most of all, you can walk away from them with less care and concern than that of a stranger who has injured themselves in a fall. Is when you sum up to everyone including yourself ‘Who you truly are’

Unfortunately some people never learn, and never grow. I have, I am a great person, im a good person, I am not perfect but no one is, but anyone who knows me can list a million good traits compared to any bad. SO the value others place on me, is worth more than the value that someone takes away from me, because they have no true honest value for themselves.

This image is to deplict the creature that self worth can turn you into. I am a female yet i have no female attributes in view, as when you feel degraded you feel like a lesser form of your gender also. I feel like a creature more than a human.

whispering void…..silent noise

what can change in a second? ………….Everything.

Life, being and living. What you include, what you loose, what you abuse and those things you dont choose. Thats life, the innocent moments of thoughts and naïvety ( my favourite). The carefree laughs and awe in which you stare ( my most favourite). Then the touch that somehow reaches your soul ( i have too many favourites). All these beautiful things that make life worth living, and the soul alive. When you wake up with that person you love asleep next to you. When you coil your limbs in that person, wanting to loose yourself in their sleep, while listening to their rhythm of breathing. The innocence on their face, and their scent on your pillow. I think there is nothing more beautiful than to lay asleep at your most vulnerable with someone, knowing you will sleep safe, they wont hurt you. It seems a somewhat given? Then why does this change when eyes open and brains engage, neither are less vulnerable? But this is when the pain hurts the most, this is when you get hurt the most, when hearts quicken with what the eyes see and the soul is now aware.

What type of person are you? are you the type of person that sees the innocences in your lover when she/he is asleep and couldn’t dream of taking a knife and thrusting it into their heart? Like you would if you cheated/lied to them when they are awake. Or less say something a little less extreme, would you wake your lover from a sleep, a dream, to tell them the lies you have hid, the cheating you have done. Its just not done is it? then why do people do it when someone is awake. Do they deserve it more then? or is it as soon as they leave your bed, they leave their loyalty, dignity and love for you in their dreams, or in their sleep.

I suppose this is a cynical way of looking at something but never the less, its a truth.

We live in such a throw away society, that pains my heart, marriage is as disposable as razors. Divorce is chosen quicker than the next days outfit. Women seem to have lose morals and little self respect, and men seem to indulge at every opportunity in the variety of this. Technology could be blamed, but the user controls the technology and not the other way around. Though it is true, it is easier to find these types of girls with instant access to sleazy dating sites.

Men hate to be called sleazy and are so quick to condem other men for being a sleaze, yet their very actions, thoughts, lies and behaviour is that of what they hate.  Yet they so easily allow themselves to become this. But this is a arrogant man, who is arrogant in everything, advice, life, love and hard work. As to be a respectable man is a choice that requires discipline, same with women. And discipline takes confidence, self awareness and hard work. But the one thing it takes more of than anything else is integrity. To know that the person that loves them is worth more than the four they are already contemplating as shinny new options. The age old saying of ‘is the grass greener on the other side.’ The answer easy. Name one man who has traded his wife for his mistress, to find his mistress leave’s him. Karma? or even better the relationship fizzles out? and he realised how empty his life is without his wife, and the story always has the twist.

The twist? Im glad you asked.

I wonder how many marriages are still together because the man or the woman who cheated was taken back by their partner?

And i wonder how many marriages are broken because they cannot forgive that person, trust that person?

And then i wonder how many mens mistress’ lasted longer than the divorce proceedings.

The Twist? that you cant predict how it will end. But the thing you will know is that nothing will ever be the same again, in your world or theirs when you decide to betray the ‘love’ that was given purely.

Hurt people, hurt people. They cannot help it i suppose, there are excuses that can be made, but then it gets to a point when every excuse has been exhausted. Every tear has been shed and every sob has been sobbed. The confidence is smashed like a mirror and trust is as apparent as sunlight dust.

To me effort is everything in a relationship, it doesn’t matter how damaged you are, respect and effort is of importance for recovery. Make the effort to make them secure. Give respect in the form of honesty. Effort is a key factor if you cant be bothered to make a effort anymore, to make them smile, to say hi, or even to let them know that there is a part of their heart that belongs to you. Then there is no incentive for the other person to make the effort as they dont feel loved. Would you? another void to suck out the happiness….

Sex is such a big part of a relationship and initmacy and strengthens the bond of love. Sadly however when the effort is not made in this area either another void is consuming your relationship. If you are a selfish lover, you are a selfish person. As you do not meet or understand the needs and wants of your relationship or partner.

The whispering void of blame and noise, ‘I dont do this because you dont do this, or you act like this.’ I would do that if you didnt do this’ so many people argue over the littlest things, to keep finding fault with someone is to sabotage yourself, no one is perfect. But if you find that one person, who has stood by you through the good and the bad. laughed along with you and supported the most idiotic decisions you have made as well as pushing you to some of the best you have made. Stop nagging, stop bitching, and just be thankful you have someone who loves you enough to be there no matter what. But if you are that person and you get nothing in return, no appreciation, or respect, or effort. My advice is walk, as these people will never know what they had infront of them as they were to busy looking to the side, and out for themselves. And no matter what you do it will never be enough, as these people are too damages to understand the purity of love, and what it is, its just a word they think they understand.