Its 3am, and i just watched the most beautiful film i have ever watched. I had a favourite film, it was vanilla sky. I never thought i would love another film like i did that one, yet here I am, saying I do. (which means we are married) Its a quote from the film, but I have a new favourite film. Though i refuse to share it with anyone, i will never watch it with anyone. WHy? Because i watched vanilla sky with someone and they fell in love with it as well for the beautiful meaning, however, now – Its not the same. It was because i shared something of me with them, something i fell in love with, now its a mutual love. It is nice that they will always remember that film, a tattoo of the quote they have etched on their face in spanish. Spanish – the language i speak also. I have the quote also tattooed on me, it doe not make it any less but more in some ways. And i know in time, in reflection and hindsight it will mean a lot more to the person who have them words bleed into their skin with ink. I, however have a new favourite film, because of the meaning, because to the significance and i do not want to share it with anyone. No one at all, not even the person I love, as i want to keep that part of me for me. Just only me. They say love is blind, and so am I, as I am in love. But for as long as I am blind i guess I am safe, as i know no better, as i cant see any better. Just like a stupid person is envied by smart people, in some flawed fucked up way. As the stupid people know no better, no different.
The film i just watched, i seen myself in the girl, so much.
“I am just a fucked up girl, looking for some peace of mind in someone else” a beautiful line, a warped truth. For that line and that girl alone made me realise so much, about love, perspective and myself. If i reveal the film to anyone, i will be revealing myself. Few people really know me, the real me.
See i realised something, I can get any man to fall in love with me, its not a challenge. It is not me being arrogant or having a ego. They will first see me for how i look, and i am pretty and slim. Then they will get a insight into me, by speaking to me. Then they will see how funny and smart and interesting I am. The things i list, are things i know, because so many people have mentioned them so often. Then they will be more intrigued and want to captivate me as the way i think and act intrigues a curious mind. If they see my work, they will be in awe, its how i met my last partner. He himself said after seeing my work and me, and having a brief conversation he just had to make me his. I thought this was sweet and somewhat what others have done. And then they fall in love with me, the excitement i stir inside them, the way i can reach depths of them that no one else can. THe fact that every break up with a partner leaves them with place in their heart reserved for me. A longing sentiment of ‘ ill never find anyone like her again’. It is so endearing that anyone who comes into my life, welcomed in or who’s crashed in uninvited to have left a lasting mark on them. That years down the line, my name still stirs a good memory within them. I like that i have left so many people with a good memory of encouragement. A memory of happiness or liberation or sharing a piece of my life with them. As i am a very private person if i let you within the realms of my life i give you access to things no one else does. My body, my mind, and my soul.
That is the way it should be. If you love someone and they love you, the body you give them to make love to, to touch their lips to kiss, should only be yours and no one else’s. The fact you can touch them, their bare skin whenever you want to is such a intimate and sacred feeling i cherish. To give someone access to your mind, you lay out your insecurities and hope they never use them as a weapon. You lay naked with them, but fully clothed. Its what love is being vulnerable with someone, giving someone a empty box. When they look inside they say “theres nothing there” to which you can smile, and say ” yes there is, i am giving you the power, but you cant see it. I am giving you the power to hurt me, to make me cry, to cheat on me, or to walk away and leave me broken. I am giving you the power to scar me, but I am hoping you don’t” Only a intelligent person will understand what you mean, only a person connected to your path, who is able to walk on it with you, is able to understand what you mean. And then you give them access to childhood memories, past mistakes, you let them listen and form judgements, that they can use in their favour should they wish to hurt you, or to learn to understand you. You give them the bullets for the gun, and watch them with it. You let yourself become less of a mystery to them, as the quirky thoughts and expressions and way you think and see the world is no longer enchanting to them, unless they see the beauty in what you see too. Otherwise they just think, ‘Yep thats a lucz thing to say or think’ They will not appreciate this little quality until they leave. Then you give them your soul, but you never really know you give them this until you can sit with a ache. A ache deep inside a nostalgic sickness and a pain thats so deep it takes your breath away. It takes your breath away so much so you have to remember to breath without them. This is both a beautiful thing and a harrowing thing. As to give someone your soul means they can ignite things in you, create things in you, burry things in you. If someone can stir your soul that someone was either a beautiful gift on your path or a bitter sweet mistake to encounter. But when you give you body, your mind, and your soul to someone willingly or accidentally measure what you get in return.
A beautiful girl is only as beautiful as the man that makes her glow in a way no other man can. A julie roberts smile that can lite the world and make happiness contagious and love look like a fairytale. It is possible for a woman to become a million percent more beautiful if the man that adores her and she knows he do, they have given souls to each other……. kisses her on her cheek. I seen a couple that i thought had to be soul mates. The amazingly talent Mister Robert Downey Jr and his wife susan. There are clips of these two on youtube under songs that he himself has sang. And she is gorgeous, when she looks at him, and he is the most handsome man in the world when he refers or smiles at her. Fuck the Disney prince, I want what they have. Thats real and its clear to anyone and everyone that after nine years together….. they are still as in love and attentive to each other as they were in the first three months of dating, to me that is soulmates.
Thank you for reading…….