My fear, My love, My weeping soul.

I always imagine the mind, heart and soul as separate entities. My biggest fear are clowns, i have had a phobia of them since childhood. So as a child i was scared of clowns, something most children considered to be friendly and safe. Something that brings laughter and fun into your world. Now I’ am a adult and I am scared of love, I think i have developed a phobia of love. Something most people think is beautiful and life enhancing is something that now terrifies me. So much so My soul quivers at the thought of such, and my heart wants to claw its way out of my throat and chuck itself under a train. Its a less painful and slow death, that it being destroyed by that thing called ‘love’.

I do not believe there is any reason for someone to lie or be deceitful, yet i base that on my own principles and morals. So to expect that from others, well i’m set up for disappointment really. Photography is a massive outlet for me, from ideas, emotions, and poems. I have a emotion burning inside me, one that cutting my arms will not release or calm. So i turn to my camera, and from the viewfinder I see my backdrop, and i smile. I set up my equipment, lock my focus and loose myself in my poses. Running back to t the camera after ten clicks, seeing if ‘the’ pose i want has been captured. Once it has, i move onto the next. The extra shots of angles, and additional characters. Then I pack up trudge to my car to come home to normality. Where i lock myself in my bedroom and i decide to loose myself again in my world and emotions by creating in lightroom/photoshop what only i can see in my imagination. Then I finish it….. and i display it for the world to see, judge and criticise. I suppose its another form of self harm….

Facebook posts and reach is really annoying me at the moment. It will say 600 people have seen the post and it will only be liked by 15 people. Now thats not too bad, but when I have over sixthousand genuine likes on my page from stream generated from magazines linking to my page and from other websites linking to my page it has frustrated me ALOT! i watched a video that said about how it is about timing, and about the new ‘ see first’ button. It annoys me why does it all have to be so complicated. Why cant the people who like you page see your stuff because they liked it in the first place just because i post at random times it does not mean they should not see it or at least get the chance to see it.

Facebook sucks arse……..Fuck  you SUCKERBERG!!

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You paused for to long…….

There are certain things that happen to us and  can take us a lifetime or more to understand why. Then there are other things that happen in which we realise straight away why that happened. why it occurred, the meaning the steam the cause. Sometimes ‘hindsight’ is the wand of a wizard allowing us to see things we were so involved with,  that the perspective was warped to a terrifying degree.

Emotions are powerful if not the most destructive and some of the beautiful things a human can own. Thoughts also a equally deadly combination or a beautiful escape. Which ever they are they make us, us. And the most powerful addiction for any human, love. We have all loved someone too much, so much that it warps who we are and what we see. We see ourselves in a different light and the lover to in another form. Maybe they are not always accurate or maybe they are so far fetched we create our fairytale and live it, because without the fairytale glasses we wear we would see that it is in fact hellish nightmare.At one point in our life we are all guilty of such sin.

At one point in our life we are all oblivious to the truth. I am no exception, after all I am only human. Love is something i write about quite a lot, i know. I understand why i do, because sometimes i think i can make sense of it other-times i have no clue what it is. But i think that is the way love is meant to be, never fully understood. Every person has their own version of what love is, what it feels like, how people display it and what it means to them. Some people after being hurt from what they believed was love shy away from it, completely. Never wanting to experience it again. I find this both sad, yet i find that i completely relate also to this. Is this person a coward because they shy away from love, or is it a great act of strength to never allow yourself be so vulnerable in love, which is essentially what every body, soul and heart yearns for; to be loved.

I don’t know what love is, i know that you never love two people the same way, or with the same kind of love. Each person brings with them a new found feeling of love, that i find tremendously scary. If i met someone, and I had the opportunity to see what my future, my love with that person would transpire into, would i choose to stay or run scared. A relationship or two of mine, if i could of had a opportunity would I of still fallen in love with them, even though they caused me such gut wrenching pain? Yes. I would see myself crumpled on the bathroom floor crying and sobbing, and i would watch scars appear on my arms, and a light fade from my eyes. I would watch my character and personality change from trusting to wary, and with every weak day that i fell to my knees and screamed in physical pain because my soul was shattering. I would go through it. Stupid? probably. Idiot, most likely. But If i did not go through it and experience it, it would not mould me into the person I am, my writing/poems would not be as rich with soiled pain. My images would not be as atmospheric and dark. I spoke to someone once, whom i didn’t respect much because what they revealed themselves to be. But a sentence she uttered made complete sense to me; “some of my best writings come from my bleeding wrists” This sentence didnt shock me, i just understood. I understand sometimes ‘happiness writes white’ (nothing appears)

This image of mine symbolises to me what love leaves you with, lungs full of love tears, a body so weak it can no longer swim. This is my version of how love leaves me, drown and dead. But then you have to die to be reincarnated to live/love again.

I am not sorry……………..

These last few weeks have been another rolla-coaster. I have started uni and college back up, i have had a relationship break down due to infidelity (his not mine, as usual) and I have enjoyed some of the best days of my life in his absence. It is funny how these break ups work, as before i had a ache when we broke up, A void i desperately tried to fill, with coffee, activities, reading and outings, alongside obviously my poetry and my photography. Now, there is no ache. The ache became so strong because i was so weak. He had the power, he made me feel unworthy, and unequal, so i took the power back and stopped loving him. I did, and it worked. I seen him for who he was, and i realised that he never made me happy, or feel safe or secure. He did nothing positive for me, but i loved him anyway. Thats the cruel thing about love, sometimes you have to be hurt to the point of being dead, before you can be resurrected. When you know, hey this isn’t my fault, your whole world changes, your self worth changes and you perspective changes.

See it is them we always think have to change, they have to stop cheating, they have to stop lying, they have to stop being so selfish. This is absurd because it isnt them that has to change it is you, you have to change. Its you that has to not want to be treated like this anymore and stop allowing them to treat you like this, only them will your life, your heart and soul heal.

This image is a very simple image, and thats what i wanted it to be, because of the simplicity of life, and freedom, and what living is. You can have a simple life if you choose or you can complicate your life. I chose to finally give myself some much needed simplicity and it is the most valuable and beautiful thing i have done for myself. This shoot was the best day of my year, i spent it with my friend and daughter. We swan we laughed we shot, and we ate, and we relaxed. I was free of anxiety, of stress, my mind for once was completely focused on the day i was in the day mentally and emotionally as well as physically. I wasn’t thinking, ‘what is he doing’ i wasn’t looking at my phone, i was fearing what he was up to or who he was speaking to. I was just living for me, and it felt amazing. I know how hard a break up can be i know how hard it is some days to even get out of bed, or even make it through a hour without crying. I understand the sense of loss and the sense of loneliness i do. I have been through it all, never thinking you will ever smile or feel normal again, or even happy. But it happens, i promise, i really do, the moment you start concentrating on you.

Then the inevitable comes, the message from him, the apology, the realisation of what he has done. But I am not sorry, I am not sorry he done what he done, he done me a favour, he killed the last bit of me. And i thank him for that because from my death i was reborn.  And sorry means nothing when its done again and again, he was only sorry he got caught again. I am sorry i stayed too long I am sorry i made so many excuses for him, I am sorry i wasn’t better to myself, and loved myself more to walk away sooner. Don’t relieve my mistakes, know your self worth and never let anyone devalue you…….

Two lost souls ….swimming in a fish Bowl….

This image is inspired by the pink Floyd lyrics…… ‘Two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl’ I always seem to picture this regarding a relationship. With a lover of course. Just two souls walking the earth who end up in the same world, sharing a life. Sharing laughs, and fun times, sharing secrets under the blanket of a starry night. All those beautiful words confessed in-between bed sheets, the ‘I love you’ that filled you with comfort now come to fill you with a sting, every time you recall the voice they belong to. A sad truth. A bittersweet truth. I don’t understand how people can say things that they don’t feel, they do not mean, make promises they do not keep or have any intention of keeping. The way lies can be a first language for one person, and the other person still speaks in the truth. Then a end comes crashing into the bowl, as the soul you thought you knew, just turned out to be a snake coiling, and suffocating the beautiful and innocent out of you. A cowardly snake who wont end you with venom, but with suffocating lies. Then his eyes turn to splits and he hisses that the pain you are in, is because you resist to believe what deceit he tries to feed you.

Im sorry ……..I do not like your soul anymore, I do not know why I ever did. You didn’t have to ruin my soul, you just had to let me go. You didn’t have to make me ill, just because you were sick. No excuses I am ever giving you, hurting me like you do is just another sick part of you. I don’t know why you do the things you do, I do not know why i stayed, but as of today, those two lost little souls in that fishbowl, have become one lost little soul. You. I have been set free as you never could stay faithful to me, so find another lost little soul, but not in the same sea I roam.

Its calling……. the truth… just for you….

Theres a certain hold people have over you, for different reasons where you want acceptance, acknowledgement or love. Whatever it may be, its a hold. For a long time someone has had a hold over me, and now its completely gone. They had a hold over me for how low they made me feel, for how powerful and sly they needed to be, and how sleazy they were. Multiple girls had been victim to this guy, he likes the power, the power to get them to expose their bodies, its a sick ego thing. Its a disrespectful thing, to both himself and whatever girls he uses. The girls i feel a bit sorry for as they buy into him wanting them or desiring them, but really its quite sad, because he really do. He needs to have self validation from these weak girls, to make himself feel some what whole. He needs constant attention like a child, any anyone will do.  I have witnessed this first hand being his partner for two and a half years, first it was his ex, who he was cheating on me with, alongside multiple other girls. Sext texting having explicit pictures sent to him, and sending them also. Flirting and being a general sleaze, i look now and i am repulsed. Seriously i feel sick i ever loved a person like this. But when i found out i was devastated, thinking there was something wrong with me, I was hurt and i was angry but most of all i questioned myself. Although he also put so much of the blame on me, and made me think i was paranoid, i was insecure, well when you constantly flirt and expose yourself and get girls to expose themselves to you, that kind of makes any person cautious and insecure. But this human claims to have a soul, A soul is something you treasure, as much as who you give your body too. See the utterly sad thing is i was insecure and i was manipulated and i was used, essentially. Anxiety and questions bubbled inside, and he would always lie, however he was so bad at it. But he couldn’t help himself, he is a disgusting person. He would lie and say he wasn’t doing anything when a look through his phone, would say otherwise. He got worse however when he started working away as he was able to lead a double life again. Its amazing how none of his exes say anything nice about him, i wonder why. No, no, I know why. The last one got a lucky escape, however I admire the fact she fucked him over beautifully too. He would say that he only done what he done because of what she was doing, but he still done it when he had a loyal girl by his side. SO truth is he will excuse himself every time, a compulsive liar and delusional sleaze.

The one thing i know, Is that as i write this happy he is now no longer a part of my life, and now i actually see him for the repulsive, vile person he is… not what he pretends to be. I know that he’s probably having sex conversation, a sleazy video skype chat, or audio (as he’s knocked it up and even more sleazier level, that even i didn’t think was possible.) I am sat here with complete peace of mind. That i have finally done the right thing. I have finally left, and would never ever, ever go back. Why would anyone go back to a manipulative, compulsive liar and cheat, who had no self respect, or respect for the person he claimed to love. What type of person is that? Is that even human? I have peace of mind that i am healing my soul and heat and mind, by actually taking time out to love myself and respect myself again. He is probably, no, he is doing what he always does, trawling facebook (thats his fav) or some pathetic dating website, looking for easy girls. He normally goes for the chubby ones or the ones that aren’t that pretty or smart. Thats not me being nasty, its me being truthful, because they are just as grateful for the attention as he is really. He wants the ego trip of power, and a wank, some free sleazy interactive porn and a girl to give him attention. And the girl who is insecure wants to think that it will probably lead to something more. Its sad to think he doesn’t even care for these girls, but then he didn’t care for me so not surprising.

Whatever he is, he is not respectable, decent, or worthy of a good clean and kind hearted partner. And he will never get one, as he knows who he is, and deep down he knows he isn’t worthy. But he will delusional tell you different, he’s amazing in his opinion. And has a soul, LMAO, clearly he’s mistaking his shadow for a soul. Best part is he is the majority of alot of boys of this generation. I would call myself a victim, but i’am not as I walked away. Well you kind of have too, when he’s asleep in your bed messaging other girls he’s been sleazy and skyping with, and then says he refuses to stop talking to them. But I am suppose to be ok with that? yeah? because any normal person would be? SO i said ‘Fine i’m done” He walked out and then he said to me, “hey for what its worth i didn’t mean for it to end this way x”  what way is that me finding out you were a lying cheating cunt again. Yeah me neither….. i ignored the text and changed my number immediately.  And i remember him saying to me if ‘I’ ever slag him off on social media he never ever will speak to me again. HAHAHAHAHAHA (he hates people think bad of him, because then they cant eat his side of the story as well as they could, i mean his lies) So for whatever it is worth i hope he is reading this, as i have every reason to tell the truth!!! I started a relationship back in 2013 with a fucked up guy who dragged me into his games with his ex of cheating and lying, and i found out, he begged me to take him back i did. I found out about other girls and i stayed. Every time he went back to her or deceived me i fucked him off, i even started seeing someone else. But he was a great stalker, the best actually. But with his temper he ended up having a little holiday. When he come out I got back with him, (stupidly) Now through all this with his lies for two years, he wonders why i do not trust him, that i accused him of things when he wasnt doing anything. Nope my darling when i did accuse you, i knew you were, you just didnt know i knew. Idiot. I knew more than he thought i did so he would still lie, thinking i didnt know. Literally a coward of any form of truth. And then in five months he thinks he can repair the damage he done in two years. I told you he was delusional. Anyway more to the point of this, Yes I ruined his life, and yes he ended up in prison because i put him there. I ruined his life as he kept coming into mine begging pleading even pretending to overdose once. And then he would fuck me over or around, and when i lashed back he didn’t like it. He can give it out but he cant take it. Coward. SO yes i happily put him in prison his temper was disgusting, his attitude stunk he though he was invincible, and more to the point he was a lying manipulative fucker who was hurting, using, and abusing people emotionally and mentally. And he knew the consequences he fuck me over i do it to him, i think if you ask him about the arrest he will even tell you he’s lost count of the times he got arrested. Which basically gives you a idea of the amount of times he fucked me over. So yes i admit i ruined his life a few times, i admit i dont trust the cunt and i also admit i stayed too long and gave him more charity than he deserved. I also admit that i wouldn’t of started the games if he had not dragged me in, I wouldn’t of lashed out if i weren’t hurt, or angry. So before he reads to the bottom of this which i am hoping he will….. push as much blame as you can on me, as much as you can as i know it must be vile to live, being you. So if it helps you slander me, But don’t lie, as I haven’t once on here. And you have no idea of the things i can produce to back up those little things you claim to know so well, FACTS. LMAO. So yeah after all you put me through, no im not playing the victim at all, What i am doing is giving my side before you brand me a stalker, or a girl you once when on a date with, LMAO! I am outing you on public media for the person you are, and what you do, and how pathetically sleazy and disgusting you are. And if your threat of never speaking to me again was soemthing you meant, then i win. As i never ever want to speak to a sleazy, cheating, lying, manipulative issue riddled, delusional, CUNT like you again. So make sure you keep to your word, and do me a favour test me, and i will ensure I actually name you, and i have enough screenshots of your sleazy ways, to any girl, woman, mother, or sister or whatever i feel like. So contemplate the whole two graves thing darling, as my mother always said to me.

Never hit someone first, ever, but if they hit you, make sure you hit them back and leave a fucking mark. So they learn they get back what they give out and will think twice. You however didnt learn your lesson from the past clearly, as you are still behaving like a sleazy coward. So …………………. You took the first hit all the time, and you done it again… you never learn, pathetic creep. Now I am free and I anit even bitter, i just pity you and the skets of girls you abuse really, and manipulate. I bet your mum would be proud of the BASTARD she raised. Now fuck off with your selfish needy sexual issues and grow the fuck up. Or jack up. As I have completely let you go….. I never ever want to even see you face or heard your name again.

And this photo is me releasing all the shit, all the insecurities and the complex and bullshit you gave me, before you killed me yet again, you are person who sucks the good out of someone and leaves them with nothing but bad…..killing their hearts and souls slowly, just because you dont have any of your own