My fear, My love, My weeping soul.

I always imagine the mind, heart and soul as separate entities. My biggest fear are clowns, i have had a phobia of them since childhood. So as a child i was scared of clowns, something most children considered to be friendly and safe. Something that brings laughter and fun into your world. Now I’ am a adult and I am scared of love, I think i have developed a phobia of love. Something most people think is beautiful and life enhancing is something that now terrifies me. So much so My soul quivers at the thought of such, and my heart wants to claw its way out of my throat and chuck itself under a train. Its a less painful and slow death, that it being destroyed by that thing called ‘love’.

I do not believe there is any reason for someone to lie or be deceitful, yet i base that on my own principles and morals. So to expect that from others, well i’m set up for disappointment really. Photography is a massive outlet for me, from ideas, emotions, and poems. I have a emotion burning inside me, one that cutting my arms will not release or calm. So i turn to my camera, and from the viewfinder I see my backdrop, and i smile. I set up my equipment, lock my focus and loose myself in my poses. Running back to t the camera after ten clicks, seeing if ‘the’ pose i want has been captured. Once it has, i move onto the next. The extra shots of angles, and additional characters. Then I pack up trudge to my car to come home to normality. Where i lock myself in my bedroom and i decide to loose myself again in my world and emotions by creating in lightroom/photoshop what only i can see in my imagination. Then I finish it….. and i display it for the world to see, judge and criticise. I suppose its another form of self harm….

Facebook posts and reach is really annoying me at the moment. It will say 600 people have seen the post and it will only be liked by 15 people. Now thats not too bad, but when I have over sixthousand genuine likes on my page from stream generated from magazines linking to my page and from other websites linking to my page it has frustrated me ALOT! i watched a video that said about how it is about timing, and about the new ‘ see first’ button. It annoys me why does it all have to be so complicated. Why cant the people who like you page see your stuff because they liked it in the first place just because i post at random times it does not mean they should not see it or at least get the chance to see it.

Facebook sucks arse……..Fuck  you SUCKERBERG!!


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