Cobwebs…….

So my favourite month has pasted, October. While the leaves lay wet on the ground, my mood lays curled in them. I do not know what it is, but the thought of winter really really depresses me. I love October as the colours the beauty, it seems as if that particular season is celebrating a summer past, paying homage, in some way. Its the last season of beauty and warmth, before the Ice, bitter evil cold, and darkness descends. I have decided that i need to keep myself enthused in these months and inspired, and the only way to do so, is with my photography. I have been lucky enough to be invited to Rosie Hardy’s work shop in November. I look at Rosie’s work and I look at my own, and they couldnt be more different. Mine is dark art, Gothic, thought provoking, a truth in the fabricated ‘perfect’ world. Ans Rosie’s has colours and light, inspiration and fantasy, uplifting and positive. Not that mine is negative or depressing, just more of my dark thoughts, and feelings. I suppose the difference with mine and Rosie’s is mine is inspired by my mind, my mental health disorder and my view and thoughts because of this. I have however decided I am going to try, i use the word ‘try’ to conjure more ‘light’ and ‘fantasy’ images. More………. easy to look at for a lot of people. Not because I want more people to look or follow my work, but for me to explore the other side of my mental health disorder as fully as i explore and create from the dark side of it.  This will be my biggest challenge, ever. I do not look at images from most photographer like Rosie/Brooke shaden and be inspired to create something similar, I look and see what i would of done different in that image, and it turns into a completely different theme and genre to the original. I look at myself in the mirror, and I am a pretty girl, but I never enhance that, I always demean it. I look and see how can i make myself look ugly, and reflect how i feel right now. I function on emotions, my mental health disorder is now just a part of me as is the medication. Instead of running from my thoughts and thinking ‘there’s something wrong with me’ I actually embrace the thoughts and acknowledge, ‘this is me’. And After a seven year battle with myself/disorder i have finally come to accept its staying, so i just have to get use to it.

This mental health disorder may not be a blessing, but neither is it a curse. My medication does not make someone like/love me, who i am, my personality does.  The good of me eclipses the bad and everyone you meet who knows me will tell you this. A friend of mine, whose brother i dated a few years back, has recently got in a relationship with someone with bipolar. She asked me for advice, i told her to ask her brother as he has the experience of being in a relationship with someone who did. After she had spoken to her brother, she dropped me a message and said that every good, thoughtful, unique, and adorable thing she thinks of this ‘bipolar guy’ Her brother thought of me. He still has the most respect love and care for me as one of the best people hes ever had the privilege of being able to say he loved. This was a beautiful, thing to hear, and funnily enough its the most common thing my exes and friends say about me. My latest partner always said he would never change me, or take the bipolar away, as he has never met anyone as amazing as me. He loves me and everything the bipolar brings to me. And to be quite honest, after seven years, i have to admit so do I. Learning to love yourself, feel comfy in your own skin, and wear it with pride and confidence is something that turns your life around and your mental state more than surgery, wishing different, or attention and compliments from other. Realizing WHY you are beautiful is more valuable than any handbag, car, house or designer clothes.

So here is my pledge to try to explore the ‘other’ side of my bipolar. The more …uuummm uplifting and fun, the more empathetic, and tender pieces of me.

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