The ASP of Aspirations…

Its currently 5 am and I am a artist so i’m awake and blogging. Tradition. I have recently thought alot lately about my future and the direction of it. Sometimes I think I am in control of my destiny, other times I think its planned. WE have our idealism of our future from a early age. To be a mother, to be a wife, a professional at something and a idea of when this will all take place. I am now at 28 have decided my idealism has changed and probably will continue to change. And thats ok. When I was a naevie 17 year old I thought by 30 i would be married ( almost happened) I would move out of Wales (where I live – And i did for a while) That I would be in my chosen career and have a child. My plan quickly changed when i fell pregnant at 17 I had to cancel my plans to be a nurse as I couldn’t complete the course as i had a bad pregnancy. I cancelled the visa to Australia where I would be studying and my relationship with my mother was not stable. I ended up in a hostel and my priorities changed. The relationship with my daughters father got futile. And after 5 years we parted ways. Although i had passed my driving test moved into a house then another one out of the area i grew up in and left everyone behind including family. This was a massive step for me. I decided to go back and study and achieved three diplomas. This wasn’t easy being a single parent. Her father and I decided he was not a good role model and that it would be in the best interest of my daughter if contact ceased. This was hard for me. As all my idealism’s were now not relevant. The nuclear family was unattainable, but this is only relevant to narrow minded people with no children i have learnt. My youth was spent raising a child and my spare time studying. However finding out a year or so ago that i would not be able to have anymore children. I decided fate played a huge part in my having my daughter so young. A blessing in disguise. And i can honestly say i regret nothing now. Not that stigma that comes with being a single parent or a teenage mum. Because i got something some people cannot have, a beautiful healthy intelligent little girl. And i count my blessings every day and i count her twice as a blessing. She is my biggest motivation and best friend. Children don’t come with a manual, and who says how i am raising her is right or wrong. All i know is for as long as she is happy and healthy i want no more for myself or life than that. However starting a degree to become a teacher/professor has being challenging. I have juggled my degree my daughter a relationship, bipolar and my photography work. When i look at my achievements i can honestly say i am proud. I have had poems turned into lyrics for songs. I have had images on a number of books. And worked on inspiring projects with some of the greatest artists/photographers of the 21st century. I have had poems published in anthologies of books and a book deal offered to me for a manuscript i submitted. However i am holding off on that. I have been published and interviewed for my photography. I have had features in good hard copy magazines and have a nice clientele of Wedding photography over the years. Which continues to grow. I am also a writer for a fairly popular magazine. I always write under a pseudo name. Until i publish my book then it will be under my name. Ambitions and throwing myself into and forcing my photography work has never been something i have done. As to me its always been a hobby a passion. So all the opportunities i have had, have knocked on my door. Which i feel so humble about. I believe fate has a plan and destiny is mildly controlled by the person.  Hence me not forcing or pursuing my work or exhausting myself to turn something i love into my whole world and life. As in my life i want variety and opportunities of many forms. So aspirations change as often as a asp sheds it skin. And that is ok, what is not ok is thinking someone has not got or is not working towards their goal. That is the fruit of the ignorant and egotistical. And thankfully, I am also proud to say I am not that.

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