The Indecision of decisions

I fall short of being comforted by my decisions and the morality of them. When morals and feeling set their feet in the ring to fight to the bitter death, its hardly surprising regret is a scar we all carry. I am a sucker for a romantic love story, I guess its the little girl in me that saw many a disney princess, rescued or sacrificing something of value at a chance of the adventure love can bring. They all ended up happy, the cliche happily ever after. Did that stop existing or did it every exist in the first second of mankind. Is it a false facade to keep humans reproducing… or so are attention was so far distracted from reality that we can be bled to death and not even realise. I experienced the most profound love, once. They say you experience a kind of love once in a lifetime that never leaves you. Maybe he was/is mine. At the regrettable age of 28 (29 in a month to the day) I have experienced different types of love, and i have never loved one partner the same way or have i ever experienced love of the same kind from any partner. A blessing and a curse.

I never were a jealous girlfriend, but I’m a girl with feelings. I neither want to own someone with the power of love, and neither do i want to be enslaved to theirs. For every lover i have crossed paths with I have never found in them what i truly desire from love. Freedom. I believe love sets you free. I believe love is something that is the most dangerous entity in this world. And now love is something that scares me beyond recognition of the benefits that are wrapped in a bow at the start.  I am now maybe a cynic to love of the partner kind. I think of all the things i love about being alive, being a human. The warming sun on a summers day, laying upon my skin like a blanket. I imagine my lover with me on a grassy patch in some country. Any country even here, as long as you are happy, destination could be a cardboard box in a doorway with your lover or a sandy beach in bora bora. To me its not about the beauty of places, its the beauty in the memories i create in the places with the person i could not imagine my soul without. Upon this grassy patch, whether we are making animals or superhero from the sweeping clouds, or napping, we could in silence appreciating each other presence. Or he could be playing with my hair as i rest my head on his lap and he reads aloud to me, or I to him. Whether it be my favourite author or poet or his. It doesn’t matter as its not the words that matter its the way the person reads them with such a ignited excited passion or belief in their beauty it transpires into your ears and mind and snuggles their for a lifetime.

I suppose the coffee and cake in bed on a sunday morning, with crumple sheets screaming how much we loved each other the night before. Maybe its the long silent walks or the tour around a beautiful city on a spur of a moments drive on sunday. I like the little things. I adore the little things. Its not about buying me flowers and asking me to see their beauty its about taking me somewhere even just to your imagination and letting me see the world and its beauty through your passion and your eyes. Its the morning texts when the bed is empty, knowing the first thing i read is your appreciation and beauty in thinking of me when your not just in my bed. I also love the way someone loves me, the way they want a ticket into not just my heart, my bed, but my world, my passion my mind. To gain access to that is something i do not allow for many people or lovers as some i have allowed and lived to regret. I have chosen to ask a man to aid me in my passion to collaborate with me on something i find to be a massive step into my world. My photography, Not because i am wanting a male model or company, but because of the way i want to depict him as a man.

A man is a interesting opposite to a woman. And for every man i have shared even a hours company with i always find something enchanting about them. The way they like to enhance their status in a way to win my affection or attention. When they couldn’t even begin to understand me as the girl i am. I do not care for your car or bank balance your body fat or lack of the physic you have or the looks you have or haven’t been gifted with. I don’t care for what your education level is, or your culture or religion. The thing i care about is your passion or you having one. The way you can entrance me and teach me something that i do not know or hypnotise me with the way you have the need for art in your life. A man who knows who he is and is happy with himself. A man who finds beauty in the working of my mind or the words splattered on my page. I found this man and he intrigues me and to me he is the embodiment of what a man should be. And rather than seeing him in his mortal flesh i have and do see him in one of my images and for that reason i need to create that image. I need to bring this mere mortal into my world of love and pain and art and words and make me believe in both myself and my decisions again.  From this man i need something more than any other man has given me………….. I need him in his mortal form, stripped bare of everything but his soul. As of yet he has no idea as to the image i want to create, as of yet we have barely spoke of it. As of yet I am scared of the image and the significance if i can actually pull it off the way ‘I’ see this man.

My indecision…………..is varied from what flavour coffee to drink to who to reply back to with a message. From who to bother to even message first and what type of start i want to start my novel with. So when my hand sits on my camera i transform into the person no one gets too close too……’Anything you have to say, say it through the camera’ That is my mindset every time i chose to pick up my camera. That lens i stare into a devoid from meeting is my lover, my love, my freedom. Maybe the love for a partner is not real, maybe the only true ‘love’ you ever experience is that which you create, develop and embody with all your belief and passion and emotions into. Not because it pays well but because it is selfishly the only thing you can ever own, control, and will only ever leave you if…… you choose to leave it, or yourself. I can’t be what someone wants me to be, the standards they set, the expectations they have and the obligations thus in turn puts on me. But i can decide to be the one person who does not hurt me, or lie, or deceive myself, i can be the one person i can find comfort and safety in. I can be the person who loves me.

 

I have been in such a vile relationship i am now a tortoise …… I am tucked within my shell. I am safe, I am cosy and I am at such a distance from exposing any part of me I can now truly get to know me. I ‘am sure one day i will get a bit lonely or yearn for some affection or interaction and peer out at the world. But for as long as i have a book and my writing or photography for expression. What else do i need…………………….from anyone. As i have the things that make me happy, and make me, me. Though success is nothing if you have no one to share it with, travel is lovely, but lonely when you have only your eyes and can’t see the beauty through another’s. So maybe one day someone may pick up my shell i hide in, and sit there and wait with patiences love and care……. and maybe one day i will come out and love would of been ‘just waiting right there’ just waiting for me.

The image i have featured in this blog was a failed attempt at the image i wanted to create, but to me it symbolises something else too. But this i will keep a secret.

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