IT would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you…

He called me ‘negative’ – because I do not view marriage as a joyful or positive experience or engagement. I have seen, heard, and come close to experiencing such marriages. And they contain no magic, no determination, no ’till death do us part’ or ‘no matter what’. I suppose that’s why I make the wedding pictures even more magical. So at least they can believe that on the day the sky wasn’t grey, the lingering of ‘am I doing the right thing’ was hanging lower in the air than the brides hem. It’s not that I don’t feel happy for them, I do. I also feel sad, as I know what it’s like to believe in something so much and have it fall apart quicker than a 90s music band. Marriage is not for me. Photographing weddings and making them look magical and special is for me. I don’t believe in marriage, standing in front of a god neither one of you believes in , dedicating your life to someone. As no matter how committed you are and how you will go that extra mile, it doesn’t mean the other person will. What people say and what they do- is a critical character flaw. To commit to one person for the rest of y our life is a selfless thing to do, if you can do it. But a lot can’t. The future you I vision with children a house and anniversary may not happen, as children my not. It is only when you test a person to their absolute end of patiences or faith – can you then truly say ‘I want this person forever’. Everyone can essentially be a pillar of strength or a source of happiness if they get what they need. But what about when their needs are not met. What then? Are they still the person you recognise you fell in love with. The more lovers we love and leave and run and grieve over, the more of a sense of self and character we find,not only in ourselves but in the opposite sex or the partners we choose. The more lovers I go through, the more fault I find in me, what I look for and what I accept and what I demand. How I behave how I expect my partner to behave and what I reflect and bring out of them and what they bring out in me. And unless it’s t he best – they bring out in me, in the good times and the bad times. Then they are simply not the person for me. The more recent the lovers the more I long for the one that got away, the one that done those things, but also brought out the absolute worse in me.

 
I don’t know when love got so complicated. I thought the notions and rules were the same. The principals and values the most important –
Honesty/communication
Loyalty/faithful
Support/respect
Fun/happiness

The more days I survive the less I find honesty and communication a vital foundation to which people build upon. The art of conversation is flaying before us and dying in the mist of Facebook. Honesty is something that has to be caught, as lying has become a dominant part of our everyday lives. From shutting up about your co worker. To pretending everything is fine. Lying is more available that coffee.

Loyalty and being faithful is something I struggle to see what it is taken more seriously. With the instant access of millions of people around the world, social media takes the self discipline and either makes a relationship crumble. That’s is what I have experienced from one of my relationships. Apparently it’s not cheating if explicit pictures and sexual conversations take place over a social media platform. It only counts if you do it personally. I do not understand this mentality and it to me seems like a weak persons excuse.

To be loyal to someone is a beautiful thing, it’s like nurturing a flower. You get to see the tones of the greens, the hues of the petals, the way the breeze can dance with its shape. The map of its flaws and scars…. This flower is yours, and if you are faithful and this flower blooms so beautifully how can you not see you have the most beautiful flower.  If you treat something special and invest time, and demonstrates  it is worthy of your care, your time how can it not repay you with magic. The magic of being able to make you smile on the gloomiest of days. To be able to gaze in awe at the beauty and the delicate life that it is… To touch and pluck this flower to show this flower to everyone. You are proud that this flower belongs to you. This can be the most imperfect thing in the world, this flower you have tended too. But it’s yours and to you nothing else compares to it’s beauty it’s smell it’s light. Or it can turn to the ugliest and limpest and neglected flower that anyone including you has seen. How you treat a living thing has consequences.

The support and respect. If you cannot argue without resorting to insult. Then you should not only walk away from the person, but you should also go and apologise to your mother as you have let her down as a woman and as the person who believed in you nurtured you and essentially done her best for you. Respect is something you need to have, but more importantly you need to be able to have it for yourself to even be able to comprehend what weight it holds to have it for someone else. And how valued it is, how rare and how it stirs up confidence and a better quality of life.
The you can support someone or even yourself, even though you may not agree with the cause, you can at least support someone through or even yourself. And therefore understand a character and side to yourself you would of otherwise not of known of or discovered.

Fun and happiness, I could of spent all day arguing with one of my partners as I found so much wrong in what he thought and done. But the fact was that when we had fun, it was simply bigger than any argument. It was happier than the weight of any of our anger or our issues. And it was the one thing when I was angry, when I was upset, when I was hurt I could look back on and feel some comfort that it wasn’t all bad. Even though my/our happiness was a short lived experience or even a illusion as to what was really going on. It at the time gave me a break from life. From being me, from responsibilities.

I understand I cycle. My moods go from elated to depressed and negative. I have bipolar and that happens. If you shall be in my life you shall see these cycles. It is your personal character that can accept this is the way I am, or you can walk away from me. What you cannot do it punish me for being this way. The way I am.
I have triggers to have my mood cycle. One of them triggers is not feeling safe or secure or ‘stable’. What I will do is ask for reassurance or look for stability. It is your character and your preference to either push me away and watch me cycle or to pull me close and hold my hand on the rollacoaster. If you were scared of sky diving the thoughts before it happens would be coming faster than the latitude in which the plane was scaling. The thoughts of the past the present the future, the morning and the friends and family and jobs and hobbies and everything you have ever touched or thought of ……in them minutes will come machine gunning through their mind. With no organisation, no relevance to the situation. But they will come, every repressed memory will suddenly like a creeping vine break through and strangle you senseless. So when you look in your partners eyes, whether it be the person you are sky diving with, for some sense of ‘it’ll be ok’ or the partner who is your boyfriend and you need reassurance that you both are OK as you are having a wobble and your bipolar is kicking your Arse but instead of reacting. You are counteracting what could be a nightmare for you, by simply asking another human to hold your hand and squeeze it. So that they won’t let you fall to far.

I am bipolar and sometimes I don’t even understand, why I feel or think the things I do. I don’t understand why I am like this. I can’t even make sense of what I feel. But one thing I do know it that me, and every other human being should never be punished for something they are trying to control. As long as you ‘try’ then you should never feel any less of a person or worthless. You should never have to bow or obey someone so they stay. You can compromise, but not to the point where you could cry at the way they are making you feel as if being you, is a inconvenience to them. If they show they don’t care, do one better and stop Caring about what they think. You answer to no one. You live for you, for the moment, for the pleasure and only when you want a forever should you stand in front of a mirror and ask yourself if the other person accept you in all the ways you have learnt, struggled and willed yourself to love you. Nothing comes easy. If it did, everyone would have who and what they wanted. But they don’t. You only find out how much you love, you care, you want and you need a person by the lengths and breaths you go, to see them happy to wake up next to them, to talk to them, to call them yours. You only find out how much you love, you care, you want and you need a person by the lengths and breaths you go, to see them happy to wake up next to them, to talk to them, to call them yours, to touch and see parts of them forbidden to everyone else. That’s the reward and beauty of love. It is also then that you can say it was a privilege to have my heart broken by that person. Sex …. Sex is everywhere, sex is easy. Love is the thing worth searching for….the saying is ‘brace for the worst, hope for the best’ it doesn’t make me negative it makes me aware, and real to the world.

 

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