To Love…..

I often think that love is the most powerful entity on the planet. It makes jealous lovers kill, mothers die to protect their children. But also to feel loved is just as important. I had a harsh reality check today. A friend of mine has passed away, she was loved by so many, adored by her husband and four beautiful children. She was the most beautiful person anyone could hope to meet and one of the kindest. She struggled alot with loving herself, I remember me and her joined the gym and went, I went for moral support but i never let her know that. I watched her work hard, and admired her determination and effort. I was proud of her. I was there with a bottle of wine and a ready ear when her first marriage failed to the father of two of her children. I admired her so much for her ability to laugh in the hardest of situations. I stared at her and wondered why she never thought she was enough when i couldn’t think of one man who could ever deserve such a beautiful person as her. Even when i moved away social media kept us in touch. I was so happy for her when she married her childhood sweetheart, and almost in disbelief at how much she could love. In the face of her children, she always done what was right for them. She loved them and more importantly she showed how much she loved them. The fact that she decided to take her own life has completely broke my heart. Everyone loved her but she struggled to love herself. Depression has that effect on you. I know she struggled with this as we use to speak about it over coffee while our daughters played. There this thing that happens when depression grips you, it causes a pain, a tormenting pain that no amount of words or actions can soothe.

 

 

We all sat with our families this Christmas and we all thought of our future and the coming year. It completely destroys my soul to know that this year was the last year she would spend with her family. How the only thing that will be heard tonight are the howls from her childrens bedrooms, while the father’s heart breaks at the loss of his high school sweetheart and the hole she has left in these children’s lives. The despair her mother feels and the ache her nan will hold. Sometimes its the brightest people in the room that hold the darkest depression and thoughts. I just hope with all my heart that she is at peace and can watch over her family with the joy in the afterlife she never found in this life.

 

To love someone is a beautiful gift to give them, for them to love you back is a wonderous feeling. But to love yourself enough to know you are worth so much and loved so dear is the fundamental thing we should promote. Not dress sizes and likes. Not money and clothes. Self love and acceptance. Accept your flaws, let them empower you, promote them and let them encourage someone else to love themselves and their flaws. No one is perfect and should no one want to be, as the road to perfection is the pathway to a life of unhappiness and disappointment. I wish I had tried harder to convince her I wish i done more. I wish she were still here ………… but she is not. But others are, so dont fail them…. look for self love and help others believe in it…. smile at strangers and for fuck sake dont ever body shame or ever put anyone down, as you do not know what they battle with, or they struggle with daily, and have done for years.

 

 

 

 

Enough?

The most compelling argument I encounter with myself is wrapped around ‘enough’ Such questions as “Am I enough” or “Did do enough” and “when is enough, really enough”. These are arguments we all have with ourselves only sometimes we pose them in different ways. Positive negatives usually, “Did I do too much” or “Did I overdo it”. Either way, the questioning of ourselves never stops, it may recede but it will never prevail. Therefore should one obsessed over these such questions… inevitably we all do as we are slaves to the ‘precautions’ or ‘consequences’ that comes with interacting, performing and essentially every action we extend beyond ourself. The feeling of self-worth drives these questions into a long division of possible and certain answers, but with only one definite outcome; lack of self-belief and confidence.

I am blessed to have such a solid group of people admire and relate to my photography, I am privileged to call some people across the other side of the ocean a friend. I also am fortunate enough to have anyone who knows me, adore me and my outlook. I have used a medium on which to project my vision, my perspective and my feelings. This leaves me extremely vulnerable, it also empowers me too. There is a balance to everything. Too much sweet can rot your teeth, to much brushing can damage your gums. There is the balance, and it is in the process of learning and understanding a balance that we can not question what is enough or what is not enough. Balance is the most fundamental law of gravity, therefore the sky never has to question the coverage and the sea never have to question its depth. They both stay, equally where they are and exist in a balance.

If you have bipolar you very rarely find a balance. This is now my ultimate goal, to try, and find a balance. I haven’t posted or created many photos, but I have researched and bought props and I have been inspiring and filled a notepad with ideas for shoots and projects. Therefore my balance of not actually shooting has created a different form of balance in the theory not the practical. So for 2017 my aim is to find balance in many forms.