Today …

Today becomes a day I will remember for a number of reasons. Today will be the day I thank myself for in a few weeks and in a few years. My attachment to someone has disappeared and my attitude is positive. This can only mean one thing, it’s time to move on. He set me free and now I am leaving my cage and seeing the width of my wings and their strength. Yesterday I had a message from a surprising person, and I am glad a heart to heart prevailed. Today I had the best surprise ever …I cried with emotion, to feel special, to feel appreciated and cared for is all I ever want. And today I will be going out and indulging with good food and good company, and be reminding myself that I don’t deserve to be called hateful names by a immature boy. That I do deserve to be considered and understood, and that I deserve to be happy. I am excited and I am nervous, but most of all I am glad things happened the way they have. I could sit and ponder all the girls and nasty sleazy photos that are being exchanged between my ex and others, or the sleazy nature of distraction in which he loves. I could care about how much I will miss him. But I don’t, why should I care for someone who has shown me they don’t countless times. I hope his distractions, his sleazy sexual encounters are satisfying….. as I am building myself up, I am not trying to escape I’m just absorbing and enjoying his mistake.

 

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Emancipation 

I fought to save a man, for two years I tried to save him. I almost killed myself in the process. Through his lies and infidelities, through his homelessness and his jobless state. I loved a man and tried to save him …. through his angry outbursts and notchalant ways, I still tried to save and fix him. Then I left, as I was killing my self trying to save someone who didn’t give a shit about me. He’d say I didn’t do this right, I didn’t show him this, and so I would improve and strive. And right up until a few weeks ago he still said it was my fault, I didn’t listen, I over reacted. But this was the only thing he could say and blame. It’s funny as he promised to save me in the same way I saved him. Yet me putting up a tweet, saying I had a shitty day, was the last straw for him. While he whiled away his hours in a place that sunk its teeth into me and released nothing but paranoid venom. Yet I am wrong. Fine. I’ll be wrong, that’s ok, I’ll take that. At least I can be happy in a relationship, in a way he never will be and never have been.  I have never been more sure in my life that even though people split because they cheat, they want different things, they are sly or they are not in love anymore. To split up with someone over something so pathetic shows a lack of commitment, love and understanding. Shame I didn’t treat him like that, when I should of when I had many more reasons too. Maybe I should of when he was cheating, lying, or being aggressive and angry and impossible and careless. Maybe the lesson I learn is not to try and save someone who wouldn’t spend the same time and efforts in saving you back. Words drip from lips, actions carry more weight. I know this time that whomever I meet I will never leave them again to try and restore what I had with this guy. I have done that twice and it has got me no where. I asked a man what mistakes he made with relationships, and he said in his twenties he never found anyone who he thought he could be with on a daily basis for the rest of his life. He said I never found my best friend until I was in my forties. I smiled, I had found my best friend whose company I never tired of… and I found someone who I truly believed thought the same. It’s a shame, as now I have no relationship or best friend. But I know that having a best friend in a relationship is something I want again, only with someone who is not to immature to realise how precious that actually is. And I know the next man will never speak to me and call me names like I let this one do, partly because the other two men I dated and everyone before that never have, as they respected me. I am a respectable girl. I am talented in many ways. I am kind and thoughtful and sweet. I am fun and funny and always supportive. I am almost the perfect girl. And every guy can see that, every guy who knows what they want in a partner. Who knows what they want in life, men who know how to value themselves and others. This man was deeply unhappy, restless and damaged. And no amount of love or support can save someone who does not want to, or care to be saved. Or to appreciate what they had, is what every other guy dreams to have. No one ever realises what they have until it’s gone. The reason he wants to travel is not to see the world but to find a place he belongs, what he does not realise is anyone can live anywhere where you belong is where you are loved and valued and wanted and needed. He doesn’t work for money he works as without it what has he got? What purpose does he serve?  A family a home and love gives you purpose, but he’s too young to see, and to ignorant to listen. And I refuse spending any more time trying to save someone educated and enable someone to have everything they don’t appreciate or value. I will miss things, but I can build things with someone else and know they will won’t take me for granted. I have decided that I will give up social media, and lead a more secret life while I’m treading things out. While I am meeting new people and getting to know them. And this is the time whereby I can create a world where I can be safe with someone else……. and with myself. So goodbye social media, goodbye my ex, have fun and take care and I hope you find a place you belong. And if you don’t I hope you realise it was what I said all along and understand what you had, and maybe appreciate what you had and who loved you and saved you, and that no one else would do that or what i have for him. Maybe one day I will get a message saying “thanks for being you” but I won’t hold my breath. 

Know when 

Know when you are doing stuff that is hurting someone. Know that just because they hurt you, you don’t have to hurt them back. If they make you feel worthless and insignificant to them, know that is a reflection of them, not your worth. Hurt people, hurt people. Change the cycle, break the cycle. If you feel as bad as they want you to feel, then they win. They have control over you, until you realise otherwise. Not everyone who comes into your life stays. Not everyone should. If you are made to feel meaningless what are you loosing? You’ll loose the feeling of feeling worthlessness. Everyone can have sex, sex and sexual encounters, they are like ready meals on social media. But love, respect and support is rare. It’s a flawless diamond, it is beautiful and valuable, priceless to a extent. Spending time with someone you enjoy just being around is hard to find and something that’s worth cherishing. I have had bad relationships, but I have good memories. Funny stories and experiences I wouldn’t of had otherwise. You do have to have the bad to appreciate the good, but what you need to be able to do is appreciate the person. Know whether they are the person you can rely on depend on, that if you two were to go to war that you’d choose each other willingly to be a team. To fight together till the bitter end, not fight each other till the bitter end. I have had lovers, and partners, and best friends in the form of my relationships. But what I have never had is one that is all three …. because that one that is all three of them things is the one not only would I keep on my team and die to protect and know they would do the same for me. But that in reality that is the person I can marry. Marriage is a sanctuary of vows that are not important to declare before loved ones or a god. But to declare in your soul that you both pledge your heart and soul your mortality and time, your love and efforts to no others, that you invest in each other time. Which is more precious than any money, time we can’t value, as lost time is more regrettable than wasted money. The only thing I will take from anyone is respect and support the only thing I will demand is understanding and respect. I want respect, not just love. As respect encompasses so much, honesty, trust and unyielding support. Marriage to me is finding someone that you don’t say “I do” it says “no matter what”, no matter what you do I will support you, no matter what you decide I will agree with you. No matter how low you feel I will be there for you, it’s no matter what. Not, until I feel differently. 

It is not my fight…

2017, and its fallen away at its seems, but its not my fight. I decided to call a day on something only seven days into the new year. Why? good question, because things went back to how they were. My now, ex-partner had to work back up surrey, now this is not a bad thing as it is just a place? Yes but it’s a place where 2016 was fraught with lies and games, he became I man I despised, a person I did not want in my life. So I left him. And I knew then I done the right thing. And I know I have done the right thing again. Only this time, I can’t possibly go back. His anger and vile tongue which lashes you with names and hatred through gritted teeth. His inability to listen to reason or compromise. I didn’t change, he did. And that’s ok, It was and is a good test for me, as I knew if this person, the person I left last year as he couldn’t be trusted or spoken too returned that I could leave, and not regret my decision, even a percentage. He decided to cause an argument over a tweet, where I spoke in the third person, as I and most of the people in the world do, himself included. It was funny, because he choose to argue over this, as it made him ‘paranoid’ the tweet was “Going to bed as you’re in a funky ass mood, that makes things just seem worse” this included the hashtag Thursday, and the previous tweet read ” Fuck off today – you weren’t all that” – now I am a pretty logical person so if a person has described that the day sucked and within seconds posted about being in a funky arse mood and going to bed, I wouldn’t be paranoid over that. I would be paranoid, however, if someone who has a massive history of lying, being sly, kissing and fucking other girls and sexually picture messaging them, when to a place, where all this happened. Not to mention he normally fucks around with his clientele (girls he works on) – so yeah, ummmmmm and when this all occurs he becomes nasty, aggressive and argumentative and paranoid. As of course, if someone is fucking around, they normally are paranoid about what the other person is doing.

I find great comfort in the fact that I put a tweet up after saying how much my day sucked, and he THOUGHT, he went off his own little paranoid assumption, that it could of be aimed at another guy. No, no don’t laugh, not yet…….. it gets better because then he unfollows me and calls me a fucking monkey on social media because he wouldn’t listen to reason. Even though the night I put the tweet up, I told him I was tired. I didn’t want to go into a long ass conversation about how shitty my day was. But …….when I phone him to explain and he is instantly aggressive and unreachable I called it a day between us, as that night he was having food over his ‘friends’  and had no time to speak to me or sort it out. He told me I quote “Just go to sleep” after giving me grief about this tweet since the morning I woke up. So yeah, I am paranoid because he is back in a place where he dry humps, and fucks girls, kisses and explicit messages them and has a little whore base-up there….. but I am mental for that. I am fucking mental for that!! – Now you can laugh because he is not for the tweet. Even though the complete moron spent the whole Christmas living with me, knowing I do not talk or message any other guy. But when he lives for slags Ville where he has a lot of dirty history, I am not allowed to be insecure, or paranoid. Massively different set of ideas there right?

The thing is for as long as he is up there ….. and we are not in contact or together with the less I want to see or speak to him. The less I will be waiting around, or maybe thinking we could sort this out. Why?

because he does things and then lies about them. Then when we do get back together and I find out….. It’s sickening, that I didn’t even deserve the truth. So I will not be sat here being paranoid or insecure, I will be moving on with my life and not mourning the death of a relationship whereby my so called partner does not understand, respect, logic compromise or that being a hypocrite is not what I want in a partner. See when I left him last year because of his sleazy and lying and cheating ways I met another guy and started a relationship, and I was gifted with no paranoia, no cheating or aggressively nasty name calling insulting or degrading behaviour. So that tells me that it’s not normal to talk to someone like that…. treat them like that and make them feel so shit about themselves. I thought having another relationship with someone would actually make my ex-partner realise what he lost. It did, and up until about three weeks ago, we both agreed that me being with someone else gave him the kick up the arse he needed to sort himself out and man up.  He did, but then back in surrey, he  has turned back into the boy that repulses me. So it is not with a heavy heart I say goodbye to him. It is with a proud attitude I walk away, as I didn’t change or go back to a place that made him feel insecure because of all the girls, lies and fucking round. I simply put up a tweet saying I had a shit day, and that I was going to bed and that being in bed just made it seem worse. Funny thing is I would prefer a tweet, that would cause me a bit of concern opposed to someone physically going back to a place that instils such fear and negative feelings and thoughts to someone else. But, hey that’s just ‘mental me’ –

Thing is I won’t be crawling back to a man who calls me mental as he cannot comprehend the double standards the hypocrisy and empathise and understand the vast difference in HIM getting paranoid over a tweet because of HIS assumptions, and me not performing or going mad or crazy or as he loves to call me ‘mental’ because he went back to a place he fucked other girls and messaged and dated and dry humped a load and was sexual with  others. Maybe one day when he’s not blinded by his ignorance and selfish ways he will see this. But I won’t hold my breath. As he only realises when its too late….. only this time it really will be too late and he will have no one to blame but his attitude, his behaviour his aggressive ways.

 

So it’s 2017 and I have already upheld one of my resolutions I vowed to myself last year I would do, ‘If he dared to treat me like he did before, with a ring on my finger or not, I would leave him and walk, as I know what I deserve and want and if he cannot or won’t do it, then he is not a good contribution to my life my heart or head.

 

So it’s not my fight to fight, it’s not my fight to win. It’s my decision to walk away and in doing so I have gained more appreciation for myself and less for him. I have gained a sense of calm and a determination to not return or live out the next year like I lived last year. It’s not my fight as I refuse to fight someone so angry, immature and selfish. I rather take my fighting ‘time’ and invest it in me. I have already done two things I have booked a holiday to Mexico for me and my daughter and I have booked Cornwall for me and my daughter because family is what you invest in, as its the only thing that gives such support and love anytime it is required and even when it’s not. I am not looking for a man, to build a house with, or a boy to have a laugh with. I am looking for someone who knows and understand and holds the same principals for a family as I. Money comes and goes, friends change, but family cares and is there no matter what….. no matter who.