Emancipation 

I fought to save a man, for two years I tried to save him. I almost killed myself in the process. Through his lies and infidelities, through his homelessness and his jobless state. I loved a man and tried to save him …. through his angry outbursts and notchalant ways, I still tried to save and fix him. Then I left, as I was killing my self trying to save someone who didn’t give a shit about me. He’d say I didn’t do this right, I didn’t show him this, and so I would improve and strive. And right up until a few weeks ago he still said it was my fault, I didn’t listen, I over reacted. But this was the only thing he could say and blame. It’s funny as he promised to save me in the same way I saved him. Yet me putting up a tweet, saying I had a shitty day, was the last straw for him. While he whiled away his hours in a place that sunk its teeth into me and released nothing but paranoid venom. Yet I am wrong. Fine. I’ll be wrong, that’s ok, I’ll take that. At least I can be happy in a relationship, in a way he never will be and never have been.  I have never been more sure in my life that even though people split because they cheat, they want different things, they are sly or they are not in love anymore. To split up with someone over something so pathetic shows a lack of commitment, love and understanding. Shame I didn’t treat him like that, when I should of when I had many more reasons too. Maybe I should of when he was cheating, lying, or being aggressive and angry and impossible and careless. Maybe the lesson I learn is not to try and save someone who wouldn’t spend the same time and efforts in saving you back. Words drip from lips, actions carry more weight. I know this time that whomever I meet I will never leave them again to try and restore what I had with this guy. I have done that twice and it has got me no where. I asked a man what mistakes he made with relationships, and he said in his twenties he never found anyone who he thought he could be with on a daily basis for the rest of his life. He said I never found my best friend until I was in my forties. I smiled, I had found my best friend whose company I never tired of… and I found someone who I truly believed thought the same. It’s a shame, as now I have no relationship or best friend. But I know that having a best friend in a relationship is something I want again, only with someone who is not to immature to realise how precious that actually is. And I know the next man will never speak to me and call me names like I let this one do, partly because the other two men I dated and everyone before that never have, as they respected me. I am a respectable girl. I am talented in many ways. I am kind and thoughtful and sweet. I am fun and funny and always supportive. I am almost the perfect girl. And every guy can see that, every guy who knows what they want in a partner. Who knows what they want in life, men who know how to value themselves and others. This man was deeply unhappy, restless and damaged. And no amount of love or support can save someone who does not want to, or care to be saved. Or to appreciate what they had, is what every other guy dreams to have. No one ever realises what they have until it’s gone. The reason he wants to travel is not to see the world but to find a place he belongs, what he does not realise is anyone can live anywhere where you belong is where you are loved and valued and wanted and needed. He doesn’t work for money he works as without it what has he got? What purpose does he serve?  A family a home and love gives you purpose, but he’s too young to see, and to ignorant to listen. And I refuse spending any more time trying to save someone educated and enable someone to have everything they don’t appreciate or value. I will miss things, but I can build things with someone else and know they will won’t take me for granted. I have decided that I will give up social media, and lead a more secret life while I’m treading things out. While I am meeting new people and getting to know them. And this is the time whereby I can create a world where I can be safe with someone else……. and with myself. So goodbye social media, goodbye my ex, have fun and take care and I hope you find a place you belong. And if you don’t I hope you realise it was what I said all along and understand what you had, and maybe appreciate what you had and who loved you and saved you, and that no one else would do that or what i have for him. Maybe one day I will get a message saying “thanks for being you” but I won’t hold my breath. 

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