There are people who cross our path, there are people who blow up our path and those who we find along the way of our own path.
There’s a select few that will be standing and joining us on the journey of our walking. I have overcome a lot the last few weeks, although it feels like months. I have encountered a new array of people, and I have disposed of a lot of people. But I have done so with dignity and love. Just because you remove people from your life, your path it does not mean that you should lash hate or bitterness towards them. The world encounters enough hate from, rude, uneducated and inexperienced people, don’t be one of them. Especially when you can be better than them, anyone can set off a bomb, and destroy what has taken time and love to build. It takes the mark of a compassionate human to actually see that beyond the explosion of this bomb there will only be destruction, even for yourself. I have struggled with anxiety and bipolar for many a year. They say that people with bipolar disorder feel more intensely and more deeply. I know this to be a fact. A horrid fact that has affected me and my actions towards those around me. As human beings we have a natural instinct that if we are hurt, we lash out if we foresee someone hurting us, that attack is the first\best form of defence. Harsh lessons are learnt from every hurtful experience. The one I have encountered is that the lashing and hurt bestowed upon me is nothing more than instinct and issues from an uneducated infantile human.
I lost a guy from my life, the good things he brought to my life are not as ‘good’ as the bad things I was left with. My anxiety increased to its maximum. This was due to the insecurities his past behaviour had caused me to feel. Where there is broken trust and lies, there will always be a blanket of doubt no matter how ‘perfect’ they then can be. I had insecurities that were given to me. Therefore I bore anxiety which was only ever attached to this person, and feelings of distrust and hurt. If you have ever been truly hurt by a lover, it never dies, the hurt remains, it just transpires and manifests in different ways. That’s how psychology and human emotions work. As a human our self-worth now seems to be based upon how people treat us, opposed to how we treat them and others. A person who lashes you with names and insults is not a reflection of who you are, but just of how they see you, rightly or wrongly. Your self-worth is based upon how you respond and how you filter this experience. It is all too easy to say ‘ i done this, or acted this way because ‘you did this’ This does not prove that the other person is responsible for their malicious actions, it shows how little they understand of their own thought process and behaviour. No one can make you do anything you ‘didn’t’ want to do. No one can impose you say something nasty, they are your words, your thoughts that you materialise through your mouth through your voice.
I have it granted I am no angel, but I am now more evolved and experienced through understanding these simple actions. For every action, there is a re-action, if you react to a person. If you decide to take an action and throw it out into the world, then surely there will be a reaction. The universe is like that. If you are having a bad day and decided to become annoyed and your vibes are low, then surely you will attract more low vibes. The ‘vibe’ i am referring is as simple as the energy you put out into the world and let control your conscious stream of thought which inturn affects your behaviour. I have practised the positivity, and I have reaped the rewards ten fold. I have indulged in the synchronicity that is at play within the universe around me every day and I have listened and acknowledged. The negativity and insecurities of my anxiety have ceased to exist as the person who brought that into my life has ceased to be in my life and play such a ‘big’ part in my life.
I have taken a break from uni and thought that I would focus more on my writing and my photography, however very few words have stained a page, and even fewer images have materialised from my camera. And this is ok, I have been plunged into the world I hadn’t planned to be in, my year was suppose to be so different, unfortunately, the universe and the world had seen different. I had come to realise a few weeks ago in the mist of a depression that this is my incubation period. And from an incubation period can only come nurture and growth. This is what I have experienced, and I am ever so grateful for. I am grateful for the people who have come into my life and helped me through and during this process. I am grateful for the people who have left and enabled this process. In the human world, we have a ‘Time’ a time frame and a perception of time. However, the divine time of things is where the true magic and the true experiences and rewards lie. We could work really hard at a job and have been doing so for two years, and the promotion we have been wanting is not given to us. The human reaction is to be disappointed or disheartened. Yet maybe in a few weeks time we find ourselves looking for another job and it has the even bigger promotion than the one we were disappointed we didn’t ‘get’. This isn’t a coincident this is divine timing. The experience we have accumulated over the last two years working effortlessly was not for the promotion we sought, but for the promotion, we couldn’t see coming. I highly believe in this, and it has been proved to me on a number of occasions. The old saying that ‘the world works in mysterious ways’ is a saying much says, but have no true concept of, not really.
I will not preach about my view or convince anyone that my way or thinking or my faith or belief is what is right, for some people are not yet mentally and emotionally ready to accept and nurture this belief. And some people are not ready yet to awaken. That is fine, everyone’s belief and faith is distinctive to their own experiences and self-awareness. Everyone’s journey is different and so I will only wish those the best on their journey.
I have embraced a lot about myself and the world and through this I have been able to be inspired in my images which I will commence. This series of images will be the series of images that really does portray ME, my incubation, my awakening and my personality along with my faith. This is a series that will be unlike any others as my other images were inspires through pain, and emotional distress. I have always been scared of happiness, as I am a writer and artist who is inspired by pain, and trauma. So I always wondered upon what I would create, how I would be a artist should this be absent. Thanks to my incubation period i now see a lot of my images were my coping mechanism through a turbulent relationship that caused me a lot of pain. I see that my coping mechanism was both healthy and unhealthy, as for every image I look back upon I see in my mind’s eye the place I was at the time, the ‘things’ or ‘thing’ that someone said or did to make me feel a specific way to create this. I look back now as memories that I have immortalised in these times, they sit in picture frames and some people look in awe, in compassion, in empathy, some are inspired and less isolated, as they can relate. There are so many ‘things’ my images and poetry conjure in people, but I am glad that they do, as those people are people who have encountered a pain, a hurt, a sense of loss, or defeat. And they are the people who I have the most admiration for, the most love for…. as they have survived and learnt how to survive.
The people who know, me who I let into my circle ( as I am so fussy about who I give a piece of my life too) see the images, see how they have a haunting message. Yet everyone who sees them knows me, and people who I don’t really know, who see them, then meet me, cannot believe the contrast. My images, haunt, my words raw, yet I am such a funny, happy person, with intelligence, and wit. I have smiles for everyone and a warmth that I give freely to those I love and trust. I have such an adventurous soul, and I can make even the worse of situations the most positively funny and memorable. I have a light, and for all those who are in dark times, or seek help or advice, I ensure they leave with as much love and light as I can possibly and humanly give. I will encourage and support and inspire everyone I can, that’s just me….. I love being me. I love my talents as an artist, as a writer, as a mum as a human. For if I say ‘I want to do……’ I will whether it be: learn how to ride a motorbike, or lay a patio out the garden, build a porch or retile my floor or walls, I am self-sufficient and capable of everything I see others do. I am a teacher a healer and a seeker….. and I love that most about me. I also love the fact I am all or nothing, I am never grey in anything I do or anyone I love in my life. I also love and embrace my dark side, the side that is my temper my anger…. my relentless determination because if I never had such anger I could never experience such passion or such intense love. If I did not have such a vile temper I would never be able to appreciate my calm nature and my earthly spirit. I have a temper and a fiercely protective streak, but I am the mother so therefore I know what pure love is… and the fierce way in which I will protect anything I love.
We can be hard on ourselves at times if we fail, or perceive ourselves to fail at something or do not achieve an outcome. If someone should treat us a certain way or we act a certain way which hurts someone else, intentionally or unintentionally, we can punish ourselves a lot more than anyone else could. Don’t be too hard on yourself, emotions are the raw strands of being human, and humans are allowed to make mistakes, but when one does, ensure that you realise your behaviour, your reaction, your actual words are all from you, no one else, no one has forced you to do anything you did not want to do.