Fear and its two faces ….

Its has been a while, blogging for me is like praying t a god i have never acknowledged before.

What happens when you give a person unlimited freedom? – They become who they really are. It is the same when a relationship ends, the person or the traits of who they were that you didn’t like become ever so more prominent. This i suppose is the most heartbreaking thing of a relationship, because as much as you did not like the attributes, and tried to deny them to yourself, in order to smooth over the relationship. To maintain it, no matter how unhappy it made you. When it’s over and you see the person for who they really are, selfish, self-absorbed, sleazy, and without discipline, it shows that the time you wasted trying to convince yourself otherwise is lost. The emotions you invested are lost, and the thoughts you had to fight with daily took up so much time and heartache was eventually so unavoidable because of who the other person REALLY was. We all like to convince ourselves and others we are good people. But who are we when we think no one is looking or no one will find out? That’s who we really are. We all like to think that given any type of situation we will do the right thing, but the right thing has consequences, is it the right thing for us (selfish gain) or the right thing for someone’s else ( no gain for us, just drama/trouble etc, but happiness for someone else)

The way we think of ourselves is crucial in how we attract and how comfortable we are with ourselves and others. They say the things you like about other that you hold in such high regard are the things you most like about yourself. I think this is pretty accurate. I appreciate honesty, and loyalty, i love someone ho has a good sense of humour, who loves to be creative or artistic and likes weird stuff and philosophical stuff. I like all these things about myself too. I have realised that I do actually like a lot of things about myself, based on what I like in other people. Especially emotionally, I like someone who is patience who is calm and compassionate, people who are empathic and caring is such a beautiful thing in another human. These are also things i am. The flip side, however, is that the things we dislike or even hate about other people is what we also dislike about ourselves, as we have to try very hard not to indulge yourself in this behaviour. I dislike liars because i could lie, i could lie so easily, but i refuse to…..I could be a slut, or a flirt or a sleazy girl, it would be easy for me, i am pretty talents and have a great personality. Though i chose not to indulge in something so immature and self-destructive. I dislike people who have quick tempers as it takes alot to keep mine under control as i have trained myself not to flare off.I dislike people who let their emotions run off because i can let this happen and it ends up hurting both myself and those around me.

We are complex little being. We are also in such denial about ourselves as our perspective of our self is so flawed. I got asked by my therapist to ask people who are close to me and who are not “What is your perspective of me, and my life” This is not to take on board what these people perspectives are or judgements, and correct myself accordingly. It is to see if they have the same perspective of myself and my life, in which i reflect, to them, on social media, and through my behaviours. In this process i then have a idea of what the people watching the movie of ‘Lucz’ sees and witnesses what they value and are interested in, what they like or sympathise with, what they do not like etc. SO then from that i can compare it to my perspective of myslef, as i am not viewing my story, i am essentially the one that is behind the scenes. I know the set, the characters, the storyline, the tragedy and the accomplishments, that others do not see, or which i may not share or reflect in case of rejection, judgement, and my perception of what is deem able as a accomplishment or tragedy.

Like a turtle in a shell, when i am hurt or scared i hide in it, i do not go wild, i hide, i seek safety. An interesting point i thought. But inside that hard shell is a soft and beautiful creature. A creature that knows when to hide, because of how fragile she is.

FEAR – This old friend. Is actually very healthy. Without fear, we wouldn’t know its what we wanted. To feel indifferent about someone or something shows its not what you want, its just a simply or easy thing to disregard. Fear shows we want it, we believe in its magic, the fact it will challenge us, draw out another side of us, new emotions, and a different kind of life/ experience that we have may have had something similar before …. and enjoyed and valued it in some way therefore we fear it as it was a experience that helped us grow, feel and live and change us differently to who we were before, what life was before. Fear shows interest, shows a soulful attachment to delve into what could nurture us into another world/life/ experience and happiness. If we have the courage to let us feel the fear and embrace stepping over the other side of fear.

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