I dated a psychopath…. 

Some people come into our lives and leave such a profound effect, in a positive or negative way. Unfortunately I dated a psychopath, literally, I have discovered he had all the traits of a clinically diagnosed pyschopath. It started four years ago, and after nine months I found out he had been messaging other girls. I forgave him, and then two months later I found out he had been leading a double life with his ex. Mine during weekdays and she would go down his on the weekends that I was working. Our relationship spiralled and a triangle of damaged ensued. I do not blame his ex even though she could of been more respectable in the situation and spoken with me. Instead a year long head fuck ensued. He would lie to her, lie to me. Tell me she was a psychopath and was trying to ruin our relationship. He also said the same to her about me. Every time I would end it within days he would set up a fake profile and contact me via social media. Every time I blocked his number he would use a pay phone, every new number I got, he would get hold of it. In a year I went through 17 different numbers. And broke up with him countless times over his pathological lying. But he could charm the knickers off a nun. He has always been a sleazy fucker. I found so many explicit messages on his phone to random girls. Each time he would give me a sob story make out it was my fault as I was not giving him the attention or affection he craved, I felt bad. So I would try to do more, I always seemed to have to keep his attention and compete with other girls. I didn’t trust him and I would be paranoid. He showed such little remorse and empathy for the mental frame of mind he had put me in. 

This wasn’t the problem so much as I saw such a sweet and thoughtful side to him. He was egotistical and would say ‘I can make any girl fall in love with me’ I thought this was a disgusting way to behave, and I told him so. After two and a half years I decided to break away as he would not stop messaging, flirting and hooking up with other girls. He had no self control and no self respect. And I lost all respect for him. How could I be proud of the man I was with when he didn’t respect me or other women or himself. I started seeing someone else after three months. And he was so annoyed and depressed about this. As a naturally caring person I told him that he had caused this and had no one to blame but himself. But like any pyschopath he never accepts the true stem of the blame. 

He seemed so genuinely heartbroken and so genuinely gutted. And I felt bad. I knew he had such a good sweet side, now I see how fake that was and how powerful he was at manipulating. He manipulated everyone from people who he met to people he wanted something from, attention or to do a tattoo on. He would flirt with them lead them on and then when he got what he wanted he would blank them. The thing with a psychopath is they have a almost natural ability to intrigue you and hold your attention, make you feel special. He would, he could do that so easily. And I took the way he could be so sweet and so lovely as the pure side of him. He needed me, he didn’t love me. Someone who loves you does not treat you in such ways. I would never be able to accept his truth. Because it’s was not the truth, it was a version he would want me to believe or maybe he actually believed. I caught him out with so many girls. He would tell me nothing had happened and I have found out how he had slept with so many girls. Though ironically when I started a relationship with someone else he actually mad me feel so bad when I ended it with that person and got back with him. He would say how horrid I had made him feel, how much damage I had done, yet all the while massively underestimating the damage he had done. But here’s the funny thing, you can not argue and ever be right with a psychopath as they live in a different reality to you. They don’t empathise, they don’t see anything from anyone else’s opinion or experience only their own. 

He had a bad childhood, so I would put his anger down to insecurities from childhood. They weren’t insecurities they were just his unresolved issues and his true nature. He had no patiences for anyone who would disagree with him. He had no time for anyone who would not benefit him in anyway. But he liked me, as I was very empathic I was very challenging and intelligent and would catch him out. To him I was a challenge it was as game, and he always thought he was above everyone else, he would call any other guy a ‘mug’ or a ‘groupie’ and say how pathetic they were …. this was because they challenged everything about him, they were good people. And should I dare to see that, I would see even more of his flaws. He had no friends, and didn’t bother with his family. 

He had no male friends as they would of seen straight through him. Female friends he could not have either as he did not know how to be friends with a female without using them to his sick advantage for attention and sexual gratification. And they were so easily manipulated they didn’t pose much of a challenge, like a lion playing with a mouse. 

When I confronted him ever about any of his sexual encounters I would be met with nastiness and lies and blame on me. If we argued within hours he would be messaging another girl with dick pics and flirting. When he got fed up with that girl he would always come back… and I was the idiot that took him back, believing this time he had learnt his lesson. He never did and never will. Because he travels for work he has freedom and no self control. Not a good mix for anyone. Every time I thought he was being faithful or being real, he was just biding time, he didn’t change as a person no matter how good I was or patience or understanding. He just changed tatic the game was still being played. Some people would think ‘oh he’s a fuckboy’. No he is a pyschopath. 
I could only get the truth by actually messaging other girls and asking them. And unfortunately although they had no loyalties to me I got more of the truth than I ever did off him. Which is fine. It shows what type of person he is. Unfortunately sometimes he would tell the girls I was a ex or I was a stalker obsessed with him. 🤣  and sometimes they would believe him, like I said he has charm and is a skilled manipulator. Then I would have the girls eventually when he disposed of them as they served him no purpose no more, message me and say that they actually lied to me, because he asked them too and because he said these things about me. He would call me a psycho for messaging these girls, and be smug when they lied for him. WHO DOES THAT. Then he would make me feel bad for not believing or trusting him. Yet when I found out then that they had lied and he had lied and confronted him with the truth and evidence he would rage. 

Now, I am not a stupid person, despite this actually sounding as if I am. But when you love and care for someone you do not want to see their evilness. Not when they are so skilled at showing you such a beautiful person too. I fell in love with a pyschopath. And he damaged me more than anyone else I have ever and could ever meet. It’s easy for a pyschopath to move onto to new victims and you’ll find they never have a friendship or relationship with anyone including family  that has been sustained over a long period of time. Why? Because they cannot sustain a pure relationship of any kind. They only see people for gain, like a hunger that they need satisfying. When the hunger has been satisfied they know the hunger will strike again so they always have someone else lined up. Life and love to them is a series of gains, and they do not take kindly to being challenged or defeated.  They will work extremely hard in their profession or passion to be the BEST they can be, because they can’t stand to not be admired or looked highly upon. They are powerful people and they need to feel it, otherwise they actually become more self destructing. They will do anything to be seen as the best and will always get what they want, by any means necessary. 

There was a time when we would break up and I would pine for him as he was somewhat my best friend. After finding out so much now, there is no longing. There is nothing. It’s taken 4 years to break free …and see him for what he truly is. And for me to finally say, wow I am not the problem here, he is. Nothing was ever enough for him. No one will ever be enough for him. He will constantly want more, he will never be a committed person to anyone, as he can’t even commit to himself. 

The scars of our past and how we treat people will stay with us for a lifetime and karma will give you back more than you put out. His meaningless sex with random girls, his random sexual gratification, it is all a empty gain. At the end of it he will be such a damaged person his soul will emit this and his vibe will drive away anything good from his life. He will end up diseased, and lonely, even if he is in a relationship with someone he will still be lonely and unhappy. He will keep messaging other girls and self destructing. He is his own worst enemy as he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour or actions. But that is ok longer my problem. And I no longer want to save or help him, which is something that kept me with him far too long. 

His new girl knows nothing of him, and his ability to act so cold and so mean to her has yet been proved…. I feel sad for her … for while she is being loyal she has no idea of his patterned behaviour. See the thing is if it happens more than twice there is a pattern …. and a pattern is not easily broken as it is engrained in your mind frame. And if he justifys his actions and behaviour to himself then he is right. And he never shows remorse….. why? Because he has justified it already to himself. 

I am healing myself an not sleeping around, I do not want or need attention to feel attractive or validated. I do not need to rely on the opposite sex to like me or boost my ego. I respect myself more than that. I respect myself enough to work out the issues I have now with trust and men. I will heal myself and my mind frame. I will enjoy myself by being myself and being the pure and caring person I am. I need not impress no one else, but myself. Because I am essentially my own best friend. I am working on my self esteem and confidence as a pyschopath definitely strips that away from you. I am happy to live my life alone, until I meet someone who is essentially as spirituality intuned with themselves as I will be. 

And my pyschopath ex? He will go from girl to girl, country to country, seeking and searching for something that will satisfy him. Unfortunately he will have failed relationships upon failed relationships and they will all be because of his pyschopathic personality and inability to identify an feel anything pure. He will essentially create a hell for himself inside himself that he will never be able to flee from… no girl or place or country will be able to take that feeling of desperate lonlieness away. One day I hope to hear he has sought professional help. Because all he will leave behind is a lot of damaged people, because of how damaged he is and damaging he can be. 

I know now I have a very bright and healthy future. As I can fix myself as I know what is wrong, what damage has been done as I am brave enough to acknowledge my flaws, the ones I have naturally and the ones that have been inflicted on me. And I choose not to inflict my issues or insecurities on anyone else at this stage in my life. As no one else deserves it. And when I do decided to date at least I will have a more promising future of a relationship than he will have. I will have resolved issues and be able to be myself, not a manipulated  version of myself to suit someone else’s gain. I won’t have crippling anxiety either …. 

People come and go in our life… and sometimes letting go of someone is less damaging than holding on. Some people do not change, will not change, and don’t know how to change. In order to break a cycle you have to first see it, and then want to break it. Emotional and mental abuse is more damaging than physical abuse as it’s leaves no visible scars, just insecurities and trauma. I have never had to have therapy after a relationship, but with a pyschopath, you need therapy. 

I always thought me and him had something special. The revelations that I have found out have finally helped me to realise how damaged and disgusting he is as a person. I am repulsed that I had ever loved him, and stayed so long. But I did because I didn’t want to believe I fell in love with a actual monster. And real monsters don’t hide in shadows or under your bed, they are in human form and they destroy your head. I was not a angel, but I was faithful and true, I  was paranoid because of what he had caused, and I was never the best person I could of been when I was with him as he encouraged a needy and panicked side of me that obsured the person I truly am. I lost myself loving someone else. I lost my faith, trust, confidence and my light, I lost everything good about me, because I tried to offer it to him and he destroyed it. But it is so natural for me to me a loving, and caring person, who is not malicious or devious. So I know I will embrace that fully and build on it completely. As that is the real me, the one who cares too much and never gives up. 

If I had to give him one last sentence … it would be ‘I hope they have mercy on your soul’ – I do not believe in god, but whoever handles the souls, they need to have mercy on his. As I am not the first person who has loved him and he has destroyed and I doubt I will be the last. 

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