Your love I’m lost in…

The end of another year fast is upon me, and through this year passed i have found so much joy, and so much heartache. I have found comfort in strange lands and people. I sat having coffee with a friend, and i found some closure that i sought. This lead me to think of what closure i really seek, and there is one question i would love to ask a person i locked out of my life this year. But some people you learn you will never get closure from, learning to accept the apology you never got so to speak. \To forgive them so you give yourself peace. Which i have done. But through a four year relationship with someone it was fought with lies and deceit and if he were stood in front of me i would as for one question, for my own peace and out of wanting to understand the lessons he taught me. The question is “Of all the lies you told me, out of everything you kept and the lengths you went to try to hide things from me. Why go through so much effort and trouble when you could of just left.Why go to such lengths, to so many other girls when you could of just left, left me in peace to try to find your own?”Maybe one day the contact from him will come, as like magnets we always return, and slip into each others lives as if we have never been apart. I hope that when this happens again, he has learnt more than he had a month ago.

Through a lot of soul searching and growth this year i have understood my behaviour patterns. I had emails on my phone from this person and i thought about passing them on to someone else, to save her from the pain and the wasted years i had endured and the damage i am still recovering from. But, I decided to deleted them. I deleted everything. I deleted it as it is not my place to provide her with the lesson she will receive, as she needs to gain her own knowledge from her circumstances and the situation. Like i did.

People always cross our paths for a reason, he crossed mine, yet i am still unclear of the reason, although i have learnt a lot of lessons. The question i want to ask still lingers and will for years to come, as only he can provide me with that answer as only he himself knows it. I am done warping my reality to what i want it to be, that ‘love’ is something that actually sets you free, gives you wings and provides you with peace. It makes you feel complete. Love doesn’t do that, love hurts. Love hurts so much, love is not home, love is the place between ecstasy and agony, never ever achieving either state fully, just always living in hope of the ecstasy, while so often being stung by agony.

In hours, we all will descend into a new year, a full moon, a wolf moon actually. And in those hours the foundations for this year will be built, our hopes will be high and positive and our ambition will be limitless. This is the time to take into account all the things that we have learnt. I have learnt love doesn’t conquer all. That free will is our ally or enemy dependent on how fluent we are in the language of our soul. I am content in my life. In myself and in my path. I will get on a plane in a few hours and depart to Albania, and it will be within the few weeks to follow that i will be bestowed with more clarity as to my life and lessons.

I had coffee with a friend who was a ex, and i have so much respect for him. He has always had the ability to be brutally honest with me. And i can be with him. I found out he has his eyes on a girl that it was so obvious he was destined to be with, and i am so genuinely happy for him i cried with happiness that he was finally going to get the happiness and peace he deserved. He was a bit hesitate in telling me as he was friends with this girl when i was with him. But i told him that i could see it anyway and it gave me such closure as to why we didn’t work, the twice we tried. As on paper and in life we were so compatible. But his heart was reserved for someone else, and that gave me such a peaceful feeling, as i knew it wasn’t ‘me’ that was not worthy. See when your heart is reserved for someone else no matter how hard you burry it, your life will never ever be peaceful and your mind still, as your soul screams for what it needs.

I told him about my near future plans, Albania. And again i cried, as i told him “I just want someone to tell me ‘it’s going to be ok'” He grabbed me and hugged me and told me it was ‘going to be ok’ as he would always be a friend to me and if i ever need him that he would be there. We spoke for six hours we drank coffee, his black, mine cold. The brutal truth, the hopes and silent smiles, we had what we always had, honesty, love and trust. That is what you need in a friendship, and any relationship. I have that with him. I learnt so many lessons from him, and so many blessings. He asked me why i was willing to go to the other side of the world for this guy, and my answer was so simple ‘He is nothing like my ex, he does not remind me of him in any way, and i trust him so much, and he adores me, like i am a queen. He would never hurt me, he would rather slit his own throat than hurt me. I am doing it as in some ways he is my saviour.’ -My friend looked at me with the saddest eyes and smirked before his lips parted and said brutally ‘my heart isn’t the only heart that is reserved.’ In a way i think my heart is reserved, but in another i think my experiences are still so raw i am numb, as to feel at this point i would die with the severity of the pain of feeling so deeply.

“Would you marry him?” this hung in the air as i fiddled with my fingers. I would, I will, because to be loved truly is the greatest gift in life. To be safe and never have to second guess someones intentions or motives towards you is the epitome of peace and comfort. To have a friend you laugh with and adore is to never know loneliness again or drown in sadness. To have someone believe in you more than you could ever believe in yourself is what it is like to have unlimited confidence. To have a family, is what is important, a family you choose based on their principals and protectiveness is to never have to have a sense of being lost. I found everything i was hoping and looking for in a guy and in life…. i just found it in another guy. In some part I’am disappointed in others i am relieved.

Life is not just what you make it to be, but it is what you allow other to take from it and pour into it…….


To respectfully leave ….

We all have those people in our life that nourish us as humans, like enriched soil for a rose. The foundations that we lay with someone, even a friend or colleague becomes the infrastructure to our relationship with them. These words can seem somewhat far fetched, but to simplify ‘First impressions are everything, and they count.’ It has been a long time since i had to make a first impression upon someone whom I deemed important enough to ensure i was enough myself and yet respectful of their culture. I recently went to my a friends house, who would only be more than a friend should his parents approve. Culture and tradition is a big part of our identity, of us knowing who we are, where we are from and where we belong. There are many arguments that can arise from this subject of ‘culture’ what may seem backwards thinking by one person is completely wholesome and real by another, that they abide it and support it.

I am not from a culture as such even though i am British. British culture is not what it use to be, like many other cultures and traditions. This is in part due to migration and technology. A first born generation immigrant could be born in Britain yet because of the cultural strength of their parents and traditions, they identify more with being ‘Indian’ etc even though they are born British and live in modern day Britain. Identity is something that we can never escape from, or should we as we need a sense of identity, be it heritage or language, that allows us to feel like we belong somewhere. And to of course, see the journey in which we have come as a person, from humble roots and life to a privileged lifestyle. Culture is important, even those who have a lack of it, as they can see and appreciate other cultures and their values. I believe culture and religion are very different things therefore will not include any religious opinions.

So i visited a country recently, Albania. I like to travel a lot and have been in different countries, six this year. Their cultures and traditions are beautiful. Their food and language I have enjoyed learning. It was going to Albania that seemed to draw a lot of peoples attention more so than my visit to Greece or Italy. Why? Because of the backstory of Albania, it was a communist country for many years and people suffered such hardships. The country was corrupt and of course unstable, both economically and politically. But they have one of the most beautiful countries i have been too, the people are so welcoming and their values and traditions are beautiful and well maintained. A mans word in Albania,is his life and oath, If he says something it is done. I like this, no, I love this. A man is strong presences in Albania, within his family and the community. And Albania loves coffee, and has some of the most tasty food i have ever tasted. And the guy i went there to see is a ‘stereotypical old fashioned British Gentleman type’. He embodies so many qualities that are rare in men today. So for me, a white British girl to find a genuinely beautiful guy, it would just be my luck he is Albanian and we are a cliche. But this is something i do not care for so much, for many years after finding myself, i stopped giving a shit about what people ‘think’ or what they judge me for. I cannot live my life to the fullest or the purest being true to myself if i live for other peoples opinions. Judgement and expectations are everywhere. Even friends have expectations of a their friendship with you, along with family, parents and lovers. Expectations are everywhere, but the only expectations that truly matter are the ones you have for yourself, and if you meet them. My expectations are to always do the kindest thing for myself and another person. I expect to live my life guilt free through always trying to do the right thing, by myself and others. This is why, when it came to meeting someone else’s parents, and having to accept these expectations are very real and need to be met did i become more nervous than i have been in many years.

I was slung into a situation where the whole family was there, the parents of which speak no english and i speak no Albanian. The father was a genuinely traditional Albanian man, extremely well respected by all his family. The mother, the typically caring motherly type, who was cooking as i arrived. I have piercings in my face and tattoos all up my arms on my feet, hands and legs. This was going to take a Goddam miracle. I wouldn’t say i am a lucky girl, but i am a girl who knows herself. Therefore i am confident that i am a good, honest person, and my intentions towards the family and their son, grew out of nothing more than love. I am sometimes such a honest person, and i ask questions and i love to learn and i never take any moment for granted at all. So i embraced the opportunity to speak with them (translated by one of their children) I found out that the father had the same sense of humour as the boy i had fallen in love with. This was comforting, as to laugh with someone washes away tension, and reinforces that you are just two humans. I liked that they were a traditional family, but one that had humour and love. In Britain we are not really family oriented, so it was beautiful to see such a close family, and it was so humbling to actually feel the love in the room. The way they spoke with one another, the way their body language interacted. There are certain things in life you need to see or feel to believe; like ghost i suppose, or the rush of pure love when you have a child. This was one of them to me. To see a family so respectful and humble vibrating with love. At that moment in time i realised how lucky the guy i was there with, was to have a family like this. I also realised how the family structure we grow up with really does impact who we are as people. It is within the family unit in which we build our first ever relationships, and experience the dynamics of love, trust and support. If we do not have a good experience of these, then our perception of relationships is flawed until we can grow enough to realise we can change that perception.

The approval from his family, which initially did not mean alot to me, meant the world to me. Not because i wanted to be accepted, by this wonderful lot of humans, but because i did not want to imbalance the relationship dynamics with any of them. If the father had not approved, then if i was to see this guy i was starting a relationship with, it would have to be in secret. This would of caused a string of negative emotions, him with his father for carrying on seeing me, so that would of caused dishonesty, and guilt. With me it would of strained mine and his relationship, as i would always know i was not worthy. It would of been a romeo and Juliet situation, and we all know how that ended.
So for the first time ever i really wanted their acceptance and not under the pretence of me wanting to flatter or manipulate them into liking me. These were such honesty and loving people that i could not of lived with my conscious if i tried to deceive them. So i was just myself and prayed they seen the purity in me as i saw in them. Because i knew if they did not approve, i would not let the guy lie to his father and carry on seeing me. I would not allow him to imbalance his relationship with his father because of me. And because i actually began to love this boy, i knew i would be heartbroken to let him go. But i know it would be the ‘right’ thing to do, for him and his family. I like to think i have that pureness in me, where sometimes you love someone enough to let them go. I think that is the purest form of unselfish love.

I talk so much in my blogs for love, the bad, the good, the betrayals and the lessons. I like to think make one person think, or feel better, or less alone in the pondering and the trials of relationships and love, alongside finding yourself. I found in that house pure love, and i wanted to keep it that way, i found honesty and respect, and i wanted to give that back as well as to maintain it.

The good news is i was welcomed and accepted. And I get to spend a month in Albania in January. And as excited as i am to see my boyfriend, i am equally as excited to see his beautiful sister, and kind brother, and his quirky cousin and his mom and dad, whom i respect more than i respect my own. I guess thats a British thing. Or i guess it could be the thing of ‘respect those who respect you, love those whom love you, and do for others what they would for you’.

The weight….

There are so many questions in which we yearn for answers, and through the course of life we wait for the answers to reveal themselves. Another year has slide into my past, from love and exhaustion of the weight of the questions i carry, I have come to realise the ‘questions’ we seek can only be answered by ourselves. We have faith in everything will work out for the best, the right decisions will lead us to some sort of peace and happiness. If i could inject a wicked cackle laugh here i would. But i cant, sorry. What if every wrong decision we ever make leads us still on the right path, only the path will teach us more than the right path, and thats the answer itself. That even the wrong path, the wrong decision is the right one, for self growth. I have poured out soul, to empty, on the wagon of love, believing it will lead me from the confusion and agony into the peace and balance i yearned for. Three months ago i told someone who i was involved in not to contact me ever again, I see the sticks of a triangle again being built by him. And i took charge and took away the stick that was me. And when i did this i realised for the wrong path i was on, (with him) i had now chosen the right path, the right decision. It was empowering, especially while i watched, i suppose as fate would from the sidelines waiting for my predicts to become a reality. And they did. At that moment i snapped my stick, not out of bitterness or out of hatred, but out of self love. I snapped it knowing i would never and could never put myself in a situation like that again.

The wrong path will be just as difficult as the right path, just as complicated and just as questioned. But what we learn from the wrong path is more than we will ever learn from the right path. And out destination will end on the same spot regardless of the path. Why? Because like a spiders web that is broken, there will be another silk string in tact that will lead you back to the point you needed to be. But with the added extra of learning something more important than we ever thought, or think possible, at present moments in time.

Some people seem to forget they always have ‘freewill’ under any circumstances, even when other people make decisions. The thing you will always retain is your free will, to which you can embrace or you can surrender in the blind hope that you can convince yourself you had no choice. That, it was the only choice you could make. But no matter how much you bury yourself in your lies, the truth is just under the surface… and always will be. The lies and dishonesty will weigh on the truth and your conscious. To be at peace with ones choices and perils is to receive the answers, even those which we do not want to acknowledge. Love and what it entails, delivers and drowns you in, how it leaves you, affects you and makes you doubt things from your life, to your family and your sanity is the most dangerous thing to invite into your life. Yet, we do, as humans, want to belong, need company, and a loving embrace. This is essentially what can bring up to the peak of happiness or plummet us into a hell that we have a 50/50 chance of surviving, but the burns and scars from this we will always wear as a wise man wears a crown of wisdom. Evolution of the soul can only ever be accomplished if you know that for every person, and situation you have ever been in has taught you something about yourself.

It is a weight, to wait… for the answers …. but never expect to ever have the answers when it comes to love. I rather study space or physics than love, as love has more infinite possibilities than quantum theory in my opinion. Even the wisest of gurus will not be able to advise you on love, the best you can hope to get from them is a speech about loving yourself. You can love another person more than you love yourself, you can love them in the purest of ways, in the deepest most self sacrificing of ways, but if they do not love themselves, how do you expect them to know how to love you? to understand love? relate to it? The truth is everyone has a different idea of love, and they dont always like the reality of it…. I believe in love, and that everybody has the ability to love and be loved. Pride, and ego are the only things that twist the idea of love, into the reality we reject. Unconditional love? nope, i do not believe in that… Love always is given with terms and conditions, what terms and conditions do you love on? what stops you from loving someone, what conditions do you put in place? what restrictions is your love tied with? Understand these questions, for they do not need answers, they need to be thought of and contemplated and then you can claim you have a 1% understanding of the complications of ‘love’.