The end of another year fast is upon me, and through this year passed i have found so much joy, and so much heartache. I have found comfort in strange lands and people. I sat having coffee with a friend, and i found some closure that i sought. This lead me to think of what closure i really seek, and there is one question i would love to ask a person i locked out of my life this year. But some people you learn you will never get closure from, learning to accept the apology you never got so to speak. \To forgive them so you give yourself peace. Which i have done. But through a four year relationship with someone it was fought with lies and deceit and if he were stood in front of me i would as for one question, for my own peace and out of wanting to understand the lessons he taught me. The question is “Of all the lies you told me, out of everything you kept and the lengths you went to try to hide things from me. Why go through so much effort and trouble when you could of just left.Why go to such lengths, to so many other girls when you could of just left, left me in peace to try to find your own?”Maybe one day the contact from him will come, as like magnets we always return, and slip into each others lives as if we have never been apart. I hope that when this happens again, he has learnt more than he had a month ago.
Through a lot of soul searching and growth this year i have understood my behaviour patterns. I had emails on my phone from this person and i thought about passing them on to someone else, to save her from the pain and the wasted years i had endured and the damage i am still recovering from. But, I decided to deleted them. I deleted everything. I deleted it as it is not my place to provide her with the lesson she will receive, as she needs to gain her own knowledge from her circumstances and the situation. Like i did.
People always cross our paths for a reason, he crossed mine, yet i am still unclear of the reason, although i have learnt a lot of lessons. The question i want to ask still lingers and will for years to come, as only he can provide me with that answer as only he himself knows it. I am done warping my reality to what i want it to be, that ‘love’ is something that actually sets you free, gives you wings and provides you with peace. It makes you feel complete. Love doesn’t do that, love hurts. Love hurts so much, love is not home, love is the place between ecstasy and agony, never ever achieving either state fully, just always living in hope of the ecstasy, while so often being stung by agony.
In hours, we all will descend into a new year, a full moon, a wolf moon actually. And in those hours the foundations for this year will be built, our hopes will be high and positive and our ambition will be limitless. This is the time to take into account all the things that we have learnt. I have learnt love doesn’t conquer all. That free will is our ally or enemy dependent on how fluent we are in the language of our soul. I am content in my life. In myself and in my path. I will get on a plane in a few hours and depart to Albania, and it will be within the few weeks to follow that i will be bestowed with more clarity as to my life and lessons.
I had coffee with a friend who was a ex, and i have so much respect for him. He has always had the ability to be brutally honest with me. And i can be with him. I found out he has his eyes on a girl that it was so obvious he was destined to be with, and i am so genuinely happy for him i cried with happiness that he was finally going to get the happiness and peace he deserved. He was a bit hesitate in telling me as he was friends with this girl when i was with him. But i told him that i could see it anyway and it gave me such closure as to why we didn’t work, the twice we tried. As on paper and in life we were so compatible. But his heart was reserved for someone else, and that gave me such a peaceful feeling, as i knew it wasn’t ‘me’ that was not worthy. See when your heart is reserved for someone else no matter how hard you burry it, your life will never ever be peaceful and your mind still, as your soul screams for what it needs.
I told him about my near future plans, Albania. And again i cried, as i told him “I just want someone to tell me ‘it’s going to be ok'” He grabbed me and hugged me and told me it was ‘going to be ok’ as he would always be a friend to me and if i ever need him that he would be there. We spoke for six hours we drank coffee, his black, mine cold. The brutal truth, the hopes and silent smiles, we had what we always had, honesty, love and trust. That is what you need in a friendship, and any relationship. I have that with him. I learnt so many lessons from him, and so many blessings. He asked me why i was willing to go to the other side of the world for this guy, and my answer was so simple ‘He is nothing like my ex, he does not remind me of him in any way, and i trust him so much, and he adores me, like i am a queen. He would never hurt me, he would rather slit his own throat than hurt me. I am doing it as in some ways he is my saviour.’ -My friend looked at me with the saddest eyes and smirked before his lips parted and said brutally ‘my heart isn’t the only heart that is reserved.’ In a way i think my heart is reserved, but in another i think my experiences are still so raw i am numb, as to feel at this point i would die with the severity of the pain of feeling so deeply.
“Would you marry him?” this hung in the air as i fiddled with my fingers. I would, I will, because to be loved truly is the greatest gift in life. To be safe and never have to second guess someones intentions or motives towards you is the epitome of peace and comfort. To have a friend you laugh with and adore is to never know loneliness again or drown in sadness. To have someone believe in you more than you could ever believe in yourself is what it is like to have unlimited confidence. To have a family, is what is important, a family you choose based on their principals and protectiveness is to never have to have a sense of being lost. I found everything i was hoping and looking for in a guy and in life…. i just found it in another guy. In some part I’am disappointed in others i am relieved.
Life is not just what you make it to be, but it is what you allow other to take from it and pour into it…….