I always fall in love with a smile…if its a genuine smile… it shows the soul… and .. vulnerability and it’s always beautiful. A smile is like the soul speaking …
When you are alone with someone inhaling their smell and touching their skin do you still feel alone?
When your soul sings like a broken harp and you just can’t drown the truth… what do you do?
Ask for a sign …?
I am asking for signs …. signs that what i am going to do is right …. yet my mortal eyes maybe ignoring signs … my self destructing ways may lead me down the wrong path … but if it’s the wrong path it will teach me more than the right one will… isn’t that true … for faltering faith is one that leads us merrily to our gravest mistakes
to be married is a commitment of a lifetime …. yet I am questing why ….
It’s not what we use to capture things that are beautiful or meaningful to us … but how the beauty and purity captures and changes us.
Our souls decide who we call home… and once you have tasted ‘home’, one can’t help but yearn for it … no matter even if they were placed in paradise …. home will always be the person that the soul screams, sings and exists for …. nothing and no one can ever change that ….
The smell of home, the feeling, the taste, the way the soul sleeps more peaceful when it’s home. And home for the soul will always be a person not a place. To avoid and neglect your souls ‘home’ is to be a drug addict constantly on cold turkey ….
I recently had two new Tattoos …. an the quote “I’ll see you in the next life when we are both cats” I now have etched underneath my image of Saba. Because she is beautifully longing for something she knows exists … but something that she cannot reach or touch… something she has been denied. So maybe in another lifetime she will get to go home, for good. My arm captures such meaningful tattoos and now when I return home for a few months my arms will be completed and my thighs are next …. my current boyfriend begs for me not to do it….. especially the one on my chest scrolling down on my belly…. partly because I want a autopsy incisions tattooed in staples or pucked stitching…. haha and along side the the noose on my arm and my quote “meet me in the morgue” which is also my instagram name … something about death is comforting to me…. in a way I welcome it … I think it will bring me some peace … my soul some comfort …. I am not suicidal I just do not fear death …. or dying … as I know what lays behind death … it sounds morbid. It is… but only those who know what I know, and can do what I can do, will understand the reality of death. Maybe it’s because then the yearning for my home, will in some part be satisfied…
It’s that one person that changes you forever …. that person is home. And only a ‘man’ will accept this, and not resist. Because only boys think they know better … for all the boys, I pray when you find the girl nas talks about you aren’t stupid enough to have to beg her for a second chance…. because you already know you have the girl, your future wife.
Yesterday I indugled in one of my favourite hobbies, i went urbexing, in Albania. Albania is a Urbexers paradise, it combines half finished houses where people live, to bare skeletons which rest like ghosts among the lived in houses. Then you have these buildings that due to the communist regime have been abandoned. These ones are my favourite. To play amongst the forgotten, the decay and ghosts of what ‘once was’. I told my boyfriend bout the this building i wanted to visit and due to him being Albanian he insisted on coming with me to ensure i was safe. I find this cute. Partly because of the natural instinct to protect and the fact he doesn’t know I am unlike any girl he has ever come across before. I am a total badass. I am more like a Albanian man, than girl, but he has never seen that side to me, partly because i have never had to use it because i feel safe with him. The natural human instinct when in a situation that is dangerous or threatens us, is attack. I know this all to well, i have done in countless times before. Which although I am not proud of i dare for someone else to of been in my situation and just sat there and cried. Saying that, i have never been the girl to sit and cry, I am just not that type of girl. I am a ‘tornado in a teacup’ – like that expression.
I have lived over in this country now for just over a week, and i have saved one dog that wasn’t wanted, and a kitten that was close to deaths door. My partner has been so gracious with my plight to save these animals. He asked me why i wanted to save them, and i simply replied ‘Because everyone deserves to be saved’. This is my downfall i invest in things that need to be saved, sometimes to my own painful consequences. However, Leo sat with me as i cradled the kitten, and said, ‘Hey babe, why i could not of met you sooner’ – a sentence i have heard before. In Albania, compassion, caring and kindness is valued above all other things. The character of a person is how they earn respect. They have such hearts and soul’s that they wear there human flesh more as underwear. Now there are some dodgy as fuck Albanians, but thats true for every nationality. But due to Albanian’s suffering from poverty, and despair, death and torture under the communist ruling it did, its people knows hunger, they know loneliness and hopelessness. This is what gives them the ability to share what little they have to not let others ever feel the burden they have felt. And i relate so much to this mentality and soul. They have little but they love and care a lot.
The only downfall for these people is the way they drive, there motto should be ‘Drive it like you stole it’ – The only thing that Albanians are selfish with is driving. They drive like they have places to be, yet they have 6 hours of their day spend drinking coffee. They take everything at leisure they enjoy life and food, and most of them have vegetarian dishes of food that are exquisite. I have never tasted better food than here in Albania.
The things we discard based on our;
frame of mind
is one that sets our soul on fire. As humans we believe that what we discard is acceptable based on how we feel or think. This is so backwards thinking. I have discarded people and items based on feelings and lack of knowledge. We discard a household item based upon our lack of knowledge of how to fix it and restore it. We do that with people, and their emotions also. If we cannot relate or understand the way someone is thinking or feeling we discard them, especially when a argument has ensued.
I heard a beautiful quote the other day ‘A clear conscious makes for a comfortable pillow’ – This was so true. I spend a lot of my time thinking of the past or the future and pay little attention to the now, until it throws me a curveball of some sort. My new year and growth over this last year has encouraged me to live more in the now, and to not discard anything based on my humaness. I have a meeting left with one person that will come easter of this year i can feel it in my soul. See when you spend enough time alone, you have your soul for company and you start to learn a new language. It is when you learn this language your conscious becomes a pillow of nails, or a lavender infused heaven. I am not tortured by none of my decisions as i know that the ones i need to learn again, as i didn’t learn the first time, will come around again as i am open to them.
Theres the ego and the soul, and the ego panics as it knows its time is limited and can be jeopardised so easily. The soul is patience because it knows its eternal and true to its destination. Many people preach, but few practice what they preach. And some preach and think they practice what they preach to convince themselves of their pureness, but in truth they will never gain peace and pureness until they have made a mends.
I danced around this building taking pictures and my boyfriend bitched about getting dirty, hahahaha – he finally got into the vibe of it and indulged in being free. He commented on the way i would take pictures look at them and smile, the way i walked into what must of been to him the most hideously ugly room and i commented how beautiful it was. -Its ok he knows his girlfriend is strange. And he loves me that bit harder for it, because to be strange, and innocent and pure of soul is hard to find, an Albanian should know. How we have treated others reflects on how we value ourselves- He understands this so much. What we have done to other people through the course of our lives will always come back to use times three. So what we have done to someone in one relationship will come back to us times three in another relationship, its the way of the universe and synchronicity. The only way to avoid this kick is to make true peace with those people. I know in Easter time i will have completed this for the soul ties and contracts i have in this life.
Until that time i will stay with Leo, and dance in derelict buildings, and eat beautiful food and be among people who have no motive….. just love. I can be a million different things to a million different people, but to Leo i am myself. I make him tell me stories in his language and i understand a few, we laugh, and play and he says how i remind him of a child when i play. He reads my eyes like no one else, he understands their language. We have jokes and he reads me so well … but that is because i do not hide from him…who i am or what i’am as i have no fear of him rejecting me, or betraying me. The trick is….. to love like you have never been hurt, and to trust like you have never been betrayed. Its hard, but not impossible. He makes it easier because he never makes me feel unworthy or insecure. He is my strength, and i am his weakness. A man always has a weakness, if it is not for his children it is for his woman. A Albanian man will never show weakness as they pride themselves on masculinity, but everyone knows a Albanian man’s weakness will be his woman.