Succulent alignment…

I have realised I need to escape. My home is not Wales, nothing about Wales is home or peace for me. I have realised for every time i land back in the UK i am checking my app to book the next flight out. The heaviness and dread that descends on me in wales is crippling. I travel to escape and i read while i am here to escape into a new world. But for now life has so many doors open I have been warned not to walk through any, just to wait as a few locked doors will become unlocked. This is both comforting and nerve wracking. Fear and doubts lead us to a state of stagnate existence, where they trade us what we can achieve and have, for that of which we already have. To be comfortable is what the weak use to live. To be uncomfortable being comfortable is what the cowards use to justify their life. The person who is uncomfortable but not longing to lost is the person who has made peace with his past, present and future, along with himself.

I have long felt the feeling i am lost, as i am not lost or longing, or feeling incomplete. I am not yearning or soulfully searching for anything, as i know what i have coming ….. being alone means hanging out with your soul, and learning to tune in and speak with it. I have learnt a language that is rarer than latin. So i have faith and i have trust to know what i have entering my life and who will enter it and who will come back. The problem is the knowing of ‘when’ i do not care for the how. Right now i am just waiting infront of all the open doors and watching the locked doors with intrigue. One day i will say ‘Well played universe, well played’ Until then i will be traveling through my books, on planes, in my writing and through my images, to escape where i am. I was told my head and heart and soul are out of alignment to my body. I know that, my body is here, my soul doesn’t want to be, my mind is frustrated at what to do and my heart, well god knows whats happened to that son of bitch.


Bury it …

How cowardly are you?

I think to a extent we are all cowards regarding one aspect of our lives or persona. Some are cowardly towards accepting who they are …. or becoming who they can be. Some can be cowards towards their emotions and revealing or showing them. Acting on our dreams, or ambitions. Cowards to the truth, or our destiny … cowards to faith and letting it give us our fate. Cowards in believing something …. we are all cowards of something …. and what you are w coward of is the thing that you fear the most. You fear it because it matters the most, it’s important, significant. You fear it because you know if you confront it, you will be presented with two possibilities, 1. Everything you ever wanted 2. The realisation that you will never have/become/achieve what is so important to you.

The thing with being cowardly is we deprive ourselves from the reality. Fear controls us, makes us doubt ourselves, our lives and choices, our future. Doubts eat away at our self esteem, and we ‘settle’ we settle for what does not challenge us, or frighten us. Therefore it will not change us, confronting fear, dispelling doubts, changes us as people. It changes our perspective our motives our behaviour, it enables us to grow. But first we have to be comfortable to let our old selfs and old ideas wither and die. As death is only death if you settle as then your fears die too. But death is another chance at life at being reborn if you step away from your doubts an fears and believe in what you want/deserve. Only you can have the life you want by making the changes that need to be made, and those changes are not to comfort the coward in you by feeding him doubts so you can justify ‘settling’.

If it does not set your soul on fire and feed your inspiration, satisfy that nawing hunger … then you will forever starve yourself from the only thing that will nourish your heart, mind and soul.

Anything that is important in your life will always be a factor in your life, it will either be your saviour or your demise in your life.

The greatest gift of my life is that I wasn’t afraid to be alone anymore. It was only when I was alone I was truly becoming friends with my soul. I understood a language I was too cowardly to learn before …. and in being alone I knew what it felt like to be lost and found in the same moment. It is to be loved and unloved at the same time. A journey of a coward starts with knowing why you are a coward… as then you know what’s most important to you in your life, what pieces you need in order to be complete for the lost and longing to stop…. to be at peace …

To be uncomfortably happy

When you are alone with someone inhaling their smell and touching their skin do you still feel alone?

When your soul sings like a broken harp and you just can’t drown the truth… what do you do?

Ask for a sign …?

I am asking for signs …. signs that what i am going to do is right …. yet my mortal eyes maybe ignoring signs … my self destructing ways may lead me down the wrong path … but if it’s the wrong path it will teach me more than the right one will… isn’t that true … for faltering faith is one that leads us merrily to our gravest mistakes

to be married is a commitment of a lifetime …. yet I am questing why ….


It’s not what we use to capture things that are beautiful or meaningful to us … but how the beauty and purity captures and changes us.

Our souls decide who we call home… and once you have tasted ‘home’, one can’t help but yearn for it … no matter even if they were placed in paradise …. home will always be the person that the soul screams, sings and exists for …. nothing and no one can ever change that ….

The smell of home, the feeling, the taste, the way the soul sleeps more peaceful when it’s home. And home for the soul will always be a person not a place. To avoid and neglect your souls ‘home’ is to be a drug addict constantly on cold turkey ….

I recently had two new Tattoos …. an the quote “I’ll see you in the next life when we are both cats” I now have etched underneath my image of Saba. Because she is beautifully longing for something she knows exists … but something that she cannot reach or touch… something she has been denied. So maybe in another lifetime she will get to go home, for good. My arm captures such meaningful tattoos and now when I return home for a few months my arms will be completed and my thighs are next …. my current boyfriend begs for me not to do it….. especially the one on my chest scrolling down on my belly…. partly because I want a autopsy incisions tattooed in staples or pucked stitching…. haha and along side the the noose on my arm and my quote “meet me in the morgue” which is also my instagram name … something about death is comforting to me…. in a way I welcome it … I think it will bring me some peace … my soul some comfort …. I am not suicidal I just do not fear death …. or dying … as I know what lays behind death … it sounds morbid. It is… but only those who know what I know, and can do what I can do, will understand the reality of death. Maybe it’s because then the yearning for my home, will in some part be satisfied…

It’s that one person that changes you forever …. that person is home. And only a ‘man’ will accept this, and not resist. Because only boys think they know better … for all the boys, I pray when you find the girl nas talks about you aren’t stupid enough to have to beg her for a second chance…. because you already know you have the girl, your future wife.

To seek and thee shall find…

Yesterday I indugled in one of my favourite hobbies, i went urbexing, in Albania. Albania is a Urbexers paradise, it combines half finished houses where people live, to bare skeletons which rest like ghosts among the lived in houses. Then you have these buildings that due to the communist regime have been abandoned. These ones are my favourite. To play amongst the forgotten, the decay and ghosts of what ‘once was’. I told my boyfriend bout the this building i wanted to visit and due to him being Albanian he insisted on coming with me to ensure i was safe. I find this cute. Partly because of the natural instinct to protect and the fact he doesn’t know I am unlike any girl he has ever come across before. I am a total badass. I am more like a Albanian man, than girl, but he has never seen that side to me, partly because i have never had to use it because i feel safe with him. The natural human instinct when in a situation that is dangerous or threatens us, is attack. I know this all to well, i have done in countless times before. Which although I am not proud of i dare for someone else to of been in my situation and just sat there and cried. Saying that, i have never been the girl to sit and cry, I am just not that type of girl. I am a ‘tornado in a teacup’ – like that expression.

I have lived over in this country now for just over a week, and i have saved one dog that wasn’t wanted, and a kitten that was close to deaths door. My partner has been so gracious with my plight to save these animals. He asked me why i wanted to save them, and i simply replied ‘Because everyone deserves to be saved’. This is my downfall i invest in things that need to be saved, sometimes to my own painful consequences. However, Leo sat with me as i cradled the kitten, and said, ‘Hey babe, why i could not of met you sooner’ – a sentence i have heard before. In Albania, compassion, caring and kindness is valued above all other things. The character of a person is how they earn respect. They have such hearts and soul’s that they wear there human flesh more as underwear. Now there are some dodgy as fuck Albanians, but thats true for every nationality. But due to Albanian’s suffering from poverty, and despair, death and torture under the communist ruling it did, its people knows hunger, they know loneliness and hopelessness. This is what gives them the ability to share what little they have to not let others ever feel the burden they have felt. And i relate so much to this mentality and soul. They have little but they love and care a lot.

The only downfall for these people is the way they drive, there motto should be ‘Drive it like you stole it’ – The only thing that Albanians are selfish with is driving. They drive like they have places to be, yet they have 6 hours of their day spend drinking coffee. They take everything at leisure they enjoy life and food, and most of them have vegetarian dishes of food that are exquisite. I have never tasted better food than here in Albania.

The things we discard based on our;
frame of mind
is one that sets our soul on fire. As humans we believe that what we discard is acceptable based on how we feel or think. This is so backwards thinking. I have discarded people and items based on feelings and lack of knowledge. We discard a household item based upon our lack of knowledge of how to fix it and restore it. We do that with people, and their emotions also. If we cannot relate or understand the way someone is thinking or feeling we discard them, especially when a argument has ensued.

I heard a beautiful quote the other day ‘A clear conscious makes for a comfortable pillow’ – This was so true. I spend a lot of my time thinking of the past or the future and pay little attention to the now, until it throws me a curveball of some sort. My new year and growth over this last year has encouraged me to live more in the now, and to not discard anything based on my humaness. I have a meeting left with one person that will come easter of this year i can feel it in my soul. See when you spend enough time alone, you have your soul for company and you start to learn a new language. It is when you learn this language your conscious becomes a pillow of nails, or a lavender infused heaven. I am not tortured by none of my decisions as i know that the ones i need to learn again, as i didn’t learn the first time, will come around again as i am open to them.

Theres the ego and the soul, and the ego panics as it knows its time is limited and can be jeopardised so easily. The soul is patience because it knows its eternal and true to its destination. Many people preach, but few practice what they preach. And some preach and think they practice what they preach to convince themselves of their pureness, but in truth they will never gain peace and pureness until they have made a mends.

I danced around this building taking pictures and my boyfriend bitched about getting dirty, hahahaha – he finally got into the vibe of it and indulged in being free. He commented on the way i would take pictures look at them and smile, the way i walked into what must of been to him the most hideously ugly room and i commented how beautiful it was. -Its ok he knows his girlfriend is strange. And he loves me that bit harder for it, because to be strange, and innocent and pure of soul is hard to find, an Albanian should know. How we have treated others reflects on how we value ourselves- He understands this so much. What we have done to other people through the course of our lives will always come back to use times three. So what we have done to someone in one relationship will come back to us times three in another relationship, its the way of the universe and synchronicity. The only way to avoid this kick is to make true peace with those people. I know in Easter time i will have completed this for the soul ties and contracts i have in this life.

Until that time i will stay with Leo, and dance in derelict buildings, and eat beautiful food and be among people who have no motive….. just love. I can be a million different things to a million different people, but to Leo i am myself. I make him tell me stories in his language and i understand a few, we laugh, and play and he says how i remind him of a child when i play. He reads my eyes like no one else, he understands their language. We have jokes and he reads me so well … but that is because i do not hide from him…who i am or what i’am as i have no fear of him rejecting me, or betraying me. The trick is….. to love like you have never been hurt, and to trust like you have never been betrayed. Its hard, but not impossible. He makes it easier because he never makes me feel unworthy or insecure. He is my strength, and i am his weakness. A man always has a weakness, if it is not for his children it is for his woman. A Albanian man will never show weakness as they pride themselves on masculinity, but everyone knows a Albanian man’s weakness will be his woman.

Your love I’m lost in…

The end of another year fast is upon me, and through this year passed i have found so much joy, and so much heartache. I have found comfort in strange lands and people. I sat having coffee with a friend, and i found some closure that i sought. This lead me to think of what closure i really seek, and there is one question i would love to ask a person i locked out of my life this year. But some people you learn you will never get closure from, learning to accept the apology you never got so to speak. \To forgive them so you give yourself peace. Which i have done. But through a four year relationship with someone it was fought with lies and deceit and if he were stood in front of me i would as for one question, for my own peace and out of wanting to understand the lessons he taught me. The question is “Of all the lies you told me, out of everything you kept and the lengths you went to try to hide things from me. Why go through so much effort and trouble when you could of just left.Why go to such lengths, to so many other girls when you could of just left, left me in peace to try to find your own?”Maybe one day the contact from him will come, as like magnets we always return, and slip into each others lives as if we have never been apart. I hope that when this happens again, he has learnt more than he had a month ago.

Through a lot of soul searching and growth this year i have understood my behaviour patterns. I had emails on my phone from this person and i thought about passing them on to someone else, to save her from the pain and the wasted years i had endured and the damage i am still recovering from. But, I decided to deleted them. I deleted everything. I deleted it as it is not my place to provide her with the lesson she will receive, as she needs to gain her own knowledge from her circumstances and the situation. Like i did.

People always cross our paths for a reason, he crossed mine, yet i am still unclear of the reason, although i have learnt a lot of lessons. The question i want to ask still lingers and will for years to come, as only he can provide me with that answer as only he himself knows it. I am done warping my reality to what i want it to be, that ‘love’ is something that actually sets you free, gives you wings and provides you with peace. It makes you feel complete. Love doesn’t do that, love hurts. Love hurts so much, love is not home, love is the place between ecstasy and agony, never ever achieving either state fully, just always living in hope of the ecstasy, while so often being stung by agony.

In hours, we all will descend into a new year, a full moon, a wolf moon actually. And in those hours the foundations for this year will be built, our hopes will be high and positive and our ambition will be limitless. This is the time to take into account all the things that we have learnt. I have learnt love doesn’t conquer all. That free will is our ally or enemy dependent on how fluent we are in the language of our soul. I am content in my life. In myself and in my path. I will get on a plane in a few hours and depart to Albania, and it will be within the few weeks to follow that i will be bestowed with more clarity as to my life and lessons.

I had coffee with a friend who was a ex, and i have so much respect for him. He has always had the ability to be brutally honest with me. And i can be with him. I found out he has his eyes on a girl that it was so obvious he was destined to be with, and i am so genuinely happy for him i cried with happiness that he was finally going to get the happiness and peace he deserved. He was a bit hesitate in telling me as he was friends with this girl when i was with him. But i told him that i could see it anyway and it gave me such closure as to why we didn’t work, the twice we tried. As on paper and in life we were so compatible. But his heart was reserved for someone else, and that gave me such a peaceful feeling, as i knew it wasn’t ‘me’ that was not worthy. See when your heart is reserved for someone else no matter how hard you burry it, your life will never ever be peaceful and your mind still, as your soul screams for what it needs.

I told him about my near future plans, Albania. And again i cried, as i told him “I just want someone to tell me ‘it’s going to be ok'” He grabbed me and hugged me and told me it was ‘going to be ok’ as he would always be a friend to me and if i ever need him that he would be there. We spoke for six hours we drank coffee, his black, mine cold. The brutal truth, the hopes and silent smiles, we had what we always had, honesty, love and trust. That is what you need in a friendship, and any relationship. I have that with him. I learnt so many lessons from him, and so many blessings. He asked me why i was willing to go to the other side of the world for this guy, and my answer was so simple ‘He is nothing like my ex, he does not remind me of him in any way, and i trust him so much, and he adores me, like i am a queen. He would never hurt me, he would rather slit his own throat than hurt me. I am doing it as in some ways he is my saviour.’ -My friend looked at me with the saddest eyes and smirked before his lips parted and said brutally ‘my heart isn’t the only heart that is reserved.’ In a way i think my heart is reserved, but in another i think my experiences are still so raw i am numb, as to feel at this point i would die with the severity of the pain of feeling so deeply.

“Would you marry him?” this hung in the air as i fiddled with my fingers. I would, I will, because to be loved truly is the greatest gift in life. To be safe and never have to second guess someones intentions or motives towards you is the epitome of peace and comfort. To have a friend you laugh with and adore is to never know loneliness again or drown in sadness. To have someone believe in you more than you could ever believe in yourself is what it is like to have unlimited confidence. To have a family, is what is important, a family you choose based on their principals and protectiveness is to never have to have a sense of being lost. I found everything i was hoping and looking for in a guy and in life…. i just found it in another guy. In some part I’am disappointed in others i am relieved.

Life is not just what you make it to be, but it is what you allow other to take from it and pour into it…….