Fear and its two faces ….

Its has been a while, blogging for me is like praying t a god i have never acknowledged before.

What happens when you give a person unlimited freedom? – They become who they really are. It is the same when a relationship ends, the person or the traits of who they were that you didn’t like become ever so more prominent. This i suppose is the most heartbreaking thing of a relationship, because as much as you did not like the attributes, and tried to deny them to yourself, in order to smooth over the relationship. To maintain it, no matter how unhappy it made you. When it’s over and you see the person for who they really are, selfish, self-absorbed, sleazy, and without discipline, it shows that the time you wasted trying to convince yourself otherwise is lost. The emotions you invested are lost, and the thoughts you had to fight with daily took up so much time and heartache was eventually so unavoidable because of who the other person REALLY was. We all like to convince ourselves and others we are good people. But who are we when we think no one is looking or no one will find out? That’s who we really are. We all like to think that given any type of situation we will do the right thing, but the right thing has consequences, is it the right thing for us (selfish gain) or the right thing for someone’s else ( no gain for us, just drama/trouble etc, but happiness for someone else)

The way we think of ourselves is crucial in how we attract and how comfortable we are with ourselves and others. They say the things you like about other that you hold in such high regard are the things you most like about yourself. I think this is pretty accurate. I appreciate honesty, and loyalty, i love someone ho has a good sense of humour, who loves to be creative or artistic and likes weird stuff and philosophical stuff. I like all these things about myself too. I have realised that I do actually like a lot of things about myself, based on what I like in other people. Especially emotionally, I like someone who is patience who is calm and compassionate, people who are empathic and caring is such a beautiful thing in another human. These are also things i am. The flip side, however, is that the things we dislike or even hate about other people is what we also dislike about ourselves, as we have to try very hard not to indulge yourself in this behaviour. I dislike liars because i could lie, i could lie so easily, but i refuse to…..I could be a slut, or a flirt or a sleazy girl, it would be easy for me, i am pretty talents and have a great personality. Though i chose not to indulge in something so immature and self-destructive. I dislike people who have quick tempers as it takes alot to keep mine under control as i have trained myself not to flare off.I dislike people who let their emotions run off because i can let this happen and it ends up hurting both myself and those around me.

We are complex little being. We are also in such denial about ourselves as our perspective of our self is so flawed. I got asked by my therapist to ask people who are close to me and who are not “What is your perspective of me, and my life” This is not to take on board what these people perspectives are or judgements, and correct myself accordingly. It is to see if they have the same perspective of myself and my life, in which i reflect, to them, on social media, and through my behaviours. In this process i then have a idea of what the people watching the movie of ‘Lucz’ sees and witnesses what they value and are interested in, what they like or sympathise with, what they do not like etc. SO then from that i can compare it to my perspective of myslef, as i am not viewing my story, i am essentially the one that is behind the scenes. I know the set, the characters, the storyline, the tragedy and the accomplishments, that others do not see, or which i may not share or reflect in case of rejection, judgement, and my perception of what is deem able as a accomplishment or tragedy.

Like a turtle in a shell, when i am hurt or scared i hide in it, i do not go wild, i hide, i seek safety. An interesting point i thought. But inside that hard shell is a soft and beautiful creature. A creature that knows when to hide, because of how fragile she is.

FEAR – This old friend. Is actually very healthy. Without fear, we wouldn’t know its what we wanted. To feel indifferent about someone or something shows its not what you want, its just a simply or easy thing to disregard. Fear shows we want it, we believe in its magic, the fact it will challenge us, draw out another side of us, new emotions, and a different kind of life/ experience that we have may have had something similar before …. and enjoyed and valued it in some way therefore we fear it as it was a experience that helped us grow, feel and live and change us differently to who we were before, what life was before. Fear shows interest, shows a soulful attachment to delve into what could nurture us into another world/life/ experience and happiness. If we have the courage to let us feel the fear and embrace stepping over the other side of fear.

Enlightement

If you surround yourself with cold dirt, then cold dirt is what will feel familiar … cold, dirt. If you surround yourself with warm and sand, then that two shall feel familiar. What we surround ourselves with becomes the perspective in which we perceive the world.
This is the same for whom we surround ourselves with, for if we surround ourselves with like minded people, life will be easy, and it will narrow, if we surround ourselves with people whom do not think like us, whom do not perceive the world as we do, we are enlighten. Enlightened to another culture, way of thinking, insight to the world, the revelations, diversity is the world from the ferns to the sky. They have nothing in common but the sky shall inspire the fern with its height, the fern shall inspire the sky with its cycle of colours throughout the season. Their is inspiration and englightment in everything, if you want to see it. The english langauge has the equivelent of 171,476 words. When talking to another person if you cannot use any of the 171,476 words to be kind, then maybe you should look to yourself for enlightement. A human being should be respectful to another human being. We have the same anatomical heart ….. our blood is the same colour. Our eyes as beautiful in all shades… our minds as beautiful as they are complex and unique. The thing that i love most about humans are their ability to change, to become better, more determined, to solve problems, to be kinder. We all have a soul and our soul deep down all wants us to be kind, to be loved, and to give love, and empathy and compassion. All you have to do is be enlighted to the feel and voice of your soul. Your soul is the person who wills you to do good. That if you do bad, was the deep ache and voice inside telling you not too, the voice and feeling you ignored, maybe because of your physical feelings and emotions. Emotions are physical, they can affect your soul, but they do not control your soul, only your reactions.

So … if i react poorly out of anger, it is my choice to react, this can be through being hurt, through guilt, frustration, but it will never be my soul, that will make me act with anger. If i should become upset and cry, I could cry out of frustration or physical pain, or loss, however because i have empathy this is directly linked to my soul, and i can become overwhelmed with empathy for someone and cry. This empathy can be linked to the soul as the soul is another thing all human being have, it is the coat hanger to the flesh we carry round with us everyday. The soul is energy, and sometimes we feel the energy of people before we see or know their intentions. If you feel uneasy with someone, its their energy, its their soul, it does not mean they are a bad person, as i said no soul is bad. But some people soul’s can be damaged, lost and somewhat stranded through the physical world we live in. If i was to be told every day i was worthless and i was beaten with insults and names, i could become angry at the world and other people for the way i was treated and my energy would be negative and my presences be felt as that way. I think some people are sent into our lives to help heal us, or our souls, to guide them a bit, love them a bit, and nourish them a bit. These people are the secret angels that empathise too much, love too much, care without restrictions, and only ever want the best healing for the damaged souls. But sometimes the damaged souls, lash and hurt ours in the journey of us trying to heal them. Unfortunately they sometimes never realise this, or the things we have done, the love we have purely spent, and that our scars as empaths are so much deeper than those of unaware beings.

Some times the damaged souls we are set on a path to heal will discard us when we are no longer required, and that is ok, that is their choice. Othertimes you wish that you could help them more, as their narrow minded earth brain is still not awakened and neither is their potiential. But sometimes you have to hold them out and let them go…. and hope they survive and do well with all you have given, and taught them.

It is not my fight…

2017, and its fallen away at its seems, but its not my fight. I decided to call a day on something only seven days into the new year. Why? good question, because things went back to how they were. My now, ex-partner had to work back up surrey, now this is not a bad thing as it is just a place? Yes but it’s a place where 2016 was fraught with lies and games, he became I man I despised, a person I did not want in my life. So I left him. And I knew then I done the right thing. And I know I have done the right thing again. Only this time, I can’t possibly go back. His anger and vile tongue which lashes you with names and hatred through gritted teeth. His inability to listen to reason or compromise. I didn’t change, he did. And that’s ok, It was and is a good test for me, as I knew if this person, the person I left last year as he couldn’t be trusted or spoken too returned that I could leave, and not regret my decision, even a percentage. He decided to cause an argument over a tweet, where I spoke in the third person, as I and most of the people in the world do, himself included. It was funny, because he choose to argue over this, as it made him ‘paranoid’ the tweet was “Going to bed as you’re in a funky ass mood, that makes things just seem worse” this included the hashtag Thursday, and the previous tweet read ” Fuck off today – you weren’t all that” – now I am a pretty logical person so if a person has described that the day sucked and within seconds posted about being in a funky arse mood and going to bed, I wouldn’t be paranoid over that. I would be paranoid, however, if someone who has a massive history of lying, being sly, kissing and fucking other girls and sexually picture messaging them, when to a place, where all this happened. Not to mention he normally fucks around with his clientele (girls he works on) – so yeah, ummmmmm and when this all occurs he becomes nasty, aggressive and argumentative and paranoid. As of course, if someone is fucking around, they normally are paranoid about what the other person is doing.

I find great comfort in the fact that I put a tweet up after saying how much my day sucked, and he THOUGHT, he went off his own little paranoid assumption, that it could of be aimed at another guy. No, no don’t laugh, not yet…….. it gets better because then he unfollows me and calls me a fucking monkey on social media because he wouldn’t listen to reason. Even though the night I put the tweet up, I told him I was tired. I didn’t want to go into a long ass conversation about how shitty my day was. But …….when I phone him to explain and he is instantly aggressive and unreachable I called it a day between us, as that night he was having food over his ‘friends’  and had no time to speak to me or sort it out. He told me I quote “Just go to sleep” after giving me grief about this tweet since the morning I woke up. So yeah, I am paranoid because he is back in a place where he dry humps, and fucks girls, kisses and explicit messages them and has a little whore base-up there….. but I am mental for that. I am fucking mental for that!! – Now you can laugh because he is not for the tweet. Even though the complete moron spent the whole Christmas living with me, knowing I do not talk or message any other guy. But when he lives for slags Ville where he has a lot of dirty history, I am not allowed to be insecure, or paranoid. Massively different set of ideas there right?

The thing is for as long as he is up there ….. and we are not in contact or together with the less I want to see or speak to him. The less I will be waiting around, or maybe thinking we could sort this out. Why?

because he does things and then lies about them. Then when we do get back together and I find out….. It’s sickening, that I didn’t even deserve the truth. So I will not be sat here being paranoid or insecure, I will be moving on with my life and not mourning the death of a relationship whereby my so called partner does not understand, respect, logic compromise or that being a hypocrite is not what I want in a partner. See when I left him last year because of his sleazy and lying and cheating ways I met another guy and started a relationship, and I was gifted with no paranoia, no cheating or aggressively nasty name calling insulting or degrading behaviour. So that tells me that it’s not normal to talk to someone like that…. treat them like that and make them feel so shit about themselves. I thought having another relationship with someone would actually make my ex-partner realise what he lost. It did, and up until about three weeks ago, we both agreed that me being with someone else gave him the kick up the arse he needed to sort himself out and man up.  He did, but then back in surrey, he  has turned back into the boy that repulses me. So it is not with a heavy heart I say goodbye to him. It is with a proud attitude I walk away, as I didn’t change or go back to a place that made him feel insecure because of all the girls, lies and fucking round. I simply put up a tweet saying I had a shit day, and that I was going to bed and that being in bed just made it seem worse. Funny thing is I would prefer a tweet, that would cause me a bit of concern opposed to someone physically going back to a place that instils such fear and negative feelings and thoughts to someone else. But, hey that’s just ‘mental me’ –

Thing is I won’t be crawling back to a man who calls me mental as he cannot comprehend the double standards the hypocrisy and empathise and understand the vast difference in HIM getting paranoid over a tweet because of HIS assumptions, and me not performing or going mad or crazy or as he loves to call me ‘mental’ because he went back to a place he fucked other girls and messaged and dated and dry humped a load and was sexual with  others. Maybe one day when he’s not blinded by his ignorance and selfish ways he will see this. But I won’t hold my breath. As he only realises when its too late….. only this time it really will be too late and he will have no one to blame but his attitude, his behaviour his aggressive ways.

 

So it’s 2017 and I have already upheld one of my resolutions I vowed to myself last year I would do, ‘If he dared to treat me like he did before, with a ring on my finger or not, I would leave him and walk, as I know what I deserve and want and if he cannot or won’t do it, then he is not a good contribution to my life my heart or head.

 

So it’s not my fight to fight, it’s not my fight to win. It’s my decision to walk away and in doing so I have gained more appreciation for myself and less for him. I have gained a sense of calm and a determination to not return or live out the next year like I lived last year. It’s not my fight as I refuse to fight someone so angry, immature and selfish. I rather take my fighting ‘time’ and invest it in me. I have already done two things I have booked a holiday to Mexico for me and my daughter and I have booked Cornwall for me and my daughter because family is what you invest in, as its the only thing that gives such support and love anytime it is required and even when it’s not. I am not looking for a man, to build a house with, or a boy to have a laugh with. I am looking for someone who knows and understand and holds the same principals for a family as I. Money comes and goes, friends change, but family cares and is there no matter what….. no matter who.

Enough?

The most compelling argument I encounter with myself is wrapped around ‘enough’ Such questions as “Am I enough” or “Did do enough” and “when is enough, really enough”. These are arguments we all have with ourselves only sometimes we pose them in different ways. Positive negatives usually, “Did I do too much” or “Did I overdo it”. Either way, the questioning of ourselves never stops, it may recede but it will never prevail. Therefore should one obsessed over these such questions… inevitably we all do as we are slaves to the ‘precautions’ or ‘consequences’ that comes with interacting, performing and essentially every action we extend beyond ourself. The feeling of self-worth drives these questions into a long division of possible and certain answers, but with only one definite outcome; lack of self-belief and confidence.

I am blessed to have such a solid group of people admire and relate to my photography, I am privileged to call some people across the other side of the ocean a friend. I also am fortunate enough to have anyone who knows me, adore me and my outlook. I have used a medium on which to project my vision, my perspective and my feelings. This leaves me extremely vulnerable, it also empowers me too. There is a balance to everything. Too much sweet can rot your teeth, to much brushing can damage your gums. There is the balance, and it is in the process of learning and understanding a balance that we can not question what is enough or what is not enough. Balance is the most fundamental law of gravity, therefore the sky never has to question the coverage and the sea never have to question its depth. They both stay, equally where they are and exist in a balance.

If you have bipolar you very rarely find a balance. This is now my ultimate goal, to try, and find a balance. I haven’t posted or created many photos, but I have researched and bought props and I have been inspiring and filled a notepad with ideas for shoots and projects. Therefore my balance of not actually shooting has created a different form of balance in the theory not the practical. So for 2017 my aim is to find balance in many forms.

Sparking a Journey

It’s the initial spark, of creativity, of enthusiasm or drive, once that spark is ignited it can rage. Bipolar can be described as having a million tabs on a computer open, I agree, but imagine if all those tabs lets just say ten, for now, those ten tabs are playing different songs all at one time. Then add another ten tabs, and these tabs are playing ten different movies, then another ten that are playing tutorials. Then imagine taking ten different phone calls at the same time and talking and responding to ten different people, all while these other tabs blaze at you. Hard to imagine anything more than ten songs playing at the same time? hard to comprehend? yeah, i have heard people say that. But imagine, if you can, all these open tabs and the phone calls and imagine that you are in a shop shopping, or out with friends drinking, and this is all playing. Uncomprehensible? Yeah, it’s also hell to deal with. That’s minus the added side effect of anxiety, which makes you feel like you are drowning, your breathing becomes shallow, your emotions whirlwind and rip through you like a tornado, and your heart beats so fast, that it makes you feel sick, actually sick. This is bipolar, this is also minus the paranoia of people talking about you, conspiring against you. This is exhausting for a person to deal with, reason people with bipolar end up in a manic state is to try to occupy as much of their focus they can muster into one thing, to keep active, to not be able to think, or rather listen to their thinking. The reason the lows happen is because exhaustion has taken over, the bipolar has one, and the blanket of petrol is suffocating your body, and you are just waiting again for the match to drop the blanket to ignite, just so you can feel something, other than this demonic despair. So a flash of heat can maybe trigger a manic state, so you feel euphoric and alive.

 

I am struggling massively lately with this spark, I have given up uni and i thought straight away I would be able to throw myself into the fire of creativity. It’s not happening. I spoke to my therapist and she said that with any prolonged pressure or injury, there needs to be a recovery time. So this is my recovery time, I thought I would throw myself into reading and writing and editing and photography, and my business, but I can’t. Not yet. It feels like any minor activity is a triumph, even going to the post office or out of the house. But as long as I am doing ‘something’ i am told that it is helping my recovery. So I research photographers, I look at art I am inspired, I have compiled a book of drawings which i will turn into photographs, and blog posts to accompany them. I am spending a lot of time with my Dad, as it feels safe to be around him, and my uncle. I am focusing on the day, and not the tomorrow, and I am enjoying nice hot long baths. But motivation at the moment is absent, and so is the confidence to do anything. Another perk of bipolar or manic depression. I have contemplated reducing my pill’s, and tempting a manic episode so I can kick start the motivation. Though I haven’t as I don’t want to burn out, I want to be steady, or as steady as I can be.

 

This image is to represent that although you can have many great ideas, many great aspirations and goals, sometimes the timing of achieving them is not as important as the journey in which you will achieve them.

The idea 

Like all great accomplishments they start with a idea, a concept, a seed, from which is planted, nourished and explored. When a idea is nurtured it becomes a conceivable and realistic creation. The idea can only be a thought if one has the ability to see beyond the now. No idea has ever been conceived in the future, it’s impossible. But the thought of a idea that can materialise into something in the near or distant future is one in which we should all be working towards.

I can preach this to you, but I cannot convince you, only you can convince yourself of the possibilities you can achieve. Should you want. I have decided to start a project, this project is one which I wished to start after I had finished university. But due to the amount of stress and management of my bipolar the strain of uni became to much. It consumed me to the point whereby it made everything good in my life a chore and miserable. It made me someone I did not want to be. My enthusiasm and my creativity and lust for life disappeared. My bipolar moods and anxiety intensified. And no medication helped. So I made a decision, that I would take a break from my last year and come back to it at a later date. As when I am happy and enthusiastic then everything around me and everything I do is done with love. And like a plant that’s been planted, if it is loved and nurtured it will bloom so beautiful and strong. But if it is neglected and not given ones full attention then It will weep and perish a lot quicker. It will be weak and pale. So I decided that I was to nurture myself in order to bloom. And this is ok to do, to remind yourself of why you love life.

I have decided to dedicate a year of my life to pursuing my dreams, my writing and my photography, and starting up my business. This will be a year whereby I explore a new set of skills and strengths and weaknesses of myself. I am excited and nervous but I have a supportive network of people around me. That I cherish so much and I know believe in me more than I believe in myself.

So I have decided to explore a project whereby every week I will be creating a image, sometimes maybe more than once, but I will only do so should I find pleasure in it. Within every picture I will be detailing my inspiration, my reasons, and my idea and my execution. I will blog with every picture, the weakness in the image the strength and the flaws. The reason I will do this is for myself and others. I know most people will see a image and perfection, but, this is not the case to the creator. But instead of being critical of myself and my work I will use it as a opportunity to focus on my strengths. I have a different type of photography I want to explore also. I am a surreal/conceptual/ artist. But I want to push in the direction of photography whereby I can use simple images to create maximum impact. I will do self portrait work but I am also going to branch out and start using models so I can focus on my photography and editing.

I have decided to use this project as a platform to detail and accurately portray mental health affects. The secondary affects it has and the taboo it encompasses in society and culture. Every week I will be peeling my skin off and delivering it to you on a coat hanger. I aim to do this no matter how difficult this is…. I also want to inject some positivity as I know that we can all do with some motivation. As kindness and compassion can create such unity and understanding. So I want to promote and idea …. if I can insert a idea into other people, and give them a idea, of what bipolar is, what it encompasses, how it can be managed, understood, helped, admired, or related too. Then my idea has been conceived into a accomplishment.

who are/were you?

Are you comfortable in your skin? is there a hollow or a ache, a longing or a absent sense of belonging? Yeah thats ok, i have it too. A piece of me is missing. I have my own black hole inside me. But, I am ok with that. I haven’t blogged in a long time, due to alot of reasons. When i become somewhat depressed if you will. I close down. I let very few people in. This is normal – I am told. My photography has always been a strength or resource to get me through the depression, to release the emotions the thoughts, to set them free. Before my lungs implode, from holding my breath, while screaming at myself not to cry. I learnt a very sharp lesson a few weeks ago.I was hospitalized because of previous physical problems. And in that week I learnt who everyone around me truly was. I had people who were two faced finally splatter how they felt and who they were at me. It was disgusting, and to be honest a welcomed relief. I wiped away the bitter and cynical slathering of a perspective that was projectile vomited onto me by this person. There was another person who i also let go from my life. This was a figure who comes with expectations when they are blood related, or at least paternal. But, i had alot of closure from their departure. A sense of relief and a knot that disintegrated in my stomach as soon as I saw the ‘real’ them. Again i wiped away the negativity that spat from their tongue. And like a snake shedding skin i felt anew. I decided to loose a man from my life and it was ultimately the fact that whenever i come to be in a situation whereby all i needed was emotional support, he is beyond unavailable. He was more….. ummm in a selfish coma of his own. But, there agin he always was. |I saw this man foe who he was, selfish and ignorant, and arrogant. I had seen these traits before, but they stung a little more this time.

When the fluorescent lights click off and the distant cough or shuffle of bed sheets on a ward are all you are comforted by. You realise who you actually would love to be there with you. The constant drugs through IV keep me numb enough not to scream or cry myself to sleep. The thoughts that whispered like the blue dressed ghosts on the night shift came and went. Leaving a sting in my body, somewhere. While in hospital i lost the choice. I had been told i was ‘lucky’ to survive. I had been told ‘it is time.’

It is a phrase that whirls as i go to sleep now….. ‘It is time.’ The time whereby a decision is made by you, for you. Or it is a decision made by another for you. I made so many decisions in that hospital stay. To lock two people out of my life. To welcome the one in and try to not loose him – i’m still working on that one. Also to never let myself believe or trust the intentions or words of the compulsive sleazy liar i knew didn’t care for anyone but himself and his needs. I made a decision he was a boy. He was/is/always immature, selfish and gutless. A coward to himself. I left that hospital knowing my dad loved me, even though he was estranged (through no fault of his own) for my childhood through to my adulthood. It was time to make a decision, and I did. I went to Paris and done my wedding work. I tried to make something work and I failed. Well i didn’t, just some people will never change its in their DNA. I decided to finish my last year in Uni and go to my graduation ceremony next year – I wasn’t going to go. And i have to book seats. So i decided that i want my dad to see one of my achievements, as he was denied so many. My uncle, whom is a/was a massive influence in my early years and later years in my life. Even his absences was a influence.A driving force so to speak. And my daughter as if it weren’t for her I am pretty certain i wouldn’t be here. And because she has had to sacrifice certain things while i study, and never once has she complained. The child who has given me more of everything, and anything, than i could ever hope to give.

The people in my life now are people whom I dearly love. From BBQs up my amazing dad’s, with my closest friend James, and my oldest friend Mark, to the ever surprising Justin. All of these men know me. They know me and observe me and connect to me for different reasons. These men combined have a weight to them. A sturdiness in my life. They have such vastly different backgrounds, and previous and current professions, and hobbies and interests. Yet, me my dad, James, mark and Justin sat with a current of intrigue and interest in each other. A genuine one a pure love, and energy driven by respect and principals. It would of taken my Uncle to of been there for it to be my favourite place and scene in the whole world. The lesson I learnt that night, was what comes with love. With the love I can relate too and understand. If i know someone loves me I can feel it. I can feel it in their energy their tone. And then i know i am safe. Thats all anyone wants to be, is to be loved and safe. With being loved as a child by my uncle, I felt, I was safe. A protector from the woman i called my mother. – so If freud had any theories the early childhood linking of love is a pretty solid one for me.

So now I am a month on….. I am free of cervical cancer. I am awaiting a big operation. I am at peace with the people in my life. I love and dote on each one and thank the universe every day for their existence. As I was able to compare the standards I should hold a man too, what a man ‘should’ be and what a person should hope to be. I am never going to be comfortable in my skin, locked in a purgatory with my mind. But, I am comfortable with being uncomfortable. I laugh alot, I smile at every beautiful sky. I watch the way everything can be magic if you look at it from the right angle. I am excited to close a chapter on a person I never thought i could ever possibly not want in my life. But, with what they brought with them, I am happy they took it all with them too. My anxiety is beautiful my nails are long. My quick witt is back and my dark humour. My passion for life and fun and love is seeping from every pour. I broke and now ‘It is time’ to put everything back together again. My way. For me. As thats what i deserve and i will take from the universe, everyone and everything that ignites me.

 

Finally today someone said to me “Being around you luc, it kinda feels like being around someone famous, or different – Like the way you light up, and are so raw and honestly funny. The way your are its like a bubble and when i see you in person its surreal. Its like you give me something, but you dont give me anything. I just feel good” – I am hoping that  what he said i took the right way. I am a spark, I am light, and I can make someone feel alive. Its a gift. Its what makes me, me. And those who meet me or spend anytime with me, will understand what this means. Today soothed my soul in a way i needed it lifted and rejuvenated my energy. (she says at 1am)

 

Its ok to be lost, as long as you’re not lost and hurting people. Thats not ok.