Tearing chunks…..

Whenever i blog, it is always intensely personal, some my ask why i choose to share such personal experiences or details. Like with every image i create it is a release, a release from the emotion. In each image someone will gain something, relate in some way to words or the picture. Everyone can relate to relationships, whether they be platonic, or something else. Everyone can relate to sadness as at some point our sunflower smiles has decayed like the autumn leaves. Throughout the last three years i have experienced a relationship like no other. I found such a deep connection, so powerful. I also experienced such twisted actions and I suppose as human what i endured i projected back. The truth is when is enough ever enough? When your mind has been broken, or your heart? When do you say I cannot do this no more. I say it in a moment of strong, yet my moment of weakness i wish i didn’t. And i long for what i had back. Afflicted with a unbalanced mind is a cruel twist in which fate gave me. Sometimes i can be irrational sometimes i can be logical sometimes i can be predictable other times dangerous. I think too much and love too deep. I have bipolar disorder… though the doctors now think it is personality disorder. Which one i do not care to be labelled with as each are nailed to me with things i cant control. But oh lord from the depths of my soul i wish i could. The way someone can have a best friend, loyal kind and protective to the death. That best fried with unconditional love that you could place your life in their hands. Thats what most people have, thats the relationship most have with their mind. I wonder if it is as calm and comforting as i imagine it to be. I hope that if i was granted a fairytale mine would be to own a mind not a enemy that fights me for every breath i try to gasp.

No one can understand what a mental illness is, not even those who have one i suppose, as we don’t know what its like to be ‘normal’ but for me, being normal sure looks good. People who are ‘normal’ or who do not suffer from the enemy of their mind, can understand other people as they know what its like to feel like the other person, think like the other person. Its like talking the same language. But if you have a fractured mind, you talk another language and even those who do also carry a fracture will only understand so much of what you speak. Like broken english. This effects everything, and makes everything a chore, from even thinking to not thinking, from talking to even breathing. And when you have a unbalanced mind you have these two things that have to be stabilised, a pill is never a cure, if anything its worst. Still alive but barely breathing, is how i would describe medication. It takes the edge of the pain, the edge of the thoughts, but it makes you live and watch people talk  language you wish you could learn. You resent these perfect people who look like they can have these perfect relationships, these stable lives. Then it just makes you sad. Why was i put on this earth to watch this, what punishment is this, its torture.A anti- psychotic pill and a mood stabiliser thats what i take everyday. They are sat in-front of me right now. Almost laughing at the fact i need them more than they need me, without them i’m in a hell on earth. But with them i’m in a hell on earth that makes me less suicidal, less aware… the walking dead in a way. Existing and watching others live.  Have you every thought of the way you turn music up on a hifi system, you turn it up so loud the room shakes with vibrations,nothing is clear everything is just amplified. Yeah well thats the up i get, like i’m a human whose had an amplifier plugged into me where i feel, think , hear everything 100% more than most humans, to the point of insanity. And then on a low, like a person can be paralyzed from the neck down i’m paralyzed from the neck up. My body can work, but my mind tells it no to, my mind shuts down, it hates me and itself and it doesn’t exactly switch of it just lays idle. In a state of limbo… to the point of the only thing you feel is this heavy heavy leaden feeling throughout your body. You want to almost break out of this shell and run, but you cant, because you have been injected with this serum that all hope has just left the world. The colours of everything change, as hope has gone.

When Isolation become your only friend, your thoughts however bully9ing your only comfort.  I have been told i over react i go ‘mental’ when someone hurts me, emotionally. Yes i do. Attack is the first form of defence…. in a way. But when i have thought about why i do this, i know why, because how can you expect someone who feels everything so deeply, react so mildly. The oceans depths are unknown, and its capabilities with such a unpredictable deep thing. How can you not expect a tsunami when it reacts. What did you expect a puddle? Thats kind of foolish of you. logic comes in the form of…. if something happens once, there is no certainty it will happen again. But if i happens twice it will surely happen again. So if someone expects something to happen as it has happened so many times before then logic is that it will happen again. Yet, I am told this is not logic. Maybe thats my fucked up mind, that thinks that this seems accurate. As thats what i am told. I have no logic. I would say its less about logic and more about trust. But if i cannot trust my own mind, how can i expect to trust you or yours. You don’t speak the same language as me ….remember?  How is a person to explain how it feels to another to die if they have never experienced it. I don’t even know what i am trying to say or if i am even saying it properly to a degree where i am somewhat understood.  If a person has coloured skin, its wrong and degrading to call them a nigger. And rightly so. If someone is disabled it is wrong to call them crippled or a retard or spastic. And rightly so, its degrading and humiliating. If someone has a broken mind, people call them a nut case…. a freak. People turn their backs and create more prejudice against these people than anyone else. Why? because how can you understand something you cant see or feel yourself, as a ‘normie’ Skin colour someone can understand they understand history, they understand discrimination and how a colour is irrelevant. People who see a person without a leg, could imagine how hard life might be for them. If someone has special needs, people can see the difference in their actions their appearance.

 

But what if there was a white person, who looked like a ‘normie’ ( a normal person) and they had all limbs, no appearance to assume they are incapable of the things you are. )emotions, stability, ability to process thoughts) You wouldn’t mind sitting with this person on a bus at this point, maybe even being locked in a elevator with them for 48 hours. You would assume you could have a polite, maybe intellectual or funny conversation. Or like humans do, interact to find some common ground of interest to be able to relate to this person and understand them. How about if they spoke Russian and you spoke English and neither of you could understand a word each other said. Well it would be a silent bus journey after you established you cannot relate to each other. And even a awkward 48 hours in a lift of sideward glances and  half hearted smiles.  Now what if the person ended up talking to themselves or less take it back a few steps. Say they spoke english and you did too. And as easy as you asked for their name they can disclose they have multiple personality disorder, bipolar disorder, split personality disorder, or psychosis. Well then you would be counting the stops till the bus pulled in at your stop. The elevator would become a prison where your heart would beat a little faster. And you would pray to god they had taken their medication that day, or they don’t have a episode while you are stuck in this space. You essentially would be on your best behaviour to not provoke a reaction. As most people do not know of the complexities of mental health conditions. Yet most people can name and disclose symptoms of various cancers. maybe its not a stigma maybe its a ignorance. What if this person then started talking to themselves … maybe like a religious person would in pray. This would be alarming, but a nun talking to herself in pray would not. And no doubt when you escaped the journey from the bus or the elevator i’m sure you would say to someone you knew…. ‘ I just got stuck in a lift with a nut job’  but not ‘ i got stuck in a lift with a cripple, or nigger.  Yet to degrade someone who cant change but would love to change their mental health disorder is like condemning a black person for the colour of their skin. It cant be helped.

 

Then how do these people go about living and relating to ‘normies’ they know they are different. They know they are not accepted. But do they go demanding respect or understanding, no…. they hide away isolate themselves in a corner and hope and pray they haven’t got to fight for anything else that day, as fighting with their mind and emotions is hard enough. And too much for them to deal with as it is.  If you do some how encounter someone with a mental illness be a little bit extra kind, they will appreciate it more than anyone. And never ever give or bully anyone no matter how normal they look, because they haven’t got their diagnosis of cancer, or mental disorder, or dementia or Parkinson’s nailed to their forehead. It don’t mean they aint fighting their own battles and loosing their self worth every second … as they are loosing hope.

 

If you ever have the fortune of ever falling in love with someone who has a mental health disorder…. know you have fallen for a warrior who fights every day to be as good and normal as you. Know that certain knocks will have different effects…. they can love deeper than oceans can be measured, but they can react like tsunamis when they feel something they cant control. Know that the person who doesn’t trust their own mind, has to trust you, and your mind, as like a guide dog to the blind you become their logic their reasoning. You become the calming pill no doctor can prescribe…. because no pill has patiences no pill can understand or try to….. no pill possess the ability to love, the strongest most purest emotion in the world. No pill can protect them from harm… no pill can hug you when you cry. Send you words of support, and make you smile with good times. So if you do fall in love with someone with a mental health disorder you could be their panacea… Their cure to a happier more worthwhile life. But also know it will never be easy, but if you can teach each other the language you speak, and how you love and receive love and understand that from each other …. then what other language needs to be spoke… love is a language understood by all….

 

I have a mental health disorder and it adds to me and takes stuff away from me. If i am mental, then when i am not i am funnier than most. If i am sad i am more perceptive and creative than most. If i am a nut job, then i will love and care more than most. If i am weird, then odds are i will surprise you more than most. If i am unstable chances are that i will be more thoughtful or supportive than most. I have flaws and if i cant always speak the same language as you, then just turn it into the language i can speak….. how i receive love, don’t be too angry or mad with me, as i’m probably already angry and frustrated at myself. Insulting me wont help. putting me down wont neither. Because then i will leave bruises on you, just like you have on me. Then we are just two people not in love anymore.

 

Vulnerable bones…

I do notice I do not blog as much as I should. But when I do I always received good feedback, or connect with someone reading. In a good way. So i therefore should do it more frequently. Anyway, heres the update: I have been indoors doing the majority of my shoots as I am playing with lighting a lot more. I always have people say about how I compel a atmosphere or emotion within my images. Which to me means they become more three dimensional. less of a flat image and more of a glimpse into a world a life, a piece of Art. I know I am a Artist whom expresses myself through the medium of photography and photoshop.

I find indoor shooting boring, because theres not as much to work with space wise. This is challenging, so thought I would challenge myself. Thats what being a artist is about. I am not one of these photographers either that take a hundred photos and use three or four images from that shoot. I choose one, the one i deem best. This demonstrates discipline and allows me to identify the best image, which is more professional than a series of ‘the same’ type of images. People need to learn this in photography. Anyway indoor lighting i hated as it looked so fake and set up and fixed. So i have been learning to use it more creatively less studio like. And it has become quite fun.

I also visited a abandoned shopping centre which i will be revisiting to actually  create more images in and work with, or rather practice my lighting. This place was beautiful and haunting at the same time. Unfortunately this was not in the most desirable neighbourhood and my car window was smashed. This was heartbreaking as it demonstrates the mind of society and the lack of humanity. I think the worst part was they didn’t steal anything, they simply just smashed the window. It annoyed me as this would clearly inconvenience me in my life and require me to spend money to fix a problem that could be better used. It is my daughters birthday in two weeks, my nieces in less than five days, and christmas in a week. However, for me to have to use my coat sleeve to wipe broken and shattered glass from my daughters seat for her to sit was the worst moment in my life as far as being a mother goes. As a parent you would lay your life down in less than a heartbeat, defend and protect to the death your child. This incident however i could protect my daughter physically from harm, of the glass as i laid my coat down for her to sit upon. I could not protect her from the reality of humanity, or lack of it. The way in which humans think it is right or just to do this to someones property. To make someone so distressed, to do something and have such little conscious or understanding or even remorse for their actions. This was no accident this was malicious. And it upset me because of this. I did post a picture on my Facebook. And although my faith in humanity was broken, Facebook has ensured that it was restored. I had such a outpouring of support and of kind words and beautiful gestures of help, i actually cried. I didn’t cry over the car, but I did over the goodness in humans.

 

I showed my daughter the messages and kind gestures from Facebook, because more importantly than me being comforted she needed to be. To know that for the fucker that done that to my window, there was many more good people in the world. This she needed to see as this is what she should expect from people and nothing less. Thats for every one person who makes you feel shitty, there are a million more that want to help you and make you feel better.

 

When a few close friends found out about this they pulled through so much for me and have really helped. My partner also has offered to pay for all the damage. And has been so supportive letting me use his car, offering to take my car up to his friend to fix and i can keep his until mine is done. Thankfully however a mechanic i know has gone out of his way to source the glass. As its a convertible it is hard to get hold of and the fact it is a VW beetle. Who has also offered to lend me a car and have mine fixed by Sunday the latest. All for a ridiculously low price. Which he won’t received as i will be sure to tip him a lot for his generosity and humanity. So despite  my bad week, which also seen me full up with a cold and have little bit of a black eye as the shopping centre was so dark i walled into a steel rack…….It hurt so bad. But i got some cool pictures, and I also will be going back and instead of leaving my car there a friend said they will look after my car in the car park while i go into shoot. See this is humanity this is compassion this is consideration this is what the world should be like, then war  and malicious behaviour would be a word, not a consequence. And who knows it may even be taken out of the dictionary as no one would feel the need to use the word to describe such a situation or people.

 

I suppose a world like that would be lovely, but …………….. impossible as the seven deadly sins actually are a part of being human. Though so is being conscious enough not make good and bad decisions is also why humans are supposedly more superior than our primates.  Well some of us are.

Hopeless romantics…..

Every body has a weakness, and I guess i found mine. I read a beautiful quote once, and it said, ‘He asked her if she believed in love,’ and she replied. “Yes, its my most elaborate form of self harm.”

To me those few words, summed up to me what i put myself through when i love someone. Love can harm you in the most cruel and unforgiving ways, the insecurities that stay with you a lifetime. And yet, even knowing this you still allow yourself to fall in love. Its that pit in which we all climb, after we have healed ourselves from a love that has ended, and every day we grow stronger, and happier and more confident. We get to a point whereby we can never imagine having that, longing, lost, dis-attached feeling. Anxiety is choking you and questions needing answers are suffocating you. That stage where food have no flavour, music has lyrics so powerfully relatable that you break down in public places. You hate your own company but you need to be alone as you cant put up with anyone else. Yeah, when you are in this stage you can never, ever imagine being happy again. But it does come, one day at a time. Never look too much into the future, just remember to breath, and count your footsteps, cross off the days and know the pain will subside, but the scars he handed you will stay longer than that beautiful bouquet.

Finding me….

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I’m falling off the radar. I find technology such a powerful tool, to communicate and spread such messages across the world. I have never been such a fan of social media I find it intrusive, and fake. I love the blogs I write but Facebook and Twitter I find pitiful and boastful. …people feeding their own egos with the perfect selfie basing popularity on likes.

So I have decided I have a few phone numbers and they have my house number.  To get in touch with me, I have also created a nobody Facebook in order to manage my photography page on fb. But I am deleting my Facebook account. And as of tonight I shall be switching my phone off and not touching it for at least a week. Or until I come back from Oxford. Because I am fed up of anticipating to take my phone incase someone phones or texts or I miss a call from a client or a friend. It’s a tie ….. and I want this summer to be one I remember for the way the breeze felt….the sunset skies danced and the way in which the only thing I try to update is my perspective of how beautiful and freeing a world without a mobile phone stuck to your arm is. So this summer I am free. I have lots of shoots planned. I have booked holidays away ….With my darling friend charlotte and we agree phones are banned. I coukdnt be happier ……. I have my Polaroid camera to capture memories and places …..which I adore the hues of the instant camera is something my eyes have a orgasm over…..so as of tonight I’m phone free…..

Emancipated as it were…

Series ……..concept and Time.

Time, its a funny thing, some of us are tied to it, others not. Some of us make time our priority others just tend to go along without no rush or care…. I am a bit of both. But since the dawn of time man has always been somewhat living by time. Before a watch/clock it was always told by the position of the sun. How beautiful, to look to the sun, to mother nature and see what time she decides it to be. Opposed to the mechanism of a ticking man made bit of steel.

Therefore i have decided to do a series on TIME

I have decided to do a candid series, as when people are relaxed their aura, their appearance and their projection of themselves change, sometimes so dramatically. There was a scientific study that when people are given a mirror in which to look at themselves and their brainwaves and muscles were monitored. And the results show that as soon as they were given a mirror their expression and stance changed, even for themselves when no one else was in a room they altered the way they look their appearance, emotional state to see a pleasing reflecting. I find this bizarre as i do not give a rats arse what i look like most of the time.

So with tis tied in i have decided to do CONCEPTUAL MIRROR SERIES and a CANDID series. Which i am also thinking of doing a follow up series of actually UNCANDID with the same people, just to show the difference.

Obviously with any type of series you have to do a BLACK AND WHITE series so that is a given.

WIth regards to my last blog post regarding personal art, and art in general i havent quite nailed what i want to achieve from this series, yet. SO although this is a given series the outcomes and exact photos i have in mind are still a bit fuzzy. Though with putting alot of thought into the ART series and talking about Cezanne yesterday i have decided that i am going to do a ‘take’ on the pieces of art that have heavily influenced me. In the way i fall in love with art, admire the technical precision and complimentary colours, the conscious proportions, the light that has been man made and created but looks as if mother nature has lent a hand. SO i will RE-CREATE the images i have been inspired by, but obviously give it my own twist, which will obviously end up as a dark art piece.

so ART INSPIRED RE-CREATION is another series.

I havent decided how many series i want to do yet but i know they have to be things to take me out of my unusal style.

I have BOKEH

INVISIBLE

INSECT – not as real animals and insects, this one will have a great conceptual twist.

I was also contemplating submitting a image to dark beauty competition based on ‘secrets’ unfortunately i know the artist’s work who will be judging and its very conceptual fashion based and that is clearly not my style at all. ITs not at if I am not going to enter as i will not win, its the fact i dont like that genre an i know that will be favoured over other genres. So for now i think i will leave it be mulled in my mind.

IF there are any spelling mistakes in this I apologise, i find after writing it, on a white background with black text and the lighting of the computer my eyes literally give up and everyword starts to swirl and basically perform a salsa dance. WHich means I literally cant de-code anything i have written, but i notice all of these mistakes when i publish this work and it appears on a black background. Then only then can i read what i have wrote, thats Irlen syndrome for ya.

V ………for Vendetta…

V..... for Vendetta

So the photography world, full of inspiring one of a kind images, and bad replica’s. The world of photography has its humble photographers and its fame hungry egotistical ones. Such is life. When a following of a specific ‘photographer’ is over shadowed by other ‘pursuits’ in which they have gained recognition. And still endorse these within their photography to enhance their reputation over their skills it is some what disappointing to those of us whom have started from scratch and have gained a genuine following through nothing else but our work and vision within the artistry of the photography sphere. Therefore no matter what way in which someone gains recognition their platform was always that of other means. It is normally these photographers that slate, and criticise and judge other peoples work the most. Which is something i find amazing considering they have a disillusioned version of their ‘starting point’ and their ‘work’ alongside their absolutely meaningless conceited opinions.

On the other hand it also provides other photographers with the opportunity to put their work out their to show them how it is done ‘properly’.

on a unrelated note of my observations of tragic behaviour and opinions, today is the 21st of June which means by tomorrow Wales will be a more beautiful place. This is something that has made me smile like crazy for the last couple of days. A celebration has been put in place to mark this event. And my summer will be perfect ……… lots of shoots, a few weekends away and obviously a lovely holiday with my favourite people in the world. Also i have received four requests and deposits for my new business which has proved to be more sort after than i anticipated. But it is doing something i adore  therefore my life is complete.

The day I washed away with the blood of tomorrow….

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Well this week has been a hard week, a rollacoaster of ups and downs. Thankfully with the supportive boyfriend and loving daughter. It is amazing what we take for granted, what we think ‘will always be there’. Yet little do we know what life and fate has planned. Some of us are so consumed with the busy lives we lead, we dont stop. Pause, and take a moment to see what we have around us. What is beautiful, what needs changing, and what needed a little bit more attention. I have been lax with my photography, but it is not through lack of devotion, i regularly look of flickr and pour over works of art that inspire me. But something inside me is not as balanced as it should be. I have a very hectic life, and I change roles constantly. From being a mom, cleaner and cook, during the week. To a carefree girlfriend on the weekend, and a photographer and editor in between. Also having to fit in time and change roles to tidy the garden for the summer construct a shed, and hack away brambles that have invaded my garden when i was not looking, when i was too busy with something else. Then i have to be a student for university and night school, and a sister, and a daughter and a aunt. The list is never ending, and within all these roles changes and personality alterations that come with it I often forget me. The most important person, me. So this summer through my photography and my wants and needs, i will find me.

I think it is so important to be human, and to be human means to enjoy your life your pleasures, not to be a commodity of society but just to be.

So ii decided that i will start a new 52 week project as my last one was so stressful because of my work load i never enjoyed it. So now i can ….. a themed 52 week project. Whereby anyone can chuck a theme at me, and i have invited other photographers and non photographers to join in. For fun, for the pleasure, because even as adults why should be loose our element of excitement, to not try new things, just stay in a comfort zone. I have had some amazing support from great photographers to be part of this. So I am excited to see the diversity the confidence that will grow from others with this type of project….. as I dont believe a 52 week project is personal. Not when you put the images public.