I dated a psychopath…. 

Some people come into our lives and leave such a profound effect, in a positive or negative way. Unfortunately I dated a psychopath, literally, I have discovered he had all the traits of a clinically diagnosed pyschopath. It started four years ago, and after nine months I found out he had been messaging other girls. I forgave him, and then two months later I found out he had been leading a double life with his ex. Mine during weekdays and she would go down his on the weekends that I was working. Our relationship spiralled and a triangle of damaged ensued. I do not blame his ex even though she could of been more respectable in the situation and spoken with me. Instead a year long head fuck ensued. He would lie to her, lie to me. Tell me she was a psychopath and was trying to ruin our relationship. He also said the same to her about me. Every time I would end it within days he would set up a fake profile and contact me via social media. Every time I blocked his number he would use a pay phone, every new number I got, he would get hold of it. In a year I went through 17 different numbers. And broke up with him countless times over his pathological lying. But he could charm the knickers off a nun. He has always been a sleazy fucker. I found so many explicit messages on his phone to random girls. Each time he would give me a sob story make out it was my fault as I was not giving him the attention or affection he craved, I felt bad. So I would try to do more, I always seemed to have to keep his attention and compete with other girls. I didn’t trust him and I would be paranoid. He showed such little remorse and empathy for the mental frame of mind he had put me in. 

This wasn’t the problem so much as I saw such a sweet and thoughtful side to him. He was egotistical and would say ‘I can make any girl fall in love with me’ I thought this was a disgusting way to behave, and I told him so. After two and a half years I decided to break away as he would not stop messaging, flirting and hooking up with other girls. He had no self control and no self respect. And I lost all respect for him. How could I be proud of the man I was with when he didn’t respect me or other women or himself. I started seeing someone else after three months. And he was so annoyed and depressed about this. As a naturally caring person I told him that he had caused this and had no one to blame but himself. But like any pyschopath he never accepts the true stem of the blame. 

He seemed so genuinely heartbroken and so genuinely gutted. And I felt bad. I knew he had such a good sweet side, now I see how fake that was and how powerful he was at manipulating. He manipulated everyone from people who he met to people he wanted something from, attention or to do a tattoo on. He would flirt with them lead them on and then when he got what he wanted he would blank them. The thing with a psychopath is they have a almost natural ability to intrigue you and hold your attention, make you feel special. He would, he could do that so easily. And I took the way he could be so sweet and so lovely as the pure side of him. He needed me, he didn’t love me. Someone who loves you does not treat you in such ways. I would never be able to accept his truth. Because it’s was not the truth, it was a version he would want me to believe or maybe he actually believed. I caught him out with so many girls. He would tell me nothing had happened and I have found out how he had slept with so many girls. Though ironically when I started a relationship with someone else he actually mad me feel so bad when I ended it with that person and got back with him. He would say how horrid I had made him feel, how much damage I had done, yet all the while massively underestimating the damage he had done. But here’s the funny thing, you can not argue and ever be right with a psychopath as they live in a different reality to you. They don’t empathise, they don’t see anything from anyone else’s opinion or experience only their own. 

He had a bad childhood, so I would put his anger down to insecurities from childhood. They weren’t insecurities they were just his unresolved issues and his true nature. He had no patiences for anyone who would disagree with him. He had no time for anyone who would not benefit him in anyway. But he liked me, as I was very empathic I was very challenging and intelligent and would catch him out. To him I was a challenge it was as game, and he always thought he was above everyone else, he would call any other guy a ‘mug’ or a ‘groupie’ and say how pathetic they were …. this was because they challenged everything about him, they were good people. And should I dare to see that, I would see even more of his flaws. He had no friends, and didn’t bother with his family. 

He had no male friends as they would of seen straight through him. Female friends he could not have either as he did not know how to be friends with a female without using them to his sick advantage for attention and sexual gratification. And they were so easily manipulated they didn’t pose much of a challenge, like a lion playing with a mouse. 

When I confronted him ever about any of his sexual encounters I would be met with nastiness and lies and blame on me. If we argued within hours he would be messaging another girl with dick pics and flirting. When he got fed up with that girl he would always come back… and I was the idiot that took him back, believing this time he had learnt his lesson. He never did and never will. Because he travels for work he has freedom and no self control. Not a good mix for anyone. Every time I thought he was being faithful or being real, he was just biding time, he didn’t change as a person no matter how good I was or patience or understanding. He just changed tatic the game was still being played. Some people would think ‘oh he’s a fuckboy’. No he is a pyschopath. 
I could only get the truth by actually messaging other girls and asking them. And unfortunately although they had no loyalties to me I got more of the truth than I ever did off him. Which is fine. It shows what type of person he is. Unfortunately sometimes he would tell the girls I was a ex or I was a stalker obsessed with him. 🤣  and sometimes they would believe him, like I said he has charm and is a skilled manipulator. Then I would have the girls eventually when he disposed of them as they served him no purpose no more, message me and say that they actually lied to me, because he asked them too and because he said these things about me. He would call me a psycho for messaging these girls, and be smug when they lied for him. WHO DOES THAT. Then he would make me feel bad for not believing or trusting him. Yet when I found out then that they had lied and he had lied and confronted him with the truth and evidence he would rage. 

Now, I am not a stupid person, despite this actually sounding as if I am. But when you love and care for someone you do not want to see their evilness. Not when they are so skilled at showing you such a beautiful person too. I fell in love with a pyschopath. And he damaged me more than anyone else I have ever and could ever meet. It’s easy for a pyschopath to move onto to new victims and you’ll find they never have a friendship or relationship with anyone including family  that has been sustained over a long period of time. Why? Because they cannot sustain a pure relationship of any kind. They only see people for gain, like a hunger that they need satisfying. When the hunger has been satisfied they know the hunger will strike again so they always have someone else lined up. Life and love to them is a series of gains, and they do not take kindly to being challenged or defeated.  They will work extremely hard in their profession or passion to be the BEST they can be, because they can’t stand to not be admired or looked highly upon. They are powerful people and they need to feel it, otherwise they actually become more self destructing. They will do anything to be seen as the best and will always get what they want, by any means necessary. 

There was a time when we would break up and I would pine for him as he was somewhat my best friend. After finding out so much now, there is no longing. There is nothing. It’s taken 4 years to break free …and see him for what he truly is. And for me to finally say, wow I am not the problem here, he is. Nothing was ever enough for him. No one will ever be enough for him. He will constantly want more, he will never be a committed person to anyone, as he can’t even commit to himself. 

The scars of our past and how we treat people will stay with us for a lifetime and karma will give you back more than you put out. His meaningless sex with random girls, his random sexual gratification, it is all a empty gain. At the end of it he will be such a damaged person his soul will emit this and his vibe will drive away anything good from his life. He will end up diseased, and lonely, even if he is in a relationship with someone he will still be lonely and unhappy. He will keep messaging other girls and self destructing. He is his own worst enemy as he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour or actions. But that is ok longer my problem. And I no longer want to save or help him, which is something that kept me with him far too long. 

His new girl knows nothing of him, and his ability to act so cold and so mean to her has yet been proved…. I feel sad for her … for while she is being loyal she has no idea of his patterned behaviour. See the thing is if it happens more than twice there is a pattern …. and a pattern is not easily broken as it is engrained in your mind frame. And if he justifys his actions and behaviour to himself then he is right. And he never shows remorse….. why? Because he has justified it already to himself. 

I am healing myself an not sleeping around, I do not want or need attention to feel attractive or validated. I do not need to rely on the opposite sex to like me or boost my ego. I respect myself more than that. I respect myself enough to work out the issues I have now with trust and men. I will heal myself and my mind frame. I will enjoy myself by being myself and being the pure and caring person I am. I need not impress no one else, but myself. Because I am essentially my own best friend. I am working on my self esteem and confidence as a pyschopath definitely strips that away from you. I am happy to live my life alone, until I meet someone who is essentially as spirituality intuned with themselves as I will be. 

And my pyschopath ex? He will go from girl to girl, country to country, seeking and searching for something that will satisfy him. Unfortunately he will have failed relationships upon failed relationships and they will all be because of his pyschopathic personality and inability to identify an feel anything pure. He will essentially create a hell for himself inside himself that he will never be able to flee from… no girl or place or country will be able to take that feeling of desperate lonlieness away. One day I hope to hear he has sought professional help. Because all he will leave behind is a lot of damaged people, because of how damaged he is and damaging he can be. 

I know now I have a very bright and healthy future. As I can fix myself as I know what is wrong, what damage has been done as I am brave enough to acknowledge my flaws, the ones I have naturally and the ones that have been inflicted on me. And I choose not to inflict my issues or insecurities on anyone else at this stage in my life. As no one else deserves it. And when I do decided to date at least I will have a more promising future of a relationship than he will have. I will have resolved issues and be able to be myself, not a manipulated  version of myself to suit someone else’s gain. I won’t have crippling anxiety either …. 

People come and go in our life… and sometimes letting go of someone is less damaging than holding on. Some people do not change, will not change, and don’t know how to change. In order to break a cycle you have to first see it, and then want to break it. Emotional and mental abuse is more damaging than physical abuse as it’s leaves no visible scars, just insecurities and trauma. I have never had to have therapy after a relationship, but with a pyschopath, you need therapy. 

I always thought me and him had something special. The revelations that I have found out have finally helped me to realise how damaged and disgusting he is as a person. I am repulsed that I had ever loved him, and stayed so long. But I did because I didn’t want to believe I fell in love with a actual monster. And real monsters don’t hide in shadows or under your bed, they are in human form and they destroy your head. I was not a angel, but I was faithful and true, I  was paranoid because of what he had caused, and I was never the best person I could of been when I was with him as he encouraged a needy and panicked side of me that obsured the person I truly am. I lost myself loving someone else. I lost my faith, trust, confidence and my light, I lost everything good about me, because I tried to offer it to him and he destroyed it. But it is so natural for me to me a loving, and caring person, who is not malicious or devious. So I know I will embrace that fully and build on it completely. As that is the real me, the one who cares too much and never gives up. 

If I had to give him one last sentence … it would be ‘I hope they have mercy on your soul’ – I do not believe in god, but whoever handles the souls, they need to have mercy on his. As I am not the first person who has loved him and he has destroyed and I doubt I will be the last. 

Advertisements

Enlightement

If you surround yourself with cold dirt, then cold dirt is what will feel familiar … cold, dirt. If you surround yourself with warm and sand, then that two shall feel familiar. What we surround ourselves with becomes the perspective in which we perceive the world.
This is the same for whom we surround ourselves with, for if we surround ourselves with like minded people, life will be easy, and it will narrow, if we surround ourselves with people whom do not think like us, whom do not perceive the world as we do, we are enlighten. Enlightened to another culture, way of thinking, insight to the world, the revelations, diversity is the world from the ferns to the sky. They have nothing in common but the sky shall inspire the fern with its height, the fern shall inspire the sky with its cycle of colours throughout the season. Their is inspiration and englightment in everything, if you want to see it. The english langauge has the equivelent of 171,476 words. When talking to another person if you cannot use any of the 171,476 words to be kind, then maybe you should look to yourself for enlightement. A human being should be respectful to another human being. We have the same anatomical heart ….. our blood is the same colour. Our eyes as beautiful in all shades… our minds as beautiful as they are complex and unique. The thing that i love most about humans are their ability to change, to become better, more determined, to solve problems, to be kinder. We all have a soul and our soul deep down all wants us to be kind, to be loved, and to give love, and empathy and compassion. All you have to do is be enlighted to the feel and voice of your soul. Your soul is the person who wills you to do good. That if you do bad, was the deep ache and voice inside telling you not too, the voice and feeling you ignored, maybe because of your physical feelings and emotions. Emotions are physical, they can affect your soul, but they do not control your soul, only your reactions.

So … if i react poorly out of anger, it is my choice to react, this can be through being hurt, through guilt, frustration, but it will never be my soul, that will make me act with anger. If i should become upset and cry, I could cry out of frustration or physical pain, or loss, however because i have empathy this is directly linked to my soul, and i can become overwhelmed with empathy for someone and cry. This empathy can be linked to the soul as the soul is another thing all human being have, it is the coat hanger to the flesh we carry round with us everyday. The soul is energy, and sometimes we feel the energy of people before we see or know their intentions. If you feel uneasy with someone, its their energy, its their soul, it does not mean they are a bad person, as i said no soul is bad. But some people soul’s can be damaged, lost and somewhat stranded through the physical world we live in. If i was to be told every day i was worthless and i was beaten with insults and names, i could become angry at the world and other people for the way i was treated and my energy would be negative and my presences be felt as that way. I think some people are sent into our lives to help heal us, or our souls, to guide them a bit, love them a bit, and nourish them a bit. These people are the secret angels that empathise too much, love too much, care without restrictions, and only ever want the best healing for the damaged souls. But sometimes the damaged souls, lash and hurt ours in the journey of us trying to heal them. Unfortunately they sometimes never realise this, or the things we have done, the love we have purely spent, and that our scars as empaths are so much deeper than those of unaware beings.

Some times the damaged souls we are set on a path to heal will discard us when we are no longer required, and that is ok, that is their choice. Othertimes you wish that you could help them more, as their narrow minded earth brain is still not awakened and neither is their potiential. But sometimes you have to hold them out and let them go…. and hope they survive and do well with all you have given, and taught them.

who are/were you?

Are you comfortable in your skin? is there a hollow or a ache, a longing or a absent sense of belonging? Yeah thats ok, i have it too. A piece of me is missing. I have my own black hole inside me. But, I am ok with that. I haven’t blogged in a long time, due to alot of reasons. When i become somewhat depressed if you will. I close down. I let very few people in. This is normal – I am told. My photography has always been a strength or resource to get me through the depression, to release the emotions the thoughts, to set them free. Before my lungs implode, from holding my breath, while screaming at myself not to cry. I learnt a very sharp lesson a few weeks ago.I was hospitalized because of previous physical problems. And in that week I learnt who everyone around me truly was. I had people who were two faced finally splatter how they felt and who they were at me. It was disgusting, and to be honest a welcomed relief. I wiped away the bitter and cynical slathering of a perspective that was projectile vomited onto me by this person. There was another person who i also let go from my life. This was a figure who comes with expectations when they are blood related, or at least paternal. But, i had alot of closure from their departure. A sense of relief and a knot that disintegrated in my stomach as soon as I saw the ‘real’ them. Again i wiped away the negativity that spat from their tongue. And like a snake shedding skin i felt anew. I decided to loose a man from my life and it was ultimately the fact that whenever i come to be in a situation whereby all i needed was emotional support, he is beyond unavailable. He was more….. ummm in a selfish coma of his own. But, there agin he always was. |I saw this man foe who he was, selfish and ignorant, and arrogant. I had seen these traits before, but they stung a little more this time.

When the fluorescent lights click off and the distant cough or shuffle of bed sheets on a ward are all you are comforted by. You realise who you actually would love to be there with you. The constant drugs through IV keep me numb enough not to scream or cry myself to sleep. The thoughts that whispered like the blue dressed ghosts on the night shift came and went. Leaving a sting in my body, somewhere. While in hospital i lost the choice. I had been told i was ‘lucky’ to survive. I had been told ‘it is time.’

It is a phrase that whirls as i go to sleep now….. ‘It is time.’ The time whereby a decision is made by you, for you. Or it is a decision made by another for you. I made so many decisions in that hospital stay. To lock two people out of my life. To welcome the one in and try to not loose him – i’m still working on that one. Also to never let myself believe or trust the intentions or words of the compulsive sleazy liar i knew didn’t care for anyone but himself and his needs. I made a decision he was a boy. He was/is/always immature, selfish and gutless. A coward to himself. I left that hospital knowing my dad loved me, even though he was estranged (through no fault of his own) for my childhood through to my adulthood. It was time to make a decision, and I did. I went to Paris and done my wedding work. I tried to make something work and I failed. Well i didn’t, just some people will never change its in their DNA. I decided to finish my last year in Uni and go to my graduation ceremony next year – I wasn’t going to go. And i have to book seats. So i decided that i want my dad to see one of my achievements, as he was denied so many. My uncle, whom is a/was a massive influence in my early years and later years in my life. Even his absences was a influence.A driving force so to speak. And my daughter as if it weren’t for her I am pretty certain i wouldn’t be here. And because she has had to sacrifice certain things while i study, and never once has she complained. The child who has given me more of everything, and anything, than i could ever hope to give.

The people in my life now are people whom I dearly love. From BBQs up my amazing dad’s, with my closest friend James, and my oldest friend Mark, to the ever surprising Justin. All of these men know me. They know me and observe me and connect to me for different reasons. These men combined have a weight to them. A sturdiness in my life. They have such vastly different backgrounds, and previous and current professions, and hobbies and interests. Yet, me my dad, James, mark and Justin sat with a current of intrigue and interest in each other. A genuine one a pure love, and energy driven by respect and principals. It would of taken my Uncle to of been there for it to be my favourite place and scene in the whole world. The lesson I learnt that night, was what comes with love. With the love I can relate too and understand. If i know someone loves me I can feel it. I can feel it in their energy their tone. And then i know i am safe. Thats all anyone wants to be, is to be loved and safe. With being loved as a child by my uncle, I felt, I was safe. A protector from the woman i called my mother. – so If freud had any theories the early childhood linking of love is a pretty solid one for me.

So now I am a month on….. I am free of cervical cancer. I am awaiting a big operation. I am at peace with the people in my life. I love and dote on each one and thank the universe every day for their existence. As I was able to compare the standards I should hold a man too, what a man ‘should’ be and what a person should hope to be. I am never going to be comfortable in my skin, locked in a purgatory with my mind. But, I am comfortable with being uncomfortable. I laugh alot, I smile at every beautiful sky. I watch the way everything can be magic if you look at it from the right angle. I am excited to close a chapter on a person I never thought i could ever possibly not want in my life. But, with what they brought with them, I am happy they took it all with them too. My anxiety is beautiful my nails are long. My quick witt is back and my dark humour. My passion for life and fun and love is seeping from every pour. I broke and now ‘It is time’ to put everything back together again. My way. For me. As thats what i deserve and i will take from the universe, everyone and everything that ignites me.

 

Finally today someone said to me “Being around you luc, it kinda feels like being around someone famous, or different – Like the way you light up, and are so raw and honestly funny. The way your are its like a bubble and when i see you in person its surreal. Its like you give me something, but you dont give me anything. I just feel good” – I am hoping that  what he said i took the right way. I am a spark, I am light, and I can make someone feel alive. Its a gift. Its what makes me, me. And those who meet me or spend anytime with me, will understand what this means. Today soothed my soul in a way i needed it lifted and rejuvenated my energy. (she says at 1am)

 

Its ok to be lost, as long as you’re not lost and hurting people. Thats not ok.

They are alive……

Its a one oclock blog again. I wonder why I do these blogs. I wonder who reads them, if anyone, and what they think. These are seconds that last for a moment and i am cautious of what i say. Then like the ticking of a clock my fingers sing on a keyboard and everything pours. I don’t like to think too much. As its never good. Not for me anyway. Relationships are funny things, you take two humans. These are from different walks of life, different values and experiences and throw them together. I always view the start of a relationship as a ……. Child playing with clay. When she has moulded her visions she then plays with them in her imaginary world of pretend. I think thats what we do, or I at least. I have a pretend world where i have made my clay man. To keep him there i have to play fair. To keep him strong and not for him to crack and crumble i have to understand the way he was made. But i don’t. I don’t understand me. So I am at a loss before i could ever conceive to win. Then in my pretend world everything is great. We can mould each other and smooth over the cracks. But in actuality it doesn’t get smoothed over. I choose my human and decided to love him and play with him in my pretend world. But i knew reality would make him crumble. I am just convincing myself i am now unloveable. Its not really the greatest ego boost that my ex cheated on me for two years and for the last year he still couldn’t be faithful. He would flirt with girls and send such pictures i would find out and feel sick. He handed me complex after complex and insecurities that made me shake.  Then i met another man, he was broken and not whole. I think i attract them you know.

I always saw a relationship of a somewhat unity. A team. If i was going to war the person i was with i would want on my platoon as i know they have my back. Yet i dated a guy a bullet, thats engraved and i wear it around my neck. It has a message inscribed but it was in the language he knew so a lie. I decided that I would wear it not because i love him, but because it was one of the many bullets in his gun that killed me and made me weak. But At least i knew he would never leave me. Then i met this other guy. No insecurities, no girls perfection could of been a good word. But then i spiralled and i fell and i descended to hell. Now my demobs are happy as they have me back. It was quiet lovely really how they welcomed me back. They stay up all night with me, and if ever i need company they are always there. I married demons so i can never marry a man.

I confided in a friend of what made me spiral. And as a friend does they show concern. It was nice to acknowledge the disease i have investigated and learnt thats eating me. Ooooooooh no this time its not my mind. This time its not my bipolar. I think if it wasn’t for my bipolar i maybe worse. I have the disease that consumes so many and that the word alone instills fear. It actually made me freeze. My blood ran so cold a splinter of ice must of pierced my heart, as i gasped for air. Cancer i dare. The womanly parts of me are being eaten alive. Im twenty nine and i have a unbalanced mind and a disease eating me alive. The insecurities rise and i feel bile thrown at the back of my throat. I could cry but i haven’t yet. Not over the thing that i just learnt. I think i’m numb or still coming to terms with this vile thing harbouring inside my womb. Like a spawn of satan i’m nurturing it and letting it feed on me. I am a beautiful host.  I actually can feel my breath unsteady as i filter through this truth. I admitted this two two people. Two which i trust and love and know would do anything to see me smile. But still i sit here in my ex boyfriends zip through hoodie, it faintly smells of him. Wearing dungarees bought for me as a sorry from the cheating ex, and the things i am wearing which look the best are fresh scars. Another chapter of my fucked up life. There was a time where my life was quiet happy and calm. Oh dear lord i wish for that again so bad. The marrow of my bone ache for it. They also ache for a warm embrace. But i know to be hugged would leave this little fighter with a tear stained face.

When it was revealed what i now have to face the cancer of a woman’s delicate place I was shocked nad scared then last night at 5 am i sat out my back garden. The stars weren’t too bright, but the warmth of the night kept me company. The sounds of cars passing on the road behind me made me smile. I wonder how their life differes from mine. I thought about writing, but couldn’t bare to hold my favourite pen. Then a thought crossed my mind, what if this is a pleasure of my life. I have contemplated suicide and attempted it a few more. What if now, ‘This’ disease is here to save and finish me. In a dignified way of course. As suicide is always a frowned upon course. Maybe i have created the work i was suppose too…. release the poems and art i should. Maybe i have changed a few lives, as i know a few have changed mine. I have done alot of good i know in my life, and been a good person to those i know and those i don’t, and those who haven’t deserved my time, but at least if I am lowered into the earth they will know they got more than they deserved and i can sleep peaceful. I tear slide down my face and the smile spread across my face. I own my thoughts and thats what i love about me, I’m not afraid to challenge those of a narrow or closed mind, not to win a argument but to enlighten their life’s. I have handed my notice into three magazines i write for and two support groups i run, one for young kids with self harm issues and one for support and counselling for parents of children who self harm and who have a mental disorder. My own mother do not even know of these jobs, or where i give my time willingly. My own mother knows nothing of my illness as i don’t see the point, she never made me feel ok or accepted for having a mental disorder. So why would she want to support me now, when she can just ignore and spend time with the ‘normal’ child she has. I am not bitter a part of me was. But i know i have done nothing wrong not to deserve what she has or has not done as the case stands. I am due now to turn down the book offer to have a book published, which i started to write. AS i don’t want to be stressed out right now. Writing books are hard. I have my university papers sat on my desk ready to submit to finish my last year. Even though when i printed them off i knew….. spending some time alone has made me think what do i want to be doing for a year? travelling,……… or photographing a series or two that will will remain should anything happen to me. As it’s not as simple as scrape and remove and then a few appointments to ensure things have been cut away. So maybe i will read, read every book i wanted to read. I will travel, travel to the places i want too. Maybe i will visit a few close friends who have been there from the start of my photography journey before i even knew it was a path i would go on to choose.

 

I will visit one man before the year is out. This time four and a half years ago, a man gave me the greatest tip in the world. (shadows) This man has a piece of my heart today. And i want to hold him in a embrace and thank him. For when i have doubted my work, my direction, the purpose of it all….. My darling Luca is there with his Italian charm. He has lasted longer than relationships and gave me more joy than most of them.  And even though i hate Germany, I will find him there.

 

Tomorrow i go and drive for a hour to a tattoo studio to be tattooed. The artist is amazing and I am dying to having this piece on me as for six years i have been in love with the concept of the piece. And i finally put it together and now i get to have a beautiful memoir of it. Then i will have my favourite poem inscribed on my thigh…. a quote or two more and when i lay on the slab or a cold mortuary cradle… I hope they read my tattoos and admire my artwork…. I will be a beautiful corpse in death as i was in life.

Now to try and sleep as seven hours of sleep in five days is something thats killing me. Stopping on lot of medication to be able to undergo treatment is a wonderful way to test my instability. But hey, it makes good pictures…. so at least my instability and insanity will never leave me….. never thought i would say i was actually grateful for that.

 

 

love is a loosing game ……

Tonight I sat in Roath park lake, not a cemetery although i know many within my city that would of welcomed me as they did the dead that lays within them.  I sat there with a coffee on a bench in the dark at midnight like i had two years earlier. This time i was alone, alone with my coffee thoughts and cigarettes. I have always thought how beautiful the water paints light in the day and in the blanket of the night. The different shades of black from the shadows of the trees to the sky to the mood that wrapped around me as i sit still. I watched the water and seen the reflection of my life while destiny and fate took a seat beside me and reminded me of all my past mistakes. Love? I blog so much about it…. Its a funny kind of thing. No words that can accurately describe it… the way it feels the way it makes you think differently and act. When we are in love we stay too long, make stupid decisions, and sometimes don’t even know how to receive love or give it so much that it consumes and kills us. It can be destructive it can be euphoric, it can be irrational and it can be gut wrenchingly powerful. Its the most lethal drug and its free.

I have always panicked that i will love the wrong person or that i wont love the person who loves me as i will be too scared or damaged. I have thought i was in love and when the relationship has ended i realised i wasn’t in love with that person i just didn’t want to be alone. There’s a huge difference in being in love with someone and loving someone. Being in love with someone means you would die for their happiness even if that happiness is not with you, its with someone else. Being in love with someone means that no matter what they have a piece of you, whether they want it or not, it is reserved for just them. I loved once he was a English man and he was everything I could want a human to be…. And i died. Well at least my soul did when we finished. Then i met another English man, and the first time we met for a date he smiled at me and kissed me. In that kiss i tasted the demise of my sanity. He was never one to live by the rules, i don’t think he even knew the concept of them. And i loved him even harder for that. Lana del ray soundtrack became the soundtrack for the first year of our relationship…. to me anyway…. he was ‘my old man’ he had a ‘soul as sweet at blood red jam’ (off to the races) it was the months that pasted and the songs ‘heaven is a place on earth with you’ and ‘being in his favourite sun dress’ – Every song within that album was etched on me.

He was my ‘million dollar man’ he was ‘someone who was dangerous and tainted and flawed’ and ‘i loved him, i loved him, i loved him’ ………… he ‘looked like a million dollar man, so why is my heart broke’ …………..

It is amazing how then two years later the album that has the same affect on me is ‘Hozier’ at first it was just ‘take me to church’ …… then it became every track that i heard that entwined itself within the months that followed ……every lyric… every song….. every hum…. ‘when my time comes around lay me down gently in the cold dark earth ….no grave can hold my body down, i’ll crawl home to her’……..

I wanted to save him, I did. I saved him from one person, and i had to save him from another… himself. But i failed. I failed in saving him from himself. The harder i tried the more he self destructed, the harder i loved him the weaker i became and the more destructive he became……. So i walked away. I told myself i didn’t care if he lived or died. I was a inch away from death…- my own. I was two thoughts away from insanity, and a breath away from breaking and snapping my spine into splinters. I left and i left knowing i failed.  Then he done the unthinkable the unspeakable and the unimaginable …… he saved himself. In a selfish way i hope that by me giving up on him i had saved him. That my pain,my struggle, my insanity, my anxiety my tears my anger weren’t all for nothing, that the shards of my heart are but glitter because thats what had to happen to me in order to save him ………… I hope, because that means my pain and hurting and aching to this day has not been for nothing.

Yet i feel so angry and so annoyed that he saved himself and he is working to be his best self, the person, the boy i saw. The one, the boy  i stayed around for…. for so long. The one i fought for the one i broke over the one who i believed in. This boy is going to go and love another girl in ways i deserved to be loved as i loved him hard and pure. But a little bit of me is glad too that he will love another girl in a better way than he loved me……. he wont hurt another girl the way he did me as he is a better person now. Or will be when he’s done. I have lost my boy…… he’s now a man. And he will make someone so happy and i hope they appreciate what he has done for himself and who he has become….. and i hope they love him sooooo much and he feels it and embraces it and it makes him happy. As that will make me happy. His happiness is everything to me, and his life… even if it is not with me. Why? because the red string of fate says no one is a mistake ….. we know ‘every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around’ ……. and you never know we may meet in another life when we are both cats ; )   But for now we are healing…… grieving and learning. Learning to live without one another, learning to love ourselves and ‘consequences.’ I lost my boyfriend the day i gave up on him, i lost my boyfriend and my best friend. Maybe one day i will get my best friend back………because i miss him to the point of madness as no one ‘got’ me like him….. maybe we will be able to tell each other again one day … maybe when i see him again. Maybe he wont need a best friend like me… he will have a new one. I hope they are as cool as me. I hope they remind him of me.

Until then i have places to travel and uni to finish and goals to achieve i will never be able to say goodbye to him. Its just a ‘see you again/around’ As goodbyes are forever and i hate loosing people forever as i loose a part of my identity, my history …..a part of me, as he will hold a piece of me within him. Thats the punishment you get for loving someone, you loose a piece of yourself as you burry it in them……..so love is a loosing game no matter how careful or reckless you play.

Broken knees … A love unseen…

I always blog a image that has plucked at the chords of my heart or mind. This one is no different. This image has done both. I have broken my heart many time over the same guy. I have picked the splinters from my heart and tried to rid the maggots which were his lies from my mind. I have taken razors to my skin and whiskey to my lips in a bid to drown or banish the negativity he left me with.

Like a peasant i would fall to my knees and obey, I would tug at his arm to let him know on my knees is where i would stay if he would just love me one more day. I kneeled in a pool of blood waiting and praying….. I worshipped who i thought was a king. Then i found maggots in my infected knees… they had crept in, …because i hadn’t been paying attention to me, or my health. I saw him,and nothing else. So did i keep these maggots alive harvest them until they grew to flies? Did i pick them out throw them to the side and then fall back to my knees…. Or did i for this last time try and save myself.

I stood up and realised it felt good. I turned to walk away, maggots falling like glitter from my knees. With each wobbling step the maggots fell and left me lighter. The blood on my knees turned to a blacked flaky paint and I seen he wasn’t no king, or saint he was my biggest mistake. I wobbled away and dared to look back ….

I walked through corridors and halls, steps and stairs, through hell and limbo. I nursed my self through the grief. I grieved for me. Not him. Now my knees are still purple and marble blue, but thats the only sign i ever loved a fool. I hold my mind and think of all the times i regret in my life… and not walking away ‘that’ day in May, will always be my biggest regret. Sitting on the bench in September i will hate and forgiving you for your cruel mistakes. One day i will wake and maybe i will make peace and forgive myself because i cant blame him….. i can only blame myself. So with my blame i will take time to rest my heart and soothe my mind … I am taking it one step at a time. I am learning to walk im learning to stand …. Im learning to trust and put my hand in another mans hand. His palm is not violent and his charm not repulsive… Im not blinded and Im not jilted I know nothings for keeps….. but a hopeless romantic like me can dream….

 

You’ll find me among the souls of tombstones

I hold my breath under water sometimes and i see how long i can stay under water and holding my breath. Not because i want to beat my own best score or I’m even timing the minutes. I do it because a self destructing streak in me wants to see how far i can push me.. when the panic kicks in, when the heart beat quickens, when my body writhes fighting for air. Then I gasp up from the water choking on freshly breathed air. I have no fear of death, some days i welcome it, other days i envy the peace i will one day find in it. I actually love to be around it. I have decided as tomorrow will be a beautiful day and i have uni work to do, that instead of a coffee shop or library …I will go with my books to my favourite place with coffee ………….A graveyard. There are the most beautiful graveyards around here. Some are very old, some beautiful and kind of new, others are unkept and sing with a whistle of decades ago. I know them all, and love them all equally. Tomorrow shall be cathays graveyard, tomorrow i will walk for a while, past Henry Williams and his Wife, Iris. I will tilt my head and sigh, to be buried with your lover in death and to spend a mortal life with them alive is really something i admire. I will walk then further down the the stone with barely etched words and wonder what was their first name. Then come the trees and they give oxygen to the living and shade to the dead. Their roots curling round corpses caskets and keeping them safe. I can’t help but think of stories and rhymes, picture who they were and what their life was. I also think of what will become of me, a casket or a pod that will turn into a tree or will i be burnt and scattered somewhere.

 

The graveyard will be my retreat for a few hours of soul aching peace. Their is a certain energy in a graveyard …. I think so anyway. I will place down my coffee and choose one of my favourite spots under a tree. Then i will wait for the caretaker who is always fond of me to tell me at quarter to five he’s closing up. Sometimes he lets the gate at the bottom open for me …. and to let myself out when i please. I never leave it later than eight to slip through the gate. Sometimes people just know you need that extra time. Think its the look people can see in your eyes. So many places to hid and mine is a cemetery it calms my soul and mind. And makes me appreciate life.