They are alive……

Its a one oclock blog again. I wonder why I do these blogs. I wonder who reads them, if anyone, and what they think. These are seconds that last for a moment and i am cautious of what i say. Then like the ticking of a clock my fingers sing on a keyboard and everything pours. I don’t like to think too much. As its never good. Not for me anyway. Relationships are funny things, you take two humans. These are from different walks of life, different values and experiences and throw them together. I always view the start of a relationship as a ……. Child playing with clay. When she has moulded her visions she then plays with them in her imaginary world of pretend. I think thats what we do, or I at least. I have a pretend world where i have made my clay man. To keep him there i have to play fair. To keep him strong and not for him to crack and crumble i have to understand the way he was made. But i don’t. I don’t understand me. So I am at a loss before i could ever conceive to win. Then in my pretend world everything is great. We can mould each other and smooth over the cracks. But in actuality it doesn’t get smoothed over. I choose my human and decided to love him and play with him in my pretend world. But i knew reality would make him crumble. I am just convincing myself i am now unloveable. Its not really the greatest ego boost that my ex cheated on me for two years and for the last year he still couldn’t be faithful. He would flirt with girls and send such pictures i would find out and feel sick. He handed me complex after complex and insecurities that made me shake.  Then i met another man, he was broken and not whole. I think i attract them you know.

I always saw a relationship of a somewhat unity. A team. If i was going to war the person i was with i would want on my platoon as i know they have my back. Yet i dated a guy a bullet, thats engraved and i wear it around my neck. It has a message inscribed but it was in the language he knew so a lie. I decided that I would wear it not because i love him, but because it was one of the many bullets in his gun that killed me and made me weak. But At least i knew he would never leave me. Then i met this other guy. No insecurities, no girls perfection could of been a good word. But then i spiralled and i fell and i descended to hell. Now my demobs are happy as they have me back. It was quiet lovely really how they welcomed me back. They stay up all night with me, and if ever i need company they are always there. I married demons so i can never marry a man.

I confided in a friend of what made me spiral. And as a friend does they show concern. It was nice to acknowledge the disease i have investigated and learnt thats eating me. Ooooooooh no this time its not my mind. This time its not my bipolar. I think if it wasn’t for my bipolar i maybe worse. I have the disease that consumes so many and that the word alone instills fear. It actually made me freeze. My blood ran so cold a splinter of ice must of pierced my heart, as i gasped for air. Cancer i dare. The womanly parts of me are being eaten alive. Im twenty nine and i have a unbalanced mind and a disease eating me alive. The insecurities rise and i feel bile thrown at the back of my throat. I could cry but i haven’t yet. Not over the thing that i just learnt. I think i’m numb or still coming to terms with this vile thing harbouring inside my womb. Like a spawn of satan i’m nurturing it and letting it feed on me. I am a beautiful host.  I actually can feel my breath unsteady as i filter through this truth. I admitted this two two people. Two which i trust and love and know would do anything to see me smile. But still i sit here in my ex boyfriends zip through hoodie, it faintly smells of him. Wearing dungarees bought for me as a sorry from the cheating ex, and the things i am wearing which look the best are fresh scars. Another chapter of my fucked up life. There was a time where my life was quiet happy and calm. Oh dear lord i wish for that again so bad. The marrow of my bone ache for it. They also ache for a warm embrace. But i know to be hugged would leave this little fighter with a tear stained face.

When it was revealed what i now have to face the cancer of a woman’s delicate place I was shocked nad scared then last night at 5 am i sat out my back garden. The stars weren’t too bright, but the warmth of the night kept me company. The sounds of cars passing on the road behind me made me smile. I wonder how their life differes from mine. I thought about writing, but couldn’t bare to hold my favourite pen. Then a thought crossed my mind, what if this is a pleasure of my life. I have contemplated suicide and attempted it a few more. What if now, ‘This’ disease is here to save and finish me. In a dignified way of course. As suicide is always a frowned upon course. Maybe i have created the work i was suppose too…. release the poems and art i should. Maybe i have changed a few lives, as i know a few have changed mine. I have done alot of good i know in my life, and been a good person to those i know and those i don’t, and those who haven’t deserved my time, but at least if I am lowered into the earth they will know they got more than they deserved and i can sleep peaceful. I tear slide down my face and the smile spread across my face. I own my thoughts and thats what i love about me, I’m not afraid to challenge those of a narrow or closed mind, not to win a argument but to enlighten their life’s. I have handed my notice into three magazines i write for and two support groups i run, one for young kids with self harm issues and one for support and counselling for parents of children who self harm and who have a mental disorder. My own mother do not even know of these jobs, or where i give my time willingly. My own mother knows nothing of my illness as i don’t see the point, she never made me feel ok or accepted for having a mental disorder. So why would she want to support me now, when she can just ignore and spend time with the ‘normal’ child she has. I am not bitter a part of me was. But i know i have done nothing wrong not to deserve what she has or has not done as the case stands. I am due now to turn down the book offer to have a book published, which i started to write. AS i don’t want to be stressed out right now. Writing books are hard. I have my university papers sat on my desk ready to submit to finish my last year. Even though when i printed them off i knew….. spending some time alone has made me think what do i want to be doing for a year? travelling,……… or photographing a series or two that will will remain should anything happen to me. As it’s not as simple as scrape and remove and then a few appointments to ensure things have been cut away. So maybe i will read, read every book i wanted to read. I will travel, travel to the places i want too. Maybe i will visit a few close friends who have been there from the start of my photography journey before i even knew it was a path i would go on to choose.

 

I will visit one man before the year is out. This time four and a half years ago, a man gave me the greatest tip in the world. (shadows) This man has a piece of my heart today. And i want to hold him in a embrace and thank him. For when i have doubted my work, my direction, the purpose of it all….. My darling Luca is there with his Italian charm. He has lasted longer than relationships and gave me more joy than most of them.  And even though i hate Germany, I will find him there.

 

Tomorrow i go and drive for a hour to a tattoo studio to be tattooed. The artist is amazing and I am dying to having this piece on me as for six years i have been in love with the concept of the piece. And i finally put it together and now i get to have a beautiful memoir of it. Then i will have my favourite poem inscribed on my thigh…. a quote or two more and when i lay on the slab or a cold mortuary cradle… I hope they read my tattoos and admire my artwork…. I will be a beautiful corpse in death as i was in life.

Now to try and sleep as seven hours of sleep in five days is something thats killing me. Stopping on lot of medication to be able to undergo treatment is a wonderful way to test my instability. But hey, it makes good pictures…. so at least my instability and insanity will never leave me….. never thought i would say i was actually grateful for that.

 

 

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Love is blind and so am I ……

Its 3am, and i just watched the most beautiful film i have ever watched. I had a favourite film, it was vanilla sky. I never thought i would love another film like i did that one, yet here I am, saying I do.  (which means we are married)  Its a quote from the film, but I have a new favourite film. Though i refuse to share it with anyone, i will never watch it with anyone. WHy? Because i watched vanilla sky with someone and they fell in love with it as well for the beautiful meaning, however, now – Its not the same. It was because i shared something of me with them, something i fell in love with, now its a mutual love. It is nice that they will always remember that film, a tattoo of the quote they have etched on their face in spanish. Spanish – the language i speak also. I have the quote also tattooed on me, it doe not make it any less but more in some ways. And i know in time, in reflection and hindsight it will mean a lot more to the person who have them words bleed into their skin with ink. I, however have a new favourite film, because of the meaning, because to the significance and i do not want to share it with anyone. No one at all, not even the person I love, as i want to keep that part of me for me. Just only me. They say love is blind, and so am I, as I am in love. But for as long as  I am blind i guess I am safe, as i know no better, as i cant see any better. Just like a stupid person is envied by smart people, in some flawed fucked up way. As the stupid people know no better, no different.

The film i just watched, i seen myself in the girl, so much.

“I am just a fucked up girl, looking for some peace of mind in someone else” a beautiful line, a warped truth. For that line and that girl alone made me realise so much, about love, perspective and myself. If i reveal the film to anyone, i will be revealing myself. Few people really know me, the real me.

See i realised something, I can get any man to fall in love with me, its not a challenge. It is not me being arrogant or having a ego. They will first see me for how i look, and i am pretty and slim. Then they will get a insight into me, by speaking to me. Then they will see how funny and smart and interesting I am. The things i list, are things i know, because so many people have mentioned them so often. Then they will be more intrigued and want to captivate me as the way i think and act intrigues a curious mind. If they see my work, they will be in awe, its how i met my last partner. He himself said after seeing my work and me, and having a brief conversation he just had to make me his. I thought this was sweet and somewhat what others have done. And  then they fall in love with me, the excitement i stir inside them, the way i can reach depths of them that no one else can. THe fact that every break up with a partner leaves them with place in their heart reserved for me. A longing sentiment of ‘ ill never find anyone like her again’. It is so endearing that anyone who comes into my life, welcomed in or who’s crashed in uninvited to have left a lasting mark on them. That years down the line, my name still stirs a good memory within them. I like that i have left so many people with a good memory of encouragement. A memory of happiness or liberation or sharing a piece of my life with them. As i am a very private person if i let you within the realms of my life i give you access to things no one else does. My body, my mind, and my soul.

That is the way it should be. If you love someone and they love you, the body you give them to make love to, to touch their lips to kiss, should only be yours and no one else’s. The fact you can touch them, their bare skin whenever you want to is such a intimate and sacred feeling i cherish. To give someone access to your mind, you lay out your insecurities and hope they never use them as a weapon. You lay naked with them, but fully clothed. Its what love is being vulnerable with someone, giving someone a empty box. When they look inside they say “theres nothing there” to which you can smile, and say ” yes there is, i am giving you the power, but you cant see it. I am giving you the power to hurt me, to make me cry, to cheat on me, or to walk away and leave me broken. I am giving you the power to scar me, but I am hoping you don’t” Only a intelligent person will understand what you mean, only a person connected to your path, who is able to walk on it with you, is able to understand what you mean. And then you give them access to childhood memories, past mistakes, you let them listen and form judgements, that they can use in their favour should they wish to hurt you, or to learn to understand you. You give them the bullets for the gun, and watch them with it. You let yourself become less of a mystery to them, as the quirky thoughts and expressions and way you think and see the world is no longer enchanting to them, unless they see the beauty in what you see too. Otherwise they just think, ‘Yep thats a lucz thing to say or think’ They will not appreciate this little quality until they leave.  Then you give them your soul, but you never really know you give them this until you can sit with a ache. A ache deep inside a nostalgic sickness and a pain thats so deep it takes your breath away. It takes your breath away so much so you have to remember to breath without them. This is both a beautiful thing and a harrowing thing. As to give someone your soul means they can ignite things in you, create things in you, burry things in you. If someone can stir your soul that someone was either a beautiful gift on your path or a bitter sweet mistake to encounter.  But when you give you body, your mind, and your soul to someone willingly or accidentally measure what you get in return.

A beautiful girl is only as beautiful as the man that makes her glow in a way no other man can. A julie roberts smile that can lite the world and make happiness contagious and love look like a fairytale. It is possible for a woman to become a million percent more beautiful if the man that adores her and she knows he do, they have given souls to each other……. kisses her on her cheek. I seen a couple that i thought had to be soul mates.  The amazingly talent Mister Robert Downey Jr and his wife susan. There are clips of these two on youtube under songs that he himself has sang. And she is gorgeous, when she looks at him, and he is the most handsome man in the world when he refers or smiles at her.  Fuck the Disney prince, I want what they have. Thats real and its clear to anyone and everyone that after nine years together….. they are still as in love and attentive to each other as they were in the first three months of dating, to me that is soulmates.

Thank you for reading…….

To be human, in these times of crisis both environmental and governmental we forget what we are. Human. I wonder how many people carry with them guilt, the guilt of not being able to do all the things expected of them, with families, partners, work commitments, friends and social commitments, and that of  school or educational commitments, then the laundary or housework alongside the expectations to still be perfectly groomed and appealing. Or if not perfectly groomed at least fit. This is about the worst type of world to be in, whereby guilt becomes our shadow.

The ability to do something we find pleasure in, and find time for, for ourselves, is seen as not important. But this is essentially what makes us human, the ability to enjoy the world and indulge in our desires our passions, our hobbies. If you ask ten people what their hobbies are, at least six or seven of them will have to think on this question. WHy? because they havent got time have a hobby a passion or pleasure. The rest will probably name a hobby, but when the next question comes along,” how often do you get to practice your hobby or indulge in it’ They will probably have to think of the last time they did. Which saddens me so much. Everyone deserves to be human, to do something that is not a means to a end but a source of pleasure and satisfaction.

When was the last time you sat at a coffee shop and people watched, watch the world pass you by and just relax. Not be bound to a appointment so you kill tie at a coffee shop, or wait for a friend, to socialise with. But just sit and indulge in time and peace.

Or when was the last time you sat on the beach, not to occupy the children as a day trip out to meet the requirements of a ‘day out’ but just sat there, watched the tied rolling in and out, notice how no two waves ever caress the sea the same as they meet the shore. See the clouds prancing across the sky, and their changing shape. Into animals or faces or flowers? When was the last time you watched a sunset or a sunrise properly sat there to watch one, the colours of pink and purple merging melting into a liquid gold or amber stream? When did you last sit in the woods, watch the shadows and lights change on the floor or hear the bird singing.

Whether it be reading, ( my favourite) or sunsets (another favourite) riding your horse (another guilty pleasure of mine) no matter what it is that brings you such immense tranquility and pleasure and peace. When was the last time you done it? and didnt feel guilty for doing it? essentially when was the last time you connected with your soul and fed it peace and pleasure.. and enjoyed being human. They say mental health disorders are primarily due to environment, I agree, If i havent done something i enjoy for a week i find my mood dip dramatically.

Schools teach children so much, but they do not teach them the things they require as humans not as governmental commodities. Did you know that your birth certificate registers you as the governments commodity? schools dont teach you your human rights, why? because its normally government run schools. They do not teach you about the government or the voting systems or politics, why? because knowledge is power and knowledge is what makes people question. Children are not taught of their common law rights, either. Why? because alot of legal laws will be flawed by the common law and the government wants to repress and control. The schools dont teach you how to be human, or enjoy being human or what it consists of, it literally just conditions you to become a drone and something that makes it money.

A sad truth, So please everyone indulge in what makes you human, enrich your life’s, your mental and emotional and spiritual state as right now alot the only thing that really defines us as not robotic workhorses is a name.