I am not sorry……………..

These last few weeks have been another rolla-coaster. I have started uni and college back up, i have had a relationship break down due to infidelity (his not mine, as usual) and I have enjoyed some of the best days of my life in his absence. It is funny how these break ups work, as before i had a ache when we broke up, A void i desperately tried to fill, with coffee, activities, reading and outings, alongside obviously my poetry and my photography. Now, there is no ache. The ache became so strong because i was so weak. He had the power, he made me feel unworthy, and unequal, so i took the power back and stopped loving him. I did, and it worked. I seen him for who he was, and i realised that he never made me happy, or feel safe or secure. He did nothing positive for me, but i loved him anyway. Thats the cruel thing about love, sometimes you have to be hurt to the point of being dead, before you can be resurrected. When you know, hey this isn’t my fault, your whole world changes, your self worth changes and you perspective changes.

See it is them we always think have to change, they have to stop cheating, they have to stop lying, they have to stop being so selfish. This is absurd because it isnt them that has to change it is you, you have to change. Its you that has to not want to be treated like this anymore and stop allowing them to treat you like this, only them will your life, your heart and soul heal.

This image is a very simple image, and thats what i wanted it to be, because of the simplicity of life, and freedom, and what living is. You can have a simple life if you choose or you can complicate your life. I chose to finally give myself some much needed simplicity and it is the most valuable and beautiful thing i have done for myself. This shoot was the best day of my year, i spent it with my friend and daughter. We swan we laughed we shot, and we ate, and we relaxed. I was free of anxiety, of stress, my mind for once was completely focused on the day i was in the day mentally and emotionally as well as physically. I wasn’t thinking, ‘what is he doing’ i wasn’t looking at my phone, i was fearing what he was up to or who he was speaking to. I was just living for me, and it felt amazing. I know how hard a break up can be i know how hard it is some days to even get out of bed, or even make it through a hour without crying. I understand the sense of loss and the sense of loneliness i do. I have been through it all, never thinking you will ever smile or feel normal again, or even happy. But it happens, i promise, i really do, the moment you start concentrating on you.

Then the inevitable comes, the message from him, the apology, the realisation of what he has done. But I am not sorry, I am not sorry he done what he done, he done me a favour, he killed the last bit of me. And i thank him for that because from my death i was reborn.  And sorry means nothing when its done again and again, he was only sorry he got caught again. I am sorry i stayed too long I am sorry i made so many excuses for him, I am sorry i wasn’t better to myself, and loved myself more to walk away sooner. Don’t relieve my mistakes, know your self worth and never let anyone devalue you…….

Love is blind and so am I ……

Its 3am, and i just watched the most beautiful film i have ever watched. I had a favourite film, it was vanilla sky. I never thought i would love another film like i did that one, yet here I am, saying I do.  (which means we are married)  Its a quote from the film, but I have a new favourite film. Though i refuse to share it with anyone, i will never watch it with anyone. WHy? Because i watched vanilla sky with someone and they fell in love with it as well for the beautiful meaning, however, now – Its not the same. It was because i shared something of me with them, something i fell in love with, now its a mutual love. It is nice that they will always remember that film, a tattoo of the quote they have etched on their face in spanish. Spanish – the language i speak also. I have the quote also tattooed on me, it doe not make it any less but more in some ways. And i know in time, in reflection and hindsight it will mean a lot more to the person who have them words bleed into their skin with ink. I, however have a new favourite film, because of the meaning, because to the significance and i do not want to share it with anyone. No one at all, not even the person I love, as i want to keep that part of me for me. Just only me. They say love is blind, and so am I, as I am in love. But for as long as  I am blind i guess I am safe, as i know no better, as i cant see any better. Just like a stupid person is envied by smart people, in some flawed fucked up way. As the stupid people know no better, no different.

The film i just watched, i seen myself in the girl, so much.

“I am just a fucked up girl, looking for some peace of mind in someone else” a beautiful line, a warped truth. For that line and that girl alone made me realise so much, about love, perspective and myself. If i reveal the film to anyone, i will be revealing myself. Few people really know me, the real me.

See i realised something, I can get any man to fall in love with me, its not a challenge. It is not me being arrogant or having a ego. They will first see me for how i look, and i am pretty and slim. Then they will get a insight into me, by speaking to me. Then they will see how funny and smart and interesting I am. The things i list, are things i know, because so many people have mentioned them so often. Then they will be more intrigued and want to captivate me as the way i think and act intrigues a curious mind. If they see my work, they will be in awe, its how i met my last partner. He himself said after seeing my work and me, and having a brief conversation he just had to make me his. I thought this was sweet and somewhat what others have done. And  then they fall in love with me, the excitement i stir inside them, the way i can reach depths of them that no one else can. THe fact that every break up with a partner leaves them with place in their heart reserved for me. A longing sentiment of ‘ ill never find anyone like her again’. It is so endearing that anyone who comes into my life, welcomed in or who’s crashed in uninvited to have left a lasting mark on them. That years down the line, my name still stirs a good memory within them. I like that i have left so many people with a good memory of encouragement. A memory of happiness or liberation or sharing a piece of my life with them. As i am a very private person if i let you within the realms of my life i give you access to things no one else does. My body, my mind, and my soul.

That is the way it should be. If you love someone and they love you, the body you give them to make love to, to touch their lips to kiss, should only be yours and no one else’s. The fact you can touch them, their bare skin whenever you want to is such a intimate and sacred feeling i cherish. To give someone access to your mind, you lay out your insecurities and hope they never use them as a weapon. You lay naked with them, but fully clothed. Its what love is being vulnerable with someone, giving someone a empty box. When they look inside they say “theres nothing there” to which you can smile, and say ” yes there is, i am giving you the power, but you cant see it. I am giving you the power to hurt me, to make me cry, to cheat on me, or to walk away and leave me broken. I am giving you the power to scar me, but I am hoping you don’t” Only a intelligent person will understand what you mean, only a person connected to your path, who is able to walk on it with you, is able to understand what you mean. And then you give them access to childhood memories, past mistakes, you let them listen and form judgements, that they can use in their favour should they wish to hurt you, or to learn to understand you. You give them the bullets for the gun, and watch them with it. You let yourself become less of a mystery to them, as the quirky thoughts and expressions and way you think and see the world is no longer enchanting to them, unless they see the beauty in what you see too. Otherwise they just think, ‘Yep thats a lucz thing to say or think’ They will not appreciate this little quality until they leave.  Then you give them your soul, but you never really know you give them this until you can sit with a ache. A ache deep inside a nostalgic sickness and a pain thats so deep it takes your breath away. It takes your breath away so much so you have to remember to breath without them. This is both a beautiful thing and a harrowing thing. As to give someone your soul means they can ignite things in you, create things in you, burry things in you. If someone can stir your soul that someone was either a beautiful gift on your path or a bitter sweet mistake to encounter.  But when you give you body, your mind, and your soul to someone willingly or accidentally measure what you get in return.

A beautiful girl is only as beautiful as the man that makes her glow in a way no other man can. A julie roberts smile that can lite the world and make happiness contagious and love look like a fairytale. It is possible for a woman to become a million percent more beautiful if the man that adores her and she knows he do, they have given souls to each other……. kisses her on her cheek. I seen a couple that i thought had to be soul mates.  The amazingly talent Mister Robert Downey Jr and his wife susan. There are clips of these two on youtube under songs that he himself has sang. And she is gorgeous, when she looks at him, and he is the most handsome man in the world when he refers or smiles at her.  Fuck the Disney prince, I want what they have. Thats real and its clear to anyone and everyone that after nine years together….. they are still as in love and attentive to each other as they were in the first three months of dating, to me that is soulmates.

Thank you for reading…….

whispering void…..silent noise

what can change in a second? ………….Everything.

Life, being and living. What you include, what you loose, what you abuse and those things you dont choose. Thats life, the innocent moments of thoughts and naïvety ( my favourite). The carefree laughs and awe in which you stare ( my most favourite). Then the touch that somehow reaches your soul ( i have too many favourites). All these beautiful things that make life worth living, and the soul alive. When you wake up with that person you love asleep next to you. When you coil your limbs in that person, wanting to loose yourself in their sleep, while listening to their rhythm of breathing. The innocence on their face, and their scent on your pillow. I think there is nothing more beautiful than to lay asleep at your most vulnerable with someone, knowing you will sleep safe, they wont hurt you. It seems a somewhat given? Then why does this change when eyes open and brains engage, neither are less vulnerable? But this is when the pain hurts the most, this is when you get hurt the most, when hearts quicken with what the eyes see and the soul is now aware.

What type of person are you? are you the type of person that sees the innocences in your lover when she/he is asleep and couldn’t dream of taking a knife and thrusting it into their heart? Like you would if you cheated/lied to them when they are awake. Or less say something a little less extreme, would you wake your lover from a sleep, a dream, to tell them the lies you have hid, the cheating you have done. Its just not done is it? then why do people do it when someone is awake. Do they deserve it more then? or is it as soon as they leave your bed, they leave their loyalty, dignity and love for you in their dreams, or in their sleep.

I suppose this is a cynical way of looking at something but never the less, its a truth.

We live in such a throw away society, that pains my heart, marriage is as disposable as razors. Divorce is chosen quicker than the next days outfit. Women seem to have lose morals and little self respect, and men seem to indulge at every opportunity in the variety of this. Technology could be blamed, but the user controls the technology and not the other way around. Though it is true, it is easier to find these types of girls with instant access to sleazy dating sites.

Men hate to be called sleazy and are so quick to condem other men for being a sleaze, yet their very actions, thoughts, lies and behaviour is that of what they hate.  Yet they so easily allow themselves to become this. But this is a arrogant man, who is arrogant in everything, advice, life, love and hard work. As to be a respectable man is a choice that requires discipline, same with women. And discipline takes confidence, self awareness and hard work. But the one thing it takes more of than anything else is integrity. To know that the person that loves them is worth more than the four they are already contemplating as shinny new options. The age old saying of ‘is the grass greener on the other side.’ The answer easy. Name one man who has traded his wife for his mistress, to find his mistress leave’s him. Karma? or even better the relationship fizzles out? and he realised how empty his life is without his wife, and the story always has the twist.

The twist? Im glad you asked.

I wonder how many marriages are still together because the man or the woman who cheated was taken back by their partner?

And i wonder how many marriages are broken because they cannot forgive that person, trust that person?

And then i wonder how many mens mistress’ lasted longer than the divorce proceedings.

The Twist? that you cant predict how it will end. But the thing you will know is that nothing will ever be the same again, in your world or theirs when you decide to betray the ‘love’ that was given purely.

Hurt people, hurt people. They cannot help it i suppose, there are excuses that can be made, but then it gets to a point when every excuse has been exhausted. Every tear has been shed and every sob has been sobbed. The confidence is smashed like a mirror and trust is as apparent as sunlight dust.

To me effort is everything in a relationship, it doesn’t matter how damaged you are, respect and effort is of importance for recovery. Make the effort to make them secure. Give respect in the form of honesty. Effort is a key factor if you cant be bothered to make a effort anymore, to make them smile, to say hi, or even to let them know that there is a part of their heart that belongs to you. Then there is no incentive for the other person to make the effort as they dont feel loved. Would you? another void to suck out the happiness….

Sex is such a big part of a relationship and initmacy and strengthens the bond of love. Sadly however when the effort is not made in this area either another void is consuming your relationship. If you are a selfish lover, you are a selfish person. As you do not meet or understand the needs and wants of your relationship or partner.

The whispering void of blame and noise, ‘I dont do this because you dont do this, or you act like this.’ I would do that if you didnt do this’ so many people argue over the littlest things, to keep finding fault with someone is to sabotage yourself, no one is perfect. But if you find that one person, who has stood by you through the good and the bad. laughed along with you and supported the most idiotic decisions you have made as well as pushing you to some of the best you have made. Stop nagging, stop bitching, and just be thankful you have someone who loves you enough to be there no matter what. But if you are that person and you get nothing in return, no appreciation, or respect, or effort. My advice is walk, as these people will never know what they had infront of them as they were to busy looking to the side, and out for themselves. And no matter what you do it will never be enough, as these people are too damages to understand the purity of love, and what it is, its just a word they think they understand.