They are alive……

Its a one oclock blog again. I wonder why I do these blogs. I wonder who reads them, if anyone, and what they think. These are seconds that last for a moment and i am cautious of what i say. Then like the ticking of a clock my fingers sing on a keyboard and everything pours. I don’t like to think too much. As its never good. Not for me anyway. Relationships are funny things, you take two humans. These are from different walks of life, different values and experiences and throw them together. I always view the start of a relationship as a ……. Child playing with clay. When she has moulded her visions she then plays with them in her imaginary world of pretend. I think thats what we do, or I at least. I have a pretend world where i have made my clay man. To keep him there i have to play fair. To keep him strong and not for him to crack and crumble i have to understand the way he was made. But i don’t. I don’t understand me. So I am at a loss before i could ever conceive to win. Then in my pretend world everything is great. We can mould each other and smooth over the cracks. But in actuality it doesn’t get smoothed over. I choose my human and decided to love him and play with him in my pretend world. But i knew reality would make him crumble. I am just convincing myself i am now unloveable. Its not really the greatest ego boost that my ex cheated on me for two years and for the last year he still couldn’t be faithful. He would flirt with girls and send such pictures i would find out and feel sick. He handed me complex after complex and insecurities that made me shake.  Then i met another man, he was broken and not whole. I think i attract them you know.

I always saw a relationship of a somewhat unity. A team. If i was going to war the person i was with i would want on my platoon as i know they have my back. Yet i dated a guy a bullet, thats engraved and i wear it around my neck. It has a message inscribed but it was in the language he knew so a lie. I decided that I would wear it not because i love him, but because it was one of the many bullets in his gun that killed me and made me weak. But At least i knew he would never leave me. Then i met this other guy. No insecurities, no girls perfection could of been a good word. But then i spiralled and i fell and i descended to hell. Now my demobs are happy as they have me back. It was quiet lovely really how they welcomed me back. They stay up all night with me, and if ever i need company they are always there. I married demons so i can never marry a man.

I confided in a friend of what made me spiral. And as a friend does they show concern. It was nice to acknowledge the disease i have investigated and learnt thats eating me. Ooooooooh no this time its not my mind. This time its not my bipolar. I think if it wasn’t for my bipolar i maybe worse. I have the disease that consumes so many and that the word alone instills fear. It actually made me freeze. My blood ran so cold a splinter of ice must of pierced my heart, as i gasped for air. Cancer i dare. The womanly parts of me are being eaten alive. Im twenty nine and i have a unbalanced mind and a disease eating me alive. The insecurities rise and i feel bile thrown at the back of my throat. I could cry but i haven’t yet. Not over the thing that i just learnt. I think i’m numb or still coming to terms with this vile thing harbouring inside my womb. Like a spawn of satan i’m nurturing it and letting it feed on me. I am a beautiful host.  I actually can feel my breath unsteady as i filter through this truth. I admitted this two two people. Two which i trust and love and know would do anything to see me smile. But still i sit here in my ex boyfriends zip through hoodie, it faintly smells of him. Wearing dungarees bought for me as a sorry from the cheating ex, and the things i am wearing which look the best are fresh scars. Another chapter of my fucked up life. There was a time where my life was quiet happy and calm. Oh dear lord i wish for that again so bad. The marrow of my bone ache for it. They also ache for a warm embrace. But i know to be hugged would leave this little fighter with a tear stained face.

When it was revealed what i now have to face the cancer of a woman’s delicate place I was shocked nad scared then last night at 5 am i sat out my back garden. The stars weren’t too bright, but the warmth of the night kept me company. The sounds of cars passing on the road behind me made me smile. I wonder how their life differes from mine. I thought about writing, but couldn’t bare to hold my favourite pen. Then a thought crossed my mind, what if this is a pleasure of my life. I have contemplated suicide and attempted it a few more. What if now, ‘This’ disease is here to save and finish me. In a dignified way of course. As suicide is always a frowned upon course. Maybe i have created the work i was suppose too…. release the poems and art i should. Maybe i have changed a few lives, as i know a few have changed mine. I have done alot of good i know in my life, and been a good person to those i know and those i don’t, and those who haven’t deserved my time, but at least if I am lowered into the earth they will know they got more than they deserved and i can sleep peaceful. I tear slide down my face and the smile spread across my face. I own my thoughts and thats what i love about me, I’m not afraid to challenge those of a narrow or closed mind, not to win a argument but to enlighten their life’s. I have handed my notice into three magazines i write for and two support groups i run, one for young kids with self harm issues and one for support and counselling for parents of children who self harm and who have a mental disorder. My own mother do not even know of these jobs, or where i give my time willingly. My own mother knows nothing of my illness as i don’t see the point, she never made me feel ok or accepted for having a mental disorder. So why would she want to support me now, when she can just ignore and spend time with the ‘normal’ child she has. I am not bitter a part of me was. But i know i have done nothing wrong not to deserve what she has or has not done as the case stands. I am due now to turn down the book offer to have a book published, which i started to write. AS i don’t want to be stressed out right now. Writing books are hard. I have my university papers sat on my desk ready to submit to finish my last year. Even though when i printed them off i knew….. spending some time alone has made me think what do i want to be doing for a year? travelling,……… or photographing a series or two that will will remain should anything happen to me. As it’s not as simple as scrape and remove and then a few appointments to ensure things have been cut away. So maybe i will read, read every book i wanted to read. I will travel, travel to the places i want too. Maybe i will visit a few close friends who have been there from the start of my photography journey before i even knew it was a path i would go on to choose.

 

I will visit one man before the year is out. This time four and a half years ago, a man gave me the greatest tip in the world. (shadows) This man has a piece of my heart today. And i want to hold him in a embrace and thank him. For when i have doubted my work, my direction, the purpose of it all….. My darling Luca is there with his Italian charm. He has lasted longer than relationships and gave me more joy than most of them.  And even though i hate Germany, I will find him there.

 

Tomorrow i go and drive for a hour to a tattoo studio to be tattooed. The artist is amazing and I am dying to having this piece on me as for six years i have been in love with the concept of the piece. And i finally put it together and now i get to have a beautiful memoir of it. Then i will have my favourite poem inscribed on my thigh…. a quote or two more and when i lay on the slab or a cold mortuary cradle… I hope they read my tattoos and admire my artwork…. I will be a beautiful corpse in death as i was in life.

Now to try and sleep as seven hours of sleep in five days is something thats killing me. Stopping on lot of medication to be able to undergo treatment is a wonderful way to test my instability. But hey, it makes good pictures…. so at least my instability and insanity will never leave me….. never thought i would say i was actually grateful for that.

 

 

Series ……..concept and Time.

Time, its a funny thing, some of us are tied to it, others not. Some of us make time our priority others just tend to go along without no rush or care…. I am a bit of both. But since the dawn of time man has always been somewhat living by time. Before a watch/clock it was always told by the position of the sun. How beautiful, to look to the sun, to mother nature and see what time she decides it to be. Opposed to the mechanism of a ticking man made bit of steel.

Therefore i have decided to do a series on TIME

I have decided to do a candid series, as when people are relaxed their aura, their appearance and their projection of themselves change, sometimes so dramatically. There was a scientific study that when people are given a mirror in which to look at themselves and their brainwaves and muscles were monitored. And the results show that as soon as they were given a mirror their expression and stance changed, even for themselves when no one else was in a room they altered the way they look their appearance, emotional state to see a pleasing reflecting. I find this bizarre as i do not give a rats arse what i look like most of the time.

So with tis tied in i have decided to do CONCEPTUAL MIRROR SERIES and a CANDID series. Which i am also thinking of doing a follow up series of actually UNCANDID with the same people, just to show the difference.

Obviously with any type of series you have to do a BLACK AND WHITE series so that is a given.

WIth regards to my last blog post regarding personal art, and art in general i havent quite nailed what i want to achieve from this series, yet. SO although this is a given series the outcomes and exact photos i have in mind are still a bit fuzzy. Though with putting alot of thought into the ART series and talking about Cezanne yesterday i have decided that i am going to do a ‘take’ on the pieces of art that have heavily influenced me. In the way i fall in love with art, admire the technical precision and complimentary colours, the conscious proportions, the light that has been man made and created but looks as if mother nature has lent a hand. SO i will RE-CREATE the images i have been inspired by, but obviously give it my own twist, which will obviously end up as a dark art piece.

so ART INSPIRED RE-CREATION is another series.

I havent decided how many series i want to do yet but i know they have to be things to take me out of my unusal style.

I have BOKEH

INVISIBLE

INSECT – not as real animals and insects, this one will have a great conceptual twist.

I was also contemplating submitting a image to dark beauty competition based on ‘secrets’ unfortunately i know the artist’s work who will be judging and its very conceptual fashion based and that is clearly not my style at all. ITs not at if I am not going to enter as i will not win, its the fact i dont like that genre an i know that will be favoured over other genres. So for now i think i will leave it be mulled in my mind.

IF there are any spelling mistakes in this I apologise, i find after writing it, on a white background with black text and the lighting of the computer my eyes literally give up and everyword starts to swirl and basically perform a salsa dance. WHich means I literally cant de-code anything i have written, but i notice all of these mistakes when i publish this work and it appears on a black background. Then only then can i read what i have wrote, thats Irlen syndrome for ya.

The day I washed away with the blood of tomorrow….

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Well this week has been a hard week, a rollacoaster of ups and downs. Thankfully with the supportive boyfriend and loving daughter. It is amazing what we take for granted, what we think ‘will always be there’. Yet little do we know what life and fate has planned. Some of us are so consumed with the busy lives we lead, we dont stop. Pause, and take a moment to see what we have around us. What is beautiful, what needs changing, and what needed a little bit more attention. I have been lax with my photography, but it is not through lack of devotion, i regularly look of flickr and pour over works of art that inspire me. But something inside me is not as balanced as it should be. I have a very hectic life, and I change roles constantly. From being a mom, cleaner and cook, during the week. To a carefree girlfriend on the weekend, and a photographer and editor in between. Also having to fit in time and change roles to tidy the garden for the summer construct a shed, and hack away brambles that have invaded my garden when i was not looking, when i was too busy with something else. Then i have to be a student for university and night school, and a sister, and a daughter and a aunt. The list is never ending, and within all these roles changes and personality alterations that come with it I often forget me. The most important person, me. So this summer through my photography and my wants and needs, i will find me.

I think it is so important to be human, and to be human means to enjoy your life your pleasures, not to be a commodity of society but just to be.

So ii decided that i will start a new 52 week project as my last one was so stressful because of my work load i never enjoyed it. So now i can ….. a themed 52 week project. Whereby anyone can chuck a theme at me, and i have invited other photographers and non photographers to join in. For fun, for the pleasure, because even as adults why should be loose our element of excitement, to not try new things, just stay in a comfort zone. I have had some amazing support from great photographers to be part of this. So I am excited to see the diversity the confidence that will grow from others with this type of project….. as I dont believe a 52 week project is personal. Not when you put the images public.