Sometimes, only sometimes can i say i have done something for the best and it hasn’t worked out that way. It is true everyone who fights a war thinks they are right. No one person, decent person would choose to make a decision for the wrong reasons, for themselves and others to suffer. I have crossed paths with many people and discovered alot about myself and the world i live in. Not every discovery has been met with welcomed arms, and fondest memories. People included. But its the way we are shaped and taught for future encounters. I often am asked if i believe in God, I do not. That neither makes me a lesser person or a more narrow minded person, i think it incorporates a more open mind about possibilities. I do not believe in a god, or multiple gods, if people actually throughout researched their religion with a open mind they would see the many flaws in theories and encounters and transcripts. The fact a few hundred years ago the church and religion was profitable, and a controlling dictatorship. But only those willing to live in the reality of the world will see. I am neither a Atheist, I do believe in the spiritual world. I also believe in science as there are facts proven studies. I believe humans have come such a distance from the spiritual connection they could have with themselves, others and the world. The energy in which all living things are made of are all connected and somewhere we have lost the frequency in which we use to be connected too. The most damaging is technology, the birth of the internet, i say that as a hypocrite who is using this medium to communicate on, because that is now the only way to communicate with someone. Via a electronic device that emits energy enabling us to connect with one another. Its quite sad, the fact we become so reliant on this form of communication and the internet instead of being used to research, expand, and enlighten us as human beings is being used as a basic form of communication. Instead of researching we are facebooking, instead of gaining knowledge we are gaining lives or likes on some social platform. The world has become alot less three dimensional. We like or save pictures on our phones and devices, but how many can we hold, as a actual photograph. The beautiful sights of places are being clicked away at and splashed all over social media, yet how many people actually sit and look, actually look at the details, feel the vibe, the atmosphere and indulge in the moment rather than trying to capture it. I again sound like a hypocrite as a photographer. Though i do print off my photographs, i ensure i enjoy the moment rather than capture it, if i do capture it its a bonus but if i dont enjoy the moment there was no point. I do not read beauty magazines, i have no interest in fashion, or the shallow industry and models they represent. I do not like consumerism or politics but i watch the psychology of them. And the direction in which they are going is shocking. I suppose i wonder why alot, why people are as shallow as they are, with their looks, other peoples, material objects, and money. I would love more than anything for a ban to be put on the internet every social platform for one day or a week, and watch people realise how they have all forgotten how to communicate like actual humans. That their self worth comes from themselves and not likes on a image, that beauty is what you see in the moment not through the camera on your phone, or the image splashed across a magazine. The fact that relationships are worth more as the next girl friend or rebound is not a friend request away. That the instant access to people is something that only true friends and family should have, not random strangers. That privacy is a actual thing, and how do you expect other people to value yours if you do not value it yourself. The world has drasically changed, but i see it change for no better. Girls show more flesh on their media sites than they do when they go swimming, skirts have got shorter, mind you so have shorts, and morals have become a thing of the past. One generation not so long ago a lady was a lady, and a man was a gentleman, a mans word was his oath, and a woman’s self respect was a prized attribute. Now a woman’s arse, pout or breast are that, and a mans word is a reliable as the British weather. When did these attributes, manners, morals and principles become extinct? And more importantly why is no one citing a war to revive them. I would love to blame technology, but unfortunate technology is useless without its user.
As it is with anything certain outcomes are predictable. However when it comes to creating, the visual in your mind is not always the end result staring back at you on your computer screen. Which is sometimes both a brillant thing as you have over achieved your expectations of yourself. Or you can be frustrated that it isn’t quite right. It’s the same with many things in our lives, the job we spent years studying for we now find we can’t stand. The people we have tried so endlessly to please we realise we don’t even really like or want in our lives. Then you have the things you regret not doing… Saying… Visiting… Trying. I wouldn’t say I am the most optimistic person but i am however the most pragmatical. When people come into my life they are let in to my whole life based on a quality I adore or respect. If they are funny…. I fall a little bit in love with them… If they are intelligent and have the most beautifully inspiring conversations. I am hopelessly in love with them it’s true….. There’s nothing I find more beautiful than a intelligent person. However both intelligence and a good sense of humour do not amount to much If they are not self aware of themselves and those around them. Just because they show sympathy or a caring streak for a stranger in the street it does not mean that they show the same care or compassion to those close to them. It’s people we have close to us, I mean real close that have that key for all access of our lives minds and beings that we take for granted the most. It’s human nature to be sociable it’s another thing to choose whom which we socialise or surround ourselves with. I have found so many people compliment me on how I always go out of my way for people I love and care about. However just because I do that extra mile of care and show that extra devotion does it mean I should have it bestowed upon me too? In the realms of fairness yes. In the world we live in, no. Sometimes you help and try with some people to help them better themselves to make their life easier to make them smile or just make sure they know they are not alone. Why do this? Because it’s what makes us human. To treat those how we want to be treated. But this is simply a sentence now not a actual mind frame of some people. Which is disheartening. See the image of marriage we have in our heads…. Is not exactly the picture perfect idealism that some married people experience. So when does expectations stop becoming important or become too important. The expectations that I should live up to, or that I put on others. Who has the right to expect from others? And then get disappointed or disinterested when the expectations are not met or exceeded. I don’t put expectations upon anyone that I do not think they can meet. A lover I expect them to be faithful, honest, and to support and protect me. And in return I provide that… Alongside the ability to love them and display this live in various forms but as often as I can. Those little ways I say I love you, those important things that get taken for granted until they are gone. From cooking a favourite dish, to sourcing a gadget to make their life easier…. From the little way I lean my head in or body into them…. So let them know I live the feeling of them beside me. The way I know how to make them laugh to make a horrid day more bearable….. The way I will pull over in my car to listen to their day, good or bad and offer advice and silently think of solutions. And then solve the problem… Or present the idea so they can think they thought of the solution. The touch of someone’s skin, is such a simple but intimate thing. From brushing your finger along theirs or their lips with yours. Intimacy is something we all crave… From sweet words to feeling someone breathing next to us…. Purring in a snore or just to inhale their smell knowing their presence was recent. The things we take for granted…. The alone time that is never really alone as they are a inch away from your thoughts, your plans, your memory. Human beings can be addictive for so many reasons, for me the strongest addiction is how someone makes me feel. Like every girl I love the hearts and flowers….. But the old fashion romantic in me loves the sitting in a park or on a beach with someone’s company beside me and arms around me…. Just sitting, just being. To escape the fury of life and be lost in silence with someone where words are not needed….. The touch or eyes just say ‘I love you, , and this, us.’ I once had this lover who use to read to me, we both adored reading, from his book or mine or the novel he was working on, he would pull me in close and read. Not to fill a void or silence but because he knew how much it meant to me…. The romantic in me. The melody of his voice and the accent in which I was intoxicated with still lingers with me to this day. And it’s one of the most powerfully beautiful memories I have, of what made us, us. But that is the most beautiful thing about any type of relationship…. With my sister what makes us, us. Is the fact our humour is the same and the way we think of funny things and the memories we laugh at hysterically together. I expect nothing from no one in my life…. But what I would like is love, the pure kind, the effort it takes to show me that I am loved. Anyone I can have a conversation with anyone I can laugh with, but what makes me want to be loved by one person is the reason behind every basic functioning of a human. To be loved and accepted, flaws and imperfections, because no one has the right to expect anyone to be perfect. But to find someone so fitting to you….. But not accept them completely is a crime I can say I have never committed. Everyone has such amazing qualities and such dark ones…. But if they are not harmful or malicious why can’t it be looked over…. The occasional lie… The occasional outburst of fury or misdirected anger, the laziness of them or the hypocritical acts they make. Everyone is entitled to have flaws but be careful whom you dispose of for theirs as who knows what you are trading for another imperfect human. I read something from someone recently who I thought the world of at one point in my life. To me he was flawless but his flaws were evident in the end, he wrote, ‘to truly love someone you first have to know how much you can hate them.’ I thought this bizarre but I thought about it and realised how it’s the most beautiful and most true thing I have ever read referring love. I have my own version of what it means and how I interpretated it. And it is….. To feel the depth of your love for someone you first have to find out what depths you can hate them too. As the deeper the emotion of hate goes the deeper the impact of your love for them has been affected. And if after hate you can love them then that’s a love that knows no depths of shallowness. And perfect is nobody, but real love is the only perfectly imperfect thing that exists. Which makes me proud of the people I have loved, still love, will always love and those whom I feel no love or hate for just indifference or disregard because with out the people I disregard I would not know what real love was…….. So the ideal image we have in our minds are not always the things that stare back at us… But that’s OK… Because I’ll love them anyway…..
My friend and I were doing a shoot a few days ago, after location scouting the day before. We found some amazing locations. Whilst being sat down talking about life and the universe we both spoke about our feeling of being lost. Primarily around other people, granted me and my friend both suffer from a mental illness, and although it is both comforting that we have both found someone who understands the silent struggles. It also can be uncomfortable when they pose the same questions you ask yourself and never find a answer for. We both met in rather unusual circumstances, we both met when we were in a place for people whom have a relapse or breakdown. I am not a very talkative person and my guard is nearly always up. But as i was being shown around this facitility, there was a young girl wrapped in a blanket that could of swallowed her five times over. She gave me a meak smile, (which i did not return) and put her head back down and walked away. A pang of guilt almost snapped my spine. I am not a rude person i just didnt feel like smiling back or have much to smile about. My usual resting place would of been locked in my room away from every other human. As i dont like them much. They do not interest me. But i asked how many people were staying the night and they mentioned just me and the girl that we had passed. When i asked where she was going they said the communal room. The last place i wanted to go. But i bit the bullet and went down.
We started a conversation and she held my attention, she was smart, very smart, creative and artistic and we talked for six hours, till the sun created shadows like prison bars on the communal wall. We both laughed at the irony. And that was that, she was my friend, we were friends. We spend nights talking, listening, understanding, sympathising and being locked in our own little world of self help therapy. we both agreed we understood more about ourselves and our issues through talking to one another than we had in any counselling and therapy. I spoke about my relationship and my breakdown. Although she was not my rock or light of positivity what she was, was real. When we got out we stayed in touch and she would stay up mine for a few days, and she spent new years eve with me and my partner and daughter. She gets on so well with my daughter. And she has made so much progress since we first met. I am so proud of her.
We both have a passion for photography and blogging and poetry. However we do not interact or ‘follow’ each other on social media or blogging networks as we understand the privacy we both enjoy from blogging without identity. This is a blog attached to my photography therefore i do not get the shield and the unknown identity, which is ok as i control what get puts out. Whereas my other blogs are full of in-depth thoughts and perspectives on mental health, photography, and the world. Issues self harm everything. I often wonder what i should write on this blog photography, mental health, life, etc. And I have to write a little bit about everything as each thing influences my photography, as this is my creative outlet. I have decided to do a series on DREAMS. I have named it Dreams anthology, I have always been fascinated with dreams, where they come from where they go. How they affect us and how we can go back into some dreams and change the outcome. I was told this is lucid dreaming. Which I am proud to announce i can do!!! I never do normally dream or remember them. I can go a year without dreaming. I think this is due to my medication. But then when i do dream i dream alot and daydream alot too about them. I dont know if i believe in the meanings of dreams, and the explanations, but i love the experience. Good or bad dreams, I love them as they are mine, and only i have seen and experienced them.
I have decided i will not be publishing this blog on my photography page every time i blog. I will for purely photography based stuff but for other intents and purposes i will be blogging without facebook publication.
To be human, in these times of crisis both environmental and governmental we forget what we are. Human. I wonder how many people carry with them guilt, the guilt of not being able to do all the things expected of them, with families, partners, work commitments, friends and social commitments, and that of school or educational commitments, then the laundary or housework alongside the expectations to still be perfectly groomed and appealing. Or if not perfectly groomed at least fit. This is about the worst type of world to be in, whereby guilt becomes our shadow.
The ability to do something we find pleasure in, and find time for, for ourselves, is seen as not important. But this is essentially what makes us human, the ability to enjoy the world and indulge in our desires our passions, our hobbies. If you ask ten people what their hobbies are, at least six or seven of them will have to think on this question. WHy? because they havent got time have a hobby a passion or pleasure. The rest will probably name a hobby, but when the next question comes along,” how often do you get to practice your hobby or indulge in it’ They will probably have to think of the last time they did. Which saddens me so much. Everyone deserves to be human, to do something that is not a means to a end but a source of pleasure and satisfaction.
When was the last time you sat at a coffee shop and people watched, watch the world pass you by and just relax. Not be bound to a appointment so you kill tie at a coffee shop, or wait for a friend, to socialise with. But just sit and indulge in time and peace.
Or when was the last time you sat on the beach, not to occupy the children as a day trip out to meet the requirements of a ‘day out’ but just sat there, watched the tied rolling in and out, notice how no two waves ever caress the sea the same as they meet the shore. See the clouds prancing across the sky, and their changing shape. Into animals or faces or flowers? When was the last time you watched a sunset or a sunrise properly sat there to watch one, the colours of pink and purple merging melting into a liquid gold or amber stream? When did you last sit in the woods, watch the shadows and lights change on the floor or hear the bird singing.
Whether it be reading, ( my favourite) or sunsets (another favourite) riding your horse (another guilty pleasure of mine) no matter what it is that brings you such immense tranquility and pleasure and peace. When was the last time you done it? and didnt feel guilty for doing it? essentially when was the last time you connected with your soul and fed it peace and pleasure.. and enjoyed being human. They say mental health disorders are primarily due to environment, I agree, If i havent done something i enjoy for a week i find my mood dip dramatically.
Schools teach children so much, but they do not teach them the things they require as humans not as governmental commodities. Did you know that your birth certificate registers you as the governments commodity? schools dont teach you your human rights, why? because its normally government run schools. They do not teach you about the government or the voting systems or politics, why? because knowledge is power and knowledge is what makes people question. Children are not taught of their common law rights, either. Why? because alot of legal laws will be flawed by the common law and the government wants to repress and control. The schools dont teach you how to be human, or enjoy being human or what it consists of, it literally just conditions you to become a drone and something that makes it money.
A sad truth, So please everyone indulge in what makes you human, enrich your life’s, your mental and emotional and spiritual state as right now alot the only thing that really defines us as not robotic workhorses is a name.