It is not my fight…

2017, and its fallen away at its seems, but its not my fight. I decided to call a day on something only seven days into the new year. Why? good question, because things went back to how they were. My now, ex-partner had to work back up surrey, now this is not a bad thing as it is just a place? Yes but it’s a place where 2016 was fraught with lies and games, he became I man I despised, a person I did not want in my life. So I left him. And I knew then I done the right thing. And I know I have done the right thing again. Only this time, I can’t possibly go back. His anger and vile tongue which lashes you with names and hatred through gritted teeth. His inability to listen to reason or compromise. I didn’t change, he did. And that’s ok, It was and is a good test for me, as I knew if this person, the person I left last year as he couldn’t be trusted or spoken too returned that I could leave, and not regret my decision, even a percentage. He decided to cause an argument over a tweet, where I spoke in the third person, as I and most of the people in the world do, himself included. It was funny, because he choose to argue over this, as it made him ‘paranoid’ the tweet was “Going to bed as you’re in a funky ass mood, that makes things just seem worse” this included the hashtag Thursday, and the previous tweet read ” Fuck off today – you weren’t all that” – now I am a pretty logical person so if a person has described that the day sucked and within seconds posted about being in a funky arse mood and going to bed, I wouldn’t be paranoid over that. I would be paranoid, however, if someone who has a massive history of lying, being sly, kissing and fucking other girls and sexually picture messaging them, when to a place, where all this happened. Not to mention he normally fucks around with his clientele (girls he works on) – so yeah, ummmmmm and when this all occurs he becomes nasty, aggressive and argumentative and paranoid. As of course, if someone is fucking around, they normally are paranoid about what the other person is doing.

I find great comfort in the fact that I put a tweet up after saying how much my day sucked, and he THOUGHT, he went off his own little paranoid assumption, that it could of be aimed at another guy. No, no don’t laugh, not yet…….. it gets better because then he unfollows me and calls me a fucking monkey on social media because he wouldn’t listen to reason. Even though the night I put the tweet up, I told him I was tired. I didn’t want to go into a long ass conversation about how shitty my day was. But …….when I phone him to explain and he is instantly aggressive and unreachable I called it a day between us, as that night he was having food over his ‘friends’  and had no time to speak to me or sort it out. He told me I quote “Just go to sleep” after giving me grief about this tweet since the morning I woke up. So yeah, I am paranoid because he is back in a place where he dry humps, and fucks girls, kisses and explicit messages them and has a little whore base-up there….. but I am mental for that. I am fucking mental for that!! – Now you can laugh because he is not for the tweet. Even though the complete moron spent the whole Christmas living with me, knowing I do not talk or message any other guy. But when he lives for slags Ville where he has a lot of dirty history, I am not allowed to be insecure, or paranoid. Massively different set of ideas there right?

The thing is for as long as he is up there ….. and we are not in contact or together with the less I want to see or speak to him. The less I will be waiting around, or maybe thinking we could sort this out. Why?

because he does things and then lies about them. Then when we do get back together and I find out….. It’s sickening, that I didn’t even deserve the truth. So I will not be sat here being paranoid or insecure, I will be moving on with my life and not mourning the death of a relationship whereby my so called partner does not understand, respect, logic compromise or that being a hypocrite is not what I want in a partner. See when I left him last year because of his sleazy and lying and cheating ways I met another guy and started a relationship, and I was gifted with no paranoia, no cheating or aggressively nasty name calling insulting or degrading behaviour. So that tells me that it’s not normal to talk to someone like that…. treat them like that and make them feel so shit about themselves. I thought having another relationship with someone would actually make my ex-partner realise what he lost. It did, and up until about three weeks ago, we both agreed that me being with someone else gave him the kick up the arse he needed to sort himself out and man up.  He did, but then back in surrey, he  has turned back into the boy that repulses me. So it is not with a heavy heart I say goodbye to him. It is with a proud attitude I walk away, as I didn’t change or go back to a place that made him feel insecure because of all the girls, lies and fucking round. I simply put up a tweet saying I had a shit day, and that I was going to bed and that being in bed just made it seem worse. Funny thing is I would prefer a tweet, that would cause me a bit of concern opposed to someone physically going back to a place that instils such fear and negative feelings and thoughts to someone else. But, hey that’s just ‘mental me’ –

Thing is I won’t be crawling back to a man who calls me mental as he cannot comprehend the double standards the hypocrisy and empathise and understand the vast difference in HIM getting paranoid over a tweet because of HIS assumptions, and me not performing or going mad or crazy or as he loves to call me ‘mental’ because he went back to a place he fucked other girls and messaged and dated and dry humped a load and was sexual with  others. Maybe one day when he’s not blinded by his ignorance and selfish ways he will see this. But I won’t hold my breath. As he only realises when its too late….. only this time it really will be too late and he will have no one to blame but his attitude, his behaviour his aggressive ways.

 

So it’s 2017 and I have already upheld one of my resolutions I vowed to myself last year I would do, ‘If he dared to treat me like he did before, with a ring on my finger or not, I would leave him and walk, as I know what I deserve and want and if he cannot or won’t do it, then he is not a good contribution to my life my heart or head.

 

So it’s not my fight to fight, it’s not my fight to win. It’s my decision to walk away and in doing so I have gained more appreciation for myself and less for him. I have gained a sense of calm and a determination to not return or live out the next year like I lived last year. It’s not my fight as I refuse to fight someone so angry, immature and selfish. I rather take my fighting ‘time’ and invest it in me. I have already done two things I have booked a holiday to Mexico for me and my daughter and I have booked Cornwall for me and my daughter because family is what you invest in, as its the only thing that gives such support and love anytime it is required and even when it’s not. I am not looking for a man, to build a house with, or a boy to have a laugh with. I am looking for someone who knows and understand and holds the same principals for a family as I. Money comes and goes, friends change, but family cares and is there no matter what….. no matter who.

Heaven doesn’t answer the phone…….

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Nostalgia is so powerful, sometimes it can become almost crippling. The longing for the lost, the time past, the people, the smells, sounds, feelings, warmth or cold. A simple smell can propel me into such nostalgia of what i emotionally attached that smell too, someone i loved, someone i admired, or someone who inspired, and the fact they are no longer here. I am so happy when summer comes, as it symbolises to me a freedom i adore, to travel, to live free, from university and times of school. But with each summer that comes i loose something also, another year. Maybe another person or two, for different reasons. This summer i have had to stop and take account of how much my life has changed in the last five years. And how it has changed me. And how in the next five years i may loose more than i gain, or gain more than i have lost. Either way when I am sat alone, in a cemetery reading a book or a park or coffee shop and i see people interacting. The old the young, the lovers and strangers. I sit there and wish I could just pick up the phone and speak to my nan. Tell her about everything thats going on, that I am doing, that I want to do. And to hear her accent as she says she loves me before she hangs up the phone. I would so  sacrifice so much to hear that again, just one more time. Just one. To trace the sound of her breathing with the sounds she pronounces her syllables. Therefore this was my image to give to my nan, who never got to see my work, my talent, who never got to share this part of my life with me, but i know she would be so immensely proud of me. I hope she would be. I wish i could just phone her ……….. but heaven doesn’t answer the phone.

I missed you that little bit more today, mum.

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This continues with the dream series I am doing. I hate the fact that we have to loose people we love, through relationships falling apart or death… and also people moving sooooo far away. Even though I am not close to my mother the thought of her departing from this earth and leaving me orphaned…. ( I am 28 now hahha ) makes my soul ache with pain. Everyone has experienced loosing someone, and the hole they leave in your life, in your heart, knowing that no more memories with them will be made terrifies me so much. This image I was compelled to create, there is no prouder moment for any parent than when their child achieves something big, and every parent is proud when their child’s dreams come true. Its the biggest day in a woman’s life, the day she gets married, then followed by having a child. I have done mine backwards i had a child first, and now i will be getting married. However the one thing that we dont see in life, because most of us are so busy leading ours, is the fact that our parents are getting more frail, from their memories to their energy and their aura of a zest for life seems to dim. WHy? Because they are busy watching our life’s from the sidelines, the window, not wanting to interrupt, or disturb, but opening the door every time they are needed. For the lucky few of us who still have parents.

For those whom do not, this one is for you, because no matter what you achieve no matter what you aspire to be, know that your parents may not be there in physical form. But it does not mean they are not their in spirit cheering you on with your grandmother and grandfather as well, it doesnt mean that you alone, it means you have wider audience in the spirit world than most. And just because you cannot hold, or talk to a person, it doesnt mean that your memories will weaken, if anything they will grow, and them you can dance with, and smile about, and laugh and cry over. Because all of the love you cant pour over them now, you can over the countless memories, that are yours, forever and to replay whenever you so wish.

And thank you to my mum who was such a good sport on this shoot. It is a memory I will cherish.