The weight….

There are so many questions in which we yearn for answers, and through the course of life we wait for the answers to reveal themselves. Another year has slide into my past, from love and exhaustion of the weight of the questions i carry, I have come to realise the ‘questions’ we seek can only be answered by ourselves. We have faith in everything will work out for the best, the right decisions will lead us to some sort of peace and happiness. If i could inject a wicked cackle laugh here i would. But i cant, sorry. What if every wrong decision we ever make leads us still on the right path, only the path will teach us more than the right path, and thats the answer itself. That even the wrong path, the wrong decision is the right one, for self growth. I have poured out soul, to empty, on the wagon of love, believing it will lead me from the confusion and agony into the peace and balance i yearned for. Three months ago i told someone who i was involved in not to contact me ever again, I see the sticks of a triangle again being built by him. And i took charge and took away the stick that was me. And when i did this i realised for the wrong path i was on, (with him) i had now chosen the right path, the right decision. It was empowering, especially while i watched, i suppose as fate would from the sidelines waiting for my predicts to become a reality. And they did. At that moment i snapped my stick, not out of bitterness or out of hatred, but out of self love. I snapped it knowing i would never and could never put myself in a situation like that again.

The wrong path will be just as difficult as the right path, just as complicated and just as questioned. But what we learn from the wrong path is more than we will ever learn from the right path. And out destination will end on the same spot regardless of the path. Why? Because like a spiders web that is broken, there will be another silk string in tact that will lead you back to the point you needed to be. But with the added extra of learning something more important than we ever thought, or think possible, at present moments in time.

Some people seem to forget they always have ‘freewill’ under any circumstances, even when other people make decisions. The thing you will always retain is your free will, to which you can embrace or you can surrender in the blind hope that you can convince yourself you had no choice. That, it was the only choice you could make. But no matter how much you bury yourself in your lies, the truth is just under the surface… and always will be. The lies and dishonesty will weigh on the truth and your conscious. To be at peace with ones choices and perils is to receive the answers, even those which we do not want to acknowledge. Love and what it entails, delivers and drowns you in, how it leaves you, affects you and makes you doubt things from your life, to your family and your sanity is the most dangerous thing to invite into your life. Yet, we do, as humans, want to belong, need company, and a loving embrace. This is essentially what can bring up to the peak of happiness or plummet us into a hell that we have a 50/50 chance of surviving, but the burns and scars from this we will always wear as a wise man wears a crown of wisdom. Evolution of the soul can only ever be accomplished if you know that for every person, and situation you have ever been in has taught you something about yourself.

It is a weight, to wait… for the answers …. but never expect to ever have the answers when it comes to love. I rather study space or physics than love, as love has more infinite possibilities than quantum theory in my opinion. Even the wisest of gurus will not be able to advise you on love, the best you can hope to get from them is a speech about loving yourself. You can love another person more than you love yourself, you can love them in the purest of ways, in the deepest most self sacrificing of ways, but if they do not love themselves, how do you expect them to know how to love you? to understand love? relate to it? The truth is everyone has a different idea of love, and they dont always like the reality of it…. I believe in love, and that everybody has the ability to love and be loved. Pride, and ego are the only things that twist the idea of love, into the reality we reject. Unconditional love? nope, i do not believe in that… Love always is given with terms and conditions, what terms and conditions do you love on? what stops you from loving someone, what conditions do you put in place? what restrictions is your love tied with? Understand these questions, for they do not need answers, they need to be thought of and contemplated and then you can claim you have a 1% understanding of the complications of ‘love’.

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Something more … 

What occurs when you leave pieces of yourself in someone else … and they leave? 

It is a common thing to want to retrieve the pieces of you, that you once gave in good faith of it being treasured and protected. Cherished by the person whom you gave them too. But sometimes they leave and deny you them pieces, they take them and leave you unwholesome. Somewhat broken, incomplete. You have to accept the apology you never got and the truths that you were denied. It is a terrible fate to be incomplete and full of unanswered questions…. a wound that refuses to heal, despite the best nursing. 
For the thousands of years of the human race we still cannot love. We only choose who we want to love dependant on how they make us feel. In Greece some months ago on a visit I was in a place of limbo. My feet were in Greece, my heart given to a man in Norway, and my mind flitting from paranoia and hurt, to hope and resurrection. The culture of Greece was beautiful the people kind and welcoming.  One person in particular conjured something deep within me. Not for the way they washed me in compliments, as he didn’t, not for the way they desired me, which they never did show. Instead they watched me, from a far, from a safe distance. They watched the way people interacted with me, the way people were drawn to me, because I was just me, no mask, no pretence… just living in the moment. Yet this person was polite whenever they found themselves in mine and my daughters company. They become a friend, they saw me cry one day, as I wrote a blog. They stared concerned but darent not approach … and over coffee aromas and the Greek sun, we talked, we talked of love, of hurt, of life, and of all the different cultures and people.

They changed my perspective of specific things, things I never thought I could compromise upon. And we laughed, he laughed so well, so hard, we smiled, coy smiles. And we felt more than just the Greek sun when we were in each other’s company. My heart maybe wasn’t in Norway, maybe it was just burried. Maybe I burried it, to hide it, protect it.  

He didn’t believe in a soul, and yet I saw his… and it was kind, and patience, it was intrigued and it was respectful. Upon my last day I spent it with him, we spent it skimming pebbles in the sea, having coffee and never telling each other how much we actually were drawn to one another. He said to me he didn’t want to say goodbye to me when I left. I understood, as goodbyes tear me apart too. He left for work at half past six and he came to say goodbye, he kept his distance, but I could not. I threw my arms around him and burried my head in his neck, I absorbed his smell. It was divine, I let the evening sun burn my shoulders as I felt my body pressed against his. His embrace was not firm or tight he didn’t want to embrace me. And I knew it was because if he did embrace me, he would have to let me go. I held back the choking of my tears. And let him go, I  pushed him away and turned away from him. I didn’t see him leave…. but I felt it. 
I lay on the lounger and saw everyone’s eyes upon me. The girl who showed no interest in none of the handsome men who wanted to lavish her with attention and affection… who sort all week for hers. And to all of them I she denied it, including the person whom I now wished would come back and embrace me. Tight. 

Half hour passed by and my mind was torturing me…. my heart began to beat. I could feel it, but I dare not give it any attention. 

He returned to the pool area, a mirage I thought, until I seen the blood on his shirt, his brow tight with anger. The blood droplets marbling his pale blue work shirt. He stared at me as he passed and said nothing, my concern and panic fixated on him behind my sunglasses. In secret, and in love. When he stood alone in the toilets, I approached and stood in the doorway, I asked him of his safety? And he told me of a accident he had with his bike. A panic and concern rose in me, but a lustful desire to taste him overpowered me. I walked towards him my feet bare and his eyes gave in to me…I stood  infront of him and leant in… he grabbed me and thrust me up against the counter top… his hand grabbing at my thigh, raising my summerdress. I throbbed, I throbbed for him to kiss me harder and hurt me with passion and love.

 He did, my back cracked up against the steel tap, and I enjoyed the pain and the lust. His hand on my thigh, his body pressed up against mine, nothing else existed apart from his lips on mine, and his desire, my desire. My spine was electrified, something I had not felt for years…. a kiss can ignite so much in someone. I kissed him and he kissed me back and I tasted my future. 

The way he nursed the second syllable of my name like a dying lover as his heavy accent told me how he hated this kiss, was a goodbye kiss. In that drunken moment in despair and love, I promised to see him again. He left ten minutes late and my heart beat, not burried but firmly in my chest. The travel home was welcomed, but it was frought with tears and longing. 

As a summer love affair dies, and ours never really started…we both thought the feelings would fade, the thoughts of one another would evaporate. And the missing and longing would be replaced. They haven’t …. they won’t. It is the first time in many many months I realise I had left pieces of me in my ex lover in Norway… but I had some pieces of my heart left, and I gave one away in Greece. I had unanswered questions and so many lies left from my ex lover in Norway…. but the guy from the Greek island of kos, answered them for me. I am enough, I am worthy of being faithful too…. 

maybe sometimes we focus on all the pieces that are missing from us, that we forget to see all the beautiful pieces we still have left. And that we have to be more careful who we give them too. 

Fate brought me as a last minute to the island of kos. Fate brought me a friend someone to cross my path and show me something about the world and myself. And the universe brought him back to me so I could taste my future …. 

It’s ok…

Travel they say, experience new food and culture, meet new people and see new things. I did. I done it all, and it changes you. I travelled to Kos, with my daughter and I explored the whole island within 3 days. The person who got on the plane to visit Kos, was not the person who got back on the plane and returned to the UK. Whilst I was there i decided to risk everything, I drove on the other side of the road, It was something I didn’t think i could do, but i threw myself into it, like i do most things i want to achieve. Sink or Swim. I laughed, and felt freedom, and a weight lift.

I was in contact with someone fro my past who always had\did make me feel so self conscious, so low. And yet, the people i met there changed my whole perspective of life, love and people. Just because someone shows you no respect, it does not mean that you should not respect yourself. Reality is a perspective of a person, therefore one persons reality is not likened to another or deem able as being ‘right’. I also realised that if someone wants to think bad of you, then thats all they will think, no matter what you do, if that is what they think of you, nothing will change their mind. If people want to find fault in something or someone they will. But you can never gain anything positive from looking at something negative. You can never experience anything positive if you think negatively towards it. And if you never act positive towards something you will always receive a negative reaction. What someone ‘thinks’ you deserves is not what you should think you deserve. Everyone deserves respect and understanding. Anyone can be angry and impatient, it takes a real soulful human being to be kind and understanding. This may seem like a given, but it is not. Just because you can be nice to a stranger or to someone you know or care for it does not make you a good person. If you had a enemy infront of you or someone who had caused you hurt or pain, to be kind to them and understanding despite their misgivings makes you a genuinely good person. If you can tell the truth despite the consequences to yourself you are a good person doing the right thing for someone else. I had not had this in my last relationship. Lying and misguided truths was always a part of his life. Impatiences and lack of compassion or understanding was absent from his blood. Respect and fairness he would preach about but sparsley would show any to those who would show it to him. Ignorance was his morale high ground, and feelings were somewhat of a myth.

I could preach and i could enlighten any soul, but i prefer to say, that through being hurt and disrespected on a continual basis has strengthened me. Through a language barrier between me and a few people i met whilst in Kos i realised so much. Life is as complicated as you make it…… Even if it is raining, “Its ok” because tomorrow it may not, or “Its ok” because you are in your house. If you are hurting or upset with someone “Its ok” because you won’t be always. The amount of times i heard the phrase “Its ok” made me smile, as yes, yes it is ‘ok’. The simplicity of it being ‘ok’ the word being so simply made up of two letters but having such power within them to actually give comfort and a new perspective and reassurance is wonderful.

I played on the beach with leo and Tinisha, Leo taught me how to skim rocks, i was wearing a dress and was knee deep in the beautiful topaz sea. And overtime i could not skim a rock, the phrase came “It’s ok” Everytime it came tumbling out i smiled “Its ok, you can try again” I then seen the metaphor for my life, for every rock i could not skim, for everytime i tried and failed, it was ok, as i just try again. But it was nice to have someone say “Its ok”. My dress was soaking wet, and “It’s ok” because it will dry, and did within half hour. When i was deep in thought, and my mind wandering further than any country i could visit, it is ‘ok’ as for every thought and problem there is a resolution. Leo taught me and made me feel ‘alive’. I walked next to him wanting to touch him, feeling his energy, and feeling something tug in me. He crossed my path, and I crossed his, and I didn’t want to not walk on my path without him. But the end of my stay was hours away. 

When i sat writing my last blog post in the bar in lamb, i cried a little bit as it was a emotional day, a voice heavy with accent spoke “Lu-c why you cry?” i thought i could shed a tear or two without anyone noticing, i could do it in secret. Maybe it was the voice heavy with a accent that could only speak in simple english that allowed me to understand the simplicity of life, and love and the world. Maybe it is good to have fewer words to speak, maybe too many words complicate things too much. Simple English slathered with a heavy accent seemed somewhat refreshing and magical. There are few things in this world that are truly precious, love, respect, and loyalty are among the few i deem precious. Now i add one to this list, it is ‘time’, time and leo. Time is now a whole new level of precious. So is Leo. This last week i have spent time with my daughter, time traveling through a beautiful island, time with beautiful people and time by myself. I have also spend time thinking about things and time watching the world and its interactions. I have spent time listening to peoples stories and experiences and lives and i felt so privileged to of been given the most precious thing they have ‘time’, and they spent it talking to me. It is lovely. The laidback attitude of the people i met was refreshing and beautiful to be. I decided to delete my one email address from my phone as i no longer need to spend time with anything that comes through on that email address. I choose not to spend my time on anyone who thinks i deserve less than what i know i deserve. I decided simple words like “Its ok” are some of the most beautiful words i have ever heard.

And ‘Its ok’ to ask questions, and ask lots, because how else will i get answers, will i understand, will i learn or grow my perspective my knowledge and my beliefs if i do not ask. I always ask people questions, sometimes they are random, sometimes they are personal, other times they are philosophical, i ask because i am curious to how other people are similar or different to me in the way they think, see and have experienced life. For i will always be the girl that asked the questions that made them think more, that made them see that i am not just a pretty girl, I am a curious, fun, intelligent and witty girl. I am a talented, caring and compassionate girl, with a passion and lust for magic and beauty.

For what it is worth to anyone reading this…. and thinking too much or feeling too much “Its ok” it will get better it always does….. but Its ok to feel sad, its ok to feel anger, its ok to feel lost or confused, we are human and its ok to feel, its what we are made to do, to feel, some of us feel so deeply, and its ok because it shows we cared so deeply, loved so deeply and believed so deeply. That is not a bad thing, it is good, as it shows that we are more than what we think we care, and capable of.

Enlightement

If you surround yourself with cold dirt, then cold dirt is what will feel familiar … cold, dirt. If you surround yourself with warm and sand, then that two shall feel familiar. What we surround ourselves with becomes the perspective in which we perceive the world.
This is the same for whom we surround ourselves with, for if we surround ourselves with like minded people, life will be easy, and it will narrow, if we surround ourselves with people whom do not think like us, whom do not perceive the world as we do, we are enlighten. Enlightened to another culture, way of thinking, insight to the world, the revelations, diversity is the world from the ferns to the sky. They have nothing in common but the sky shall inspire the fern with its height, the fern shall inspire the sky with its cycle of colours throughout the season. Their is inspiration and englightment in everything, if you want to see it. The english langauge has the equivelent of 171,476 words. When talking to another person if you cannot use any of the 171,476 words to be kind, then maybe you should look to yourself for enlightement. A human being should be respectful to another human being. We have the same anatomical heart ….. our blood is the same colour. Our eyes as beautiful in all shades… our minds as beautiful as they are complex and unique. The thing that i love most about humans are their ability to change, to become better, more determined, to solve problems, to be kinder. We all have a soul and our soul deep down all wants us to be kind, to be loved, and to give love, and empathy and compassion. All you have to do is be enlighted to the feel and voice of your soul. Your soul is the person who wills you to do good. That if you do bad, was the deep ache and voice inside telling you not too, the voice and feeling you ignored, maybe because of your physical feelings and emotions. Emotions are physical, they can affect your soul, but they do not control your soul, only your reactions.

So … if i react poorly out of anger, it is my choice to react, this can be through being hurt, through guilt, frustration, but it will never be my soul, that will make me act with anger. If i should become upset and cry, I could cry out of frustration or physical pain, or loss, however because i have empathy this is directly linked to my soul, and i can become overwhelmed with empathy for someone and cry. This empathy can be linked to the soul as the soul is another thing all human being have, it is the coat hanger to the flesh we carry round with us everyday. The soul is energy, and sometimes we feel the energy of people before we see or know their intentions. If you feel uneasy with someone, its their energy, its their soul, it does not mean they are a bad person, as i said no soul is bad. But some people soul’s can be damaged, lost and somewhat stranded through the physical world we live in. If i was to be told every day i was worthless and i was beaten with insults and names, i could become angry at the world and other people for the way i was treated and my energy would be negative and my presences be felt as that way. I think some people are sent into our lives to help heal us, or our souls, to guide them a bit, love them a bit, and nourish them a bit. These people are the secret angels that empathise too much, love too much, care without restrictions, and only ever want the best healing for the damaged souls. But sometimes the damaged souls, lash and hurt ours in the journey of us trying to heal them. Unfortunately they sometimes never realise this, or the things we have done, the love we have purely spent, and that our scars as empaths are so much deeper than those of unaware beings.

Some times the damaged souls we are set on a path to heal will discard us when we are no longer required, and that is ok, that is their choice. Othertimes you wish that you could help them more, as their narrow minded earth brain is still not awakened and neither is their potiential. But sometimes you have to hold them out and let them go…. and hope they survive and do well with all you have given, and taught them.

Enough?

The most compelling argument I encounter with myself is wrapped around ‘enough’ Such questions as “Am I enough” or “Did do enough” and “when is enough, really enough”. These are arguments we all have with ourselves only sometimes we pose them in different ways. Positive negatives usually, “Did I do too much” or “Did I overdo it”. Either way, the questioning of ourselves never stops, it may recede but it will never prevail. Therefore should one obsessed over these such questions… inevitably we all do as we are slaves to the ‘precautions’ or ‘consequences’ that comes with interacting, performing and essentially every action we extend beyond ourself. The feeling of self-worth drives these questions into a long division of possible and certain answers, but with only one definite outcome; lack of self-belief and confidence.

I am blessed to have such a solid group of people admire and relate to my photography, I am privileged to call some people across the other side of the ocean a friend. I also am fortunate enough to have anyone who knows me, adore me and my outlook. I have used a medium on which to project my vision, my perspective and my feelings. This leaves me extremely vulnerable, it also empowers me too. There is a balance to everything. Too much sweet can rot your teeth, to much brushing can damage your gums. There is the balance, and it is in the process of learning and understanding a balance that we can not question what is enough or what is not enough. Balance is the most fundamental law of gravity, therefore the sky never has to question the coverage and the sea never have to question its depth. They both stay, equally where they are and exist in a balance.

If you have bipolar you very rarely find a balance. This is now my ultimate goal, to try, and find a balance. I haven’t posted or created many photos, but I have researched and bought props and I have been inspiring and filled a notepad with ideas for shoots and projects. Therefore my balance of not actually shooting has created a different form of balance in the theory not the practical. So for 2017 my aim is to find balance in many forms.

The idea 

Like all great accomplishments they start with a idea, a concept, a seed, from which is planted, nourished and explored. When a idea is nurtured it becomes a conceivable and realistic creation. The idea can only be a thought if one has the ability to see beyond the now. No idea has ever been conceived in the future, it’s impossible. But the thought of a idea that can materialise into something in the near or distant future is one in which we should all be working towards.

I can preach this to you, but I cannot convince you, only you can convince yourself of the possibilities you can achieve. Should you want. I have decided to start a project, this project is one which I wished to start after I had finished university. But due to the amount of stress and management of my bipolar the strain of uni became to much. It consumed me to the point whereby it made everything good in my life a chore and miserable. It made me someone I did not want to be. My enthusiasm and my creativity and lust for life disappeared. My bipolar moods and anxiety intensified. And no medication helped. So I made a decision, that I would take a break from my last year and come back to it at a later date. As when I am happy and enthusiastic then everything around me and everything I do is done with love. And like a plant that’s been planted, if it is loved and nurtured it will bloom so beautiful and strong. But if it is neglected and not given ones full attention then It will weep and perish a lot quicker. It will be weak and pale. So I decided that I was to nurture myself in order to bloom. And this is ok to do, to remind yourself of why you love life.

I have decided to dedicate a year of my life to pursuing my dreams, my writing and my photography, and starting up my business. This will be a year whereby I explore a new set of skills and strengths and weaknesses of myself. I am excited and nervous but I have a supportive network of people around me. That I cherish so much and I know believe in me more than I believe in myself.

So I have decided to explore a project whereby every week I will be creating a image, sometimes maybe more than once, but I will only do so should I find pleasure in it. Within every picture I will be detailing my inspiration, my reasons, and my idea and my execution. I will blog with every picture, the weakness in the image the strength and the flaws. The reason I will do this is for myself and others. I know most people will see a image and perfection, but, this is not the case to the creator. But instead of being critical of myself and my work I will use it as a opportunity to focus on my strengths. I have a different type of photography I want to explore also. I am a surreal/conceptual/ artist. But I want to push in the direction of photography whereby I can use simple images to create maximum impact. I will do self portrait work but I am also going to branch out and start using models so I can focus on my photography and editing.

I have decided to use this project as a platform to detail and accurately portray mental health affects. The secondary affects it has and the taboo it encompasses in society and culture. Every week I will be peeling my skin off and delivering it to you on a coat hanger. I aim to do this no matter how difficult this is…. I also want to inject some positivity as I know that we can all do with some motivation. As kindness and compassion can create such unity and understanding. So I want to promote and idea …. if I can insert a idea into other people, and give them a idea, of what bipolar is, what it encompasses, how it can be managed, understood, helped, admired, or related too. Then my idea has been conceived into a accomplishment.

who are/were you?

Are you comfortable in your skin? is there a hollow or a ache, a longing or a absent sense of belonging? Yeah thats ok, i have it too. A piece of me is missing. I have my own black hole inside me. But, I am ok with that. I haven’t blogged in a long time, due to alot of reasons. When i become somewhat depressed if you will. I close down. I let very few people in. This is normal – I am told. My photography has always been a strength or resource to get me through the depression, to release the emotions the thoughts, to set them free. Before my lungs implode, from holding my breath, while screaming at myself not to cry. I learnt a very sharp lesson a few weeks ago.I was hospitalized because of previous physical problems. And in that week I learnt who everyone around me truly was. I had people who were two faced finally splatter how they felt and who they were at me. It was disgusting, and to be honest a welcomed relief. I wiped away the bitter and cynical slathering of a perspective that was projectile vomited onto me by this person. There was another person who i also let go from my life. This was a figure who comes with expectations when they are blood related, or at least paternal. But, i had alot of closure from their departure. A sense of relief and a knot that disintegrated in my stomach as soon as I saw the ‘real’ them. Again i wiped away the negativity that spat from their tongue. And like a snake shedding skin i felt anew. I decided to loose a man from my life and it was ultimately the fact that whenever i come to be in a situation whereby all i needed was emotional support, he is beyond unavailable. He was more….. ummm in a selfish coma of his own. But, there agin he always was. |I saw this man foe who he was, selfish and ignorant, and arrogant. I had seen these traits before, but they stung a little more this time.

When the fluorescent lights click off and the distant cough or shuffle of bed sheets on a ward are all you are comforted by. You realise who you actually would love to be there with you. The constant drugs through IV keep me numb enough not to scream or cry myself to sleep. The thoughts that whispered like the blue dressed ghosts on the night shift came and went. Leaving a sting in my body, somewhere. While in hospital i lost the choice. I had been told i was ‘lucky’ to survive. I had been told ‘it is time.’

It is a phrase that whirls as i go to sleep now….. ‘It is time.’ The time whereby a decision is made by you, for you. Or it is a decision made by another for you. I made so many decisions in that hospital stay. To lock two people out of my life. To welcome the one in and try to not loose him – i’m still working on that one. Also to never let myself believe or trust the intentions or words of the compulsive sleazy liar i knew didn’t care for anyone but himself and his needs. I made a decision he was a boy. He was/is/always immature, selfish and gutless. A coward to himself. I left that hospital knowing my dad loved me, even though he was estranged (through no fault of his own) for my childhood through to my adulthood. It was time to make a decision, and I did. I went to Paris and done my wedding work. I tried to make something work and I failed. Well i didn’t, just some people will never change its in their DNA. I decided to finish my last year in Uni and go to my graduation ceremony next year – I wasn’t going to go. And i have to book seats. So i decided that i want my dad to see one of my achievements, as he was denied so many. My uncle, whom is a/was a massive influence in my early years and later years in my life. Even his absences was a influence.A driving force so to speak. And my daughter as if it weren’t for her I am pretty certain i wouldn’t be here. And because she has had to sacrifice certain things while i study, and never once has she complained. The child who has given me more of everything, and anything, than i could ever hope to give.

The people in my life now are people whom I dearly love. From BBQs up my amazing dad’s, with my closest friend James, and my oldest friend Mark, to the ever surprising Justin. All of these men know me. They know me and observe me and connect to me for different reasons. These men combined have a weight to them. A sturdiness in my life. They have such vastly different backgrounds, and previous and current professions, and hobbies and interests. Yet, me my dad, James, mark and Justin sat with a current of intrigue and interest in each other. A genuine one a pure love, and energy driven by respect and principals. It would of taken my Uncle to of been there for it to be my favourite place and scene in the whole world. The lesson I learnt that night, was what comes with love. With the love I can relate too and understand. If i know someone loves me I can feel it. I can feel it in their energy their tone. And then i know i am safe. Thats all anyone wants to be, is to be loved and safe. With being loved as a child by my uncle, I felt, I was safe. A protector from the woman i called my mother. – so If freud had any theories the early childhood linking of love is a pretty solid one for me.

So now I am a month on….. I am free of cervical cancer. I am awaiting a big operation. I am at peace with the people in my life. I love and dote on each one and thank the universe every day for their existence. As I was able to compare the standards I should hold a man too, what a man ‘should’ be and what a person should hope to be. I am never going to be comfortable in my skin, locked in a purgatory with my mind. But, I am comfortable with being uncomfortable. I laugh alot, I smile at every beautiful sky. I watch the way everything can be magic if you look at it from the right angle. I am excited to close a chapter on a person I never thought i could ever possibly not want in my life. But, with what they brought with them, I am happy they took it all with them too. My anxiety is beautiful my nails are long. My quick witt is back and my dark humour. My passion for life and fun and love is seeping from every pour. I broke and now ‘It is time’ to put everything back together again. My way. For me. As thats what i deserve and i will take from the universe, everyone and everything that ignites me.

 

Finally today someone said to me “Being around you luc, it kinda feels like being around someone famous, or different – Like the way you light up, and are so raw and honestly funny. The way your are its like a bubble and when i see you in person its surreal. Its like you give me something, but you dont give me anything. I just feel good” – I am hoping that  what he said i took the right way. I am a spark, I am light, and I can make someone feel alive. Its a gift. Its what makes me, me. And those who meet me or spend anytime with me, will understand what this means. Today soothed my soul in a way i needed it lifted and rejuvenated my energy. (she says at 1am)

 

Its ok to be lost, as long as you’re not lost and hurting people. Thats not ok.