Something more … 

What occurs when you leave pieces of yourself in someone else … and they leave? 

It is a common thing to want to retrieve the pieces of you, that you once gave in good faith of it being treasured and protected. Cherished by the person whom you gave them too. But sometimes they leave and deny you them pieces, they take them and leave you unwholesome. Somewhat broken, incomplete. You have to accept the apology you never got and the truths that you were denied. It is a terrible fate to be incomplete and full of unanswered questions…. a wound that refuses to heal, despite the best nursing. 
For the thousands of years of the human race we still cannot love. We only choose who we want to love dependant on how they make us feel. In Greece some months ago on a visit I was in a place of limbo. My feet were in Greece, my heart given to a man in Norway, and my mind flitting from paranoia and hurt, to hope and resurrection. The culture of Greece was beautiful the people kind and welcoming.  One person in particular conjured something deep within me. Not for the way they washed me in compliments, as he didn’t, not for the way they desired me, which they never did show. Instead they watched me, from a far, from a safe distance. They watched the way people interacted with me, the way people were drawn to me, because I was just me, no mask, no pretence… just living in the moment. Yet this person was polite whenever they found themselves in mine and my daughters company. They become a friend, they saw me cry one day, as I wrote a blog. They stared concerned but darent not approach … and over coffee aromas and the Greek sun, we talked, we talked of love, of hurt, of life, and of all the different cultures and people.

They changed my perspective of specific things, things I never thought I could compromise upon. And we laughed, he laughed so well, so hard, we smiled, coy smiles. And we felt more than just the Greek sun when we were in each other’s company. My heart maybe wasn’t in Norway, maybe it was just burried. Maybe I burried it, to hide it, protect it.  

He didn’t believe in a soul, and yet I saw his… and it was kind, and patience, it was intrigued and it was respectful. Upon my last day I spent it with him, we spent it skimming pebbles in the sea, having coffee and never telling each other how much we actually were drawn to one another. He said to me he didn’t want to say goodbye to me when I left. I understood, as goodbyes tear me apart too. He left for work at half past six and he came to say goodbye, he kept his distance, but I could not. I threw my arms around him and burried my head in his neck, I absorbed his smell. It was divine, I let the evening sun burn my shoulders as I felt my body pressed against his. His embrace was not firm or tight he didn’t want to embrace me. And I knew it was because if he did embrace me, he would have to let me go. I held back the choking of my tears. And let him go, I  pushed him away and turned away from him. I didn’t see him leave…. but I felt it. 
I lay on the lounger and saw everyone’s eyes upon me. The girl who showed no interest in none of the handsome men who wanted to lavish her with attention and affection… who sort all week for hers. And to all of them I she denied it, including the person whom I now wished would come back and embrace me. Tight. 

Half hour passed by and my mind was torturing me…. my heart began to beat. I could feel it, but I dare not give it any attention. 

He returned to the pool area, a mirage I thought, until I seen the blood on his shirt, his brow tight with anger. The blood droplets marbling his pale blue work shirt. He stared at me as he passed and said nothing, my concern and panic fixated on him behind my sunglasses. In secret, and in love. When he stood alone in the toilets, I approached and stood in the doorway, I asked him of his safety? And he told me of a accident he had with his bike. A panic and concern rose in me, but a lustful desire to taste him overpowered me. I walked towards him my feet bare and his eyes gave in to me…I stood  infront of him and leant in… he grabbed me and thrust me up against the counter top… his hand grabbing at my thigh, raising my summerdress. I throbbed, I throbbed for him to kiss me harder and hurt me with passion and love.

 He did, my back cracked up against the steel tap, and I enjoyed the pain and the lust. His hand on my thigh, his body pressed up against mine, nothing else existed apart from his lips on mine, and his desire, my desire. My spine was electrified, something I had not felt for years…. a kiss can ignite so much in someone. I kissed him and he kissed me back and I tasted my future. 

The way he nursed the second syllable of my name like a dying lover as his heavy accent told me how he hated this kiss, was a goodbye kiss. In that drunken moment in despair and love, I promised to see him again. He left ten minutes late and my heart beat, not burried but firmly in my chest. The travel home was welcomed, but it was frought with tears and longing. 

As a summer love affair dies, and ours never really started…we both thought the feelings would fade, the thoughts of one another would evaporate. And the missing and longing would be replaced. They haven’t …. they won’t. It is the first time in many many months I realise I had left pieces of me in my ex lover in Norway… but I had some pieces of my heart left, and I gave one away in Greece. I had unanswered questions and so many lies left from my ex lover in Norway…. but the guy from the Greek island of kos, answered them for me. I am enough, I am worthy of being faithful too…. 

maybe sometimes we focus on all the pieces that are missing from us, that we forget to see all the beautiful pieces we still have left. And that we have to be more careful who we give them too. 

Fate brought me as a last minute to the island of kos. Fate brought me a friend someone to cross my path and show me something about the world and myself. And the universe brought him back to me so I could taste my future …. 

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I dated a psychopath…. 

Some people come into our lives and leave such a profound effect, in a positive or negative way. Unfortunately I dated a psychopath, literally, I have discovered he had all the traits of a clinically diagnosed pyschopath. It started four years ago, and after nine months I found out he had been messaging other girls. I forgave him, and then two months later I found out he had been leading a double life with his ex. Mine during weekdays and she would go down his on the weekends that I was working. Our relationship spiralled and a triangle of damaged ensued. I do not blame his ex even though she could of been more respectable in the situation and spoken with me. Instead a year long head fuck ensued. He would lie to her, lie to me. Tell me she was a psychopath and was trying to ruin our relationship. He also said the same to her about me. Every time I would end it within days he would set up a fake profile and contact me via social media. Every time I blocked his number he would use a pay phone, every new number I got, he would get hold of it. In a year I went through 17 different numbers. And broke up with him countless times over his pathological lying. But he could charm the knickers off a nun. He has always been a sleazy fucker. I found so many explicit messages on his phone to random girls. Each time he would give me a sob story make out it was my fault as I was not giving him the attention or affection he craved, I felt bad. So I would try to do more, I always seemed to have to keep his attention and compete with other girls. I didn’t trust him and I would be paranoid. He showed such little remorse and empathy for the mental frame of mind he had put me in. 

This wasn’t the problem so much as I saw such a sweet and thoughtful side to him. He was egotistical and would say ‘I can make any girl fall in love with me’ I thought this was a disgusting way to behave, and I told him so. After two and a half years I decided to break away as he would not stop messaging, flirting and hooking up with other girls. He had no self control and no self respect. And I lost all respect for him. How could I be proud of the man I was with when he didn’t respect me or other women or himself. I started seeing someone else after three months. And he was so annoyed and depressed about this. As a naturally caring person I told him that he had caused this and had no one to blame but himself. But like any pyschopath he never accepts the true stem of the blame. 

He seemed so genuinely heartbroken and so genuinely gutted. And I felt bad. I knew he had such a good sweet side, now I see how fake that was and how powerful he was at manipulating. He manipulated everyone from people who he met to people he wanted something from, attention or to do a tattoo on. He would flirt with them lead them on and then when he got what he wanted he would blank them. The thing with a psychopath is they have a almost natural ability to intrigue you and hold your attention, make you feel special. He would, he could do that so easily. And I took the way he could be so sweet and so lovely as the pure side of him. He needed me, he didn’t love me. Someone who loves you does not treat you in such ways. I would never be able to accept his truth. Because it’s was not the truth, it was a version he would want me to believe or maybe he actually believed. I caught him out with so many girls. He would tell me nothing had happened and I have found out how he had slept with so many girls. Though ironically when I started a relationship with someone else he actually mad me feel so bad when I ended it with that person and got back with him. He would say how horrid I had made him feel, how much damage I had done, yet all the while massively underestimating the damage he had done. But here’s the funny thing, you can not argue and ever be right with a psychopath as they live in a different reality to you. They don’t empathise, they don’t see anything from anyone else’s opinion or experience only their own. 

He had a bad childhood, so I would put his anger down to insecurities from childhood. They weren’t insecurities they were just his unresolved issues and his true nature. He had no patiences for anyone who would disagree with him. He had no time for anyone who would not benefit him in anyway. But he liked me, as I was very empathic I was very challenging and intelligent and would catch him out. To him I was a challenge it was as game, and he always thought he was above everyone else, he would call any other guy a ‘mug’ or a ‘groupie’ and say how pathetic they were …. this was because they challenged everything about him, they were good people. And should I dare to see that, I would see even more of his flaws. He had no friends, and didn’t bother with his family. 

He had no male friends as they would of seen straight through him. Female friends he could not have either as he did not know how to be friends with a female without using them to his sick advantage for attention and sexual gratification. And they were so easily manipulated they didn’t pose much of a challenge, like a lion playing with a mouse. 

When I confronted him ever about any of his sexual encounters I would be met with nastiness and lies and blame on me. If we argued within hours he would be messaging another girl with dick pics and flirting. When he got fed up with that girl he would always come back… and I was the idiot that took him back, believing this time he had learnt his lesson. He never did and never will. Because he travels for work he has freedom and no self control. Not a good mix for anyone. Every time I thought he was being faithful or being real, he was just biding time, he didn’t change as a person no matter how good I was or patience or understanding. He just changed tatic the game was still being played. Some people would think ‘oh he’s a fuckboy’. No he is a pyschopath. 
I could only get the truth by actually messaging other girls and asking them. And unfortunately although they had no loyalties to me I got more of the truth than I ever did off him. Which is fine. It shows what type of person he is. Unfortunately sometimes he would tell the girls I was a ex or I was a stalker obsessed with him. 🤣  and sometimes they would believe him, like I said he has charm and is a skilled manipulator. Then I would have the girls eventually when he disposed of them as they served him no purpose no more, message me and say that they actually lied to me, because he asked them too and because he said these things about me. He would call me a psycho for messaging these girls, and be smug when they lied for him. WHO DOES THAT. Then he would make me feel bad for not believing or trusting him. Yet when I found out then that they had lied and he had lied and confronted him with the truth and evidence he would rage. 

Now, I am not a stupid person, despite this actually sounding as if I am. But when you love and care for someone you do not want to see their evilness. Not when they are so skilled at showing you such a beautiful person too. I fell in love with a pyschopath. And he damaged me more than anyone else I have ever and could ever meet. It’s easy for a pyschopath to move onto to new victims and you’ll find they never have a friendship or relationship with anyone including family  that has been sustained over a long period of time. Why? Because they cannot sustain a pure relationship of any kind. They only see people for gain, like a hunger that they need satisfying. When the hunger has been satisfied they know the hunger will strike again so they always have someone else lined up. Life and love to them is a series of gains, and they do not take kindly to being challenged or defeated.  They will work extremely hard in their profession or passion to be the BEST they can be, because they can’t stand to not be admired or looked highly upon. They are powerful people and they need to feel it, otherwise they actually become more self destructing. They will do anything to be seen as the best and will always get what they want, by any means necessary. 

There was a time when we would break up and I would pine for him as he was somewhat my best friend. After finding out so much now, there is no longing. There is nothing. It’s taken 4 years to break free …and see him for what he truly is. And for me to finally say, wow I am not the problem here, he is. Nothing was ever enough for him. No one will ever be enough for him. He will constantly want more, he will never be a committed person to anyone, as he can’t even commit to himself. 

The scars of our past and how we treat people will stay with us for a lifetime and karma will give you back more than you put out. His meaningless sex with random girls, his random sexual gratification, it is all a empty gain. At the end of it he will be such a damaged person his soul will emit this and his vibe will drive away anything good from his life. He will end up diseased, and lonely, even if he is in a relationship with someone he will still be lonely and unhappy. He will keep messaging other girls and self destructing. He is his own worst enemy as he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour or actions. But that is ok longer my problem. And I no longer want to save or help him, which is something that kept me with him far too long. 

His new girl knows nothing of him, and his ability to act so cold and so mean to her has yet been proved…. I feel sad for her … for while she is being loyal she has no idea of his patterned behaviour. See the thing is if it happens more than twice there is a pattern …. and a pattern is not easily broken as it is engrained in your mind frame. And if he justifys his actions and behaviour to himself then he is right. And he never shows remorse….. why? Because he has justified it already to himself. 

I am healing myself an not sleeping around, I do not want or need attention to feel attractive or validated. I do not need to rely on the opposite sex to like me or boost my ego. I respect myself more than that. I respect myself enough to work out the issues I have now with trust and men. I will heal myself and my mind frame. I will enjoy myself by being myself and being the pure and caring person I am. I need not impress no one else, but myself. Because I am essentially my own best friend. I am working on my self esteem and confidence as a pyschopath definitely strips that away from you. I am happy to live my life alone, until I meet someone who is essentially as spirituality intuned with themselves as I will be. 

And my pyschopath ex? He will go from girl to girl, country to country, seeking and searching for something that will satisfy him. Unfortunately he will have failed relationships upon failed relationships and they will all be because of his pyschopathic personality and inability to identify an feel anything pure. He will essentially create a hell for himself inside himself that he will never be able to flee from… no girl or place or country will be able to take that feeling of desperate lonlieness away. One day I hope to hear he has sought professional help. Because all he will leave behind is a lot of damaged people, because of how damaged he is and damaging he can be. 

I know now I have a very bright and healthy future. As I can fix myself as I know what is wrong, what damage has been done as I am brave enough to acknowledge my flaws, the ones I have naturally and the ones that have been inflicted on me. And I choose not to inflict my issues or insecurities on anyone else at this stage in my life. As no one else deserves it. And when I do decided to date at least I will have a more promising future of a relationship than he will have. I will have resolved issues and be able to be myself, not a manipulated  version of myself to suit someone else’s gain. I won’t have crippling anxiety either …. 

People come and go in our life… and sometimes letting go of someone is less damaging than holding on. Some people do not change, will not change, and don’t know how to change. In order to break a cycle you have to first see it, and then want to break it. Emotional and mental abuse is more damaging than physical abuse as it’s leaves no visible scars, just insecurities and trauma. I have never had to have therapy after a relationship, but with a pyschopath, you need therapy. 

I always thought me and him had something special. The revelations that I have found out have finally helped me to realise how damaged and disgusting he is as a person. I am repulsed that I had ever loved him, and stayed so long. But I did because I didn’t want to believe I fell in love with a actual monster. And real monsters don’t hide in shadows or under your bed, they are in human form and they destroy your head. I was not a angel, but I was faithful and true, I  was paranoid because of what he had caused, and I was never the best person I could of been when I was with him as he encouraged a needy and panicked side of me that obsured the person I truly am. I lost myself loving someone else. I lost my faith, trust, confidence and my light, I lost everything good about me, because I tried to offer it to him and he destroyed it. But it is so natural for me to me a loving, and caring person, who is not malicious or devious. So I know I will embrace that fully and build on it completely. As that is the real me, the one who cares too much and never gives up. 

If I had to give him one last sentence … it would be ‘I hope they have mercy on your soul’ – I do not believe in god, but whoever handles the souls, they need to have mercy on his. As I am not the first person who has loved him and he has destroyed and I doubt I will be the last. 

Fear and its two faces ….

Its has been a while, blogging for me is like praying t a god i have never acknowledged before.

What happens when you give a person unlimited freedom? – They become who they really are. It is the same when a relationship ends, the person or the traits of who they were that you didn’t like become ever so more prominent. This i suppose is the most heartbreaking thing of a relationship, because as much as you did not like the attributes, and tried to deny them to yourself, in order to smooth over the relationship. To maintain it, no matter how unhappy it made you. When it’s over and you see the person for who they really are, selfish, self-absorbed, sleazy, and without discipline, it shows that the time you wasted trying to convince yourself otherwise is lost. The emotions you invested are lost, and the thoughts you had to fight with daily took up so much time and heartache was eventually so unavoidable because of who the other person REALLY was. We all like to convince ourselves and others we are good people. But who are we when we think no one is looking or no one will find out? That’s who we really are. We all like to think that given any type of situation we will do the right thing, but the right thing has consequences, is it the right thing for us (selfish gain) or the right thing for someone’s else ( no gain for us, just drama/trouble etc, but happiness for someone else)

The way we think of ourselves is crucial in how we attract and how comfortable we are with ourselves and others. They say the things you like about other that you hold in such high regard are the things you most like about yourself. I think this is pretty accurate. I appreciate honesty, and loyalty, i love someone ho has a good sense of humour, who loves to be creative or artistic and likes weird stuff and philosophical stuff. I like all these things about myself too. I have realised that I do actually like a lot of things about myself, based on what I like in other people. Especially emotionally, I like someone who is patience who is calm and compassionate, people who are empathic and caring is such a beautiful thing in another human. These are also things i am. The flip side, however, is that the things we dislike or even hate about other people is what we also dislike about ourselves, as we have to try very hard not to indulge yourself in this behaviour. I dislike liars because i could lie, i could lie so easily, but i refuse to…..I could be a slut, or a flirt or a sleazy girl, it would be easy for me, i am pretty talents and have a great personality. Though i chose not to indulge in something so immature and self-destructive. I dislike people who have quick tempers as it takes alot to keep mine under control as i have trained myself not to flare off.I dislike people who let their emotions run off because i can let this happen and it ends up hurting both myself and those around me.

We are complex little being. We are also in such denial about ourselves as our perspective of our self is so flawed. I got asked by my therapist to ask people who are close to me and who are not “What is your perspective of me, and my life” This is not to take on board what these people perspectives are or judgements, and correct myself accordingly. It is to see if they have the same perspective of myself and my life, in which i reflect, to them, on social media, and through my behaviours. In this process i then have a idea of what the people watching the movie of ‘Lucz’ sees and witnesses what they value and are interested in, what they like or sympathise with, what they do not like etc. SO then from that i can compare it to my perspective of myslef, as i am not viewing my story, i am essentially the one that is behind the scenes. I know the set, the characters, the storyline, the tragedy and the accomplishments, that others do not see, or which i may not share or reflect in case of rejection, judgement, and my perception of what is deem able as a accomplishment or tragedy.

Like a turtle in a shell, when i am hurt or scared i hide in it, i do not go wild, i hide, i seek safety. An interesting point i thought. But inside that hard shell is a soft and beautiful creature. A creature that knows when to hide, because of how fragile she is.

FEAR – This old friend. Is actually very healthy. Without fear, we wouldn’t know its what we wanted. To feel indifferent about someone or something shows its not what you want, its just a simply or easy thing to disregard. Fear shows we want it, we believe in its magic, the fact it will challenge us, draw out another side of us, new emotions, and a different kind of life/ experience that we have may have had something similar before …. and enjoyed and valued it in some way therefore we fear it as it was a experience that helped us grow, feel and live and change us differently to who we were before, what life was before. Fear shows interest, shows a soulful attachment to delve into what could nurture us into another world/life/ experience and happiness. If we have the courage to let us feel the fear and embrace stepping over the other side of fear.

Enlightement

If you surround yourself with cold dirt, then cold dirt is what will feel familiar … cold, dirt. If you surround yourself with warm and sand, then that two shall feel familiar. What we surround ourselves with becomes the perspective in which we perceive the world.
This is the same for whom we surround ourselves with, for if we surround ourselves with like minded people, life will be easy, and it will narrow, if we surround ourselves with people whom do not think like us, whom do not perceive the world as we do, we are enlighten. Enlightened to another culture, way of thinking, insight to the world, the revelations, diversity is the world from the ferns to the sky. They have nothing in common but the sky shall inspire the fern with its height, the fern shall inspire the sky with its cycle of colours throughout the season. Their is inspiration and englightment in everything, if you want to see it. The english langauge has the equivelent of 171,476 words. When talking to another person if you cannot use any of the 171,476 words to be kind, then maybe you should look to yourself for enlightement. A human being should be respectful to another human being. We have the same anatomical heart ….. our blood is the same colour. Our eyes as beautiful in all shades… our minds as beautiful as they are complex and unique. The thing that i love most about humans are their ability to change, to become better, more determined, to solve problems, to be kinder. We all have a soul and our soul deep down all wants us to be kind, to be loved, and to give love, and empathy and compassion. All you have to do is be enlighted to the feel and voice of your soul. Your soul is the person who wills you to do good. That if you do bad, was the deep ache and voice inside telling you not too, the voice and feeling you ignored, maybe because of your physical feelings and emotions. Emotions are physical, they can affect your soul, but they do not control your soul, only your reactions.

So … if i react poorly out of anger, it is my choice to react, this can be through being hurt, through guilt, frustration, but it will never be my soul, that will make me act with anger. If i should become upset and cry, I could cry out of frustration or physical pain, or loss, however because i have empathy this is directly linked to my soul, and i can become overwhelmed with empathy for someone and cry. This empathy can be linked to the soul as the soul is another thing all human being have, it is the coat hanger to the flesh we carry round with us everyday. The soul is energy, and sometimes we feel the energy of people before we see or know their intentions. If you feel uneasy with someone, its their energy, its their soul, it does not mean they are a bad person, as i said no soul is bad. But some people soul’s can be damaged, lost and somewhat stranded through the physical world we live in. If i was to be told every day i was worthless and i was beaten with insults and names, i could become angry at the world and other people for the way i was treated and my energy would be negative and my presences be felt as that way. I think some people are sent into our lives to help heal us, or our souls, to guide them a bit, love them a bit, and nourish them a bit. These people are the secret angels that empathise too much, love too much, care without restrictions, and only ever want the best healing for the damaged souls. But sometimes the damaged souls, lash and hurt ours in the journey of us trying to heal them. Unfortunately they sometimes never realise this, or the things we have done, the love we have purely spent, and that our scars as empaths are so much deeper than those of unaware beings.

Some times the damaged souls we are set on a path to heal will discard us when we are no longer required, and that is ok, that is their choice. Othertimes you wish that you could help them more, as their narrow minded earth brain is still not awakened and neither is their potiential. But sometimes you have to hold them out and let them go…. and hope they survive and do well with all you have given, and taught them.

who are/were you?

Are you comfortable in your skin? is there a hollow or a ache, a longing or a absent sense of belonging? Yeah thats ok, i have it too. A piece of me is missing. I have my own black hole inside me. But, I am ok with that. I haven’t blogged in a long time, due to alot of reasons. When i become somewhat depressed if you will. I close down. I let very few people in. This is normal – I am told. My photography has always been a strength or resource to get me through the depression, to release the emotions the thoughts, to set them free. Before my lungs implode, from holding my breath, while screaming at myself not to cry. I learnt a very sharp lesson a few weeks ago.I was hospitalized because of previous physical problems. And in that week I learnt who everyone around me truly was. I had people who were two faced finally splatter how they felt and who they were at me. It was disgusting, and to be honest a welcomed relief. I wiped away the bitter and cynical slathering of a perspective that was projectile vomited onto me by this person. There was another person who i also let go from my life. This was a figure who comes with expectations when they are blood related, or at least paternal. But, i had alot of closure from their departure. A sense of relief and a knot that disintegrated in my stomach as soon as I saw the ‘real’ them. Again i wiped away the negativity that spat from their tongue. And like a snake shedding skin i felt anew. I decided to loose a man from my life and it was ultimately the fact that whenever i come to be in a situation whereby all i needed was emotional support, he is beyond unavailable. He was more….. ummm in a selfish coma of his own. But, there agin he always was. |I saw this man foe who he was, selfish and ignorant, and arrogant. I had seen these traits before, but they stung a little more this time.

When the fluorescent lights click off and the distant cough or shuffle of bed sheets on a ward are all you are comforted by. You realise who you actually would love to be there with you. The constant drugs through IV keep me numb enough not to scream or cry myself to sleep. The thoughts that whispered like the blue dressed ghosts on the night shift came and went. Leaving a sting in my body, somewhere. While in hospital i lost the choice. I had been told i was ‘lucky’ to survive. I had been told ‘it is time.’

It is a phrase that whirls as i go to sleep now….. ‘It is time.’ The time whereby a decision is made by you, for you. Or it is a decision made by another for you. I made so many decisions in that hospital stay. To lock two people out of my life. To welcome the one in and try to not loose him – i’m still working on that one. Also to never let myself believe or trust the intentions or words of the compulsive sleazy liar i knew didn’t care for anyone but himself and his needs. I made a decision he was a boy. He was/is/always immature, selfish and gutless. A coward to himself. I left that hospital knowing my dad loved me, even though he was estranged (through no fault of his own) for my childhood through to my adulthood. It was time to make a decision, and I did. I went to Paris and done my wedding work. I tried to make something work and I failed. Well i didn’t, just some people will never change its in their DNA. I decided to finish my last year in Uni and go to my graduation ceremony next year – I wasn’t going to go. And i have to book seats. So i decided that i want my dad to see one of my achievements, as he was denied so many. My uncle, whom is a/was a massive influence in my early years and later years in my life. Even his absences was a influence.A driving force so to speak. And my daughter as if it weren’t for her I am pretty certain i wouldn’t be here. And because she has had to sacrifice certain things while i study, and never once has she complained. The child who has given me more of everything, and anything, than i could ever hope to give.

The people in my life now are people whom I dearly love. From BBQs up my amazing dad’s, with my closest friend James, and my oldest friend Mark, to the ever surprising Justin. All of these men know me. They know me and observe me and connect to me for different reasons. These men combined have a weight to them. A sturdiness in my life. They have such vastly different backgrounds, and previous and current professions, and hobbies and interests. Yet, me my dad, James, mark and Justin sat with a current of intrigue and interest in each other. A genuine one a pure love, and energy driven by respect and principals. It would of taken my Uncle to of been there for it to be my favourite place and scene in the whole world. The lesson I learnt that night, was what comes with love. With the love I can relate too and understand. If i know someone loves me I can feel it. I can feel it in their energy their tone. And then i know i am safe. Thats all anyone wants to be, is to be loved and safe. With being loved as a child by my uncle, I felt, I was safe. A protector from the woman i called my mother. – so If freud had any theories the early childhood linking of love is a pretty solid one for me.

So now I am a month on….. I am free of cervical cancer. I am awaiting a big operation. I am at peace with the people in my life. I love and dote on each one and thank the universe every day for their existence. As I was able to compare the standards I should hold a man too, what a man ‘should’ be and what a person should hope to be. I am never going to be comfortable in my skin, locked in a purgatory with my mind. But, I am comfortable with being uncomfortable. I laugh alot, I smile at every beautiful sky. I watch the way everything can be magic if you look at it from the right angle. I am excited to close a chapter on a person I never thought i could ever possibly not want in my life. But, with what they brought with them, I am happy they took it all with them too. My anxiety is beautiful my nails are long. My quick witt is back and my dark humour. My passion for life and fun and love is seeping from every pour. I broke and now ‘It is time’ to put everything back together again. My way. For me. As thats what i deserve and i will take from the universe, everyone and everything that ignites me.

 

Finally today someone said to me “Being around you luc, it kinda feels like being around someone famous, or different – Like the way you light up, and are so raw and honestly funny. The way your are its like a bubble and when i see you in person its surreal. Its like you give me something, but you dont give me anything. I just feel good” – I am hoping that  what he said i took the right way. I am a spark, I am light, and I can make someone feel alive. Its a gift. Its what makes me, me. And those who meet me or spend anytime with me, will understand what this means. Today soothed my soul in a way i needed it lifted and rejuvenated my energy. (she says at 1am)

 

Its ok to be lost, as long as you’re not lost and hurting people. Thats not ok.

Compartmentalisation …..

Well, hello.

For those who read these things heres a few lessons….life is a puddle and you human made up of 97% water. To live you need to drink. So whether that be sicking, sipping, splashing, or face-planting that puddle to truth of the matter is the puddle is your means to living. So instead of saying life sucks, stop sucking from the puddle and splash in the damn thing. I have learnt it is sometimes what you need to do to smile while you are staying to survive.

‘Triggers’  – So I am bipolar. Hate being labelled but i have to admit i am learning things i wouldn’t if i wasn’t. Thats got to be good right? Well I know everyone has triggers to things that make them angry or sad. Well, I have a massive trigger that doesn’t so much trigger my emotions as my moods. Its kids. Other peoples, I cant stand them. To be around them or to even look at them. I have never been the most maternal woman in the uterus, and my uterus now is literally just for show. But it is children, they affect me so bad. I think its because as a person with bipolar i need stability and to a certain degree, control. Control of who is around me, as adults, their behaviour is somewhat more stable than a child. I recently went to a trampoline centre with my daughter and a friend. I had no intention of jumping on trampolines and my anxiety wasn’t the best (social situations another major trigger) However i was in the indoor centre less than two minutes before i bolted quicker, faster and more wild than any horse. What is it with screeching kids? Kids who scream. I cannot handle it, whether it be with fun or pain, or upset I cannot stand the screeching of a child. Now im sure a few of you think this maybe callus. But, as a woman a human I am entitled to say as I please and to not feel guilty for how i feel. I do not like other peoples children. I have no control over them so if the parent becomes angry at the child in my presences my mood plummets as then i have to be around a crying, or screeching or sulking or tantrum throwing child. The adult seems to go oblivious to this where as im in hell. The fact also some parents choose not to discipline their children ( i do not mean beating them, but being able to warn them that their behaviour will have consequences should they continue) So the child just goes around, ( in my house is the worse) with as much respect or regard for personal space as genital warts. This makes me detach so much from the people and children. I just want them gone as soon as possible. Which i suppose is why i never work  (photograph) children. As parents seem to think this thing that escaped their ball sack, or fell from their uterus is the most perfect thing in the universe, and does not need any moulding or refining. This is why society is slowly being ruined. Parents like these. Which in-turn makes me not like venturing out into society, as there are ‘these’ parents and ‘these’ children.  This may seem like such a harsh blog, but to those who know me i never sugar coat anything, for anyone. I am not that person.

So my ‘trigger’ is children, other peoples as they affect my mood so quickly and so intensely. Its the younger children more the 5yr old and under i suppose. Yes, those. I seem to be anxious around children which slowly begins to drain my emotions. Should this carry on for a prolonged period, just from this encounter alone, the following day i feel drained and numb. A bit dazed and not connected to reality. I find my friends children the worse, opposed to strangers children. Though some strangers children have that ‘i don’t care who you are’ attitude towards them and will just outright be a spoilt little brat. But friends children see me as more familiar…. which I do not like. As they then feel more comfortable to display negative behaviour around me which makes me become completely cold towards my friends as i want them to leave. Its a trigger. A trigger that always puts me in a mood I do not like. Its a trigger that will then ‘fuck me’ over the next day as the anxiety, the caution, the annoyance and the combusting anger i have to supress drains me so bad, i cannot cope with life the next day.  So another little lesson I learn is how much emotional impact things can have on me that i have not paid attention to before. The way a friend can argue with his/her partner on the phone, and if i am there and stuck (i have no car to escape in) it becomes a ‘trigger’ that emotional impacts me so bad that i don’t want to see that person again for a good few days. Because, to be honest, If i wanted to witness or be involved in a argument i would create one or i would watch people argue. It takes me hours to even be able to even smile after being subjected to that. Which then makes personal relationships difficult. As you don’t just get into a relationship with the person you like. You have to get involved in a relationship with their mother or father and siblings and friends. NOOOOOOO THANK YOU. As people come with their own problems, work, job, house, issues, and normal things. Which i can handle, but then their parents or siblings or friends are somewhat attached and bring their issues to the person you are in a relationship with… which then means you have to deal with them, although you didn’t sign up for that shit. Well i never do. I think of it like, your family? Is your family, your problem part of your life to deal with. ( don’t get me wrong if their mother needed a blood transfusion and i was a match i would do it in a heartbeat, but thats because i’m a good person, not because i like other peoples families. Other peoples mothers fathers etc have that attachment that warped perspective of their child or sibling and their loyalties will always be with them, not matter if you marry their son, friend or sibling. It is just the way it is. SO i learnt my lesson. Just  be civil and polite, avoid family gathering and social events, as this is just another situation whereby (if they know you have a mental health issue you are not judged, and you wont be put in situations that ‘trigger’ your mood to spiral) PERFECT SOLUTION to me. That way i have my own little world with my partner he still has his own friends and family etc and i have mind. There is no need for them to cross, or  burden our relationship as a couple or each other.  As lets face it when your relationship breaks down with your partner and it never really ends amicable not straight away anyway, then any relationship you have with THEIR family, THEIR friends breaks down too. FACT.

One thing in which i have decided to do it to be more selfish. I have decided if a mother of mine cannot be bothered to text or to phone me, or ask how her granddaughter is. That is ok. That is fine. I will not chase after a relationship with someone just because I have alike DNA to them. Neither shall i be bitter at the parent who puts a wedge between her two daughters and granddaughters by only bothering with one lots and not the other. That is her choice and i respect that. It saves me having to listen to the mother whine about the other daughter or bills that everyone has to pay and to turn such trivial things into such overpoweringly dominate things to create drama is mind-blowing to me. Life is complicated enough without wanting to complicate it even more. Any one with any form of intelligence in my opinion should consider two things when facing a problem or potential problem.

1) Can i control the problem or situation or change it?  If the answer is no, then accept it and move on.

2) Can i control or change or alter this problem and the way I feel? If the answer is yes, you can. Then do it, nobody needs to know about it, nobody really cares but you when it comes down to it, so quit wasting time and sort it. problem solved. Time saved. Be happy again.

Some lessons are learnt the hard way, some lessons are never learnt. The only lesson we should ever be taught both at home and in school is – ‘You have one life, so does every one around you, one day they will leave or you may. Do your best to leave them with good memories and a positive impact and you only get one ‘true’  chance with someone, any other chances are just because the person is polite, not because you deserve it’

Now i will bore you a little with his image and my concession of recent images, which i think have a additional element within them. The Art. I do like photo manipulation but the process from;

sourcing dresses

making props/buying them

to finding a location/another model

to taking the photogrpah setting up, ensuring all angles are covered etc

to them coming home syncing in lightroom and then editing

between taking coffee breaks, replying to texts, altering my you tube playlist

sourcing stock images or rummaging on my hard-drives for mine.

To the naming layers the lighting balancing and the sewing together seamlessly about twenty different photos I am then left with one image upon my screen. That i usually am never completely satisfied with.

But……….These last few of heavily manipulated photos i have been happy with. They are not as emotionally throat punching as my portraits. I like that. As sometimes even i look at some of my Portraits and I am like…WOW…FUCK LUC thats deep, or dark or rendering. Whereas alot of my heavily manipulated photos have more of a story….. than a emotion. But still can be something of a emotional piece if one attaches a emotion like the one that inspired me to create said image. So These last few images have been about change, rebirth, enlightenment and somewhat cleansing myself. My mental health hit a pinnacle point. And the only thing that calmed or soothed me and let me escape from reality was editing. As anyone who knows anything about lightroom or photoshop will understand how complex a interface it can be. A friend or two has helped, James because he is the Angel that has been ripped of wings and condemned to live on earth…..Poor sod. And more unfortunate for him he crossed my path a few years ago. But a kindred soul he is, and the person who is helping me to create a utopia out my garden, now my dog has died. I love a graveyard and James is helping me cast tombstones and lay some grass. I am so excited for this, i cannot comprehend the words. Not the fact i will have this graveyard out my garden but the fact he suggested we do it, and that he is the one pushing for it…. and the fact whenever i shall sit in my garden, James will always be the memory that i remember. The memories we shall create, casting and practicing, painting and laying the memories that make people the worst kind of people when they leave…. as then i’m left with painful splinters of memories that hurt every time they are remembered. Then i have a beautiful friend who isn’t a close friend but she is close enough and long enough old a friend by almost twenty years to know that my child will always be safe for as long I need that security should anything happen to me. There are a precious few people who come into your life and never leave… sometimes just sitting on the side lines. Then you have other people who cross your path… and you learn something from them… They never stay, they never mean what they say. So to those people, the door was open, now it is closed. Another chance i’m sure will arise because i’m polite, but the ‘true’ chance has a headstone in my garden ready to be laid.

These recent pieces of Art have not been inspired by sadness, as much and many of my images are…. but of progress, each one I am climbing unsteady chairs…. Or morphing from a human to a raven, symbolising freedom. The dark within me being wild and taking flight. The elements of nature, Earth, Air , Fire and water…. and me…..’Spirit’ The symbolic blue dress is the morpho butterfly i adore. Which cycles through a life recently like mine, Or I, like its. The UNKNOWN, was a image whereby i walk down steps and hands from beneath the slates wait hungrily for me. This was massively to do with a brief interaction I had with a man. He was the unknown, and I was walking blind. Lesson learnt. The puppet, and puppeteer with my Tim burton styled background, symbolised a lover i once had. Who showed me what i could have a lover and a happy life, but he was in control and it was never a situation that he proved we would ever be in. So i left. This was shortly followed by the skeleton and I sat on the floor. The skeleton my ex lover, the smoke from his cigarette another girl he would bring between us…. and me. It was me seeing what our relationship really meant to him, those precious memories, of laughing smoking and drinking coffee were nothing more than wasting time. The Egg timer and I, Is where my fears lie. This was me acknowledging my mental health was rapidly fading, and the less time i had, the more erratic i became. Then the last one within my ‘Progress’ images was me sat up against a wall with my demons, and how i fell back into their traps… how they laugh and mock, how the light in the corner seems like a escape… but misery loves company, and i know that I am not alone, with my demons, but in the light, in the scape, in the new batch of pills, i may never again find me.

So this is me…. and today, I like me. Someone gave me my smile back, and a happiness in my heart… but tomorrow they have the claws to tear it apart… lets see what becomes of us……

The puppeteer’s fear….

Theres love, and then theres control.

Which one you use on another human symbolize’s your insecurities, or lack there of.

Once upon a time…… there was a man, he was seen to be charming and sincere, he was seen to be attentive he was seen to be genuine. But, the tragedy of the story lay not with the princess but with the boy. As he never knew what love was.  He could neither give or receive the thing he wanted to feel the most. He met a girl, destined to meet, fate had decided this was what they both needed. They met, one fell in love, the other never did, he got the power. She was his puppet and him, the puppeteer.

Then one day after breaking in all of the ways a heart can break, shatter and splinter, crack and melt, hers did. She had no love left to give, she had bleed her love out in what she thought was a fruitless love. She crawled away, exhausted, defeated. Her mind was sore, oh so sore and confused. For why had fate gave her this man, this lesson, this hurt? she gained nothing, fractured faith, and injured perception of what she thought this man could be. She wallowed and healed and accepted the truth….. He never and would never love her true.

Then before the end, he returned, he tied again her in his control… he played with her mind, made her doubt the value of her worth. What he did not know was she was already too far gone, she had buried him. Fate had revealed the reason why she had to suffer so…. because this man and his cruel ways gave her something one day that not he could then ever take away. A chance. A introduction, to another man. He was tender, he was kind. He fell in love with this damaged girl and offered her nothing more than a key to his home and a place in his world. No coarse tone he ever used, no lies dripped from his lips, and he vowed to protect those he loved. He knew what love was and he knew the story … The story she didn’t have to tell him. He seen it in her eyes, he knew of the man that made her die and tied her in hell. He knew of the man who wanted to drag her back… and he offered her to go….. and she said no. In his arms she felt safe… in his home she knew she wanted to wait.

The puppeteers fear came when she no longer wanted to play… she had cut the strings, and chose to believe the red string of fate, was not cruel to her by mistake. She knew it was to lead her to this man who knew hurt, who knew sorrow and who knew love. Breaking free had never come so easy…… as soon as she seen what real love could be.

To be able to appreciate the sweet, one must be able to have tasted the sour. For the tastebuds to have burnt under the acid…. then slowly heal … so when you taste the sweet it makes love to your mouth, it intoxicates your mind and you know –  Nothing else will ever satisfy you again…..Not like this.