To roam…. 

Experience is the foundations to which we build our perceptions. Our perceptions of people, countries and cultures and of ourselves. There is nothing more terrifying than taking the first step to understand yourself and your surroundings. For some people they can never break the restraints of fear. The fear they or others have bound them with. To travel even to another city within your country could be too terrifying. Especially if this is out of your comfort zone. I was late in starting my traveling and roaming the earth. My first step was driving on a motorway up to England. It terrified me, and my anxiety was extreme. But after I got to England, it became a regular journey. My first plane ride with my daughter and fiancé terrified me. But since I have traveled on planes alone, just with my daughter and with my friends and partners. Now it is as normal to me as it is to go to the corner shop. I first drove on the other side of the road in another country this year. It built my confidence. So then on my next adventure I hired a car that had the steering wheel on the opposite side, of what I am use too, and drove on the opposite side of the road than what I am use to. I drove in one of the craziest places with driving and manoeuvring, I have ever encountered, the south coast of almafi. The roads barely let two cars drive through, the roads are winding and built onto the side of the steepest mountains. There’s no sense of safety, the Italians are crazy brave drivers. The moped users are even crazier. I stepped out of my comfort zone again today and used public transport the local bus service. I have used trains and metros and cabs and trams before but never buses. 
So here is the plight, travel, get lost its the most beautiful experience. The other side of fear is accomplishment, confidence and a deeper perspective and understanding of yourself. I have learnt so much more about myself through traveling. I have also been blessed to be able to allow my daughter the experience of traveling to different countries and meeting various people and cultures. Now my daughter has seen me drive a motorcycle abroad, use public transport drive a car and be completely confident in my exploration of different parts of a country. To her this will be normal, even whilst doing these things I was terrified, BUT I never let her see that, because fear is contagious and I would never want to breed fear into my daughter. So now she would be able to confidently navigate through a airport, fly on a plane, and explore her destination as if it was her own country. My daughter I have enabled to have a deeper sense in self, she has learnt languages she never would of otherwise, met beautiful people, and seen how other people live, through this she has seen and experienced more than just a hotel complex catered to bristish tourists. For that I am proud, as she has submerged herself into the experience as much as I have and been rewarded with confidence and insight, and a sense that travel is normal. Something I never had growing up. I took my first holiday on a plane at the age of 24. And in the years that followed my sense of identity and awe of the world has grown bountiful.

We are given so many opportunities in life to grow, like a flower would never deny itself of water or sun, why should we deny ourselves the opportunities to grow and experience our world. The flower does not refuse water incase it may drown, or sun, incase it may get burnt, it just grows and accepts the water when it is given the sun when it is present and it dances in the breeze, full of bloom and life. Be a flower, only be a flower that allows itself to roam, roam the earth you have been given, take the opportunities that come your way, and always try to get on the other side of fear as then, and only then can you truly say “I know who I am, and what I am capable of”

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It’s ok…

Travel they say, experience new food and culture, meet new people and see new things. I did. I done it all, and it changes you. I travelled to Kos, with my daughter and I explored the whole island within 3 days. The person who got on the plane to visit Kos, was not the person who got back on the plane and returned to the UK. Whilst I was there i decided to risk everything, I drove on the other side of the road, It was something I didn’t think i could do, but i threw myself into it, like i do most things i want to achieve. Sink or Swim. I laughed, and felt freedom, and a weight lift.

I was in contact with someone fro my past who always had\did make me feel so self conscious, so low. And yet, the people i met there changed my whole perspective of life, love and people. Just because someone shows you no respect, it does not mean that you should not respect yourself. Reality is a perspective of a person, therefore one persons reality is not likened to another or deem able as being ‘right’. I also realised that if someone wants to think bad of you, then thats all they will think, no matter what you do, if that is what they think of you, nothing will change their mind. If people want to find fault in something or someone they will. But you can never gain anything positive from looking at something negative. You can never experience anything positive if you think negatively towards it. And if you never act positive towards something you will always receive a negative reaction. What someone ‘thinks’ you deserves is not what you should think you deserve. Everyone deserves respect and understanding. Anyone can be angry and impatient, it takes a real soulful human being to be kind and understanding. This may seem like a given, but it is not. Just because you can be nice to a stranger or to someone you know or care for it does not make you a good person. If you had a enemy infront of you or someone who had caused you hurt or pain, to be kind to them and understanding despite their misgivings makes you a genuinely good person. If you can tell the truth despite the consequences to yourself you are a good person doing the right thing for someone else. I had not had this in my last relationship. Lying and misguided truths was always a part of his life. Impatiences and lack of compassion or understanding was absent from his blood. Respect and fairness he would preach about but sparsley would show any to those who would show it to him. Ignorance was his morale high ground, and feelings were somewhat of a myth.

I could preach and i could enlighten any soul, but i prefer to say, that through being hurt and disrespected on a continual basis has strengthened me. Through a language barrier between me and a few people i met whilst in Kos i realised so much. Life is as complicated as you make it…… Even if it is raining, “Its ok” because tomorrow it may not, or “Its ok” because you are in your house. If you are hurting or upset with someone “Its ok” because you won’t be always. The amount of times i heard the phrase “Its ok” made me smile, as yes, yes it is ‘ok’. The simplicity of it being ‘ok’ the word being so simply made up of two letters but having such power within them to actually give comfort and a new perspective and reassurance is wonderful.

I played on the beach with leo and Tinisha, Leo taught me how to skim rocks, i was wearing a dress and was knee deep in the beautiful topaz sea. And overtime i could not skim a rock, the phrase came “It’s ok” Everytime it came tumbling out i smiled “Its ok, you can try again” I then seen the metaphor for my life, for every rock i could not skim, for everytime i tried and failed, it was ok, as i just try again. But it was nice to have someone say “Its ok”. My dress was soaking wet, and “It’s ok” because it will dry, and did within half hour. When i was deep in thought, and my mind wandering further than any country i could visit, it is ‘ok’ as for every thought and problem there is a resolution. Leo taught me and made me feel ‘alive’. I walked next to him wanting to touch him, feeling his energy, and feeling something tug in me. He crossed my path, and I crossed his, and I didn’t want to not walk on my path without him. But the end of my stay was hours away. 

When i sat writing my last blog post in the bar in lamb, i cried a little bit as it was a emotional day, a voice heavy with accent spoke “Lu-c why you cry?” i thought i could shed a tear or two without anyone noticing, i could do it in secret. Maybe it was the voice heavy with a accent that could only speak in simple english that allowed me to understand the simplicity of life, and love and the world. Maybe it is good to have fewer words to speak, maybe too many words complicate things too much. Simple English slathered with a heavy accent seemed somewhat refreshing and magical. There are few things in this world that are truly precious, love, respect, and loyalty are among the few i deem precious. Now i add one to this list, it is ‘time’, time and leo. Time is now a whole new level of precious. So is Leo. This last week i have spent time with my daughter, time traveling through a beautiful island, time with beautiful people and time by myself. I have also spend time thinking about things and time watching the world and its interactions. I have spent time listening to peoples stories and experiences and lives and i felt so privileged to of been given the most precious thing they have ‘time’, and they spent it talking to me. It is lovely. The laidback attitude of the people i met was refreshing and beautiful to be. I decided to delete my one email address from my phone as i no longer need to spend time with anything that comes through on that email address. I choose not to spend my time on anyone who thinks i deserve less than what i know i deserve. I decided simple words like “Its ok” are some of the most beautiful words i have ever heard.

And ‘Its ok’ to ask questions, and ask lots, because how else will i get answers, will i understand, will i learn or grow my perspective my knowledge and my beliefs if i do not ask. I always ask people questions, sometimes they are random, sometimes they are personal, other times they are philosophical, i ask because i am curious to how other people are similar or different to me in the way they think, see and have experienced life. For i will always be the girl that asked the questions that made them think more, that made them see that i am not just a pretty girl, I am a curious, fun, intelligent and witty girl. I am a talented, caring and compassionate girl, with a passion and lust for magic and beauty.

For what it is worth to anyone reading this…. and thinking too much or feeling too much “Its ok” it will get better it always does….. but Its ok to feel sad, its ok to feel anger, its ok to feel lost or confused, we are human and its ok to feel, its what we are made to do, to feel, some of us feel so deeply, and its ok because it shows we cared so deeply, loved so deeply and believed so deeply. That is not a bad thing, it is good, as it shows that we are more than what we think we care, and capable of.