Don’t feed what you don’t want to gain strength ..

I lived as I wanted to live, by the notion that love conquers all. I loved, I lost, I grew, I collapsed. I became everything and nothing all at once. “She was magic” they will say one day about me. That’s what the men say who gravitate towards me, for neither do I flirt or encourage or beckon to me. They just know something about me is different, like a storm, a mystery. I was once called a ‘epiphany wrapped in a enigma’. It is only now I understand the meaning behind that sentence. Some people are on this earth to awaken things within you, to lead you to something, save you from something or to simply teach you something. 

For men have taught me my greatest lessons in this life, how they can lie carelessly, decieve easily, and manipulate skillfully. I admire their cold blooded nature, it is through these harsh lessons I can now judge and manover through their plights, and ploys and dismember their tactics. It is through men I have discovered my strength and my power. I have loved few men, trusted even less, and found comfort and safety in none. My strength and power comes from knowing I provide more for myself than any man ever has. Therefore I do not need a man, I need a warrior to understand he has a goddess, not a toy. 

I layed under the sun in the Greek islands not long ago and conversed with a soul thrown into my path. His manners were beautiful his soul so pure, his olive skin and deep brown eyes glowed. I think I fell in love with him, in the way you fall in love with a beautiful piece of art. You look at the piece of art, maybe a painting, and you see only what you can comprehend through your own experience. It’s like a mirror it reflects back to you what you know is there but forget to acknowledge. In falling in love with him I fell in love with myself.  I fell in love with my laugher again, like he fell in love with the way I laughed. I fell in love with my eyes, because he fell in love with the way they spoke, he learnt a language not many learn and I allowed him to learn. From all the men, I felt safe with him, as his soul stood taller than him, and spoke louder than him. I learnt lessons too, and he allowed me too. It was pure ….. nothing was laced or poisoned. 

It wasn’t a holiday fling, as nothing happened between me and him, but it was a chance for souls to sing. We found something and it will always be a precious precious precious memory. He, he was like no man I had ever met before, and he confessed I was the most ‘magic and entrancing’ girl he had ever came across. Can you fall in love with someone in three days ? No. You can fall in love with them in a second. And that’s the beauty of love, it’s like art, you can make it beautiful, you can make it raw and complicated, elusive, or you can make it your masterpiece.  Everything is art, from the way one moves, or dresses, to the way one speaks or listens, art is love. Art is a expression of love. 

My greatest pieces of work, poems or pictures come from love. Love is so transcendent ….. the forms it takes the layers it creates, it is like the ever expanding universe, rarely glimpsed at, vastly misunderstood and forever changing and evolving in its dimensions. 

I have transformed through being loved and loving someone, many times. I have found myself in love and lost myself to love.  I have been in heaven and hell because of love. Love takes you places you never thought possible. Love is it’s own antidote. I don’t ever want a love that can be compromised …… I have finished with the mortal perspective of love. I want the spiritual connecting love. And my life until it crosses my path again will continue on. Sometimes you have to starve something in order to see its strength and determination to forgo one life source for another. I had this done to me, I starved, I was starved. But I didn’t die. 

Men have taught me my greatest lessons, that is ‘don’t feed what you don’t want to gain strength’. It’s a lesson I wear in the way my eyes speak and my body moves. The questions I ask and the reserved smile I have. I have been through some storms, but I would not be as beautiful if I had not endured them. A journey is to learn…. and for I have learnt … but a transformation can only be successful if you realise everything that ties you to your past needs to be removed. Everything. If something is to be fresh and clean and pure, it needs to not have any residue from before ….. as you are not starting a fresh, you are building on the residue of before which crumbled for you before ….

Sacrifice is always required for new .. and acknowledgment and confronting the past is always a need to understand how to let go 

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This is problem…

This is my fourth day in kos,Greece. I understand why people say that Greece is one of the most beautiful places on earth. It is one of the few truths that i have heard leave peoples lips, and Kos is no exception. The people are very friendly, the weather is beautiful, and if someone asked me to choose two colours to sum up Greece it would be blue and white. Two colours i have never really liked, yet here they are beautiful, they compliment one another. They work. Its ironic that it is also the colour of their flag.

In the last four days I (and my daughter) have travelled the length of Greece. It has been my first time driving on the opposite side of the road. Something i never thought I would be able to do. But i done it. From hiring a motorbike, to driving a buggy. The scenery has been beautiful, the uneven tan i have from driving each individual vehicle is now marked on my body. My journey through the wonders of Kos i will be wearing back to the UK (home) in a few days.

The people are so friendly, they all seem to have fallen in love with my daughter and her beauty. Its is strange to be honest. They all ask me “Where is your husband?” something i found out is; that to have a child ‘one’ must assume you have a husband as well. Which is quite different from the way one perceives you, if you have a child in the UK. The men are so polite over here. I spent some time talking to a few about their culture their home life and the way they perceive the world through their upbringing. The world ‘Gentleman’ holds the same values and description which the word holds to someone born in the UK. Gentleman- should be refined in the dictionary as a ‘dying breed of men’.

One thing however i have found interesting is the perception of love and respect, men and women have over here. The women are very respectable and strong figures. The men are very respectable and have good values when viewing a woman in what they look for. Is Love a universal language that everyone speaks? Yes it is. But few understand the language or appreciate the attachment and the significance attached to it. The bottom line is a man is a man, and a woman is a woman. They fit certain stereotypes no matter that the circumstances.

I asked a question “If you have a girlfriend you have a relationship with one woman, do you think it is ok, to sleep and be with other women” I asked this primary out to curiosity from my own wanderings and hurt, from my interest in the difference of relationships in different cultures. The one man replied,
“I live in Albania and i come out to Kos to work for 7 months, so i can not go without doing something for that time. If i see pretty girl i like i do something” I asked if he would tell the girl whom he is in a relationship with. He said “No. Why i would tell her?”

That broke my little heart in men and relationships. As it is the common practice of men to think this way. Men can separate sex and love and commitment so easy. Maybe women can too, maybe thats why i can’t understand the way men can do it because i am not one of them women.

To my relief another guy spoke and said “You can do that? there is not something right with your relationship. If you love you can not do that, you do not feel like you want to be with someone else, no one else you like.” – This guy was by far the most morale guy. I liked his view of love and towards women and relationships. There is a million questions that i asked and the answered and they asked and i answered. They told me stories of their lives, and interesting perspectives. They tried their best to actually understand me, apparently English people talk very fast. I taught them a very polite word to ask someone to repeat what they said, if it was spoken to fast…’Pardon’
They would speak to me and if i did not hear or understand them i said ‘Pardon?’ They found this an amusing word. So now when i leave in two days a little bar in kos, Greece will say ‘Pardon?’ to the British people they do not understand. That makes me so happy.

I came to Greece a bit lonely and a bit down with my perspective of things, and with not much confidence in myself or the world, men, love or purpose.

I wot go home cured or with a new lease of life, I will just go home and be happy with the people i exchanged a few stories with and that gave me a few precious moments of their time and their life to me. I have also learnt that in Greece only two things are certain ‘Death and Taxes’ – I suppose its good to know.

I know that when a greek has more than two mosquito bites that “This is problem” A statement i laughed too hard at. They hate the mosquito bites just as much as anyone else and the mosquitoes just love blood, they are not fussy of race or gender.

Fear and its two faces ….

Its has been a while, blogging for me is like praying t a god i have never acknowledged before.

What happens when you give a person unlimited freedom? – They become who they really are. It is the same when a relationship ends, the person or the traits of who they were that you didn’t like become ever so more prominent. This i suppose is the most heartbreaking thing of a relationship, because as much as you did not like the attributes, and tried to deny them to yourself, in order to smooth over the relationship. To maintain it, no matter how unhappy it made you. When it’s over and you see the person for who they really are, selfish, self-absorbed, sleazy, and without discipline, it shows that the time you wasted trying to convince yourself otherwise is lost. The emotions you invested are lost, and the thoughts you had to fight with daily took up so much time and heartache was eventually so unavoidable because of who the other person REALLY was. We all like to convince ourselves and others we are good people. But who are we when we think no one is looking or no one will find out? That’s who we really are. We all like to think that given any type of situation we will do the right thing, but the right thing has consequences, is it the right thing for us (selfish gain) or the right thing for someone’s else ( no gain for us, just drama/trouble etc, but happiness for someone else)

The way we think of ourselves is crucial in how we attract and how comfortable we are with ourselves and others. They say the things you like about other that you hold in such high regard are the things you most like about yourself. I think this is pretty accurate. I appreciate honesty, and loyalty, i love someone ho has a good sense of humour, who loves to be creative or artistic and likes weird stuff and philosophical stuff. I like all these things about myself too. I have realised that I do actually like a lot of things about myself, based on what I like in other people. Especially emotionally, I like someone who is patience who is calm and compassionate, people who are empathic and caring is such a beautiful thing in another human. These are also things i am. The flip side, however, is that the things we dislike or even hate about other people is what we also dislike about ourselves, as we have to try very hard not to indulge yourself in this behaviour. I dislike liars because i could lie, i could lie so easily, but i refuse to…..I could be a slut, or a flirt or a sleazy girl, it would be easy for me, i am pretty talents and have a great personality. Though i chose not to indulge in something so immature and self-destructive. I dislike people who have quick tempers as it takes alot to keep mine under control as i have trained myself not to flare off.I dislike people who let their emotions run off because i can let this happen and it ends up hurting both myself and those around me.

We are complex little being. We are also in such denial about ourselves as our perspective of our self is so flawed. I got asked by my therapist to ask people who are close to me and who are not “What is your perspective of me, and my life” This is not to take on board what these people perspectives are or judgements, and correct myself accordingly. It is to see if they have the same perspective of myself and my life, in which i reflect, to them, on social media, and through my behaviours. In this process i then have a idea of what the people watching the movie of ‘Lucz’ sees and witnesses what they value and are interested in, what they like or sympathise with, what they do not like etc. SO then from that i can compare it to my perspective of myslef, as i am not viewing my story, i am essentially the one that is behind the scenes. I know the set, the characters, the storyline, the tragedy and the accomplishments, that others do not see, or which i may not share or reflect in case of rejection, judgement, and my perception of what is deem able as a accomplishment or tragedy.

Like a turtle in a shell, when i am hurt or scared i hide in it, i do not go wild, i hide, i seek safety. An interesting point i thought. But inside that hard shell is a soft and beautiful creature. A creature that knows when to hide, because of how fragile she is.

FEAR – This old friend. Is actually very healthy. Without fear, we wouldn’t know its what we wanted. To feel indifferent about someone or something shows its not what you want, its just a simply or easy thing to disregard. Fear shows we want it, we believe in its magic, the fact it will challenge us, draw out another side of us, new emotions, and a different kind of life/ experience that we have may have had something similar before …. and enjoyed and valued it in some way therefore we fear it as it was a experience that helped us grow, feel and live and change us differently to who we were before, what life was before. Fear shows interest, shows a soulful attachment to delve into what could nurture us into another world/life/ experience and happiness. If we have the courage to let us feel the fear and embrace stepping over the other side of fear.

Rawity ….

There are people who cross our path, there are people who blow up our path and those who we find along the way of our own path.
There’s a select few that will be standing and joining us on the journey of our walking. I have overcome a lot the last few weeks, although it feels like months. I have encountered a new array of people, and I have disposed of a lot of people. But I have done so with dignity and love. Just because you remove people from your life, your path it does not mean that you should lash hate or bitterness towards them. The world encounters enough hate from, rude, uneducated and inexperienced people, don’t be one of them. Especially when you can be better than them, anyone can set off a bomb, and destroy what has taken time and love to build. It takes the mark of a compassionate human to actually see that beyond the explosion of this bomb there will only be destruction, even for yourself. I have struggled with anxiety and bipolar for many a year. They say that people with bipolar disorder feel more intensely and more deeply. I know this to be a fact. A horrid fact that has affected me and my actions towards those around me. As human beings we have a natural instinct that if we are hurt, we lash out if we foresee someone hurting us, that attack is the first\best form of defence. Harsh lessons are learnt from every hurtful experience. The one I have encountered is that the lashing and hurt bestowed upon me is nothing more than instinct and issues from an uneducated infantile human.

I lost a guy from my life, the good things he brought to my life are not as ‘good’ as the bad things I was left with. My anxiety increased to its maximum. This was due to the insecurities his past behaviour had caused me to feel. Where there is broken trust and lies, there will always be a blanket of doubt no matter how ‘perfect’ they then can be. I had insecurities that were given to me. Therefore I bore anxiety which was only ever attached to this person, and feelings of distrust and hurt. If you have ever been truly hurt by a lover, it never dies, the hurt remains, it just transpires and manifests in different ways. That’s how psychology and human emotions work. As a human our self-worth now seems to be based upon how people treat us, opposed to how we treat them and others. A person who lashes you with names and insults is not a reflection of who you are, but just of how they see you, rightly or wrongly. Your self-worth is based upon how you respond and how you filter this experience. It is all too easy to say ‘ i done this, or acted this way because ‘you did this’ This does not prove that the other person is responsible for their malicious actions, it shows how little they understand of their own thought process and behaviour. No one can make you do anything you ‘didn’t’ want to do. No one can impose you say something nasty, they are your words, your thoughts that you materialise through your mouth through your voice.

I have it granted I am no angel, but I am now more evolved and experienced through understanding these simple actions. For every action, there is a re-action, if you react to a person. If you decide to take an action and throw it out into the world, then surely there will be a reaction. The universe is like that. If you are having a bad day and decided to become annoyed and your vibes are low, then surely you will attract more low vibes. The ‘vibe’ i am referring is as simple as the energy you put out into the world and let control your conscious stream of thought which inturn affects your behaviour. I have practised the positivity, and I have reaped the rewards ten fold. I have indulged in the synchronicity that is at play within the universe around me every day and I have listened and acknowledged. The negativity and insecurities of my anxiety have ceased to exist as the person who brought that into my life has ceased to be in my life and play such a ‘big’ part in my life.

I have taken a break from uni and thought that I would focus more on my writing and my photography, however very few words have stained a page, and even fewer images have materialised from my camera. And this is ok, I have been plunged into the world I hadn’t planned to be in, my year was suppose to be so different, unfortunately, the universe and the world had seen different. I had come to realise a few weeks ago in the mist of a depression that this is my incubation period. And from an incubation period can only come nurture and growth. This is what I have experienced, and I am ever so grateful for. I am grateful for the people who have come into my life and helped me through and during this process. I am grateful for the people who have left and enabled this process. In the human world, we have a ‘Time’ a time frame and a perception of time. However, the divine time of things is where the true magic and the true experiences and rewards lie. We could work really hard at a job and have been doing so for two years, and the promotion we have been wanting is not given to us. The human reaction is to be disappointed or disheartened. Yet maybe in a few weeks time we find ourselves looking for another job and it has the even bigger promotion than the one we were disappointed we didn’t ‘get’. This isn’t a coincident this is divine timing. The experience we have accumulated over the last two years working effortlessly was not for the promotion we sought, but for the promotion, we couldn’t see coming. I highly believe in this, and it has been proved to me on a number of occasions. The old saying that ‘the world works in mysterious ways’ is a saying much says, but have no true concept of, not really.

I will not preach about my view or convince anyone that my way or thinking or my faith or belief is what is right, for some people are not yet mentally and emotionally ready to accept and nurture this belief. And some people are not ready yet to awaken. That is fine, everyone’s belief and faith is distinctive to their own experiences and self-awareness. Everyone’s journey is different and so I will only wish those the best on their journey.

I have embraced a lot about myself and the world and through this I have been able to be inspired in my images which I will commence. This series of images will be the series of images that really does portray ME, my incubation, my awakening and my personality along with my faith. This is a series that will be unlike any others as my other images were inspires through pain, and emotional distress. I have always been scared of happiness, as I am a writer and artist who is inspired by pain, and trauma. So I always wondered upon what I would create, how I would be a artist should this be absent. Thanks to my incubation period i now see a lot of my images were my coping mechanism through a turbulent relationship that caused me a lot of pain. I see that my coping mechanism was both healthy and unhealthy, as for every image I look back upon I see in my mind’s eye the place I was at the time, the ‘things’ or ‘thing’ that someone said or did to make me feel a specific way to create this. I look back now as memories that I have immortalised in these times, they sit in picture frames and some people look in awe, in compassion, in empathy, some are inspired and less isolated, as they can relate. There are so many ‘things’ my images and poetry conjure in people, but I am glad that they do, as those people are people who have encountered a pain, a hurt, a sense of loss, or defeat. And they are the people who I have the most admiration for, the most love for…. as they have survived and learnt how to survive.

The people who know, me who I let into my circle ( as I am so fussy about who I give a piece of my life too) see the images, see how they have a haunting message. Yet everyone who sees them knows me, and people who I don’t really know, who see them, then meet me, cannot believe the contrast. My images, haunt, my words raw, yet I am such a funny, happy person, with intelligence, and wit. I have smiles for everyone and a warmth that I give freely to those I love and trust. I have such an adventurous soul, and I can make even the worse of situations the most positively funny and memorable. I have a light, and for all those who are in dark times, or seek help or advice, I ensure they leave with as much love and light as I can possibly and humanly give. I will encourage and support and inspire everyone I can, that’s just me….. I love being me. I love my talents as an artist, as a writer, as a mum as a human. For if I say ‘I want to do……’ I will whether it be: learn how to ride a motorbike, or lay a patio out the garden, build a porch or retile my floor or walls, I am self-sufficient and capable of everything I see others do. I am a teacher a healer and a seeker….. and I love that most about me. I also love the fact I am all or nothing, I am never grey in anything I do or anyone I love in my life. I also love and embrace my dark side, the side that is my temper my anger…. my relentless determination because if I never had such anger I could never experience such passion or such intense love. If I did not have such a vile temper I would never be able to appreciate my calm nature and my earthly spirit. I have a temper and a fiercely protective streak, but I am the mother so therefore I know what pure love is… and the fierce way in which I will protect anything I love.

We can be hard on ourselves at times if we fail, or perceive ourselves to fail at something or do not achieve an outcome. If someone should treat us a certain way or we act a certain way which hurts someone else, intentionally or unintentionally, we can punish ourselves a lot more than anyone else could. Don’t be too hard on yourself, emotions are the raw strands of being human, and humans are allowed to make mistakes, but when one does, ensure that you realise your behaviour, your reaction, your actual words are all from you, no one else, no one has forced you to do anything you did not want to do.

Control … 

If someone shall banish you from their life then their control over your life is expelled. If I shall write a poem or publish a post of memories past, then as a free person that’s what I shall do. I have no one else’s feelings to consider as I owe no one nothing. They do not care for my feelings so why should they be repaid with anything more than they are willing to give. I could sit quite and mourn, but if they don’t they why should I. Why should I mourn something that was meaningless. I shall write as I’m a writer and I shall create images as I document my life through photos. I shall combine both when I see that there is something worth honouring. I met a man who was kind and never showed any anger or threw any insults. He was a man who could talk, not just shout aggressively. He had patiences even as nothing more than a friend. I realise how valuable this was when I had a man who was the polar opposite of this. This man made me feel worthless, meaningless, and disposable. So why should I not honour the qualities of someone else who I now appreciate more. I do not see this man anymore and neither do I want too. But I can honour his attributes.  For all the things he was, he was always kind. And for that I wish him the best in life and love. For the other man who was not, I wish him still all the best in life and love. 

I need no validation from anyone about who or what I am. I know my flaws and I know my strengths. I am not perfect I am human. But I have the strength now to say goodbye to a past, to both of these men. And to start my life with new exciting people. I could be a lot of things but bitter is one I shan’t be. The man who is aggressive and insulting, can think what he likes, say what he likes, and do as he likes. He is not mine, and I, not his. I can laugh now genuinely with his assumptions and idiotic aggression and foolish ignorance. I can laugh at his deluded thoughts and perception. And I can walk away knowing I did my best like I always do. My paranoid ways would of been there had he not played the games and treated me in such a way. If he had not been such a horrid person I wouldn’t of been either. But I now, am not at war, with myself or him or anyone else. I am glad he thinks his deluded thoughts and he is ignorant as it means he will hate me and blame me for all his choices and actions. His behaviour and his decisions, all the while being so arrogant of the truth. But that’s something he never could give, or take, the truth. That’s his mistake not mine, and I won’t be condemned for what he thinks in his pathetic little mind. He turns a thought in his head into his own reality and  hates anyone who tries to set him right. Have your twisted reality, enjoy it, and your self sabotage, I am not your enemy, I am now your nothing. The way I am happy for it to be. I miss nothing of you, or what you gave and put me through, I miss nothing of the insults and aggression and the ignorance in which you speak. So save it and give it to someone else…. I am not under your spell. 

Silly boy, play with your silly girl toys, and let the adults live their life’s. assume what you like, you’re wrong again as always…. but fight away, You’re on your own. 

The good thing 

The good thing is you have been down this road before and you have survived. You have felt happier at the other side, and this is what will happen again. You can be in a mental, emotional and physically abusive relationship and still be ok when you realise it was them not you. 

You’re insecurities over girls that they made you have was them not you. They made you feel like that and then didn’t like the consequences. 

You can be called names and insulted and degraded but once you realise it was their perception of you and not everyone else’s you realise it was them with the issues not you. 

When they choose to be aggressive break into your house and steal your things even if you have threatened to call the police and still they don’t care. Then it was them that decided to drive down and act that way. Not you. When they are arrested and you drop charges and pay out of your child’s birthday money for them to get to their destination it wasn’t you who stole the bag and broke into their house and took their things. It was you who dropped the charges and helped them even when they didn’t deserve it. That doesn’t make you a bad person it makes you the better person considering they gave your child nothing for her birthday. And they decided that for Christmas what they promised to buy you would never materialise yet what you got them was more than they got you. It always was that way too. 

For every flaw they could throw at you you can throw theirs at them. And say I stood by you. 

When you decide that this has played out one too many times and you realise that you had to lie to them and make out the other guy you dated was not as nice as them or as good or funny as them as otherwise you would be called even more names and be given even more shit even when it wasn’t you who wanted to get back with them. 

I lived after them with less anxiety and self hate, less names being called and less worry and competition with other girls. And living without that again …. is something I am very happy to do again. 
But when they call you nuts and crazy they forget the things they done. I could of ruined your life quiet easily – I didn’t. Because I will always be a better person than you. 

Love of love ….

Many people shall come and go through your life. They shall cross your path, they shall teach you, inspire you, or hurt you. But what will you do to them? For them? In these last four years I have been taught a lot by someone who crossed my path and I let into my life. I have been taught a lot about who I am, who they are, what I can become and who they can become. 

I have recently found a calling in my life. When I thought there could be no possible way for me to have just one earthly purpose. I have psychic friends and a old dear minister whom is a renown psychic and spiritual healer. And how I paths crossed I could tell you but I doubt you would believe me. Or even think I am not crazy. It is peculiar the way if you have a religion, no one thinks you are crazy. But yet no one can see ‘this’ god. Just like believing in love, no one can see it, or the wind. We can only feel it. Faith is something I have always had but in what I have never known completely. I know enough about quatium theory to disprove god. I know enough to understand energy and matter and the universe. So for me to believe in fate and the power of the universe I guess is/was my faith. 

If someone should say that they can feel their god, then why should I not feel my energies of the universe? If someone says they receive messages from their god them why should I not be able to say I receive messages from spiritual guides. I have had a gift from a young age. I didn’t realise this till seven years ago. And I have indulged in it and I have restricted it. I have helped people with it and given messages so accurate that no one other than the spirit and the reciever should know. Through this I have conflicted with myself and my emotions. 

I have bipolar disorder which is a recognised cycling mood disorder. Extreme highs, intensive lows. Outbursts of anger and frustration and what some medical people consider as paranoia. Now, when you are spiritually susceptible to spirits as a messenger you are given messages and feelings and visual representations. In order to provide a accurate message to the person whom is to receive it. If I looked at my bipolar through a more spiritually charged viewpoint I may find a few coincidences and a few flaws. 

For example, I have intense feelings when meeting someone. I feel their energy and I feel their spiritual guides feelings and concerns. This is why a lot of the time I do not like to meet new people or go out. I get bombarded with intense emotions and feelings. In the medical world these are considered triggers. Mood cycles. 

Through being around new people I become exhausted because of the emotional and mental spiritual link I will have with them and their guides etc – this caused my mood to become low. Sometimes very low. When I am free from people and the spiritual connections I feel electrically charged and  happy beyond comparison. This would be seen as a bipolar high the manic episode. 
The paranoid Element that comes with bipolar is also a explainable thing to do with my gift. As I can predict events and I have a gut feeling. I can see choices being made and consequences to come for me and those around me. Therefore I develop anxiety as I do not want to control people, and neither do I want them hurt, or myself. This can cause me to have frustrated outbursts and then I get angry so angry that they we warned or told and they still went ahead and the consequences affect not just them but me and my life and my daughter and my equilibrium. 

I suppose now I can be honest, as I don’t want to hide who or what I am. I don’t care if people think I am bipolar or that I am nuts or that I am crazy. I know what I can do and I have proved this numerous times both to myself and others. The only thing I have a problem with is healing. As once I am hurt emotionally or spiritually I need to be healed. And I have been given the opportunity to do this now. I have spoken to a dear friend and I have attended a few meetings. 

I done something I would never ever of thought myself do. I stood in a crowded room and I had delivered messages from the spiritual realm. These three people in which spirit had wanted to make contact were overwhelmed with the accuracy of my messages and descriptions. I was shaking so badly and I was so exhausted and dizzy afterwards I nearly fainted. But the most rewarding thing I have ever done is just be me. Who I am, and deliever that to complete strangers and to be thanked for being me. 

I needed a lot of healing after that. As I have not yet learnt to release the energies of the emotions I have been passed. The minister whom took me along, was beyond proud and amazed with me. And I haven’t had anyone tell me how proud they were of me in such a long time I cried so mercilessly. I met some extraordinary people and was pulled aside by one whom asked me a few questions. And asked if I would like to be part of a realm reading. I had no idea of what this entailed but I agreed. 

The realm reading was mind blowing in me understanding my past life’s and attributes in this life. I suppose in a way it was something that everyone should undergo to help them understand and differentiate between themselves and their souls. And this has massively helped me to do so.

Through this encounter I have found a lot of peace and love for myself. I have also realised a lot about the people whom I surrounded myself with. My influence on them and upon their lives. Someone exited my life recently and unfortunately I do not see them ever coming back until they have been enlightened to their soul and the earth form as they are such a conflicting person. And are a chaotic human, very unorganised, very last minute and very ignorant and their displacement affects their energy and their mind. Which then conflicts with their soul. They think they don’t belong anywhere because of the way they are neither at peace with their earth self or spiritual self. They work so much as they have no other form of purpose as they don’t ground themselves with their soul and earth presences. I spent so long talking about this person to these people. Thinking I failed in my helping him. And it’s hurt me to think I have. But it was good to know that he will realise when/if he becomes awake that he will see I did not fail him. I did actually do a lot of the opposite. I know he would snigger at this. But that’s ok. The unwake people the people who have not been enlightened or made peace with both their soul and human form yet are oblivious to those around them whom are more pure. 

Until some people allow their human form bleed into their soul and let the soul bleed love into human heart the conflict will always hurt the person and make them feel more lost than they ever will feel happiness. I pray this is not the case for him, but he is one born under the star of stubbornness and ignorance. His journey will be long. And I wish him the best as no one deserves a life of international and spiritual conflict as that leads to a lonely unfulfilled life. 

I have so much to learn on this new journey and I will be leaving in a week to travel to another meeting with some very respectable people. One lady in particular I am excited to meet as she travels the world doing. And all I want to ask is something simple “will it help” I hope it gets met with a yes and a smile. 

So if I told you I knew who you were before I even got to know you and I still choose to love you, then maybe it was my fault for knowing I could only go as far as the other person was willing to go. A man could have everything, every other man on the planet desires, and if he is not a peace with himself his conflict of his soul and human form will have him blind. A enlightened man is one I seek who I can truly be myself with and be truly loved by, for me. For the joy I bring him, the protection I try and enforce around him and the devotion of love and care he will receive in memories he will never want to erase. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they truly are, and be respected for their differences. Because that is how you are human. But being a human with a soul takes courage and to be led by faith not fear and self conflict. 

L