The weight….

There are so many questions in which we yearn for answers, and through the course of life we wait for the answers to reveal themselves. Another year has slide into my past, from love and exhaustion of the weight of the questions i carry, I have come to realise the ‘questions’ we seek can only be answered by ourselves. We have faith in everything will work out for the best, the right decisions will lead us to some sort of peace and happiness. If i could inject a wicked cackle laugh here i would. But i cant, sorry. What if every wrong decision we ever make leads us still on the right path, only the path will teach us more than the right path, and thats the answer itself. That even the wrong path, the wrong decision is the right one, for self growth. I have poured out soul, to empty, on the wagon of love, believing it will lead me from the confusion and agony into the peace and balance i yearned for. Three months ago i told someone who i was involved in not to contact me ever again, I see the sticks of a triangle again being built by him. And i took charge and took away the stick that was me. And when i did this i realised for the wrong path i was on, (with him) i had now chosen the right path, the right decision. It was empowering, especially while i watched, i suppose as fate would from the sidelines waiting for my predicts to become a reality. And they did. At that moment i snapped my stick, not out of bitterness or out of hatred, but out of self love. I snapped it knowing i would never and could never put myself in a situation like that again.

The wrong path will be just as difficult as the right path, just as complicated and just as questioned. But what we learn from the wrong path is more than we will ever learn from the right path. And out destination will end on the same spot regardless of the path. Why? Because like a spiders web that is broken, there will be another silk string in tact that will lead you back to the point you needed to be. But with the added extra of learning something more important than we ever thought, or think possible, at present moments in time.

Some people seem to forget they always have ‘freewill’ under any circumstances, even when other people make decisions. The thing you will always retain is your free will, to which you can embrace or you can surrender in the blind hope that you can convince yourself you had no choice. That, it was the only choice you could make. But no matter how much you bury yourself in your lies, the truth is just under the surface… and always will be. The lies and dishonesty will weigh on the truth and your conscious. To be at peace with ones choices and perils is to receive the answers, even those which we do not want to acknowledge. Love and what it entails, delivers and drowns you in, how it leaves you, affects you and makes you doubt things from your life, to your family and your sanity is the most dangerous thing to invite into your life. Yet, we do, as humans, want to belong, need company, and a loving embrace. This is essentially what can bring up to the peak of happiness or plummet us into a hell that we have a 50/50 chance of surviving, but the burns and scars from this we will always wear as a wise man wears a crown of wisdom. Evolution of the soul can only ever be accomplished if you know that for every person, and situation you have ever been in has taught you something about yourself.

It is a weight, to wait… for the answers …. but never expect to ever have the answers when it comes to love. I rather study space or physics than love, as love has more infinite possibilities than quantum theory in my opinion. Even the wisest of gurus will not be able to advise you on love, the best you can hope to get from them is a speech about loving yourself. You can love another person more than you love yourself, you can love them in the purest of ways, in the deepest most self sacrificing of ways, but if they do not love themselves, how do you expect them to know how to love you? to understand love? relate to it? The truth is everyone has a different idea of love, and they dont always like the reality of it…. I believe in love, and that everybody has the ability to love and be loved. Pride, and ego are the only things that twist the idea of love, into the reality we reject. Unconditional love? nope, i do not believe in that… Love always is given with terms and conditions, what terms and conditions do you love on? what stops you from loving someone, what conditions do you put in place? what restrictions is your love tied with? Understand these questions, for they do not need answers, they need to be thought of and contemplated and then you can claim you have a 1% understanding of the complications of ‘love’.

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To roam…. 

Experience is the foundations to which we build our perceptions. Our perceptions of people, countries and cultures and of ourselves. There is nothing more terrifying than taking the first step to understand yourself and your surroundings. For some people they can never break the restraints of fear. The fear they or others have bound them with. To travel even to another city within your country could be too terrifying. Especially if this is out of your comfort zone. I was late in starting my traveling and roaming the earth. My first step was driving on a motorway up to England. It terrified me, and my anxiety was extreme. But after I got to England, it became a regular journey. My first plane ride with my daughter and fiancé terrified me. But since I have traveled on planes alone, just with my daughter and with my friends and partners. Now it is as normal to me as it is to go to the corner shop. I first drove on the other side of the road in another country this year. It built my confidence. So then on my next adventure I hired a car that had the steering wheel on the opposite side, of what I am use too, and drove on the opposite side of the road than what I am use to. I drove in one of the craziest places with driving and manoeuvring, I have ever encountered, the south coast of almafi. The roads barely let two cars drive through, the roads are winding and built onto the side of the steepest mountains. There’s no sense of safety, the Italians are crazy brave drivers. The moped users are even crazier. I stepped out of my comfort zone again today and used public transport the local bus service. I have used trains and metros and cabs and trams before but never buses. 
So here is the plight, travel, get lost its the most beautiful experience. The other side of fear is accomplishment, confidence and a deeper perspective and understanding of yourself. I have learnt so much more about myself through traveling. I have also been blessed to be able to allow my daughter the experience of traveling to different countries and meeting various people and cultures. Now my daughter has seen me drive a motorcycle abroad, use public transport drive a car and be completely confident in my exploration of different parts of a country. To her this will be normal, even whilst doing these things I was terrified, BUT I never let her see that, because fear is contagious and I would never want to breed fear into my daughter. So now she would be able to confidently navigate through a airport, fly on a plane, and explore her destination as if it was her own country. My daughter I have enabled to have a deeper sense in self, she has learnt languages she never would of otherwise, met beautiful people, and seen how other people live, through this she has seen and experienced more than just a hotel complex catered to bristish tourists. For that I am proud, as she has submerged herself into the experience as much as I have and been rewarded with confidence and insight, and a sense that travel is normal. Something I never had growing up. I took my first holiday on a plane at the age of 24. And in the years that followed my sense of identity and awe of the world has grown bountiful.

We are given so many opportunities in life to grow, like a flower would never deny itself of water or sun, why should we deny ourselves the opportunities to grow and experience our world. The flower does not refuse water incase it may drown, or sun, incase it may get burnt, it just grows and accepts the water when it is given the sun when it is present and it dances in the breeze, full of bloom and life. Be a flower, only be a flower that allows itself to roam, roam the earth you have been given, take the opportunities that come your way, and always try to get on the other side of fear as then, and only then can you truly say “I know who I am, and what I am capable of”

They are alive……

Its a one oclock blog again. I wonder why I do these blogs. I wonder who reads them, if anyone, and what they think. These are seconds that last for a moment and i am cautious of what i say. Then like the ticking of a clock my fingers sing on a keyboard and everything pours. I don’t like to think too much. As its never good. Not for me anyway. Relationships are funny things, you take two humans. These are from different walks of life, different values and experiences and throw them together. I always view the start of a relationship as a ……. Child playing with clay. When she has moulded her visions she then plays with them in her imaginary world of pretend. I think thats what we do, or I at least. I have a pretend world where i have made my clay man. To keep him there i have to play fair. To keep him strong and not for him to crack and crumble i have to understand the way he was made. But i don’t. I don’t understand me. So I am at a loss before i could ever conceive to win. Then in my pretend world everything is great. We can mould each other and smooth over the cracks. But in actuality it doesn’t get smoothed over. I choose my human and decided to love him and play with him in my pretend world. But i knew reality would make him crumble. I am just convincing myself i am now unloveable. Its not really the greatest ego boost that my ex cheated on me for two years and for the last year he still couldn’t be faithful. He would flirt with girls and send such pictures i would find out and feel sick. He handed me complex after complex and insecurities that made me shake.  Then i met another man, he was broken and not whole. I think i attract them you know.

I always saw a relationship of a somewhat unity. A team. If i was going to war the person i was with i would want on my platoon as i know they have my back. Yet i dated a guy a bullet, thats engraved and i wear it around my neck. It has a message inscribed but it was in the language he knew so a lie. I decided that I would wear it not because i love him, but because it was one of the many bullets in his gun that killed me and made me weak. But At least i knew he would never leave me. Then i met this other guy. No insecurities, no girls perfection could of been a good word. But then i spiralled and i fell and i descended to hell. Now my demobs are happy as they have me back. It was quiet lovely really how they welcomed me back. They stay up all night with me, and if ever i need company they are always there. I married demons so i can never marry a man.

I confided in a friend of what made me spiral. And as a friend does they show concern. It was nice to acknowledge the disease i have investigated and learnt thats eating me. Ooooooooh no this time its not my mind. This time its not my bipolar. I think if it wasn’t for my bipolar i maybe worse. I have the disease that consumes so many and that the word alone instills fear. It actually made me freeze. My blood ran so cold a splinter of ice must of pierced my heart, as i gasped for air. Cancer i dare. The womanly parts of me are being eaten alive. Im twenty nine and i have a unbalanced mind and a disease eating me alive. The insecurities rise and i feel bile thrown at the back of my throat. I could cry but i haven’t yet. Not over the thing that i just learnt. I think i’m numb or still coming to terms with this vile thing harbouring inside my womb. Like a spawn of satan i’m nurturing it and letting it feed on me. I am a beautiful host.  I actually can feel my breath unsteady as i filter through this truth. I admitted this two two people. Two which i trust and love and know would do anything to see me smile. But still i sit here in my ex boyfriends zip through hoodie, it faintly smells of him. Wearing dungarees bought for me as a sorry from the cheating ex, and the things i am wearing which look the best are fresh scars. Another chapter of my fucked up life. There was a time where my life was quiet happy and calm. Oh dear lord i wish for that again so bad. The marrow of my bone ache for it. They also ache for a warm embrace. But i know to be hugged would leave this little fighter with a tear stained face.

When it was revealed what i now have to face the cancer of a woman’s delicate place I was shocked nad scared then last night at 5 am i sat out my back garden. The stars weren’t too bright, but the warmth of the night kept me company. The sounds of cars passing on the road behind me made me smile. I wonder how their life differes from mine. I thought about writing, but couldn’t bare to hold my favourite pen. Then a thought crossed my mind, what if this is a pleasure of my life. I have contemplated suicide and attempted it a few more. What if now, ‘This’ disease is here to save and finish me. In a dignified way of course. As suicide is always a frowned upon course. Maybe i have created the work i was suppose too…. release the poems and art i should. Maybe i have changed a few lives, as i know a few have changed mine. I have done alot of good i know in my life, and been a good person to those i know and those i don’t, and those who haven’t deserved my time, but at least if I am lowered into the earth they will know they got more than they deserved and i can sleep peaceful. I tear slide down my face and the smile spread across my face. I own my thoughts and thats what i love about me, I’m not afraid to challenge those of a narrow or closed mind, not to win a argument but to enlighten their life’s. I have handed my notice into three magazines i write for and two support groups i run, one for young kids with self harm issues and one for support and counselling for parents of children who self harm and who have a mental disorder. My own mother do not even know of these jobs, or where i give my time willingly. My own mother knows nothing of my illness as i don’t see the point, she never made me feel ok or accepted for having a mental disorder. So why would she want to support me now, when she can just ignore and spend time with the ‘normal’ child she has. I am not bitter a part of me was. But i know i have done nothing wrong not to deserve what she has or has not done as the case stands. I am due now to turn down the book offer to have a book published, which i started to write. AS i don’t want to be stressed out right now. Writing books are hard. I have my university papers sat on my desk ready to submit to finish my last year. Even though when i printed them off i knew….. spending some time alone has made me think what do i want to be doing for a year? travelling,……… or photographing a series or two that will will remain should anything happen to me. As it’s not as simple as scrape and remove and then a few appointments to ensure things have been cut away. So maybe i will read, read every book i wanted to read. I will travel, travel to the places i want too. Maybe i will visit a few close friends who have been there from the start of my photography journey before i even knew it was a path i would go on to choose.

 

I will visit one man before the year is out. This time four and a half years ago, a man gave me the greatest tip in the world. (shadows) This man has a piece of my heart today. And i want to hold him in a embrace and thank him. For when i have doubted my work, my direction, the purpose of it all….. My darling Luca is there with his Italian charm. He has lasted longer than relationships and gave me more joy than most of them.  And even though i hate Germany, I will find him there.

 

Tomorrow i go and drive for a hour to a tattoo studio to be tattooed. The artist is amazing and I am dying to having this piece on me as for six years i have been in love with the concept of the piece. And i finally put it together and now i get to have a beautiful memoir of it. Then i will have my favourite poem inscribed on my thigh…. a quote or two more and when i lay on the slab or a cold mortuary cradle… I hope they read my tattoos and admire my artwork…. I will be a beautiful corpse in death as i was in life.

Now to try and sleep as seven hours of sleep in five days is something thats killing me. Stopping on lot of medication to be able to undergo treatment is a wonderful way to test my instability. But hey, it makes good pictures…. so at least my instability and insanity will never leave me….. never thought i would say i was actually grateful for that.

 

 

To be human, in these times of crisis both environmental and governmental we forget what we are. Human. I wonder how many people carry with them guilt, the guilt of not being able to do all the things expected of them, with families, partners, work commitments, friends and social commitments, and that of  school or educational commitments, then the laundary or housework alongside the expectations to still be perfectly groomed and appealing. Or if not perfectly groomed at least fit. This is about the worst type of world to be in, whereby guilt becomes our shadow.

The ability to do something we find pleasure in, and find time for, for ourselves, is seen as not important. But this is essentially what makes us human, the ability to enjoy the world and indulge in our desires our passions, our hobbies. If you ask ten people what their hobbies are, at least six or seven of them will have to think on this question. WHy? because they havent got time have a hobby a passion or pleasure. The rest will probably name a hobby, but when the next question comes along,” how often do you get to practice your hobby or indulge in it’ They will probably have to think of the last time they did. Which saddens me so much. Everyone deserves to be human, to do something that is not a means to a end but a source of pleasure and satisfaction.

When was the last time you sat at a coffee shop and people watched, watch the world pass you by and just relax. Not be bound to a appointment so you kill tie at a coffee shop, or wait for a friend, to socialise with. But just sit and indulge in time and peace.

Or when was the last time you sat on the beach, not to occupy the children as a day trip out to meet the requirements of a ‘day out’ but just sat there, watched the tied rolling in and out, notice how no two waves ever caress the sea the same as they meet the shore. See the clouds prancing across the sky, and their changing shape. Into animals or faces or flowers? When was the last time you watched a sunset or a sunrise properly sat there to watch one, the colours of pink and purple merging melting into a liquid gold or amber stream? When did you last sit in the woods, watch the shadows and lights change on the floor or hear the bird singing.

Whether it be reading, ( my favourite) or sunsets (another favourite) riding your horse (another guilty pleasure of mine) no matter what it is that brings you such immense tranquility and pleasure and peace. When was the last time you done it? and didnt feel guilty for doing it? essentially when was the last time you connected with your soul and fed it peace and pleasure.. and enjoyed being human. They say mental health disorders are primarily due to environment, I agree, If i havent done something i enjoy for a week i find my mood dip dramatically.

Schools teach children so much, but they do not teach them the things they require as humans not as governmental commodities. Did you know that your birth certificate registers you as the governments commodity? schools dont teach you your human rights, why? because its normally government run schools. They do not teach you about the government or the voting systems or politics, why? because knowledge is power and knowledge is what makes people question. Children are not taught of their common law rights, either. Why? because alot of legal laws will be flawed by the common law and the government wants to repress and control. The schools dont teach you how to be human, or enjoy being human or what it consists of, it literally just conditions you to become a drone and something that makes it money.

A sad truth, So please everyone indulge in what makes you human, enrich your life’s, your mental and emotional and spiritual state as right now alot the only thing that really defines us as not robotic workhorses is a name.