To respectfully leave ….

We all have those people in our life that nourish us as humans, like enriched soil for a rose. The foundations that we lay with someone, even a friend or colleague becomes the infrastructure to our relationship with them. These words can seem somewhat far fetched, but to simplify ‘First impressions are everything, and they count.’ It has been a long time since i had to make a first impression upon someone whom I deemed important enough to ensure i was enough myself and yet respectful of their culture. I recently went to my a friends house, who would only be more than a friend should his parents approve. Culture and tradition is a big part of our identity, of us knowing who we are, where we are from and where we belong. There are many arguments that can arise from this subject of ‘culture’ what may seem backwards thinking by one person is completely wholesome and real by another, that they abide it and support it.

I am not from a culture as such even though i am British. British culture is not what it use to be, like many other cultures and traditions. This is in part due to migration and technology. A first born generation immigrant could be born in Britain yet because of the cultural strength of their parents and traditions, they identify more with being ‘Indian’ etc even though they are born British and live in modern day Britain. Identity is something that we can never escape from, or should we as we need a sense of identity, be it heritage or language, that allows us to feel like we belong somewhere. And to of course, see the journey in which we have come as a person, from humble roots and life to a privileged lifestyle. Culture is important, even those who have a lack of it, as they can see and appreciate other cultures and their values. I believe culture and religion are very different things therefore will not include any religious opinions.

So i visited a country recently, Albania. I like to travel a lot and have been in different countries, six this year. Their cultures and traditions are beautiful. Their food and language I have enjoyed learning. It was going to Albania that seemed to draw a lot of peoples attention more so than my visit to Greece or Italy. Why? Because of the backstory of Albania, it was a communist country for many years and people suffered such hardships. The country was corrupt and of course unstable, both economically and politically. But they have one of the most beautiful countries i have been too, the people are so welcoming and their values and traditions are beautiful and well maintained. A mans word in Albania,is his life and oath, If he says something it is done. I like this, no, I love this. A man is strong presences in Albania, within his family and the community. And Albania loves coffee, and has some of the most tasty food i have ever tasted. And the guy i went there to see is a ‘stereotypical old fashioned British Gentleman type’. He embodies so many qualities that are rare in men today. So for me, a white British girl to find a genuinely beautiful guy, it would just be my luck he is Albanian and we are a cliche. But this is something i do not care for so much, for many years after finding myself, i stopped giving a shit about what people ‘think’ or what they judge me for. I cannot live my life to the fullest or the purest being true to myself if i live for other peoples opinions. Judgement and expectations are everywhere. Even friends have expectations of a their friendship with you, along with family, parents and lovers. Expectations are everywhere, but the only expectations that truly matter are the ones you have for yourself, and if you meet them. My expectations are to always do the kindest thing for myself and another person. I expect to live my life guilt free through always trying to do the right thing, by myself and others. This is why, when it came to meeting someone else’s parents, and having to accept these expectations are very real and need to be met did i become more nervous than i have been in many years.

I was slung into a situation where the whole family was there, the parents of which speak no english and i speak no Albanian. The father was a genuinely traditional Albanian man, extremely well respected by all his family. The mother, the typically caring motherly type, who was cooking as i arrived. I have piercings in my face and tattoos all up my arms on my feet, hands and legs. This was going to take a Goddam miracle. I wouldn’t say i am a lucky girl, but i am a girl who knows herself. Therefore i am confident that i am a good, honest person, and my intentions towards the family and their son, grew out of nothing more than love. I am sometimes such a honest person, and i ask questions and i love to learn and i never take any moment for granted at all. So i embraced the opportunity to speak with them (translated by one of their children) I found out that the father had the same sense of humour as the boy i had fallen in love with. This was comforting, as to laugh with someone washes away tension, and reinforces that you are just two humans. I liked that they were a traditional family, but one that had humour and love. In Britain we are not really family oriented, so it was beautiful to see such a close family, and it was so humbling to actually feel the love in the room. The way they spoke with one another, the way their body language interacted. There are certain things in life you need to see or feel to believe; like ghost i suppose, or the rush of pure love when you have a child. This was one of them to me. To see a family so respectful and humble vibrating with love. At that moment in time i realised how lucky the guy i was there with, was to have a family like this. I also realised how the family structure we grow up with really does impact who we are as people. It is within the family unit in which we build our first ever relationships, and experience the dynamics of love, trust and support. If we do not have a good experience of these, then our perception of relationships is flawed until we can grow enough to realise we can change that perception.

The approval from his family, which initially did not mean alot to me, meant the world to me. Not because i wanted to be accepted, by this wonderful lot of humans, but because i did not want to imbalance the relationship dynamics with any of them. If the father had not approved, then if i was to see this guy i was starting a relationship with, it would have to be in secret. This would of caused a string of negative emotions, him with his father for carrying on seeing me, so that would of caused dishonesty, and guilt. With me it would of strained mine and his relationship, as i would always know i was not worthy. It would of been a romeo and Juliet situation, and we all know how that ended.
So for the first time ever i really wanted their acceptance and not under the pretence of me wanting to flatter or manipulate them into liking me. These were such honesty and loving people that i could not of lived with my conscious if i tried to deceive them. So i was just myself and prayed they seen the purity in me as i saw in them. Because i knew if they did not approve, i would not let the guy lie to his father and carry on seeing me. I would not allow him to imbalance his relationship with his father because of me. And because i actually began to love this boy, i knew i would be heartbroken to let him go. But i know it would be the ‘right’ thing to do, for him and his family. I like to think i have that pureness in me, where sometimes you love someone enough to let them go. I think that is the purest form of unselfish love.

I talk so much in my blogs for love, the bad, the good, the betrayals and the lessons. I like to think make one person think, or feel better, or less alone in the pondering and the trials of relationships and love, alongside finding yourself. I found in that house pure love, and i wanted to keep it that way, i found honesty and respect, and i wanted to give that back as well as to maintain it.

The good news is i was welcomed and accepted. And I get to spend a month in Albania in January. And as excited as i am to see my boyfriend, i am equally as excited to see his beautiful sister, and kind brother, and his quirky cousin and his mom and dad, whom i respect more than i respect my own. I guess thats a British thing. Or i guess it could be the thing of ‘respect those who respect you, love those whom love you, and do for others what they would for you’.

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The weight….

There are so many questions in which we yearn for answers, and through the course of life we wait for the answers to reveal themselves. Another year has slide into my past, from love and exhaustion of the weight of the questions i carry, I have come to realise the ‘questions’ we seek can only be answered by ourselves. We have faith in everything will work out for the best, the right decisions will lead us to some sort of peace and happiness. If i could inject a wicked cackle laugh here i would. But i cant, sorry. What if every wrong decision we ever make leads us still on the right path, only the path will teach us more than the right path, and thats the answer itself. That even the wrong path, the wrong decision is the right one, for self growth. I have poured out soul, to empty, on the wagon of love, believing it will lead me from the confusion and agony into the peace and balance i yearned for. Three months ago i told someone who i was involved in not to contact me ever again, I see the sticks of a triangle again being built by him. And i took charge and took away the stick that was me. And when i did this i realised for the wrong path i was on, (with him) i had now chosen the right path, the right decision. It was empowering, especially while i watched, i suppose as fate would from the sidelines waiting for my predicts to become a reality. And they did. At that moment i snapped my stick, not out of bitterness or out of hatred, but out of self love. I snapped it knowing i would never and could never put myself in a situation like that again.

The wrong path will be just as difficult as the right path, just as complicated and just as questioned. But what we learn from the wrong path is more than we will ever learn from the right path. And out destination will end on the same spot regardless of the path. Why? Because like a spiders web that is broken, there will be another silk string in tact that will lead you back to the point you needed to be. But with the added extra of learning something more important than we ever thought, or think possible, at present moments in time.

Some people seem to forget they always have ‘freewill’ under any circumstances, even when other people make decisions. The thing you will always retain is your free will, to which you can embrace or you can surrender in the blind hope that you can convince yourself you had no choice. That, it was the only choice you could make. But no matter how much you bury yourself in your lies, the truth is just under the surface… and always will be. The lies and dishonesty will weigh on the truth and your conscious. To be at peace with ones choices and perils is to receive the answers, even those which we do not want to acknowledge. Love and what it entails, delivers and drowns you in, how it leaves you, affects you and makes you doubt things from your life, to your family and your sanity is the most dangerous thing to invite into your life. Yet, we do, as humans, want to belong, need company, and a loving embrace. This is essentially what can bring up to the peak of happiness or plummet us into a hell that we have a 50/50 chance of surviving, but the burns and scars from this we will always wear as a wise man wears a crown of wisdom. Evolution of the soul can only ever be accomplished if you know that for every person, and situation you have ever been in has taught you something about yourself.

It is a weight, to wait… for the answers …. but never expect to ever have the answers when it comes to love. I rather study space or physics than love, as love has more infinite possibilities than quantum theory in my opinion. Even the wisest of gurus will not be able to advise you on love, the best you can hope to get from them is a speech about loving yourself. You can love another person more than you love yourself, you can love them in the purest of ways, in the deepest most self sacrificing of ways, but if they do not love themselves, how do you expect them to know how to love you? to understand love? relate to it? The truth is everyone has a different idea of love, and they dont always like the reality of it…. I believe in love, and that everybody has the ability to love and be loved. Pride, and ego are the only things that twist the idea of love, into the reality we reject. Unconditional love? nope, i do not believe in that… Love always is given with terms and conditions, what terms and conditions do you love on? what stops you from loving someone, what conditions do you put in place? what restrictions is your love tied with? Understand these questions, for they do not need answers, they need to be thought of and contemplated and then you can claim you have a 1% understanding of the complications of ‘love’.

To roam…. 

Experience is the foundations to which we build our perceptions. Our perceptions of people, countries and cultures and of ourselves. There is nothing more terrifying than taking the first step to understand yourself and your surroundings. For some people they can never break the restraints of fear. The fear they or others have bound them with. To travel even to another city within your country could be too terrifying. Especially if this is out of your comfort zone. I was late in starting my traveling and roaming the earth. My first step was driving on a motorway up to England. It terrified me, and my anxiety was extreme. But after I got to England, it became a regular journey. My first plane ride with my daughter and fiancé terrified me. But since I have traveled on planes alone, just with my daughter and with my friends and partners. Now it is as normal to me as it is to go to the corner shop. I first drove on the other side of the road in another country this year. It built my confidence. So then on my next adventure I hired a car that had the steering wheel on the opposite side, of what I am use too, and drove on the opposite side of the road than what I am use to. I drove in one of the craziest places with driving and manoeuvring, I have ever encountered, the south coast of almafi. The roads barely let two cars drive through, the roads are winding and built onto the side of the steepest mountains. There’s no sense of safety, the Italians are crazy brave drivers. The moped users are even crazier. I stepped out of my comfort zone again today and used public transport the local bus service. I have used trains and metros and cabs and trams before but never buses. 
So here is the plight, travel, get lost its the most beautiful experience. The other side of fear is accomplishment, confidence and a deeper perspective and understanding of yourself. I have learnt so much more about myself through traveling. I have also been blessed to be able to allow my daughter the experience of traveling to different countries and meeting various people and cultures. Now my daughter has seen me drive a motorcycle abroad, use public transport drive a car and be completely confident in my exploration of different parts of a country. To her this will be normal, even whilst doing these things I was terrified, BUT I never let her see that, because fear is contagious and I would never want to breed fear into my daughter. So now she would be able to confidently navigate through a airport, fly on a plane, and explore her destination as if it was her own country. My daughter I have enabled to have a deeper sense in self, she has learnt languages she never would of otherwise, met beautiful people, and seen how other people live, through this she has seen and experienced more than just a hotel complex catered to bristish tourists. For that I am proud, as she has submerged herself into the experience as much as I have and been rewarded with confidence and insight, and a sense that travel is normal. Something I never had growing up. I took my first holiday on a plane at the age of 24. And in the years that followed my sense of identity and awe of the world has grown bountiful.

We are given so many opportunities in life to grow, like a flower would never deny itself of water or sun, why should we deny ourselves the opportunities to grow and experience our world. The flower does not refuse water incase it may drown, or sun, incase it may get burnt, it just grows and accepts the water when it is given the sun when it is present and it dances in the breeze, full of bloom and life. Be a flower, only be a flower that allows itself to roam, roam the earth you have been given, take the opportunities that come your way, and always try to get on the other side of fear as then, and only then can you truly say “I know who I am, and what I am capable of”

Don’t feed what you don’t want to gain strength ..

I lived as I wanted to live, by the notion that love conquers all. I loved, I lost, I grew, I collapsed. I became everything and nothing all at once. “She was magic” they will say one day about me. That’s what the men say who gravitate towards me, for neither do I flirt or encourage or beckon to me. They just know something about me is different, like a storm, a mystery. I was once called a ‘epiphany wrapped in a enigma’. It is only now I understand the meaning behind that sentence. Some people are on this earth to awaken things within you, to lead you to something, save you from something or to simply teach you something. 

For men have taught me my greatest lessons in this life, how they can lie carelessly, decieve easily, and manipulate skillfully. I admire their cold blooded nature, it is through these harsh lessons I can now judge and manover through their plights, and ploys and dismember their tactics. It is through men I have discovered my strength and my power. I have loved few men, trusted even less, and found comfort and safety in none. My strength and power comes from knowing I provide more for myself than any man ever has. Therefore I do not need a man, I need a warrior to understand he has a goddess, not a toy. 

I layed under the sun in the Greek islands not long ago and conversed with a soul thrown into my path. His manners were beautiful his soul so pure, his olive skin and deep brown eyes glowed. I think I fell in love with him, in the way you fall in love with a beautiful piece of art. You look at the piece of art, maybe a painting, and you see only what you can comprehend through your own experience. It’s like a mirror it reflects back to you what you know is there but forget to acknowledge. In falling in love with him I fell in love with myself.  I fell in love with my laugher again, like he fell in love with the way I laughed. I fell in love with my eyes, because he fell in love with the way they spoke, he learnt a language not many learn and I allowed him to learn. From all the men, I felt safe with him, as his soul stood taller than him, and spoke louder than him. I learnt lessons too, and he allowed me too. It was pure ….. nothing was laced or poisoned. 

It wasn’t a holiday fling, as nothing happened between me and him, but it was a chance for souls to sing. We found something and it will always be a precious precious precious memory. He, he was like no man I had ever met before, and he confessed I was the most ‘magic and entrancing’ girl he had ever came across. Can you fall in love with someone in three days ? No. You can fall in love with them in a second. And that’s the beauty of love, it’s like art, you can make it beautiful, you can make it raw and complicated, elusive, or you can make it your masterpiece.  Everything is art, from the way one moves, or dresses, to the way one speaks or listens, art is love. Art is a expression of love. 

My greatest pieces of work, poems or pictures come from love. Love is so transcendent ….. the forms it takes the layers it creates, it is like the ever expanding universe, rarely glimpsed at, vastly misunderstood and forever changing and evolving in its dimensions. 

I have transformed through being loved and loving someone, many times. I have found myself in love and lost myself to love.  I have been in heaven and hell because of love. Love takes you places you never thought possible. Love is it’s own antidote. I don’t ever want a love that can be compromised …… I have finished with the mortal perspective of love. I want the spiritual connecting love. And my life until it crosses my path again will continue on. Sometimes you have to starve something in order to see its strength and determination to forgo one life source for another. I had this done to me, I starved, I was starved. But I didn’t die. 

Men have taught me my greatest lessons, that is ‘don’t feed what you don’t want to gain strength’. It’s a lesson I wear in the way my eyes speak and my body moves. The questions I ask and the reserved smile I have. I have been through some storms, but I would not be as beautiful if I had not endured them. A journey is to learn…. and for I have learnt … but a transformation can only be successful if you realise everything that ties you to your past needs to be removed. Everything. If something is to be fresh and clean and pure, it needs to not have any residue from before ….. as you are not starting a fresh, you are building on the residue of before which crumbled for you before ….

Sacrifice is always required for new .. and acknowledgment and confronting the past is always a need to understand how to let go 

Something more … 

What occurs when you leave pieces of yourself in someone else … and they leave? 

It is a common thing to want to retrieve the pieces of you, that you once gave in good faith of it being treasured and protected. Cherished by the person whom you gave them too. But sometimes they leave and deny you them pieces, they take them and leave you unwholesome. Somewhat broken, incomplete. You have to accept the apology you never got and the truths that you were denied. It is a terrible fate to be incomplete and full of unanswered questions…. a wound that refuses to heal, despite the best nursing. 
For the thousands of years of the human race we still cannot love. We only choose who we want to love dependant on how they make us feel. In Greece some months ago on a visit I was in a place of limbo. My feet were in Greece, my heart given to a man in Norway, and my mind flitting from paranoia and hurt, to hope and resurrection. The culture of Greece was beautiful the people kind and welcoming.  One person in particular conjured something deep within me. Not for the way they washed me in compliments, as he didn’t, not for the way they desired me, which they never did show. Instead they watched me, from a far, from a safe distance. They watched the way people interacted with me, the way people were drawn to me, because I was just me, no mask, no pretence… just living in the moment. Yet this person was polite whenever they found themselves in mine and my daughters company. They become a friend, they saw me cry one day, as I wrote a blog. They stared concerned but darent not approach … and over coffee aromas and the Greek sun, we talked, we talked of love, of hurt, of life, and of all the different cultures and people.

They changed my perspective of specific things, things I never thought I could compromise upon. And we laughed, he laughed so well, so hard, we smiled, coy smiles. And we felt more than just the Greek sun when we were in each other’s company. My heart maybe wasn’t in Norway, maybe it was just burried. Maybe I burried it, to hide it, protect it.  

He didn’t believe in a soul, and yet I saw his… and it was kind, and patience, it was intrigued and it was respectful. Upon my last day I spent it with him, we spent it skimming pebbles in the sea, having coffee and never telling each other how much we actually were drawn to one another. He said to me he didn’t want to say goodbye to me when I left. I understood, as goodbyes tear me apart too. He left for work at half past six and he came to say goodbye, he kept his distance, but I could not. I threw my arms around him and burried my head in his neck, I absorbed his smell. It was divine, I let the evening sun burn my shoulders as I felt my body pressed against his. His embrace was not firm or tight he didn’t want to embrace me. And I knew it was because if he did embrace me, he would have to let me go. I held back the choking of my tears. And let him go, I  pushed him away and turned away from him. I didn’t see him leave…. but I felt it. 
I lay on the lounger and saw everyone’s eyes upon me. The girl who showed no interest in none of the handsome men who wanted to lavish her with attention and affection… who sort all week for hers. And to all of them I she denied it, including the person whom I now wished would come back and embrace me. Tight. 

Half hour passed by and my mind was torturing me…. my heart began to beat. I could feel it, but I dare not give it any attention. 

He returned to the pool area, a mirage I thought, until I seen the blood on his shirt, his brow tight with anger. The blood droplets marbling his pale blue work shirt. He stared at me as he passed and said nothing, my concern and panic fixated on him behind my sunglasses. In secret, and in love. When he stood alone in the toilets, I approached and stood in the doorway, I asked him of his safety? And he told me of a accident he had with his bike. A panic and concern rose in me, but a lustful desire to taste him overpowered me. I walked towards him my feet bare and his eyes gave in to me…I stood  infront of him and leant in… he grabbed me and thrust me up against the counter top… his hand grabbing at my thigh, raising my summerdress. I throbbed, I throbbed for him to kiss me harder and hurt me with passion and love.

 He did, my back cracked up against the steel tap, and I enjoyed the pain and the lust. His hand on my thigh, his body pressed up against mine, nothing else existed apart from his lips on mine, and his desire, my desire. My spine was electrified, something I had not felt for years…. a kiss can ignite so much in someone. I kissed him and he kissed me back and I tasted my future. 

The way he nursed the second syllable of my name like a dying lover as his heavy accent told me how he hated this kiss, was a goodbye kiss. In that drunken moment in despair and love, I promised to see him again. He left ten minutes late and my heart beat, not burried but firmly in my chest. The travel home was welcomed, but it was frought with tears and longing. 

As a summer love affair dies, and ours never really started…we both thought the feelings would fade, the thoughts of one another would evaporate. And the missing and longing would be replaced. They haven’t …. they won’t. It is the first time in many many months I realise I had left pieces of me in my ex lover in Norway… but I had some pieces of my heart left, and I gave one away in Greece. I had unanswered questions and so many lies left from my ex lover in Norway…. but the guy from the Greek island of kos, answered them for me. I am enough, I am worthy of being faithful too…. 

maybe sometimes we focus on all the pieces that are missing from us, that we forget to see all the beautiful pieces we still have left. And that we have to be more careful who we give them too. 

Fate brought me as a last minute to the island of kos. Fate brought me a friend someone to cross my path and show me something about the world and myself. And the universe brought him back to me so I could taste my future …. 

I dated a psychopath…. 

Some people come into our lives and leave such a profound effect, in a positive or negative way. Unfortunately I dated a psychopath, literally, I have discovered he had all the traits of a clinically diagnosed pyschopath. It started four years ago, and after nine months I found out he had been messaging other girls. I forgave him, and then two months later I found out he had been leading a double life with his ex. Mine during weekdays and she would go down his on the weekends that I was working. Our relationship spiralled and a triangle of damaged ensued. I do not blame his ex even though she could of been more respectable in the situation and spoken with me. Instead a year long head fuck ensued. He would lie to her, lie to me. Tell me she was a psychopath and was trying to ruin our relationship. He also said the same to her about me. Every time I would end it within days he would set up a fake profile and contact me via social media. Every time I blocked his number he would use a pay phone, every new number I got, he would get hold of it. In a year I went through 17 different numbers. And broke up with him countless times over his pathological lying. But he could charm the knickers off a nun. He has always been a sleazy fucker. I found so many explicit messages on his phone to random girls. Each time he would give me a sob story make out it was my fault as I was not giving him the attention or affection he craved, I felt bad. So I would try to do more, I always seemed to have to keep his attention and compete with other girls. I didn’t trust him and I would be paranoid. He showed such little remorse and empathy for the mental frame of mind he had put me in. 

This wasn’t the problem so much as I saw such a sweet and thoughtful side to him. He was egotistical and would say ‘I can make any girl fall in love with me’ I thought this was a disgusting way to behave, and I told him so. After two and a half years I decided to break away as he would not stop messaging, flirting and hooking up with other girls. He had no self control and no self respect. And I lost all respect for him. How could I be proud of the man I was with when he didn’t respect me or other women or himself. I started seeing someone else after three months. And he was so annoyed and depressed about this. As a naturally caring person I told him that he had caused this and had no one to blame but himself. But like any pyschopath he never accepts the true stem of the blame. 

He seemed so genuinely heartbroken and so genuinely gutted. And I felt bad. I knew he had such a good sweet side, now I see how fake that was and how powerful he was at manipulating. He manipulated everyone from people who he met to people he wanted something from, attention or to do a tattoo on. He would flirt with them lead them on and then when he got what he wanted he would blank them. The thing with a psychopath is they have a almost natural ability to intrigue you and hold your attention, make you feel special. He would, he could do that so easily. And I took the way he could be so sweet and so lovely as the pure side of him. He needed me, he didn’t love me. Someone who loves you does not treat you in such ways. I would never be able to accept his truth. Because it’s was not the truth, it was a version he would want me to believe or maybe he actually believed. I caught him out with so many girls. He would tell me nothing had happened and I have found out how he had slept with so many girls. Though ironically when I started a relationship with someone else he actually mad me feel so bad when I ended it with that person and got back with him. He would say how horrid I had made him feel, how much damage I had done, yet all the while massively underestimating the damage he had done. But here’s the funny thing, you can not argue and ever be right with a psychopath as they live in a different reality to you. They don’t empathise, they don’t see anything from anyone else’s opinion or experience only their own. 

He had a bad childhood, so I would put his anger down to insecurities from childhood. They weren’t insecurities they were just his unresolved issues and his true nature. He had no patiences for anyone who would disagree with him. He had no time for anyone who would not benefit him in anyway. But he liked me, as I was very empathic I was very challenging and intelligent and would catch him out. To him I was a challenge it was as game, and he always thought he was above everyone else, he would call any other guy a ‘mug’ or a ‘groupie’ and say how pathetic they were …. this was because they challenged everything about him, they were good people. And should I dare to see that, I would see even more of his flaws. He had no friends, and didn’t bother with his family. 

He had no male friends as they would of seen straight through him. Female friends he could not have either as he did not know how to be friends with a female without using them to his sick advantage for attention and sexual gratification. And they were so easily manipulated they didn’t pose much of a challenge, like a lion playing with a mouse. 

When I confronted him ever about any of his sexual encounters I would be met with nastiness and lies and blame on me. If we argued within hours he would be messaging another girl with dick pics and flirting. When he got fed up with that girl he would always come back… and I was the idiot that took him back, believing this time he had learnt his lesson. He never did and never will. Because he travels for work he has freedom and no self control. Not a good mix for anyone. Every time I thought he was being faithful or being real, he was just biding time, he didn’t change as a person no matter how good I was or patience or understanding. He just changed tatic the game was still being played. Some people would think ‘oh he’s a fuckboy’. No he is a pyschopath. 
I could only get the truth by actually messaging other girls and asking them. And unfortunately although they had no loyalties to me I got more of the truth than I ever did off him. Which is fine. It shows what type of person he is. Unfortunately sometimes he would tell the girls I was a ex or I was a stalker obsessed with him. 🤣  and sometimes they would believe him, like I said he has charm and is a skilled manipulator. Then I would have the girls eventually when he disposed of them as they served him no purpose no more, message me and say that they actually lied to me, because he asked them too and because he said these things about me. He would call me a psycho for messaging these girls, and be smug when they lied for him. WHO DOES THAT. Then he would make me feel bad for not believing or trusting him. Yet when I found out then that they had lied and he had lied and confronted him with the truth and evidence he would rage. 

Now, I am not a stupid person, despite this actually sounding as if I am. But when you love and care for someone you do not want to see their evilness. Not when they are so skilled at showing you such a beautiful person too. I fell in love with a pyschopath. And he damaged me more than anyone else I have ever and could ever meet. It’s easy for a pyschopath to move onto to new victims and you’ll find they never have a friendship or relationship with anyone including family  that has been sustained over a long period of time. Why? Because they cannot sustain a pure relationship of any kind. They only see people for gain, like a hunger that they need satisfying. When the hunger has been satisfied they know the hunger will strike again so they always have someone else lined up. Life and love to them is a series of gains, and they do not take kindly to being challenged or defeated.  They will work extremely hard in their profession or passion to be the BEST they can be, because they can’t stand to not be admired or looked highly upon. They are powerful people and they need to feel it, otherwise they actually become more self destructing. They will do anything to be seen as the best and will always get what they want, by any means necessary. 

There was a time when we would break up and I would pine for him as he was somewhat my best friend. After finding out so much now, there is no longing. There is nothing. It’s taken 4 years to break free …and see him for what he truly is. And for me to finally say, wow I am not the problem here, he is. Nothing was ever enough for him. No one will ever be enough for him. He will constantly want more, he will never be a committed person to anyone, as he can’t even commit to himself. 

The scars of our past and how we treat people will stay with us for a lifetime and karma will give you back more than you put out. His meaningless sex with random girls, his random sexual gratification, it is all a empty gain. At the end of it he will be such a damaged person his soul will emit this and his vibe will drive away anything good from his life. He will end up diseased, and lonely, even if he is in a relationship with someone he will still be lonely and unhappy. He will keep messaging other girls and self destructing. He is his own worst enemy as he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour or actions. But that is ok longer my problem. And I no longer want to save or help him, which is something that kept me with him far too long. 

His new girl knows nothing of him, and his ability to act so cold and so mean to her has yet been proved…. I feel sad for her … for while she is being loyal she has no idea of his patterned behaviour. See the thing is if it happens more than twice there is a pattern …. and a pattern is not easily broken as it is engrained in your mind frame. And if he justifys his actions and behaviour to himself then he is right. And he never shows remorse….. why? Because he has justified it already to himself. 

I am healing myself an not sleeping around, I do not want or need attention to feel attractive or validated. I do not need to rely on the opposite sex to like me or boost my ego. I respect myself more than that. I respect myself enough to work out the issues I have now with trust and men. I will heal myself and my mind frame. I will enjoy myself by being myself and being the pure and caring person I am. I need not impress no one else, but myself. Because I am essentially my own best friend. I am working on my self esteem and confidence as a pyschopath definitely strips that away from you. I am happy to live my life alone, until I meet someone who is essentially as spirituality intuned with themselves as I will be. 

And my pyschopath ex? He will go from girl to girl, country to country, seeking and searching for something that will satisfy him. Unfortunately he will have failed relationships upon failed relationships and they will all be because of his pyschopathic personality and inability to identify an feel anything pure. He will essentially create a hell for himself inside himself that he will never be able to flee from… no girl or place or country will be able to take that feeling of desperate lonlieness away. One day I hope to hear he has sought professional help. Because all he will leave behind is a lot of damaged people, because of how damaged he is and damaging he can be. 

I know now I have a very bright and healthy future. As I can fix myself as I know what is wrong, what damage has been done as I am brave enough to acknowledge my flaws, the ones I have naturally and the ones that have been inflicted on me. And I choose not to inflict my issues or insecurities on anyone else at this stage in my life. As no one else deserves it. And when I do decided to date at least I will have a more promising future of a relationship than he will have. I will have resolved issues and be able to be myself, not a manipulated  version of myself to suit someone else’s gain. I won’t have crippling anxiety either …. 

People come and go in our life… and sometimes letting go of someone is less damaging than holding on. Some people do not change, will not change, and don’t know how to change. In order to break a cycle you have to first see it, and then want to break it. Emotional and mental abuse is more damaging than physical abuse as it’s leaves no visible scars, just insecurities and trauma. I have never had to have therapy after a relationship, but with a pyschopath, you need therapy. 

I always thought me and him had something special. The revelations that I have found out have finally helped me to realise how damaged and disgusting he is as a person. I am repulsed that I had ever loved him, and stayed so long. But I did because I didn’t want to believe I fell in love with a actual monster. And real monsters don’t hide in shadows or under your bed, they are in human form and they destroy your head. I was not a angel, but I was faithful and true, I  was paranoid because of what he had caused, and I was never the best person I could of been when I was with him as he encouraged a needy and panicked side of me that obsured the person I truly am. I lost myself loving someone else. I lost my faith, trust, confidence and my light, I lost everything good about me, because I tried to offer it to him and he destroyed it. But it is so natural for me to me a loving, and caring person, who is not malicious or devious. So I know I will embrace that fully and build on it completely. As that is the real me, the one who cares too much and never gives up. 

If I had to give him one last sentence … it would be ‘I hope they have mercy on your soul’ – I do not believe in god, but whoever handles the souls, they need to have mercy on his. As I am not the first person who has loved him and he has destroyed and I doubt I will be the last. 

It’s ok…

Travel they say, experience new food and culture, meet new people and see new things. I did. I done it all, and it changes you. I travelled to Kos, with my daughter and I explored the whole island within 3 days. The person who got on the plane to visit Kos, was not the person who got back on the plane and returned to the UK. Whilst I was there i decided to risk everything, I drove on the other side of the road, It was something I didn’t think i could do, but i threw myself into it, like i do most things i want to achieve. Sink or Swim. I laughed, and felt freedom, and a weight lift.

I was in contact with someone fro my past who always had\did make me feel so self conscious, so low. And yet, the people i met there changed my whole perspective of life, love and people. Just because someone shows you no respect, it does not mean that you should not respect yourself. Reality is a perspective of a person, therefore one persons reality is not likened to another or deem able as being ‘right’. I also realised that if someone wants to think bad of you, then thats all they will think, no matter what you do, if that is what they think of you, nothing will change their mind. If people want to find fault in something or someone they will. But you can never gain anything positive from looking at something negative. You can never experience anything positive if you think negatively towards it. And if you never act positive towards something you will always receive a negative reaction. What someone ‘thinks’ you deserves is not what you should think you deserve. Everyone deserves respect and understanding. Anyone can be angry and impatient, it takes a real soulful human being to be kind and understanding. This may seem like a given, but it is not. Just because you can be nice to a stranger or to someone you know or care for it does not make you a good person. If you had a enemy infront of you or someone who had caused you hurt or pain, to be kind to them and understanding despite their misgivings makes you a genuinely good person. If you can tell the truth despite the consequences to yourself you are a good person doing the right thing for someone else. I had not had this in my last relationship. Lying and misguided truths was always a part of his life. Impatiences and lack of compassion or understanding was absent from his blood. Respect and fairness he would preach about but sparsley would show any to those who would show it to him. Ignorance was his morale high ground, and feelings were somewhat of a myth.

I could preach and i could enlighten any soul, but i prefer to say, that through being hurt and disrespected on a continual basis has strengthened me. Through a language barrier between me and a few people i met whilst in Kos i realised so much. Life is as complicated as you make it…… Even if it is raining, “Its ok” because tomorrow it may not, or “Its ok” because you are in your house. If you are hurting or upset with someone “Its ok” because you won’t be always. The amount of times i heard the phrase “Its ok” made me smile, as yes, yes it is ‘ok’. The simplicity of it being ‘ok’ the word being so simply made up of two letters but having such power within them to actually give comfort and a new perspective and reassurance is wonderful.

I played on the beach with leo and Tinisha, Leo taught me how to skim rocks, i was wearing a dress and was knee deep in the beautiful topaz sea. And overtime i could not skim a rock, the phrase came “It’s ok” Everytime it came tumbling out i smiled “Its ok, you can try again” I then seen the metaphor for my life, for every rock i could not skim, for everytime i tried and failed, it was ok, as i just try again. But it was nice to have someone say “Its ok”. My dress was soaking wet, and “It’s ok” because it will dry, and did within half hour. When i was deep in thought, and my mind wandering further than any country i could visit, it is ‘ok’ as for every thought and problem there is a resolution. Leo taught me and made me feel ‘alive’. I walked next to him wanting to touch him, feeling his energy, and feeling something tug in me. He crossed my path, and I crossed his, and I didn’t want to not walk on my path without him. But the end of my stay was hours away. 

When i sat writing my last blog post in the bar in lamb, i cried a little bit as it was a emotional day, a voice heavy with accent spoke “Lu-c why you cry?” i thought i could shed a tear or two without anyone noticing, i could do it in secret. Maybe it was the voice heavy with a accent that could only speak in simple english that allowed me to understand the simplicity of life, and love and the world. Maybe it is good to have fewer words to speak, maybe too many words complicate things too much. Simple English slathered with a heavy accent seemed somewhat refreshing and magical. There are few things in this world that are truly precious, love, respect, and loyalty are among the few i deem precious. Now i add one to this list, it is ‘time’, time and leo. Time is now a whole new level of precious. So is Leo. This last week i have spent time with my daughter, time traveling through a beautiful island, time with beautiful people and time by myself. I have also spend time thinking about things and time watching the world and its interactions. I have spent time listening to peoples stories and experiences and lives and i felt so privileged to of been given the most precious thing they have ‘time’, and they spent it talking to me. It is lovely. The laidback attitude of the people i met was refreshing and beautiful to be. I decided to delete my one email address from my phone as i no longer need to spend time with anything that comes through on that email address. I choose not to spend my time on anyone who thinks i deserve less than what i know i deserve. I decided simple words like “Its ok” are some of the most beautiful words i have ever heard.

And ‘Its ok’ to ask questions, and ask lots, because how else will i get answers, will i understand, will i learn or grow my perspective my knowledge and my beliefs if i do not ask. I always ask people questions, sometimes they are random, sometimes they are personal, other times they are philosophical, i ask because i am curious to how other people are similar or different to me in the way they think, see and have experienced life. For i will always be the girl that asked the questions that made them think more, that made them see that i am not just a pretty girl, I am a curious, fun, intelligent and witty girl. I am a talented, caring and compassionate girl, with a passion and lust for magic and beauty.

For what it is worth to anyone reading this…. and thinking too much or feeling too much “Its ok” it will get better it always does….. but Its ok to feel sad, its ok to feel anger, its ok to feel lost or confused, we are human and its ok to feel, its what we are made to do, to feel, some of us feel so deeply, and its ok because it shows we cared so deeply, loved so deeply and believed so deeply. That is not a bad thing, it is good, as it shows that we are more than what we think we care, and capable of.