Truth of a silken web…

The beauty of always being one choice and one decision away from a completely different life and path cripples someone with a brain, through the magnitude of truth it harbours

For the brain to be able to comprehend this and it’s vast magnitude you have to pause quietly just thinking about how many choices you make in one day. Let me blow or enlighten your mind….

It could be as simple as leaving the house ten minutes earlier or later that saves you from the cradle of death. The train you missed maybe on a one way destination to smash town. The decision to book that flight despite the anxiety and travel to that city for a break, whereby you meet your soul mate/partner.

The choice of book you read that relays a sentence that changes your perspective and changes the way you live your life, and treat those in it. Even something as simple as checking your junk emails as you were bored, can lead to a new job, a successful business venture or rekindles romance. Every choice re-maps your life, and in-turn re-wires your experiences and perspective.

Some choices can be massive, like packing up our lives and moving. Taking a new job in a new city. Others can be as small as sending a email, or message. Some of the changes we make are conscious, knowing you have a problem and need to change, then going to war with yourself every day to reinforce the change. Other decisions we make are subconscious like changing a brand of food because it doesn’t taste as good as it use to, and inadvertently reducing the harmful chemicals we ingest minimising premature cancer cells to mutate.

I like to think of all the simple choices I make as finely stitching themselves into the bigger choices I make and reinforcing my journey. I have been extremely brave (for me) in the last year and a half and through the bravery my life has spun with change. The one thing I know more than anything now through the choices i made is that being unsure of something gets you nowhere. Being unsure of someone pushes you out of their lives. Being cowardly and settling in fear is like death for the soul. If who you are with and what you are doing does not bring with it a peace but fireworks of passion and excitement then you are not living. Your existing with denial as your companion.

I understand doubts and fear and how they can not only hold you back but let you loose the one thing you feared so much. I o fear something and have doubts mean you care about it and know it will impact your life and path. To feel indifferent about something or someone is not to care as the universe knows the impact on your life is minimal and so does your soul.

If you fear something for the Pandora’s box it can open … and the consequences you can’t see or predict – that my darlings is a path that will change your life for the better …. and you know it will as you fear it enough to care about the outcome.

Are you the human in your life or the shadow that hides behind a human form.

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I cannot commit …

There’s events that shape us and people who change us. They are the silk thread in our web of destiny. I committed to finishing one of the novels I am writing. Why? Because my photography has always been my release my visual story of my soul. It has provided the imagery for my hurt or anger or depression. It saved me when I couldn’t write. But I have always felt in my soul that I am a writer a poet, a hopeless romantic and two breaths away from always falling in love. It’s true I fall in love all the time. I fall so deeply in love with art, music, people and stories, or ideas. People are the most dangerous to fall in love with. Why? Because we have these ideas and expectations of love and who they are. Then we peel the flesh off their bones and see their soul. And realise they are not for us. Now we should know this anyway because if we just stopped with idealising someone in the first place we could of heard our soul speak ‘I don’t recognise this one’. I have a faith or belief that is shared by many, that souls recognise each other long before the body’s they wear ever meet.

Am I just a hopeless romantic ? No, no I am not. Because I have felt that soul connection. I still do. I always will. It will be the curse that hangs like the moon in the velvetine night. It’s a curse, but it’s a beautiful one, as it hurts. That’s how I know it’s real. They say when you can talk about a painful time in your life that changed you, and you don’t cry is when you have truly healed. I have healed. And nothing remains but that soul tie to that person. I could sort that out…. lessen the impact they have on me. But the truth is I dare not, because it’s what keeps my faith in fate and love.

I had the perfect guy. He was smart and handsome and so kind and funny. He was so honest and loyal and vulnerable with me. He was my saviour in many ways. He taught me what I deserved and how amazing I am. His culture and traditions were beautiful and him and his family welcomed me in. And I was humbled. I could of easily spent the rest of my life with him. He was perfect, but he wasn’t mine. And I, i could never be his, not truly. So do I live a lie and pretend…. I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to him, he was too good. He deserved a girl who would connect with him and connect with her the way I had with my karmic lover. To stay with someone sometimes is just cruel, unless they are ‘home’ your soul will forever roam .

To end it was kind. And fuck I will miss him. I will miss him so much. But if I stayed I would of lost myself. And I worked too hard on myself to loose me. Having a long distance relationship most of the time is like being alone, as you spend a lot of time with just yourself, and minimal distractions. Some people who can have long distance relationships are ones without karmic ties or soul connections. Why? Because if you have ever had a soul tie you will know how much your soul yearns to be next to its companion of life’s past …. being away from them is not easy. But without a soul tie you can be without them and not yearn for them, just miss them in your every day life. I decided if I will not be with my soul tie I will not be with anyone. It’s not worth the confusion and disruption to my souls balance.

I can’t commit to a person …. so instead I will commit to myself and my writing. One day soon I’ll be a best selling author ……. because I believe in me. And that’s all someone needs to stop living in denial. Believing in yourself gives you a courage and strength that is of another world. Believing in yourself is listening to your soul…. as it has the map of your fate for this life …

I know this year is a massive year in my life and I refuse to hide from it and shy away. This year is the year where everything comes into my life that I have manifested. I always do a new moon ritual and tonight I commenced mine. You should never say a name during this ritual because of the power it has….. tonight I whispered a name. A name has such power, a person cannot comprehend.

Tonight I released and tonight I requested. Tomorrow I shall be grateful of my blessing and I shall build a empire from the failures at my feet. For I am in this lifetime and only this one matters right now…. the ties to people and the resolve I will perhaps gain in the next. In a karmic relationship both people need to understand the extent of the damage they have previously caused. They need not to ask the other person for forgiveness as humans rarely truly forgive. They need to ask the others soul to forgive. It is only then the weight of the tie can lighten. I have requested soul forgiveness from the karmic soul I am tied too. And I have been granted it, the moment was surreal as for the first time in my life I spoke to a persons soul without them being present. It was something I cannot express in words, and would not of been able to do on my own. I owe my life to my mentor and someone from my soul group. I also have been so privileged to repay a karmic debt to a woman who is so spiritually evolved she is saintly. In working so deeply within yourself you can’t help but then see the world with a second pair of eyes. I can’t commit to another human…. I can only commit to a soul. For the people in my life now are pure divinity, and I have peace and a understanding most mortals couldn’t even believe was plausible.

I have realised and I practice this …

‘ I love them so purely I can let them go. For love is forever transcending and love is and will always be love if you have the strength of purity in love it never leaves us’

Breaking words

Few things fire my soul with passion but words and poetry. For me poetry is a dying language that only those with a hopeless romantic heart and a imaginative mind can learn and understand. The beauty of poetry and its metaphors is something that can bring about a sense of comfort during loss and a sense of longing during lonely days. The spoken word is ugly, the only words I have ever truly thought were beautiful were scrawled in ink on pages of books that were never meant to be shared. Poetry is like secret riddles that can only be decoded by the soul. I love poetry, I love metaphors and I love that my soul can dance with delight when it reads a poem like this …

Succulent alignment…

I have realised I need to escape. My home is not Wales, nothing about Wales is home or peace for me. I have realised for every time i land back in the UK i am checking my app to book the next flight out. The heaviness and dread that descends on me in wales is crippling. I travel to escape and i read while i am here to escape into a new world. But for now life has so many doors open I have been warned not to walk through any, just to wait as a few locked doors will become unlocked. This is both comforting and nerve wracking. Fear and doubts lead us to a state of stagnate existence, where they trade us what we can achieve and have, for that of which we already have. To be comfortable is what the weak use to live. To be uncomfortable being comfortable is what the cowards use to justify their life. The person who is uncomfortable but not longing to lost is the person who has made peace with his past, present and future, along with himself.

I have long felt the feeling i am lost, as i am not lost or longing, or feeling incomplete. I am not yearning or soulfully searching for anything, as i know what i have coming ….. being alone means hanging out with your soul, and learning to tune in and speak with it. I have learnt a language that is rarer than latin. So i have faith and i have trust to know what i have entering my life and who will enter it and who will come back. The problem is the knowing of ‘when’ i do not care for the how. Right now i am just waiting infront of all the open doors and watching the locked doors with intrigue. One day i will say ‘Well played universe, well played’ Until then i will be traveling through my books, on planes, in my writing and through my images, to escape where i am. I was told my head and heart and soul are out of alignment to my body. I know that, my body is here, my soul doesn’t want to be, my mind is frustrated at what to do and my heart, well god knows whats happened to that son of bitch.

Bury it …

How cowardly are you?

I think to a extent we are all cowards regarding one aspect of our lives or persona. Some are cowardly towards accepting who they are …. or becoming who they can be. Some can be cowards towards their emotions and revealing or showing them. Acting on our dreams, or ambitions. Cowards to the truth, or our destiny … cowards to faith and letting it give us our fate. Cowards in believing something …. we are all cowards of something …. and what you are w coward of is the thing that you fear the most. You fear it because it matters the most, it’s important, significant. You fear it because you know if you confront it, you will be presented with two possibilities, 1. Everything you ever wanted 2. The realisation that you will never have/become/achieve what is so important to you.

The thing with being cowardly is we deprive ourselves from the reality. Fear controls us, makes us doubt ourselves, our lives and choices, our future. Doubts eat away at our self esteem, and we ‘settle’ we settle for what does not challenge us, or frighten us. Therefore it will not change us, confronting fear, dispelling doubts, changes us as people. It changes our perspective our motives our behaviour, it enables us to grow. But first we have to be comfortable to let our old selfs and old ideas wither and die. As death is only death if you settle as then your fears die too. But death is another chance at life at being reborn if you step away from your doubts an fears and believe in what you want/deserve. Only you can have the life you want by making the changes that need to be made, and those changes are not to comfort the coward in you by feeding him doubts so you can justify ‘settling’.

If it does not set your soul on fire and feed your inspiration, satisfy that nawing hunger … then you will forever starve yourself from the only thing that will nourish your heart, mind and soul.

Anything that is important in your life will always be a factor in your life, it will either be your saviour or your demise in your life.

The greatest gift of my life is that I wasn’t afraid to be alone anymore. It was only when I was alone I was truly becoming friends with my soul. I understood a language I was too cowardly to learn before …. and in being alone I knew what it felt like to be lost and found in the same moment. It is to be loved and unloved at the same time. A journey of a coward starts with knowing why you are a coward… as then you know what’s most important to you in your life, what pieces you need in order to be complete for the lost and longing to stop…. to be at peace …

To be uncomfortably happy

When you are alone with someone inhaling their smell and touching their skin do you still feel alone?

When your soul sings like a broken harp and you just can’t drown the truth… what do you do?

Ask for a sign …?

I am asking for signs …. signs that what i am going to do is right …. yet my mortal eyes maybe ignoring signs … my self destructing ways may lead me down the wrong path … but if it’s the wrong path it will teach me more than the right one will… isn’t that true … for faltering faith is one that leads us merrily to our gravest mistakes

to be married is a commitment of a lifetime …. yet I am questing why ….