The good thing 

The good thing is you have been down this road before and you have survived. You have felt happier at the other side, and this is what will happen again. You can be in a mental, emotional and physically abusive relationship and still be ok when you realise it was them not you. 

You’re insecurities over girls that they made you have was them not you. They made you feel like that and then didn’t like the consequences. 

You can be called names and insulted and degraded but once you realise it was their perception of you and not everyone else’s you realise it was them with the issues not you. 

When they choose to be aggressive break into your house and steal your things even if you have threatened to call the police and still they don’t care. Then it was them that decided to drive down and act that way. Not you. When they are arrested and you drop charges and pay out of your child’s birthday money for them to get to their destination it wasn’t you who stole the bag and broke into their house and took their things. It was you who dropped the charges and helped them even when they didn’t deserve it. That doesn’t make you a bad person it makes you the better person considering they gave your child nothing for her birthday. And they decided that for Christmas what they promised to buy you would never materialise yet what you got them was more than they got you. It always was that way too. 

For every flaw they could throw at you you can throw theirs at them. And say I stood by you. 

When you decide that this has played out one too many times and you realise that you had to lie to them and make out the other guy you dated was not as nice as them or as good or funny as them as otherwise you would be called even more names and be given even more shit even when it wasn’t you who wanted to get back with them. 

I lived after them with less anxiety and self hate, less names being called and less worry and competition with other girls. And living without that again …. is something I am very happy to do again. 
But when they call you nuts and crazy they forget the things they done. I could of ruined your life quiet easily – I didn’t. Because I will always be a better person than you. 

Love of love ….

Many people shall come and go through your life. They shall cross your path, they shall teach you, inspire you, or hurt you. But what will you do to them? For them? In these last four years I have been taught a lot by someone who crossed my path and I let into my life. I have been taught a lot about who I am, who they are, what I can become and who they can become. 

I have recently found a calling in my life. When I thought there could be no possible way for me to have just one earthly purpose. I have psychic friends and a old dear minister whom is a renown psychic and spiritual healer. And how I paths crossed I could tell you but I doubt you would believe me. Or even think I am not crazy. It is peculiar the way if you have a religion, no one thinks you are crazy. But yet no one can see ‘this’ god. Just like believing in love, no one can see it, or the wind. We can only feel it. Faith is something I have always had but in what I have never known completely. I know enough about quatium theory to disprove god. I know enough to understand energy and matter and the universe. So for me to believe in fate and the power of the universe I guess is/was my faith. 

If someone should say that they can feel their god, then why should I not feel my energies of the universe? If someone says they receive messages from their god them why should I not be able to say I receive messages from spiritual guides. I have had a gift from a young age. I didn’t realise this till seven years ago. And I have indulged in it and I have restricted it. I have helped people with it and given messages so accurate that no one other than the spirit and the reciever should know. Through this I have conflicted with myself and my emotions. 

I have bipolar disorder which is a recognised cycling mood disorder. Extreme highs, intensive lows. Outbursts of anger and frustration and what some medical people consider as paranoia. Now, when you are spiritually susceptible to spirits as a messenger you are given messages and feelings and visual representations. In order to provide a accurate message to the person whom is to receive it. If I looked at my bipolar through a more spiritually charged viewpoint I may find a few coincidences and a few flaws. 

For example, I have intense feelings when meeting someone. I feel their energy and I feel their spiritual guides feelings and concerns. This is why a lot of the time I do not like to meet new people or go out. I get bombarded with intense emotions and feelings. In the medical world these are considered triggers. Mood cycles. 

Through being around new people I become exhausted because of the emotional and mental spiritual link I will have with them and their guides etc – this caused my mood to become low. Sometimes very low. When I am free from people and the spiritual connections I feel electrically charged and  happy beyond comparison. This would be seen as a bipolar high the manic episode. 
The paranoid Element that comes with bipolar is also a explainable thing to do with my gift. As I can predict events and I have a gut feeling. I can see choices being made and consequences to come for me and those around me. Therefore I develop anxiety as I do not want to control people, and neither do I want them hurt, or myself. This can cause me to have frustrated outbursts and then I get angry so angry that they we warned or told and they still went ahead and the consequences affect not just them but me and my life and my daughter and my equilibrium. 

I suppose now I can be honest, as I don’t want to hide who or what I am. I don’t care if people think I am bipolar or that I am nuts or that I am crazy. I know what I can do and I have proved this numerous times both to myself and others. The only thing I have a problem with is healing. As once I am hurt emotionally or spiritually I need to be healed. And I have been given the opportunity to do this now. I have spoken to a dear friend and I have attended a few meetings. 

I done something I would never ever of thought myself do. I stood in a crowded room and I had delivered messages from the spiritual realm. These three people in which spirit had wanted to make contact were overwhelmed with the accuracy of my messages and descriptions. I was shaking so badly and I was so exhausted and dizzy afterwards I nearly fainted. But the most rewarding thing I have ever done is just be me. Who I am, and deliever that to complete strangers and to be thanked for being me. 

I needed a lot of healing after that. As I have not yet learnt to release the energies of the emotions I have been passed. The minister whom took me along, was beyond proud and amazed with me. And I haven’t had anyone tell me how proud they were of me in such a long time I cried so mercilessly. I met some extraordinary people and was pulled aside by one whom asked me a few questions. And asked if I would like to be part of a realm reading. I had no idea of what this entailed but I agreed. 

The realm reading was mind blowing in me understanding my past life’s and attributes in this life. I suppose in a way it was something that everyone should undergo to help them understand and differentiate between themselves and their souls. And this has massively helped me to do so.

Through this encounter I have found a lot of peace and love for myself. I have also realised a lot about the people whom I surrounded myself with. My influence on them and upon their lives. Someone exited my life recently and unfortunately I do not see them ever coming back until they have been enlightened to their soul and the earth form as they are such a conflicting person. And are a chaotic human, very unorganised, very last minute and very ignorant and their displacement affects their energy and their mind. Which then conflicts with their soul. They think they don’t belong anywhere because of the way they are neither at peace with their earth self or spiritual self. They work so much as they have no other form of purpose as they don’t ground themselves with their soul and earth presences. I spent so long talking about this person to these people. Thinking I failed in my helping him. And it’s hurt me to think I have. But it was good to know that he will realise when/if he becomes awake that he will see I did not fail him. I did actually do a lot of the opposite. I know he would snigger at this. But that’s ok. The unwake people the people who have not been enlightened or made peace with both their soul and human form yet are oblivious to those around them whom are more pure. 

Until some people allow their human form bleed into their soul and let the soul bleed love into human heart the conflict will always hurt the person and make them feel more lost than they ever will feel happiness. I pray this is not the case for him, but he is one born under the star of stubbornness and ignorance. His journey will be long. And I wish him the best as no one deserves a life of international and spiritual conflict as that leads to a lonely unfulfilled life. 

I have so much to learn on this new journey and I will be leaving in a week to travel to another meeting with some very respectable people. One lady in particular I am excited to meet as she travels the world doing. And all I want to ask is something simple “will it help” I hope it gets met with a yes and a smile. 

So if I told you I knew who you were before I even got to know you and I still choose to love you, then maybe it was my fault for knowing I could only go as far as the other person was willing to go. A man could have everything, every other man on the planet desires, and if he is not a peace with himself his conflict of his soul and human form will have him blind. A enlightened man is one I seek who I can truly be myself with and be truly loved by, for me. For the joy I bring him, the protection I try and enforce around him and the devotion of love and care he will receive in memories he will never want to erase. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they truly are, and be respected for their differences. Because that is how you are human. But being a human with a soul takes courage and to be led by faith not fear and self conflict. 

L

Enlightement

If you surround yourself with cold dirt, then cold dirt is what will feel familiar … cold, dirt. If you surround yourself with warm and sand, then that two shall feel familiar. What we surround ourselves with becomes the perspective in which we perceive the world.
This is the same for whom we surround ourselves with, for if we surround ourselves with like minded people, life will be easy, and it will narrow, if we surround ourselves with people whom do not think like us, whom do not perceive the world as we do, we are enlighten. Enlightened to another culture, way of thinking, insight to the world, the revelations, diversity is the world from the ferns to the sky. They have nothing in common but the sky shall inspire the fern with its height, the fern shall inspire the sky with its cycle of colours throughout the season. Their is inspiration and englightment in everything, if you want to see it. The english langauge has the equivelent of 171,476 words. When talking to another person if you cannot use any of the 171,476 words to be kind, then maybe you should look to yourself for enlightement. A human being should be respectful to another human being. We have the same anatomical heart ….. our blood is the same colour. Our eyes as beautiful in all shades… our minds as beautiful as they are complex and unique. The thing that i love most about humans are their ability to change, to become better, more determined, to solve problems, to be kinder. We all have a soul and our soul deep down all wants us to be kind, to be loved, and to give love, and empathy and compassion. All you have to do is be enlighted to the feel and voice of your soul. Your soul is the person who wills you to do good. That if you do bad, was the deep ache and voice inside telling you not too, the voice and feeling you ignored, maybe because of your physical feelings and emotions. Emotions are physical, they can affect your soul, but they do not control your soul, only your reactions.

So … if i react poorly out of anger, it is my choice to react, this can be through being hurt, through guilt, frustration, but it will never be my soul, that will make me act with anger. If i should become upset and cry, I could cry out of frustration or physical pain, or loss, however because i have empathy this is directly linked to my soul, and i can become overwhelmed with empathy for someone and cry. This empathy can be linked to the soul as the soul is another thing all human being have, it is the coat hanger to the flesh we carry round with us everyday. The soul is energy, and sometimes we feel the energy of people before we see or know their intentions. If you feel uneasy with someone, its their energy, its their soul, it does not mean they are a bad person, as i said no soul is bad. But some people soul’s can be damaged, lost and somewhat stranded through the physical world we live in. If i was to be told every day i was worthless and i was beaten with insults and names, i could become angry at the world and other people for the way i was treated and my energy would be negative and my presences be felt as that way. I think some people are sent into our lives to help heal us, or our souls, to guide them a bit, love them a bit, and nourish them a bit. These people are the secret angels that empathise too much, love too much, care without restrictions, and only ever want the best healing for the damaged souls. But sometimes the damaged souls, lash and hurt ours in the journey of us trying to heal them. Unfortunately they sometimes never realise this, or the things we have done, the love we have purely spent, and that our scars as empaths are so much deeper than those of unaware beings.

Some times the damaged souls we are set on a path to heal will discard us when we are no longer required, and that is ok, that is their choice. Othertimes you wish that you could help them more, as their narrow minded earth brain is still not awakened and neither is their potiential. But sometimes you have to hold them out and let them go…. and hope they survive and do well with all you have given, and taught them.

If I tell … promise you will forget.

The greatest thief….. Time, the greatest lie? Happily ever after. The most selfish person… a parent. If I told you this would you believe me…. time slips away, disguised as yesterday’s, and hopeful tomorrow’s. we are so eager for tomorrow …. we forget what we lost yesterday. We forgot to say ‘sorry’ to tell someone ‘we miss and think of them’ we underestimate the magnitude of love when we have it. We revel in a limbo of hell and despair wishing today away, and the pain. The people we have lost, the people we have gained, never belonged to us anyway. We belong to no one, and no one belongs to us. To understand this is to understand what peace and love is. We are governed by laws, but we forget the most important laws… the laws of attraction …. you get what you manifest. We are given free will and a innocent mind, as we grow restrictions and innocences leaves….. because we give up on ourselves more easily than we do on others. We push our children to achieve and praise them for their accomplishments…. but we forget they have their own soul and dreams, and they do not owe you anything. They don’t belong to you, but you are allowed to love them and inspire them. Mistakes make you human, it enables you to see that your soul is just as important as the flesh you carry upon your bones. And other people’s mistakes show they tried, they are human too. Make choices and make good ones as often as you can…. as that is what being a human should be …. a human with humanity and empathy. 

Today …

Today becomes a day I will remember for a number of reasons. Today will be the day I thank myself for in a few weeks and in a few years. My attachment to someone has disappeared and my attitude is positive. This can only mean one thing, it’s time to move on. He set me free and now I am leaving my cage and seeing the width of my wings and their strength. Yesterday I had a message from a surprising person, and I am glad a heart to heart prevailed. Today I had the best surprise ever …I cried with emotion, to feel special, to feel appreciated and cared for is all I ever want. And today I will be going out and indulging with good food and good company, and be reminding myself that I don’t deserve to be called hateful names by a immature boy. That I do deserve to be considered and understood, and that I deserve to be happy. I am excited and I am nervous, but most of all I am glad things happened the way they have. I could sit and ponder all the girls and nasty sleazy photos that are being exchanged between my ex and others, or the sleazy nature of distraction in which he loves. I could care about how much I will miss him. But I don’t, why should I care for someone who has shown me they don’t countless times. I hope his distractions, his sleazy sexual encounters are satisfying….. as I am building myself up, I am not trying to escape I’m just absorbing and enjoying his mistake.

 

Emancipation 

I fought to save a man, for two years I tried to save him. I almost killed myself in the process. Through his lies and infidelities, through his homelessness and his jobless state. I loved a man and tried to save him …. through his angry outbursts and notchalant ways, I still tried to save and fix him. Then I left, as I was killing my self trying to save someone who didn’t give a shit about me. He’d say I didn’t do this right, I didn’t show him this, and so I would improve and strive. And right up until a few weeks ago he still said it was my fault, I didn’t listen, I over reacted. But this was the only thing he could say and blame. It’s funny as he promised to save me in the same way I saved him. Yet me putting up a tweet, saying I had a shitty day, was the last straw for him. While he whiled away his hours in a place that sunk its teeth into me and released nothing but paranoid venom. Yet I am wrong. Fine. I’ll be wrong, that’s ok, I’ll take that. At least I can be happy in a relationship, in a way he never will be and never have been.  I have never been more sure in my life that even though people split because they cheat, they want different things, they are sly or they are not in love anymore. To split up with someone over something so pathetic shows a lack of commitment, love and understanding. Shame I didn’t treat him like that, when I should of when I had many more reasons too. Maybe I should of when he was cheating, lying, or being aggressive and angry and impossible and careless. Maybe the lesson I learn is not to try and save someone who wouldn’t spend the same time and efforts in saving you back. Words drip from lips, actions carry more weight. I know this time that whomever I meet I will never leave them again to try and restore what I had with this guy. I have done that twice and it has got me no where. I asked a man what mistakes he made with relationships, and he said in his twenties he never found anyone who he thought he could be with on a daily basis for the rest of his life. He said I never found my best friend until I was in my forties. I smiled, I had found my best friend whose company I never tired of… and I found someone who I truly believed thought the same. It’s a shame, as now I have no relationship or best friend. But I know that having a best friend in a relationship is something I want again, only with someone who is not to immature to realise how precious that actually is. And I know the next man will never speak to me and call me names like I let this one do, partly because the other two men I dated and everyone before that never have, as they respected me. I am a respectable girl. I am talented in many ways. I am kind and thoughtful and sweet. I am fun and funny and always supportive. I am almost the perfect girl. And every guy can see that, every guy who knows what they want in a partner. Who knows what they want in life, men who know how to value themselves and others. This man was deeply unhappy, restless and damaged. And no amount of love or support can save someone who does not want to, or care to be saved. Or to appreciate what they had, is what every other guy dreams to have. No one ever realises what they have until it’s gone. The reason he wants to travel is not to see the world but to find a place he belongs, what he does not realise is anyone can live anywhere where you belong is where you are loved and valued and wanted and needed. He doesn’t work for money he works as without it what has he got? What purpose does he serve?  A family a home and love gives you purpose, but he’s too young to see, and to ignorant to listen. And I refuse spending any more time trying to save someone educated and enable someone to have everything they don’t appreciate or value. I will miss things, but I can build things with someone else and know they will won’t take me for granted. I have decided that I will give up social media, and lead a more secret life while I’m treading things out. While I am meeting new people and getting to know them. And this is the time whereby I can create a world where I can be safe with someone else……. and with myself. So goodbye social media, goodbye my ex, have fun and take care and I hope you find a place you belong. And if you don’t I hope you realise it was what I said all along and understand what you had, and maybe appreciate what you had and who loved you and saved you, and that no one else would do that or what i have for him. Maybe one day I will get a message saying “thanks for being you” but I won’t hold my breath. 

Know when 

Know when you are doing stuff that is hurting someone. Know that just because they hurt you, you don’t have to hurt them back. If they make you feel worthless and insignificant to them, know that is a reflection of them, not your worth. Hurt people, hurt people. Change the cycle, break the cycle. If you feel as bad as they want you to feel, then they win. They have control over you, until you realise otherwise. Not everyone who comes into your life stays. Not everyone should. If you are made to feel meaningless what are you loosing? You’ll loose the feeling of feeling worthlessness. Everyone can have sex, sex and sexual encounters, they are like ready meals on social media. But love, respect and support is rare. It’s a flawless diamond, it is beautiful and valuable, priceless to a extent. Spending time with someone you enjoy just being around is hard to find and something that’s worth cherishing. I have had bad relationships, but I have good memories. Funny stories and experiences I wouldn’t of had otherwise. You do have to have the bad to appreciate the good, but what you need to be able to do is appreciate the person. Know whether they are the person you can rely on depend on, that if you two were to go to war that you’d choose each other willingly to be a team. To fight together till the bitter end, not fight each other till the bitter end. I have had lovers, and partners, and best friends in the form of my relationships. But what I have never had is one that is all three …. because that one that is all three of them things is the one not only would I keep on my team and die to protect and know they would do the same for me. But that in reality that is the person I can marry. Marriage is a sanctuary of vows that are not important to declare before loved ones or a god. But to declare in your soul that you both pledge your heart and soul your mortality and time, your love and efforts to no others, that you invest in each other time. Which is more precious than any money, time we can’t value, as lost time is more regrettable than wasted money. The only thing I will take from anyone is respect and support the only thing I will demand is understanding and respect. I want respect, not just love. As respect encompasses so much, honesty, trust and unyielding support. Marriage to me is finding someone that you don’t say “I do” it says “no matter what”, no matter what you do I will support you, no matter what you decide I will agree with you. No matter how low you feel I will be there for you, it’s no matter what. Not, until I feel differently.