love is a loosing game ……

Tonight I sat in Roath park lake, not a cemetery although i know many within my city that would of welcomed me as they did the dead that lays within them.  I sat there with a coffee on a bench in the dark at midnight like i had two years earlier. This time i was alone, alone with my coffee thoughts and cigarettes. I have always thought how beautiful the water paints light in the day and in the blanket of the night. The different shades of black from the shadows of the trees to the sky to the mood that wrapped around me as i sit still. I watched the water and seen the reflection of my life while destiny and fate took a seat beside me and reminded me of all my past mistakes. Love? I blog so much about it…. Its a funny kind of thing. No words that can accurately describe it… the way it feels the way it makes you think differently and act. When we are in love we stay too long, make stupid decisions, and sometimes don’t even know how to receive love or give it so much that it consumes and kills us. It can be destructive it can be euphoric, it can be irrational and it can be gut wrenchingly powerful. Its the most lethal drug and its free.

I have always panicked that i will love the wrong person or that i wont love the person who loves me as i will be too scared or damaged. I have thought i was in love and when the relationship has ended i realised i wasn’t in love with that person i just didn’t want to be alone. There’s a huge difference in being in love with someone and loving someone. Being in love with someone means you would die for their happiness even if that happiness is not with you, its with someone else. Being in love with someone means that no matter what they have a piece of you, whether they want it or not, it is reserved for just them. I loved once he was a English man and he was everything I could want a human to be…. And i died. Well at least my soul did when we finished. Then i met another English man, and the first time we met for a date he smiled at me and kissed me. In that kiss i tasted the demise of my sanity. He was never one to live by the rules, i don’t think he even knew the concept of them. And i loved him even harder for that. Lana del ray soundtrack became the soundtrack for the first year of our relationship…. to me anyway…. he was ‘my old man’ he had a ‘soul as sweet at blood red jam’ (off to the races) it was the months that pasted and the songs ‘heaven is a place on earth with you’ and ‘being in his favourite sun dress’ – Every song within that album was etched on me.

He was my ‘million dollar man’ he was ‘someone who was dangerous and tainted and flawed’ and ‘i loved him, i loved him, i loved him’ ………… he ‘looked like a million dollar man, so why is my heart broke’ …………..

It is amazing how then two years later the album that has the same affect on me is ‘Hozier’ at first it was just ‘take me to church’ …… then it became every track that i heard that entwined itself within the months that followed ……every lyric… every song….. every hum…. ‘when my time comes around lay me down gently in the cold dark earth ….no grave can hold my body down, i’ll crawl home to her’……..

I wanted to save him, I did. I saved him from one person, and i had to save him from another… himself. But i failed. I failed in saving him from himself. The harder i tried the more he self destructed, the harder i loved him the weaker i became and the more destructive he became……. So i walked away. I told myself i didn’t care if he lived or died. I was a inch away from death…- my own. I was two thoughts away from insanity, and a breath away from breaking and snapping my spine into splinters. I left and i left knowing i failed.  Then he done the unthinkable the unspeakable and the unimaginable …… he saved himself. In a selfish way i hope that by me giving up on him i had saved him. That my pain,my struggle, my insanity, my anxiety my tears my anger weren’t all for nothing, that the shards of my heart are but glitter because thats what had to happen to me in order to save him ………… I hope, because that means my pain and hurting and aching to this day has not been for nothing.

Yet i feel so angry and so annoyed that he saved himself and he is working to be his best self, the person, the boy i saw. The one, the boy  i stayed around for…. for so long. The one i fought for the one i broke over the one who i believed in. This boy is going to go and love another girl in ways i deserved to be loved as i loved him hard and pure. But a little bit of me is glad too that he will love another girl in a better way than he loved me……. he wont hurt another girl the way he did me as he is a better person now. Or will be when he’s done. I have lost my boy…… he’s now a man. And he will make someone so happy and i hope they appreciate what he has done for himself and who he has become….. and i hope they love him sooooo much and he feels it and embraces it and it makes him happy. As that will make me happy. His happiness is everything to me, and his life… even if it is not with me. Why? because the red string of fate says no one is a mistake ….. we know ‘every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around’ ……. and you never know we may meet in another life when we are both cats ; )   But for now we are healing…… grieving and learning. Learning to live without one another, learning to love ourselves and ‘consequences.’ I lost my boyfriend the day i gave up on him, i lost my boyfriend and my best friend. Maybe one day i will get my best friend back………because i miss him to the point of madness as no one ‘got’ me like him….. maybe we will be able to tell each other again one day … maybe when i see him again. Maybe he wont need a best friend like me… he will have a new one. I hope they are as cool as me. I hope they remind him of me.

Until then i have places to travel and uni to finish and goals to achieve i will never be able to say goodbye to him. Its just a ‘see you again/around’ As goodbyes are forever and i hate loosing people forever as i loose a part of my identity, my history …..a part of me, as he will hold a piece of me within him. Thats the punishment you get for loving someone, you loose a piece of yourself as you burry it in them……..so love is a loosing game no matter how careful or reckless you play.

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The Indecision of decisions

I fall short of being comforted by my decisions and the morality of them. When morals and feeling set their feet in the ring to fight to the bitter death, its hardly surprising regret is a scar we all carry. I am a sucker for a romantic love story, I guess its the little girl in me that saw many a disney princess, rescued or sacrificing something of value at a chance of the adventure love can bring. They all ended up happy, the cliche happily ever after. Did that stop existing or did it every exist in the first second of mankind. Is it a false facade to keep humans reproducing… or so are attention was so far distracted from reality that we can be bled to death and not even realise. I experienced the most profound love, once. They say you experience a kind of love once in a lifetime that never leaves you. Maybe he was/is mine. At the regrettable age of 28 (29 in a month to the day) I have experienced different types of love, and i have never loved one partner the same way or have i ever experienced love of the same kind from any partner. A blessing and a curse.

I never were a jealous girlfriend, but I’m a girl with feelings. I neither want to own someone with the power of love, and neither do i want to be enslaved to theirs. For every lover i have crossed paths with I have never found in them what i truly desire from love. Freedom. I believe love sets you free. I believe love is something that is the most dangerous entity in this world. And now love is something that scares me beyond recognition of the benefits that are wrapped in a bow at the start.  I am now maybe a cynic to love of the partner kind. I think of all the things i love about being alive, being a human. The warming sun on a summers day, laying upon my skin like a blanket. I imagine my lover with me on a grassy patch in some country. Any country even here, as long as you are happy, destination could be a cardboard box in a doorway with your lover or a sandy beach in bora bora. To me its not about the beauty of places, its the beauty in the memories i create in the places with the person i could not imagine my soul without. Upon this grassy patch, whether we are making animals or superhero from the sweeping clouds, or napping, we could in silence appreciating each other presence. Or he could be playing with my hair as i rest my head on his lap and he reads aloud to me, or I to him. Whether it be my favourite author or poet or his. It doesn’t matter as its not the words that matter its the way the person reads them with such a ignited excited passion or belief in their beauty it transpires into your ears and mind and snuggles their for a lifetime.

I suppose the coffee and cake in bed on a sunday morning, with crumple sheets screaming how much we loved each other the night before. Maybe its the long silent walks or the tour around a beautiful city on a spur of a moments drive on sunday. I like the little things. I adore the little things. Its not about buying me flowers and asking me to see their beauty its about taking me somewhere even just to your imagination and letting me see the world and its beauty through your passion and your eyes. Its the morning texts when the bed is empty, knowing the first thing i read is your appreciation and beauty in thinking of me when your not just in my bed. I also love the way someone loves me, the way they want a ticket into not just my heart, my bed, but my world, my passion my mind. To gain access to that is something i do not allow for many people or lovers as some i have allowed and lived to regret. I have chosen to ask a man to aid me in my passion to collaborate with me on something i find to be a massive step into my world. My photography, Not because i am wanting a male model or company, but because of the way i want to depict him as a man.

A man is a interesting opposite to a woman. And for every man i have shared even a hours company with i always find something enchanting about them. The way they like to enhance their status in a way to win my affection or attention. When they couldn’t even begin to understand me as the girl i am. I do not care for your car or bank balance your body fat or lack of the physic you have or the looks you have or haven’t been gifted with. I don’t care for what your education level is, or your culture or religion. The thing i care about is your passion or you having one. The way you can entrance me and teach me something that i do not know or hypnotise me with the way you have the need for art in your life. A man who knows who he is and is happy with himself. A man who finds beauty in the working of my mind or the words splattered on my page. I found this man and he intrigues me and to me he is the embodiment of what a man should be. And rather than seeing him in his mortal flesh i have and do see him in one of my images and for that reason i need to create that image. I need to bring this mere mortal into my world of love and pain and art and words and make me believe in both myself and my decisions again.  From this man i need something more than any other man has given me………….. I need him in his mortal form, stripped bare of everything but his soul. As of yet he has no idea as to the image i want to create, as of yet we have barely spoke of it. As of yet I am scared of the image and the significance if i can actually pull it off the way ‘I’ see this man.

My indecision…………..is varied from what flavour coffee to drink to who to reply back to with a message. From who to bother to even message first and what type of start i want to start my novel with. So when my hand sits on my camera i transform into the person no one gets too close too……’Anything you have to say, say it through the camera’ That is my mindset every time i chose to pick up my camera. That lens i stare into a devoid from meeting is my lover, my love, my freedom. Maybe the love for a partner is not real, maybe the only true ‘love’ you ever experience is that which you create, develop and embody with all your belief and passion and emotions into. Not because it pays well but because it is selfishly the only thing you can ever own, control, and will only ever leave you if…… you choose to leave it, or yourself. I can’t be what someone wants me to be, the standards they set, the expectations they have and the obligations thus in turn puts on me. But i can decide to be the one person who does not hurt me, or lie, or deceive myself, i can be the one person i can find comfort and safety in. I can be the person who loves me.

 

I have been in such a vile relationship i am now a tortoise …… I am tucked within my shell. I am safe, I am cosy and I am at such a distance from exposing any part of me I can now truly get to know me. I ‘am sure one day i will get a bit lonely or yearn for some affection or interaction and peer out at the world. But for as long as i have a book and my writing or photography for expression. What else do i need…………………….from anyone. As i have the things that make me happy, and make me, me. Though success is nothing if you have no one to share it with, travel is lovely, but lonely when you have only your eyes and can’t see the beauty through another’s. So maybe one day someone may pick up my shell i hide in, and sit there and wait with patiences love and care……. and maybe one day i will come out and love would of been ‘just waiting right there’ just waiting for me.

The image i have featured in this blog was a failed attempt at the image i wanted to create, but to me it symbolises something else too. But this i will keep a secret.

Two lost souls ….swimming in a fish Bowl….

This image is inspired by the pink Floyd lyrics…… ‘Two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl’ I always seem to picture this regarding a relationship. With a lover of course. Just two souls walking the earth who end up in the same world, sharing a life. Sharing laughs, and fun times, sharing secrets under the blanket of a starry night. All those beautiful words confessed in-between bed sheets, the ‘I love you’ that filled you with comfort now come to fill you with a sting, every time you recall the voice they belong to. A sad truth. A bittersweet truth. I don’t understand how people can say things that they don’t feel, they do not mean, make promises they do not keep or have any intention of keeping. The way lies can be a first language for one person, and the other person still speaks in the truth. Then a end comes crashing into the bowl, as the soul you thought you knew, just turned out to be a snake coiling, and suffocating the beautiful and innocent out of you. A cowardly snake who wont end you with venom, but with suffocating lies. Then his eyes turn to splits and he hisses that the pain you are in, is because you resist to believe what deceit he tries to feed you.

Im sorry ……..I do not like your soul anymore, I do not know why I ever did. You didn’t have to ruin my soul, you just had to let me go. You didn’t have to make me ill, just because you were sick. No excuses I am ever giving you, hurting me like you do is just another sick part of you. I don’t know why you do the things you do, I do not know why i stayed, but as of today, those two lost little souls in that fishbowl, have become one lost little soul. You. I have been set free as you never could stay faithful to me, so find another lost little soul, but not in the same sea I roam.

Its calling……. the truth… just for you….

Theres a certain hold people have over you, for different reasons where you want acceptance, acknowledgement or love. Whatever it may be, its a hold. For a long time someone has had a hold over me, and now its completely gone. They had a hold over me for how low they made me feel, for how powerful and sly they needed to be, and how sleazy they were. Multiple girls had been victim to this guy, he likes the power, the power to get them to expose their bodies, its a sick ego thing. Its a disrespectful thing, to both himself and whatever girls he uses. The girls i feel a bit sorry for as they buy into him wanting them or desiring them, but really its quite sad, because he really do. He needs to have self validation from these weak girls, to make himself feel some what whole. He needs constant attention like a child, any anyone will do.  I have witnessed this first hand being his partner for two and a half years, first it was his ex, who he was cheating on me with, alongside multiple other girls. Sext texting having explicit pictures sent to him, and sending them also. Flirting and being a general sleaze, i look now and i am repulsed. Seriously i feel sick i ever loved a person like this. But when i found out i was devastated, thinking there was something wrong with me, I was hurt and i was angry but most of all i questioned myself. Although he also put so much of the blame on me, and made me think i was paranoid, i was insecure, well when you constantly flirt and expose yourself and get girls to expose themselves to you, that kind of makes any person cautious and insecure. But this human claims to have a soul, A soul is something you treasure, as much as who you give your body too. See the utterly sad thing is i was insecure and i was manipulated and i was used, essentially. Anxiety and questions bubbled inside, and he would always lie, however he was so bad at it. But he couldn’t help himself, he is a disgusting person. He would lie and say he wasn’t doing anything when a look through his phone, would say otherwise. He got worse however when he started working away as he was able to lead a double life again. Its amazing how none of his exes say anything nice about him, i wonder why. No, no, I know why. The last one got a lucky escape, however I admire the fact she fucked him over beautifully too. He would say that he only done what he done because of what she was doing, but he still done it when he had a loyal girl by his side. SO truth is he will excuse himself every time, a compulsive liar and delusional sleaze.

The one thing i know, Is that as i write this happy he is now no longer a part of my life, and now i actually see him for the repulsive, vile person he is… not what he pretends to be. I know that he’s probably having sex conversation, a sleazy video skype chat, or audio (as he’s knocked it up and even more sleazier level, that even i didn’t think was possible.) I am sat here with complete peace of mind. That i have finally done the right thing. I have finally left, and would never ever, ever go back. Why would anyone go back to a manipulative, compulsive liar and cheat, who had no self respect, or respect for the person he claimed to love. What type of person is that? Is that even human? I have peace of mind that i am healing my soul and heat and mind, by actually taking time out to love myself and respect myself again. He is probably, no, he is doing what he always does, trawling facebook (thats his fav) or some pathetic dating website, looking for easy girls. He normally goes for the chubby ones or the ones that aren’t that pretty or smart. Thats not me being nasty, its me being truthful, because they are just as grateful for the attention as he is really. He wants the ego trip of power, and a wank, some free sleazy interactive porn and a girl to give him attention. And the girl who is insecure wants to think that it will probably lead to something more. Its sad to think he doesn’t even care for these girls, but then he didn’t care for me so not surprising.

Whatever he is, he is not respectable, decent, or worthy of a good clean and kind hearted partner. And he will never get one, as he knows who he is, and deep down he knows he isn’t worthy. But he will delusional tell you different, he’s amazing in his opinion. And has a soul, LMAO, clearly he’s mistaking his shadow for a soul. Best part is he is the majority of alot of boys of this generation. I would call myself a victim, but i’am not as I walked away. Well you kind of have too, when he’s asleep in your bed messaging other girls he’s been sleazy and skyping with, and then says he refuses to stop talking to them. But I am suppose to be ok with that? yeah? because any normal person would be? SO i said ‘Fine i’m done” He walked out and then he said to me, “hey for what its worth i didn’t mean for it to end this way x”  what way is that me finding out you were a lying cheating cunt again. Yeah me neither….. i ignored the text and changed my number immediately.  And i remember him saying to me if ‘I’ ever slag him off on social media he never ever will speak to me again. HAHAHAHAHAHA (he hates people think bad of him, because then they cant eat his side of the story as well as they could, i mean his lies) So for whatever it is worth i hope he is reading this, as i have every reason to tell the truth!!! I started a relationship back in 2013 with a fucked up guy who dragged me into his games with his ex of cheating and lying, and i found out, he begged me to take him back i did. I found out about other girls and i stayed. Every time he went back to her or deceived me i fucked him off, i even started seeing someone else. But he was a great stalker, the best actually. But with his temper he ended up having a little holiday. When he come out I got back with him, (stupidly) Now through all this with his lies for two years, he wonders why i do not trust him, that i accused him of things when he wasnt doing anything. Nope my darling when i did accuse you, i knew you were, you just didnt know i knew. Idiot. I knew more than he thought i did so he would still lie, thinking i didnt know. Literally a coward of any form of truth. And then in five months he thinks he can repair the damage he done in two years. I told you he was delusional. Anyway more to the point of this, Yes I ruined his life, and yes he ended up in prison because i put him there. I ruined his life as he kept coming into mine begging pleading even pretending to overdose once. And then he would fuck me over or around, and when i lashed back he didn’t like it. He can give it out but he cant take it. Coward. SO yes i happily put him in prison his temper was disgusting, his attitude stunk he though he was invincible, and more to the point he was a lying manipulative fucker who was hurting, using, and abusing people emotionally and mentally. And he knew the consequences he fuck me over i do it to him, i think if you ask him about the arrest he will even tell you he’s lost count of the times he got arrested. Which basically gives you a idea of the amount of times he fucked me over. So yes i admit i ruined his life a few times, i admit i dont trust the cunt and i also admit i stayed too long and gave him more charity than he deserved. I also admit that i wouldn’t of started the games if he had not dragged me in, I wouldn’t of lashed out if i weren’t hurt, or angry. So before he reads to the bottom of this which i am hoping he will….. push as much blame as you can on me, as much as you can as i know it must be vile to live, being you. So if it helps you slander me, But don’t lie, as I haven’t once on here. And you have no idea of the things i can produce to back up those little things you claim to know so well, FACTS. LMAO. So yeah after all you put me through, no im not playing the victim at all, What i am doing is giving my side before you brand me a stalker, or a girl you once when on a date with, LMAO! I am outing you on public media for the person you are, and what you do, and how pathetically sleazy and disgusting you are. And if your threat of never speaking to me again was soemthing you meant, then i win. As i never ever want to speak to a sleazy, cheating, lying, manipulative issue riddled, delusional, CUNT like you again. So make sure you keep to your word, and do me a favour test me, and i will ensure I actually name you, and i have enough screenshots of your sleazy ways, to any girl, woman, mother, or sister or whatever i feel like. So contemplate the whole two graves thing darling, as my mother always said to me.

Never hit someone first, ever, but if they hit you, make sure you hit them back and leave a fucking mark. So they learn they get back what they give out and will think twice. You however didnt learn your lesson from the past clearly, as you are still behaving like a sleazy coward. So …………………. You took the first hit all the time, and you done it again… you never learn, pathetic creep. Now I am free and I anit even bitter, i just pity you and the skets of girls you abuse really, and manipulate. I bet your mum would be proud of the BASTARD she raised. Now fuck off with your selfish needy sexual issues and grow the fuck up. Or jack up. As I have completely let you go….. I never ever want to even see you face or heard your name again.

And this photo is me releasing all the shit, all the insecurities and the complex and bullshit you gave me, before you killed me yet again, you are person who sucks the good out of someone and leaves them with nothing but bad…..killing their hearts and souls slowly, just because you dont have any of your own

Love is blind and so am I ……

Its 3am, and i just watched the most beautiful film i have ever watched. I had a favourite film, it was vanilla sky. I never thought i would love another film like i did that one, yet here I am, saying I do.  (which means we are married)  Its a quote from the film, but I have a new favourite film. Though i refuse to share it with anyone, i will never watch it with anyone. WHy? Because i watched vanilla sky with someone and they fell in love with it as well for the beautiful meaning, however, now – Its not the same. It was because i shared something of me with them, something i fell in love with, now its a mutual love. It is nice that they will always remember that film, a tattoo of the quote they have etched on their face in spanish. Spanish – the language i speak also. I have the quote also tattooed on me, it doe not make it any less but more in some ways. And i know in time, in reflection and hindsight it will mean a lot more to the person who have them words bleed into their skin with ink. I, however have a new favourite film, because of the meaning, because to the significance and i do not want to share it with anyone. No one at all, not even the person I love, as i want to keep that part of me for me. Just only me. They say love is blind, and so am I, as I am in love. But for as long as  I am blind i guess I am safe, as i know no better, as i cant see any better. Just like a stupid person is envied by smart people, in some flawed fucked up way. As the stupid people know no better, no different.

The film i just watched, i seen myself in the girl, so much.

“I am just a fucked up girl, looking for some peace of mind in someone else” a beautiful line, a warped truth. For that line and that girl alone made me realise so much, about love, perspective and myself. If i reveal the film to anyone, i will be revealing myself. Few people really know me, the real me.

See i realised something, I can get any man to fall in love with me, its not a challenge. It is not me being arrogant or having a ego. They will first see me for how i look, and i am pretty and slim. Then they will get a insight into me, by speaking to me. Then they will see how funny and smart and interesting I am. The things i list, are things i know, because so many people have mentioned them so often. Then they will be more intrigued and want to captivate me as the way i think and act intrigues a curious mind. If they see my work, they will be in awe, its how i met my last partner. He himself said after seeing my work and me, and having a brief conversation he just had to make me his. I thought this was sweet and somewhat what others have done. And  then they fall in love with me, the excitement i stir inside them, the way i can reach depths of them that no one else can. THe fact that every break up with a partner leaves them with place in their heart reserved for me. A longing sentiment of ‘ ill never find anyone like her again’. It is so endearing that anyone who comes into my life, welcomed in or who’s crashed in uninvited to have left a lasting mark on them. That years down the line, my name still stirs a good memory within them. I like that i have left so many people with a good memory of encouragement. A memory of happiness or liberation or sharing a piece of my life with them. As i am a very private person if i let you within the realms of my life i give you access to things no one else does. My body, my mind, and my soul.

That is the way it should be. If you love someone and they love you, the body you give them to make love to, to touch their lips to kiss, should only be yours and no one else’s. The fact you can touch them, their bare skin whenever you want to is such a intimate and sacred feeling i cherish. To give someone access to your mind, you lay out your insecurities and hope they never use them as a weapon. You lay naked with them, but fully clothed. Its what love is being vulnerable with someone, giving someone a empty box. When they look inside they say “theres nothing there” to which you can smile, and say ” yes there is, i am giving you the power, but you cant see it. I am giving you the power to hurt me, to make me cry, to cheat on me, or to walk away and leave me broken. I am giving you the power to scar me, but I am hoping you don’t” Only a intelligent person will understand what you mean, only a person connected to your path, who is able to walk on it with you, is able to understand what you mean. And then you give them access to childhood memories, past mistakes, you let them listen and form judgements, that they can use in their favour should they wish to hurt you, or to learn to understand you. You give them the bullets for the gun, and watch them with it. You let yourself become less of a mystery to them, as the quirky thoughts and expressions and way you think and see the world is no longer enchanting to them, unless they see the beauty in what you see too. Otherwise they just think, ‘Yep thats a lucz thing to say or think’ They will not appreciate this little quality until they leave.  Then you give them your soul, but you never really know you give them this until you can sit with a ache. A ache deep inside a nostalgic sickness and a pain thats so deep it takes your breath away. It takes your breath away so much so you have to remember to breath without them. This is both a beautiful thing and a harrowing thing. As to give someone your soul means they can ignite things in you, create things in you, burry things in you. If someone can stir your soul that someone was either a beautiful gift on your path or a bitter sweet mistake to encounter.  But when you give you body, your mind, and your soul to someone willingly or accidentally measure what you get in return.

A beautiful girl is only as beautiful as the man that makes her glow in a way no other man can. A julie roberts smile that can lite the world and make happiness contagious and love look like a fairytale. It is possible for a woman to become a million percent more beautiful if the man that adores her and she knows he do, they have given souls to each other……. kisses her on her cheek. I seen a couple that i thought had to be soul mates.  The amazingly talent Mister Robert Downey Jr and his wife susan. There are clips of these two on youtube under songs that he himself has sang. And she is gorgeous, when she looks at him, and he is the most handsome man in the world when he refers or smiles at her.  Fuck the Disney prince, I want what they have. Thats real and its clear to anyone and everyone that after nine years together….. they are still as in love and attentive to each other as they were in the first three months of dating, to me that is soulmates.

Thank you for reading…….

Tortured Torsos

Every person leaves their mark on you, every memory stains, and every word hurts………….Until you walk away. Today has been a day of reflection and contemplation. I have spoke to so many people who have out of no where come back into my life. So many things these last few days have happened, little things that fate could be thanked for. Or serendipitous occurrences can be thankfully blamed. Each one has bought a little bit of hope, a little bit of relief and help.

I am a very spiritual person, ( not believing in god) and thankfully this has helped considerably especially when I have things revealed to me. Throughout my last relationship i constantly had a man who would reveal so much to me, and ask me to stand strong and wait….. I did. Now he has revealed the biggest revelation of them all, and i could not be happier at knowing this. This gave me something that I have waited for, for so long.

And then another man revealed a lesson for a lifetime to me as I sat on Roath Park bench today a familiar one, and I people watched. I cried a little, i smiled a little, and I felt calm and at peace for a little, and i thought alot. I had a gentleman sit down next to me and ask how my day was, the defensive part in me, wanted to say, ‘it was fine before you came along.’

Though i didn’t I am not a rude person but i find small talk pointless. So i said the truth, ‘Well i have had better,’

But i dared to meet his eyes. So i stayed fixated on the lake and the boats, but raised a smile with my lips. He paused considering the best way to respond i suppose, If considering a response at all. But his response was beautiful and sincere, and made me love the honesty and warmth of strangers. People who have no responsiblity or obligation to you, yet treat you with more care than those who can claim to love you.

‘Well that it a shame to hear… I could fill the silence with advice fifty six years worth of it. But only fifty six as for three years i was a alcoholic and remember nothing, so your welcome to fifty six years worth.’ And he sat looking out to the lake, content as if he thought the sentence not said a word.  I could of declined and said i was fine, but something compelled me to accept. Who knows he may of needed to talk to someone, to feel useful, to feel he still has a purpose or to even justify a bad act by doing a good one.

‘Life, love, and health,’ I let the words float out with no urgency, and no care. And he replied with the same casual tone.

‘Well, if it was me ten years ago, I’d tell you to have a drink with me. ( he laughed a little and i smiled) But life is a bitch, never expect anything good from it and you shall never be disappointed. But don’t ever stop trying to be a better person than you were the day before. God knows the world needs all of them they can get. ( he had a point, and it was sensible advice) Love, thats a tricky one, but again never expect any good and you shan’t be disappointed. But never stop loving someone just because they stop loving you. The world needs love, and so many people seem to forget the more love you carry inside you the more grows. ( at this point i bit my lip, this old ex drunk was a smart man) And as for Health, dont ever expect good health, we are mutations therefore our health will one day disappoint. But dont go drinking excessively or using drugs, just expect that health like age has a sell by date. But do know whatever life gives us to deal with in love or health know that those two show us who really matters and who we really matter too.’ His voice dropped slightly and i seen from the corner of my eye i could see his handkerchief wiping his eyes. I bowed my head a little and smiled.

He stood up and wished me a good day, and said ‘see you tomorrow Irene’ I wondered how old and crazy this man was at this point and doubted what just happened. I stayed on the bench for a little while longer then decided to go. As I got up I reached over the back of the bench for my Jacket, and there in the plaque was inscribed ‘For Irene, who would spend many hours sat here.’ It almost bought a tear to my eye. Love, life and health…… and his Irene……

Two tortured torsos sitting on a bench, thinking in our hollow heads, about the same pains. Part of me wants to sit on the bench tomorrow and hope he visits, another part of me wants to leave flowers on the bench. But since that little occurrence today….. I have felt so peculiar in a philosophical way.

Lonely bones……

My friend and I were doing a shoot a few days ago,  after location scouting the day before. We found some amazing locations. Whilst being sat down talking about life and the universe we both spoke about our feeling of being lost. Primarily around other people, granted me and my friend both suffer from a mental illness, and although it is both comforting that we have both found someone who understands the silent struggles. It also can be uncomfortable when they pose the same questions you ask yourself and never find a answer for. We both met in rather unusual circumstances, we both met when we were in a place for people whom have a relapse or breakdown. I am not a very talkative person and my guard is nearly always up. But as i was being shown around this facitility, there was a young girl wrapped in a blanket that could of swallowed her five times over. She gave me a meak smile, (which i did not return) and put her head back down and walked away. A pang of guilt almost snapped my spine. I am not a rude person i just didnt feel like smiling back or have much to smile about. My usual resting place would of been locked in my room away from every other human. As i dont like them much. They do not interest me. But i asked how many people were staying the night and they mentioned just me and the girl that we had passed. When i asked where she was going they said the communal room. The last place i wanted to go. But i bit the bullet and went down.

We started a conversation and she held my attention, she was smart, very smart, creative and artistic and we talked for six hours, till the sun created shadows like prison bars on the communal wall. We both laughed at the irony. And that was that, she was my friend, we were friends. We spend nights talking, listening, understanding, sympathising and being locked in our own little world of self help therapy. we both agreed we understood more about ourselves and our issues through talking to one another than we had in any counselling and therapy. I spoke about my relationship and my breakdown. Although she was not my rock or light of positivity what she was, was real. When we got out we stayed in touch and she would stay up mine for a few days, and she spent new years eve with me and my partner and daughter. She gets on so well with my daughter. And she has made so much progress since we first met. I am so proud of her.

We both have a passion for photography and blogging and poetry. However we do not interact or ‘follow’ each other on social media or blogging networks as we understand the privacy we both enjoy from blogging without identity. This is a blog attached to my photography therefore i do not get the shield and the unknown identity, which is ok as i control what get puts out. Whereas my other blogs are full of in-depth thoughts and perspectives on mental health, photography, and the world. Issues self harm everything.  I often wonder what i should write on this blog photography, mental health, life, etc. And I have to write a little bit about everything as each thing influences my photography, as this is my creative outlet. I have decided to do a series on DREAMS. I have named it Dreams anthology, I have always been fascinated with dreams, where they come from where they go. How they affect us and how we can go back into some dreams and change the outcome. I was told this is lucid dreaming. Which I am proud to announce i can do!!! I never do normally dream or remember them. I can go a year without dreaming. I think this is due to my medication. But then when i do dream i dream alot and daydream alot too about them. I dont know if i believe in the meanings of dreams, and the explanations, but i love the experience. Good or bad dreams, I love them as they are mine, and only i have seen and experienced them.

I have decided i will not be publishing this blog on my photography page every time i blog. I will for purely photography based stuff but for other intents and purposes i will be blogging without facebook publication.