They are alive……

Its a one oclock blog again. I wonder why I do these blogs. I wonder who reads them, if anyone, and what they think. These are seconds that last for a moment and i am cautious of what i say. Then like the ticking of a clock my fingers sing on a keyboard and everything pours. I don’t like to think too much. As its never good. Not for me anyway. Relationships are funny things, you take two humans. These are from different walks of life, different values and experiences and throw them together. I always view the start of a relationship as a ……. Child playing with clay. When she has moulded her visions she then plays with them in her imaginary world of pretend. I think thats what we do, or I at least. I have a pretend world where i have made my clay man. To keep him there i have to play fair. To keep him strong and not for him to crack and crumble i have to understand the way he was made. But i don’t. I don’t understand me. So I am at a loss before i could ever conceive to win. Then in my pretend world everything is great. We can mould each other and smooth over the cracks. But in actuality it doesn’t get smoothed over. I choose my human and decided to love him and play with him in my pretend world. But i knew reality would make him crumble. I am just convincing myself i am now unloveable. Its not really the greatest ego boost that my ex cheated on me for two years and for the last year he still couldn’t be faithful. He would flirt with girls and send such pictures i would find out and feel sick. He handed me complex after complex and insecurities that made me shake.  Then i met another man, he was broken and not whole. I think i attract them you know.

I always saw a relationship of a somewhat unity. A team. If i was going to war the person i was with i would want on my platoon as i know they have my back. Yet i dated a guy a bullet, thats engraved and i wear it around my neck. It has a message inscribed but it was in the language he knew so a lie. I decided that I would wear it not because i love him, but because it was one of the many bullets in his gun that killed me and made me weak. But At least i knew he would never leave me. Then i met this other guy. No insecurities, no girls perfection could of been a good word. But then i spiralled and i fell and i descended to hell. Now my demobs are happy as they have me back. It was quiet lovely really how they welcomed me back. They stay up all night with me, and if ever i need company they are always there. I married demons so i can never marry a man.

I confided in a friend of what made me spiral. And as a friend does they show concern. It was nice to acknowledge the disease i have investigated and learnt thats eating me. Ooooooooh no this time its not my mind. This time its not my bipolar. I think if it wasn’t for my bipolar i maybe worse. I have the disease that consumes so many and that the word alone instills fear. It actually made me freeze. My blood ran so cold a splinter of ice must of pierced my heart, as i gasped for air. Cancer i dare. The womanly parts of me are being eaten alive. Im twenty nine and i have a unbalanced mind and a disease eating me alive. The insecurities rise and i feel bile thrown at the back of my throat. I could cry but i haven’t yet. Not over the thing that i just learnt. I think i’m numb or still coming to terms with this vile thing harbouring inside my womb. Like a spawn of satan i’m nurturing it and letting it feed on me. I am a beautiful host.  I actually can feel my breath unsteady as i filter through this truth. I admitted this two two people. Two which i trust and love and know would do anything to see me smile. But still i sit here in my ex boyfriends zip through hoodie, it faintly smells of him. Wearing dungarees bought for me as a sorry from the cheating ex, and the things i am wearing which look the best are fresh scars. Another chapter of my fucked up life. There was a time where my life was quiet happy and calm. Oh dear lord i wish for that again so bad. The marrow of my bone ache for it. They also ache for a warm embrace. But i know to be hugged would leave this little fighter with a tear stained face.

When it was revealed what i now have to face the cancer of a woman’s delicate place I was shocked nad scared then last night at 5 am i sat out my back garden. The stars weren’t too bright, but the warmth of the night kept me company. The sounds of cars passing on the road behind me made me smile. I wonder how their life differes from mine. I thought about writing, but couldn’t bare to hold my favourite pen. Then a thought crossed my mind, what if this is a pleasure of my life. I have contemplated suicide and attempted it a few more. What if now, ‘This’ disease is here to save and finish me. In a dignified way of course. As suicide is always a frowned upon course. Maybe i have created the work i was suppose too…. release the poems and art i should. Maybe i have changed a few lives, as i know a few have changed mine. I have done alot of good i know in my life, and been a good person to those i know and those i don’t, and those who haven’t deserved my time, but at least if I am lowered into the earth they will know they got more than they deserved and i can sleep peaceful. I tear slide down my face and the smile spread across my face. I own my thoughts and thats what i love about me, I’m not afraid to challenge those of a narrow or closed mind, not to win a argument but to enlighten their life’s. I have handed my notice into three magazines i write for and two support groups i run, one for young kids with self harm issues and one for support and counselling for parents of children who self harm and who have a mental disorder. My own mother do not even know of these jobs, or where i give my time willingly. My own mother knows nothing of my illness as i don’t see the point, she never made me feel ok or accepted for having a mental disorder. So why would she want to support me now, when she can just ignore and spend time with the ‘normal’ child she has. I am not bitter a part of me was. But i know i have done nothing wrong not to deserve what she has or has not done as the case stands. I am due now to turn down the book offer to have a book published, which i started to write. AS i don’t want to be stressed out right now. Writing books are hard. I have my university papers sat on my desk ready to submit to finish my last year. Even though when i printed them off i knew….. spending some time alone has made me think what do i want to be doing for a year? travelling,……… or photographing a series or two that will will remain should anything happen to me. As it’s not as simple as scrape and remove and then a few appointments to ensure things have been cut away. So maybe i will read, read every book i wanted to read. I will travel, travel to the places i want too. Maybe i will visit a few close friends who have been there from the start of my photography journey before i even knew it was a path i would go on to choose.

 

I will visit one man before the year is out. This time four and a half years ago, a man gave me the greatest tip in the world. (shadows) This man has a piece of my heart today. And i want to hold him in a embrace and thank him. For when i have doubted my work, my direction, the purpose of it all….. My darling Luca is there with his Italian charm. He has lasted longer than relationships and gave me more joy than most of them.  And even though i hate Germany, I will find him there.

 

Tomorrow i go and drive for a hour to a tattoo studio to be tattooed. The artist is amazing and I am dying to having this piece on me as for six years i have been in love with the concept of the piece. And i finally put it together and now i get to have a beautiful memoir of it. Then i will have my favourite poem inscribed on my thigh…. a quote or two more and when i lay on the slab or a cold mortuary cradle… I hope they read my tattoos and admire my artwork…. I will be a beautiful corpse in death as i was in life.

Now to try and sleep as seven hours of sleep in five days is something thats killing me. Stopping on lot of medication to be able to undergo treatment is a wonderful way to test my instability. But hey, it makes good pictures…. so at least my instability and insanity will never leave me….. never thought i would say i was actually grateful for that.

 

 

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I am not sorry……………..

These last few weeks have been another rolla-coaster. I have started uni and college back up, i have had a relationship break down due to infidelity (his not mine, as usual) and I have enjoyed some of the best days of my life in his absence. It is funny how these break ups work, as before i had a ache when we broke up, A void i desperately tried to fill, with coffee, activities, reading and outings, alongside obviously my poetry and my photography. Now, there is no ache. The ache became so strong because i was so weak. He had the power, he made me feel unworthy, and unequal, so i took the power back and stopped loving him. I did, and it worked. I seen him for who he was, and i realised that he never made me happy, or feel safe or secure. He did nothing positive for me, but i loved him anyway. Thats the cruel thing about love, sometimes you have to be hurt to the point of being dead, before you can be resurrected. When you know, hey this isn’t my fault, your whole world changes, your self worth changes and you perspective changes.

See it is them we always think have to change, they have to stop cheating, they have to stop lying, they have to stop being so selfish. This is absurd because it isnt them that has to change it is you, you have to change. Its you that has to not want to be treated like this anymore and stop allowing them to treat you like this, only them will your life, your heart and soul heal.

This image is a very simple image, and thats what i wanted it to be, because of the simplicity of life, and freedom, and what living is. You can have a simple life if you choose or you can complicate your life. I chose to finally give myself some much needed simplicity and it is the most valuable and beautiful thing i have done for myself. This shoot was the best day of my year, i spent it with my friend and daughter. We swan we laughed we shot, and we ate, and we relaxed. I was free of anxiety, of stress, my mind for once was completely focused on the day i was in the day mentally and emotionally as well as physically. I wasn’t thinking, ‘what is he doing’ i wasn’t looking at my phone, i was fearing what he was up to or who he was speaking to. I was just living for me, and it felt amazing. I know how hard a break up can be i know how hard it is some days to even get out of bed, or even make it through a hour without crying. I understand the sense of loss and the sense of loneliness i do. I have been through it all, never thinking you will ever smile or feel normal again, or even happy. But it happens, i promise, i really do, the moment you start concentrating on you.

Then the inevitable comes, the message from him, the apology, the realisation of what he has done. But I am not sorry, I am not sorry he done what he done, he done me a favour, he killed the last bit of me. And i thank him for that because from my death i was reborn.  And sorry means nothing when its done again and again, he was only sorry he got caught again. I am sorry i stayed too long I am sorry i made so many excuses for him, I am sorry i wasn’t better to myself, and loved myself more to walk away sooner. Don’t relieve my mistakes, know your self worth and never let anyone devalue you…….

Would you believe me……….

213ecdb FABIAN PEREZ perez_46409_2

This Artist consistently blows me away with his ability to convey emotions and atmosphere and give his subjects the ability to command your attention and stand in awe at their presences. Luckily enough for me, i Own a original ink of Fabians, and its the one i have posted here. The only image available of it is the one i have allowed ART BROKERAGE to put up. This image sits in my room, and everytime i gaze at it im inspired, heartbroken and completely spell bound. Also I meet Fabian Perez and what a beautiful man he is, and very handsome too.

127280,xcitefun-oil-paintings-by-bob-hefferan-12 ROB HEFFERAN .product9075_main

Would you believe it of i told you these were paintings? I could not believe my eyes when i saw these myself. This man is superhuman, the detail the lighting the textures the colours are that of perfection? How the hell can that happen, and how the hell can their not be more publicity and awe of this man.  The Art of this world is dead thats why, ARt and Poetry are long gone appreciated traditions. Which is so sad, everyone wants a pretty flower canvas to match their decor …… I would by a piece of this image and i would match my decor around this beauty. But hey thats just me.

Thought i would share these painters and pay homage to the most equally talented men, for opposing reasons. Fabian Captures the moment with his oils and ink paintings. He brings you into their world. Whereas Rob makes you question the world, He makes you stand their and admire the beauty of these works, the skill, the light, the everything.  My TWO favourite modern day artists.

New eyes old soul

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So, today is a day whereby i finalise a few images for a competition i have entered. And I am proud of these images as they capture that ‘something’ that every photographer wants to be able to capture. I think its the soul, or the personality of the person. They way they express themselves through their eyes, by accident or to command the audiences presence. And any good photographer when they look at the in-camera previews straight away do a little geek dance. Knowing that have ‘THAT’ shot. I am lucky in alot of ways with my photography, as i have mastered editing, I have the artistic eyes nailed, and the technical aspect well sometimes that goes to hell, and what then gets produced it complete art. Every rule ever wrote was meant to be challenged in order for the evolution of new rules, new terms, new ideas, function, knowledge and a higher standard of personal and professional deliverance. I am not a massive fan of the bokeh light types of photography, but i have chosen to do a series on this. Why? I ask myself that every time i contemplate doing it. Because with the most beautiful painters ….. of still life. ( the endless fruit bowls) Yes those fruit bowls that have been painted sketched and impressed upon constantly from before the renaissance to present day. The object of those still life pictures were to take every day objects and the concept that people had delivered before them and to make it more interesting and ‘their own’ for someone to one day paint or photograph the most amazingly ‘new’ concept of this fruit bowl. That was like nothing no one had ever seen before. I actually think even to this day some are still trying. (poor bastards needs to give it up) But its what is important to you as a creative individual. To challenge yourself, so you grow and evolve and like Cezanne use a innovative new impressionism of what you see. So when i have completely decided on my series and their categories i will list them and state why i have chosen these categories.

A little glimpse into my world; into me. I am having a watercolour tattoo ( something i have wanted for so long) on the back of my arm, and the watercolour image is not going to display anything in particular its going to just be colours that are merging and melting into one another and dripping down the back of my arm. This is massively because I can watercolour and its always been therapeutic for me. The other reason is I want it, and why should i be afraid of having it done or peoples reactions to it…im talking professionally at the moment. The career i am heading for is not exactly thrilled for tattoos to be on show. But considering I will be promoting what i will have my body covered in, then i suppose i have a good argument. Also as im booked in for a whole day sitting in a tattooist I’am finishing the  foot tattoo theme up So they are officially done. Feet tattoos are the worst most painful tattoos in the universe. Oh yes and ribs too. they do sting a fucking lot. But what i am most excited for is mine and my partners new matching tattoos, we are having each others finger prints on our hands where our thumbs sit when we hold hands. Also because of all we have been through we are paying homeage to that, by having horse shoe tattoos to mark how much we have come along. This was his idea as hes totally in love with the film True romance, and that was their wedding ring. So him being the romantic he is wants them, as i refuse to wear a horse shoe ring he bought me. Because I do not want to cover the tattoo i have on my wedding finger. So i wear the ring around my neck one a chain. Tattoos are so meaningful to me, and my partner and he is covered in them, from his exes face on his leg, in some dotwork, to a death moth and some lyrics in homage of another ex. And a red string of fate from our first weekend together, and because i speak spanish and i introduced him to a beautiful and my favourite film ever or one of, vanilla sky. He has has the side of his face tattooed with the spanish ‘ open your eyes’ which is a beautiful theme throughout the film.  And luckily for me i have a true talent when it comes to poetry so he has dedicated some space on his body ( theres barely any room left) to haveing his favourite lines and extracts from my poetry. Which i thought was so beautiful and sweet.  I think i will do a series on personal art. Yes i will. Art and its subjective meaning to the person.

anyway I have lots to do now, and i have spent too much time on here ……….. so bye. x

V ………for Vendetta…

V..... for Vendetta

So the photography world, full of inspiring one of a kind images, and bad replica’s. The world of photography has its humble photographers and its fame hungry egotistical ones. Such is life. When a following of a specific ‘photographer’ is over shadowed by other ‘pursuits’ in which they have gained recognition. And still endorse these within their photography to enhance their reputation over their skills it is some what disappointing to those of us whom have started from scratch and have gained a genuine following through nothing else but our work and vision within the artistry of the photography sphere. Therefore no matter what way in which someone gains recognition their platform was always that of other means. It is normally these photographers that slate, and criticise and judge other peoples work the most. Which is something i find amazing considering they have a disillusioned version of their ‘starting point’ and their ‘work’ alongside their absolutely meaningless conceited opinions.

On the other hand it also provides other photographers with the opportunity to put their work out their to show them how it is done ‘properly’.

on a unrelated note of my observations of tragic behaviour and opinions, today is the 21st of June which means by tomorrow Wales will be a more beautiful place. This is something that has made me smile like crazy for the last couple of days. A celebration has been put in place to mark this event. And my summer will be perfect ……… lots of shoots, a few weekends away and obviously a lovely holiday with my favourite people in the world. Also i have received four requests and deposits for my new business which has proved to be more sort after than i anticipated. But it is doing something i adore  therefore my life is complete.

When I go…..

I have bought a new camera the next model up from mine, which is a very amazing model anyway. However I am being swayed from Nikon ever so slightly. I believe you are either team Nikon or Canon. I never liked Canon, but i think that was heavily influenced by my ex partner who was a avid Nikon user, owning the D800e he liked to have the best of the best. Dont we all. However i have since found that now he uses a Canon after swapping to Sony in-between. I often wonder if the influence peoples opinions and views we absorb create a bit of our personality and contribute towards our path in life and choices we make.

Art, the definition ….

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So the interpretation of Art, a highly debatable subject. The fact that each individual has not only their own opinion and experiences in which they carry with them formulating their opinion, is both invited and unwelcomed.  If is only reason that a persons perception upon a image, a sculpture a slogan is derived from their knowledge, experience and their understanding. Thus informing their view on whatever matter it is.  I am anything but a ‘mainstream’ photographer. I appreciate all forms of art, from poetry to prose, to stories, to sculptures, paintings etc. Some I may not necessarily want to hang on my wall, or have a screen saver on my computer, but I think it is beautiful the diversity in which people attach a emotion to a piece of Art. As for them the said piece of art then resonates with something that they have experienced, good or bad. I do not take pictures of flowers, or half naked girls, I do not have any interest in fashion photography. These are however what alot of people want to see, so then you as a photographer or artist then have to cater to the majority, to please their taste, satisfy their ideas of beauty within the world. This is something I not only refuse to do, but find no joy in for myself. I focus on the Dark Art genre, the conceptual images, that near enough always convey a metaphor. I suppose that is the writer and port within me, surfacing from the murky lake of creativity. I find it very disheartening as would any person not to mention artist, when people completely mis-convey what my images are put out there for. I recently had a publication in ‘Dark Beauty Magazine’. I was both pleased but also annoyed, as this magazine formally use to publish some really weird and conceptual art. However of late the Art seems to have taken a back seat and the mainstream genre of pretty women and bland images have flooded the feed. Which is why i was surprised when they chose the image i was asked to do in homage of someones experience. This is the attached image. People seem to think it glamourises heroin, and drugs. Which as the photographer clearly I am defensive about. So tell me how a image with a beautiful women ( whom has been photoshopped) who is slim ( also normally altered) can be splashed all over the place, and this not bee seen as promoting ‘skinny’ ‘beautiful’ and that if you match this you are glamourised and accepted. When my image which is a subject close to my heart and that of my models can be seen as glamourising anything but drugs. There is no drug in the picture just the gritty idea. I appreciate people have died because of this drug, so hate the drug not the image. People have also died from bulimia and anorexia and legal highs, so tell me does a skinny girl on a magazine promote and glamourise the illness. If this image was on a billboard to deter someone from using drugs, showing them the struggle the seedy reality, would this be conveyed and interpreted different? Do i have to put “DRUGS ARE BAD” in a caption to spoon feed people that this is wrong or can you see it is wrong and appreciate that this is REALITY. It is not a sexy photo, sexualising or objectifying anything. It is neither a drug dealer on a corner pushing or selling these drugs. It is not a google search in which you can learn how to take drugs and see more graphic images and where to buy legal highs. This is a image that has impact in the frame. It has emotion, as even if you cannot relate you can see the grim reality. I refuse to take pictures of flowers and wildlife. I refuse because we see that daily, flowers and lovely things, but what about the things that really happen in the world, that people are dealing with, that comes with the stigma of shame. From the depths of mental illness, to drug abuse, to eating disorders, self harm, self medicating. I think that the use of weed is pointless and just as bad as heroin, but people claim that it isnt deadly, and try to justify it. What is the difference in justifying weed and heroin, one can kill you instantly ….. one kills you over a longer period of time. Just as heroin destroys your soul, weed destroys your brain. I am not here to preach but when someone uses a drug like weed for fun, but then slates someone for using heroin, that is hypocrisy in its most potent form. Unless there is a medical reason, why would you take a drug.

Art; the division of intelligence and ignorance.

I refuse to conform to the restraints of what makes the majority happy…..I want to wake up the majority.