To roam…. 

Experience is the foundations to which we build our perceptions. Our perceptions of people, countries and cultures and of ourselves. There is nothing more terrifying than taking the first step to understand yourself and your surroundings. For some people they can never break the restraints of fear. The fear they or others have bound them with. To travel even to another city within your country could be too terrifying. Especially if this is out of your comfort zone. I was late in starting my traveling and roaming the earth. My first step was driving on a motorway up to England. It terrified me, and my anxiety was extreme. But after I got to England, it became a regular journey. My first plane ride with my daughter and fiancé terrified me. But since I have traveled on planes alone, just with my daughter and with my friends and partners. Now it is as normal to me as it is to go to the corner shop. I first drove on the other side of the road in another country this year. It built my confidence. So then on my next adventure I hired a car that had the steering wheel on the opposite side, of what I am use too, and drove on the opposite side of the road than what I am use to. I drove in one of the craziest places with driving and manoeuvring, I have ever encountered, the south coast of almafi. The roads barely let two cars drive through, the roads are winding and built onto the side of the steepest mountains. There’s no sense of safety, the Italians are crazy brave drivers. The moped users are even crazier. I stepped out of my comfort zone again today and used public transport the local bus service. I have used trains and metros and cabs and trams before but never buses. 
So here is the plight, travel, get lost its the most beautiful experience. The other side of fear is accomplishment, confidence and a deeper perspective and understanding of yourself. I have learnt so much more about myself through traveling. I have also been blessed to be able to allow my daughter the experience of traveling to different countries and meeting various people and cultures. Now my daughter has seen me drive a motorcycle abroad, use public transport drive a car and be completely confident in my exploration of different parts of a country. To her this will be normal, even whilst doing these things I was terrified, BUT I never let her see that, because fear is contagious and I would never want to breed fear into my daughter. So now she would be able to confidently navigate through a airport, fly on a plane, and explore her destination as if it was her own country. My daughter I have enabled to have a deeper sense in self, she has learnt languages she never would of otherwise, met beautiful people, and seen how other people live, through this she has seen and experienced more than just a hotel complex catered to bristish tourists. For that I am proud, as she has submerged herself into the experience as much as I have and been rewarded with confidence and insight, and a sense that travel is normal. Something I never had growing up. I took my first holiday on a plane at the age of 24. And in the years that followed my sense of identity and awe of the world has grown bountiful.

We are given so many opportunities in life to grow, like a flower would never deny itself of water or sun, why should we deny ourselves the opportunities to grow and experience our world. The flower does not refuse water incase it may drown, or sun, incase it may get burnt, it just grows and accepts the water when it is given the sun when it is present and it dances in the breeze, full of bloom and life. Be a flower, only be a flower that allows itself to roam, roam the earth you have been given, take the opportunities that come your way, and always try to get on the other side of fear as then, and only then can you truly say “I know who I am, and what I am capable of”

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Something more … 

What occurs when you leave pieces of yourself in someone else … and they leave? 

It is a common thing to want to retrieve the pieces of you, that you once gave in good faith of it being treasured and protected. Cherished by the person whom you gave them too. But sometimes they leave and deny you them pieces, they take them and leave you unwholesome. Somewhat broken, incomplete. You have to accept the apology you never got and the truths that you were denied. It is a terrible fate to be incomplete and full of unanswered questions…. a wound that refuses to heal, despite the best nursing. 
For the thousands of years of the human race we still cannot love. We only choose who we want to love dependant on how they make us feel. In Greece some months ago on a visit I was in a place of limbo. My feet were in Greece, my heart given to a man in Norway, and my mind flitting from paranoia and hurt, to hope and resurrection. The culture of Greece was beautiful the people kind and welcoming.  One person in particular conjured something deep within me. Not for the way they washed me in compliments, as he didn’t, not for the way they desired me, which they never did show. Instead they watched me, from a far, from a safe distance. They watched the way people interacted with me, the way people were drawn to me, because I was just me, no mask, no pretence… just living in the moment. Yet this person was polite whenever they found themselves in mine and my daughters company. They become a friend, they saw me cry one day, as I wrote a blog. They stared concerned but darent not approach … and over coffee aromas and the Greek sun, we talked, we talked of love, of hurt, of life, and of all the different cultures and people.

They changed my perspective of specific things, things I never thought I could compromise upon. And we laughed, he laughed so well, so hard, we smiled, coy smiles. And we felt more than just the Greek sun when we were in each other’s company. My heart maybe wasn’t in Norway, maybe it was just burried. Maybe I burried it, to hide it, protect it.  

He didn’t believe in a soul, and yet I saw his… and it was kind, and patience, it was intrigued and it was respectful. Upon my last day I spent it with him, we spent it skimming pebbles in the sea, having coffee and never telling each other how much we actually were drawn to one another. He said to me he didn’t want to say goodbye to me when I left. I understood, as goodbyes tear me apart too. He left for work at half past six and he came to say goodbye, he kept his distance, but I could not. I threw my arms around him and burried my head in his neck, I absorbed his smell. It was divine, I let the evening sun burn my shoulders as I felt my body pressed against his. His embrace was not firm or tight he didn’t want to embrace me. And I knew it was because if he did embrace me, he would have to let me go. I held back the choking of my tears. And let him go, I  pushed him away and turned away from him. I didn’t see him leave…. but I felt it. 
I lay on the lounger and saw everyone’s eyes upon me. The girl who showed no interest in none of the handsome men who wanted to lavish her with attention and affection… who sort all week for hers. And to all of them I she denied it, including the person whom I now wished would come back and embrace me. Tight. 

Half hour passed by and my mind was torturing me…. my heart began to beat. I could feel it, but I dare not give it any attention. 

He returned to the pool area, a mirage I thought, until I seen the blood on his shirt, his brow tight with anger. The blood droplets marbling his pale blue work shirt. He stared at me as he passed and said nothing, my concern and panic fixated on him behind my sunglasses. In secret, and in love. When he stood alone in the toilets, I approached and stood in the doorway, I asked him of his safety? And he told me of a accident he had with his bike. A panic and concern rose in me, but a lustful desire to taste him overpowered me. I walked towards him my feet bare and his eyes gave in to me…I stood  infront of him and leant in… he grabbed me and thrust me up against the counter top… his hand grabbing at my thigh, raising my summerdress. I throbbed, I throbbed for him to kiss me harder and hurt me with passion and love.

 He did, my back cracked up against the steel tap, and I enjoyed the pain and the lust. His hand on my thigh, his body pressed up against mine, nothing else existed apart from his lips on mine, and his desire, my desire. My spine was electrified, something I had not felt for years…. a kiss can ignite so much in someone. I kissed him and he kissed me back and I tasted my future. 

The way he nursed the second syllable of my name like a dying lover as his heavy accent told me how he hated this kiss, was a goodbye kiss. In that drunken moment in despair and love, I promised to see him again. He left ten minutes late and my heart beat, not burried but firmly in my chest. The travel home was welcomed, but it was frought with tears and longing. 

As a summer love affair dies, and ours never really started…we both thought the feelings would fade, the thoughts of one another would evaporate. And the missing and longing would be replaced. They haven’t …. they won’t. It is the first time in many many months I realise I had left pieces of me in my ex lover in Norway… but I had some pieces of my heart left, and I gave one away in Greece. I had unanswered questions and so many lies left from my ex lover in Norway…. but the guy from the Greek island of kos, answered them for me. I am enough, I am worthy of being faithful too…. 

maybe sometimes we focus on all the pieces that are missing from us, that we forget to see all the beautiful pieces we still have left. And that we have to be more careful who we give them too. 

Fate brought me as a last minute to the island of kos. Fate brought me a friend someone to cross my path and show me something about the world and myself. And the universe brought him back to me so I could taste my future …. 

I dated a psychopath…. 

Some people come into our lives and leave such a profound effect, in a positive or negative way. Unfortunately I dated a psychopath, literally, I have discovered he had all the traits of a clinically diagnosed pyschopath. It started four years ago, and after nine months I found out he had been messaging other girls. I forgave him, and then two months later I found out he had been leading a double life with his ex. Mine during weekdays and she would go down his on the weekends that I was working. Our relationship spiralled and a triangle of damaged ensued. I do not blame his ex even though she could of been more respectable in the situation and spoken with me. Instead a year long head fuck ensued. He would lie to her, lie to me. Tell me she was a psychopath and was trying to ruin our relationship. He also said the same to her about me. Every time I would end it within days he would set up a fake profile and contact me via social media. Every time I blocked his number he would use a pay phone, every new number I got, he would get hold of it. In a year I went through 17 different numbers. And broke up with him countless times over his pathological lying. But he could charm the knickers off a nun. He has always been a sleazy fucker. I found so many explicit messages on his phone to random girls. Each time he would give me a sob story make out it was my fault as I was not giving him the attention or affection he craved, I felt bad. So I would try to do more, I always seemed to have to keep his attention and compete with other girls. I didn’t trust him and I would be paranoid. He showed such little remorse and empathy for the mental frame of mind he had put me in. 

This wasn’t the problem so much as I saw such a sweet and thoughtful side to him. He was egotistical and would say ‘I can make any girl fall in love with me’ I thought this was a disgusting way to behave, and I told him so. After two and a half years I decided to break away as he would not stop messaging, flirting and hooking up with other girls. He had no self control and no self respect. And I lost all respect for him. How could I be proud of the man I was with when he didn’t respect me or other women or himself. I started seeing someone else after three months. And he was so annoyed and depressed about this. As a naturally caring person I told him that he had caused this and had no one to blame but himself. But like any pyschopath he never accepts the true stem of the blame. 

He seemed so genuinely heartbroken and so genuinely gutted. And I felt bad. I knew he had such a good sweet side, now I see how fake that was and how powerful he was at manipulating. He manipulated everyone from people who he met to people he wanted something from, attention or to do a tattoo on. He would flirt with them lead them on and then when he got what he wanted he would blank them. The thing with a psychopath is they have a almost natural ability to intrigue you and hold your attention, make you feel special. He would, he could do that so easily. And I took the way he could be so sweet and so lovely as the pure side of him. He needed me, he didn’t love me. Someone who loves you does not treat you in such ways. I would never be able to accept his truth. Because it’s was not the truth, it was a version he would want me to believe or maybe he actually believed. I caught him out with so many girls. He would tell me nothing had happened and I have found out how he had slept with so many girls. Though ironically when I started a relationship with someone else he actually mad me feel so bad when I ended it with that person and got back with him. He would say how horrid I had made him feel, how much damage I had done, yet all the while massively underestimating the damage he had done. But here’s the funny thing, you can not argue and ever be right with a psychopath as they live in a different reality to you. They don’t empathise, they don’t see anything from anyone else’s opinion or experience only their own. 

He had a bad childhood, so I would put his anger down to insecurities from childhood. They weren’t insecurities they were just his unresolved issues and his true nature. He had no patiences for anyone who would disagree with him. He had no time for anyone who would not benefit him in anyway. But he liked me, as I was very empathic I was very challenging and intelligent and would catch him out. To him I was a challenge it was as game, and he always thought he was above everyone else, he would call any other guy a ‘mug’ or a ‘groupie’ and say how pathetic they were …. this was because they challenged everything about him, they were good people. And should I dare to see that, I would see even more of his flaws. He had no friends, and didn’t bother with his family. 

He had no male friends as they would of seen straight through him. Female friends he could not have either as he did not know how to be friends with a female without using them to his sick advantage for attention and sexual gratification. And they were so easily manipulated they didn’t pose much of a challenge, like a lion playing with a mouse. 

When I confronted him ever about any of his sexual encounters I would be met with nastiness and lies and blame on me. If we argued within hours he would be messaging another girl with dick pics and flirting. When he got fed up with that girl he would always come back… and I was the idiot that took him back, believing this time he had learnt his lesson. He never did and never will. Because he travels for work he has freedom and no self control. Not a good mix for anyone. Every time I thought he was being faithful or being real, he was just biding time, he didn’t change as a person no matter how good I was or patience or understanding. He just changed tatic the game was still being played. Some people would think ‘oh he’s a fuckboy’. No he is a pyschopath. 
I could only get the truth by actually messaging other girls and asking them. And unfortunately although they had no loyalties to me I got more of the truth than I ever did off him. Which is fine. It shows what type of person he is. Unfortunately sometimes he would tell the girls I was a ex or I was a stalker obsessed with him. 🤣  and sometimes they would believe him, like I said he has charm and is a skilled manipulator. Then I would have the girls eventually when he disposed of them as they served him no purpose no more, message me and say that they actually lied to me, because he asked them too and because he said these things about me. He would call me a psycho for messaging these girls, and be smug when they lied for him. WHO DOES THAT. Then he would make me feel bad for not believing or trusting him. Yet when I found out then that they had lied and he had lied and confronted him with the truth and evidence he would rage. 

Now, I am not a stupid person, despite this actually sounding as if I am. But when you love and care for someone you do not want to see their evilness. Not when they are so skilled at showing you such a beautiful person too. I fell in love with a pyschopath. And he damaged me more than anyone else I have ever and could ever meet. It’s easy for a pyschopath to move onto to new victims and you’ll find they never have a friendship or relationship with anyone including family  that has been sustained over a long period of time. Why? Because they cannot sustain a pure relationship of any kind. They only see people for gain, like a hunger that they need satisfying. When the hunger has been satisfied they know the hunger will strike again so they always have someone else lined up. Life and love to them is a series of gains, and they do not take kindly to being challenged or defeated.  They will work extremely hard in their profession or passion to be the BEST they can be, because they can’t stand to not be admired or looked highly upon. They are powerful people and they need to feel it, otherwise they actually become more self destructing. They will do anything to be seen as the best and will always get what they want, by any means necessary. 

There was a time when we would break up and I would pine for him as he was somewhat my best friend. After finding out so much now, there is no longing. There is nothing. It’s taken 4 years to break free …and see him for what he truly is. And for me to finally say, wow I am not the problem here, he is. Nothing was ever enough for him. No one will ever be enough for him. He will constantly want more, he will never be a committed person to anyone, as he can’t even commit to himself. 

The scars of our past and how we treat people will stay with us for a lifetime and karma will give you back more than you put out. His meaningless sex with random girls, his random sexual gratification, it is all a empty gain. At the end of it he will be such a damaged person his soul will emit this and his vibe will drive away anything good from his life. He will end up diseased, and lonely, even if he is in a relationship with someone he will still be lonely and unhappy. He will keep messaging other girls and self destructing. He is his own worst enemy as he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour or actions. But that is ok longer my problem. And I no longer want to save or help him, which is something that kept me with him far too long. 

His new girl knows nothing of him, and his ability to act so cold and so mean to her has yet been proved…. I feel sad for her … for while she is being loyal she has no idea of his patterned behaviour. See the thing is if it happens more than twice there is a pattern …. and a pattern is not easily broken as it is engrained in your mind frame. And if he justifys his actions and behaviour to himself then he is right. And he never shows remorse….. why? Because he has justified it already to himself. 

I am healing myself an not sleeping around, I do not want or need attention to feel attractive or validated. I do not need to rely on the opposite sex to like me or boost my ego. I respect myself more than that. I respect myself enough to work out the issues I have now with trust and men. I will heal myself and my mind frame. I will enjoy myself by being myself and being the pure and caring person I am. I need not impress no one else, but myself. Because I am essentially my own best friend. I am working on my self esteem and confidence as a pyschopath definitely strips that away from you. I am happy to live my life alone, until I meet someone who is essentially as spirituality intuned with themselves as I will be. 

And my pyschopath ex? He will go from girl to girl, country to country, seeking and searching for something that will satisfy him. Unfortunately he will have failed relationships upon failed relationships and they will all be because of his pyschopathic personality and inability to identify an feel anything pure. He will essentially create a hell for himself inside himself that he will never be able to flee from… no girl or place or country will be able to take that feeling of desperate lonlieness away. One day I hope to hear he has sought professional help. Because all he will leave behind is a lot of damaged people, because of how damaged he is and damaging he can be. 

I know now I have a very bright and healthy future. As I can fix myself as I know what is wrong, what damage has been done as I am brave enough to acknowledge my flaws, the ones I have naturally and the ones that have been inflicted on me. And I choose not to inflict my issues or insecurities on anyone else at this stage in my life. As no one else deserves it. And when I do decided to date at least I will have a more promising future of a relationship than he will have. I will have resolved issues and be able to be myself, not a manipulated  version of myself to suit someone else’s gain. I won’t have crippling anxiety either …. 

People come and go in our life… and sometimes letting go of someone is less damaging than holding on. Some people do not change, will not change, and don’t know how to change. In order to break a cycle you have to first see it, and then want to break it. Emotional and mental abuse is more damaging than physical abuse as it’s leaves no visible scars, just insecurities and trauma. I have never had to have therapy after a relationship, but with a pyschopath, you need therapy. 

I always thought me and him had something special. The revelations that I have found out have finally helped me to realise how damaged and disgusting he is as a person. I am repulsed that I had ever loved him, and stayed so long. But I did because I didn’t want to believe I fell in love with a actual monster. And real monsters don’t hide in shadows or under your bed, they are in human form and they destroy your head. I was not a angel, but I was faithful and true, I  was paranoid because of what he had caused, and I was never the best person I could of been when I was with him as he encouraged a needy and panicked side of me that obsured the person I truly am. I lost myself loving someone else. I lost my faith, trust, confidence and my light, I lost everything good about me, because I tried to offer it to him and he destroyed it. But it is so natural for me to me a loving, and caring person, who is not malicious or devious. So I know I will embrace that fully and build on it completely. As that is the real me, the one who cares too much and never gives up. 

If I had to give him one last sentence … it would be ‘I hope they have mercy on your soul’ – I do not believe in god, but whoever handles the souls, they need to have mercy on his. As I am not the first person who has loved him and he has destroyed and I doubt I will be the last. 

Enlightement

If you surround yourself with cold dirt, then cold dirt is what will feel familiar … cold, dirt. If you surround yourself with warm and sand, then that two shall feel familiar. What we surround ourselves with becomes the perspective in which we perceive the world.
This is the same for whom we surround ourselves with, for if we surround ourselves with like minded people, life will be easy, and it will narrow, if we surround ourselves with people whom do not think like us, whom do not perceive the world as we do, we are enlighten. Enlightened to another culture, way of thinking, insight to the world, the revelations, diversity is the world from the ferns to the sky. They have nothing in common but the sky shall inspire the fern with its height, the fern shall inspire the sky with its cycle of colours throughout the season. Their is inspiration and englightment in everything, if you want to see it. The english langauge has the equivelent of 171,476 words. When talking to another person if you cannot use any of the 171,476 words to be kind, then maybe you should look to yourself for enlightement. A human being should be respectful to another human being. We have the same anatomical heart ….. our blood is the same colour. Our eyes as beautiful in all shades… our minds as beautiful as they are complex and unique. The thing that i love most about humans are their ability to change, to become better, more determined, to solve problems, to be kinder. We all have a soul and our soul deep down all wants us to be kind, to be loved, and to give love, and empathy and compassion. All you have to do is be enlighted to the feel and voice of your soul. Your soul is the person who wills you to do good. That if you do bad, was the deep ache and voice inside telling you not too, the voice and feeling you ignored, maybe because of your physical feelings and emotions. Emotions are physical, they can affect your soul, but they do not control your soul, only your reactions.

So … if i react poorly out of anger, it is my choice to react, this can be through being hurt, through guilt, frustration, but it will never be my soul, that will make me act with anger. If i should become upset and cry, I could cry out of frustration or physical pain, or loss, however because i have empathy this is directly linked to my soul, and i can become overwhelmed with empathy for someone and cry. This empathy can be linked to the soul as the soul is another thing all human being have, it is the coat hanger to the flesh we carry round with us everyday. The soul is energy, and sometimes we feel the energy of people before we see or know their intentions. If you feel uneasy with someone, its their energy, its their soul, it does not mean they are a bad person, as i said no soul is bad. But some people soul’s can be damaged, lost and somewhat stranded through the physical world we live in. If i was to be told every day i was worthless and i was beaten with insults and names, i could become angry at the world and other people for the way i was treated and my energy would be negative and my presences be felt as that way. I think some people are sent into our lives to help heal us, or our souls, to guide them a bit, love them a bit, and nourish them a bit. These people are the secret angels that empathise too much, love too much, care without restrictions, and only ever want the best healing for the damaged souls. But sometimes the damaged souls, lash and hurt ours in the journey of us trying to heal them. Unfortunately they sometimes never realise this, or the things we have done, the love we have purely spent, and that our scars as empaths are so much deeper than those of unaware beings.

Some times the damaged souls we are set on a path to heal will discard us when we are no longer required, and that is ok, that is their choice. Othertimes you wish that you could help them more, as their narrow minded earth brain is still not awakened and neither is their potiential. But sometimes you have to hold them out and let them go…. and hope they survive and do well with all you have given, and taught them.

Enough?

The most compelling argument I encounter with myself is wrapped around ‘enough’ Such questions as “Am I enough” or “Did do enough” and “when is enough, really enough”. These are arguments we all have with ourselves only sometimes we pose them in different ways. Positive negatives usually, “Did I do too much” or “Did I overdo it”. Either way, the questioning of ourselves never stops, it may recede but it will never prevail. Therefore should one obsessed over these such questions… inevitably we all do as we are slaves to the ‘precautions’ or ‘consequences’ that comes with interacting, performing and essentially every action we extend beyond ourself. The feeling of self-worth drives these questions into a long division of possible and certain answers, but with only one definite outcome; lack of self-belief and confidence.

I am blessed to have such a solid group of people admire and relate to my photography, I am privileged to call some people across the other side of the ocean a friend. I also am fortunate enough to have anyone who knows me, adore me and my outlook. I have used a medium on which to project my vision, my perspective and my feelings. This leaves me extremely vulnerable, it also empowers me too. There is a balance to everything. Too much sweet can rot your teeth, to much brushing can damage your gums. There is the balance, and it is in the process of learning and understanding a balance that we can not question what is enough or what is not enough. Balance is the most fundamental law of gravity, therefore the sky never has to question the coverage and the sea never have to question its depth. They both stay, equally where they are and exist in a balance.

If you have bipolar you very rarely find a balance. This is now my ultimate goal, to try, and find a balance. I haven’t posted or created many photos, but I have researched and bought props and I have been inspiring and filled a notepad with ideas for shoots and projects. Therefore my balance of not actually shooting has created a different form of balance in the theory not the practical. So for 2017 my aim is to find balance in many forms.

Sparking a Journey

It’s the initial spark, of creativity, of enthusiasm or drive, once that spark is ignited it can rage. Bipolar can be described as having a million tabs on a computer open, I agree, but imagine if all those tabs lets just say ten, for now, those ten tabs are playing different songs all at one time. Then add another ten tabs, and these tabs are playing ten different movies, then another ten that are playing tutorials. Then imagine taking ten different phone calls at the same time and talking and responding to ten different people, all while these other tabs blaze at you. Hard to imagine anything more than ten songs playing at the same time? hard to comprehend? yeah, i have heard people say that. But imagine, if you can, all these open tabs and the phone calls and imagine that you are in a shop shopping, or out with friends drinking, and this is all playing. Uncomprehensible? Yeah, it’s also hell to deal with. That’s minus the added side effect of anxiety, which makes you feel like you are drowning, your breathing becomes shallow, your emotions whirlwind and rip through you like a tornado, and your heart beats so fast, that it makes you feel sick, actually sick. This is bipolar, this is also minus the paranoia of people talking about you, conspiring against you. This is exhausting for a person to deal with, reason people with bipolar end up in a manic state is to try to occupy as much of their focus they can muster into one thing, to keep active, to not be able to think, or rather listen to their thinking. The reason the lows happen is because exhaustion has taken over, the bipolar has one, and the blanket of petrol is suffocating your body, and you are just waiting again for the match to drop the blanket to ignite, just so you can feel something, other than this demonic despair. So a flash of heat can maybe trigger a manic state, so you feel euphoric and alive.

 

I am struggling massively lately with this spark, I have given up uni and i thought straight away I would be able to throw myself into the fire of creativity. It’s not happening. I spoke to my therapist and she said that with any prolonged pressure or injury, there needs to be a recovery time. So this is my recovery time, I thought I would throw myself into reading and writing and editing and photography, and my business, but I can’t. Not yet. It feels like any minor activity is a triumph, even going to the post office or out of the house. But as long as I am doing ‘something’ i am told that it is helping my recovery. So I research photographers, I look at art I am inspired, I have compiled a book of drawings which i will turn into photographs, and blog posts to accompany them. I am spending a lot of time with my Dad, as it feels safe to be around him, and my uncle. I am focusing on the day, and not the tomorrow, and I am enjoying nice hot long baths. But motivation at the moment is absent, and so is the confidence to do anything. Another perk of bipolar or manic depression. I have contemplated reducing my pill’s, and tempting a manic episode so I can kick start the motivation. Though I haven’t as I don’t want to burn out, I want to be steady, or as steady as I can be.

 

This image is to represent that although you can have many great ideas, many great aspirations and goals, sometimes the timing of achieving them is not as important as the journey in which you will achieve them.

The idea 

Like all great accomplishments they start with a idea, a concept, a seed, from which is planted, nourished and explored. When a idea is nurtured it becomes a conceivable and realistic creation. The idea can only be a thought if one has the ability to see beyond the now. No idea has ever been conceived in the future, it’s impossible. But the thought of a idea that can materialise into something in the near or distant future is one in which we should all be working towards.

I can preach this to you, but I cannot convince you, only you can convince yourself of the possibilities you can achieve. Should you want. I have decided to start a project, this project is one which I wished to start after I had finished university. But due to the amount of stress and management of my bipolar the strain of uni became to much. It consumed me to the point whereby it made everything good in my life a chore and miserable. It made me someone I did not want to be. My enthusiasm and my creativity and lust for life disappeared. My bipolar moods and anxiety intensified. And no medication helped. So I made a decision, that I would take a break from my last year and come back to it at a later date. As when I am happy and enthusiastic then everything around me and everything I do is done with love. And like a plant that’s been planted, if it is loved and nurtured it will bloom so beautiful and strong. But if it is neglected and not given ones full attention then It will weep and perish a lot quicker. It will be weak and pale. So I decided that I was to nurture myself in order to bloom. And this is ok to do, to remind yourself of why you love life.

I have decided to dedicate a year of my life to pursuing my dreams, my writing and my photography, and starting up my business. This will be a year whereby I explore a new set of skills and strengths and weaknesses of myself. I am excited and nervous but I have a supportive network of people around me. That I cherish so much and I know believe in me more than I believe in myself.

So I have decided to explore a project whereby every week I will be creating a image, sometimes maybe more than once, but I will only do so should I find pleasure in it. Within every picture I will be detailing my inspiration, my reasons, and my idea and my execution. I will blog with every picture, the weakness in the image the strength and the flaws. The reason I will do this is for myself and others. I know most people will see a image and perfection, but, this is not the case to the creator. But instead of being critical of myself and my work I will use it as a opportunity to focus on my strengths. I have a different type of photography I want to explore also. I am a surreal/conceptual/ artist. But I want to push in the direction of photography whereby I can use simple images to create maximum impact. I will do self portrait work but I am also going to branch out and start using models so I can focus on my photography and editing.

I have decided to use this project as a platform to detail and accurately portray mental health affects. The secondary affects it has and the taboo it encompasses in society and culture. Every week I will be peeling my skin off and delivering it to you on a coat hanger. I aim to do this no matter how difficult this is…. I also want to inject some positivity as I know that we can all do with some motivation. As kindness and compassion can create such unity and understanding. So I want to promote and idea …. if I can insert a idea into other people, and give them a idea, of what bipolar is, what it encompasses, how it can be managed, understood, helped, admired, or related too. Then my idea has been conceived into a accomplishment.